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Thread: ISTps facing uncertainty and indecisiveness

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    Default ISTps facing uncertainty and indecisiveness

    My boyfriend recently moved to my hometown. We were together 6 months. Things were rocky, he always complained i wasn't 'there' emotionally. Towards the end of things, i was really pushing myself and we were making progress. However, he had to move back to his home thousands of miles away.

    Now i'm faced with having to maintain a long-distance relationship with him over the internet and phone. I'm having a hard time with it because it seems so fake to me. I'm the kind of person that if i can't see it, touch it, taste it, feel it, it's not real. The day he left, i was heartbroken and we shared many intimate feelings but now, a few days later, it's almost as if i can't feel those feelings for him anymore! I'm afraid of forgetting him and what we had. I have all of his belongings but they're just things...I can't seem to connect with them in the way i should be able to. How can i go from crying my eyes out one day to feeling apathy about the whole situation the next ? God only knows how many times I broke up with him, i lost count. I dont know why he chose to stay with someone so unstable. I can't seem to make up my mind if i should move on or continue communication because my thoughts shift so many times during the day. I think of so many things. One day he is the love of my life, the next, nothing. Perhaps this is an ISTP thing? Who knows. I'm confused.

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    the distance isn't the issue

    let him move on and just focus on being balanced and well and healthy

    (are you sure you're an ISTp? this sounds like weak to me...)
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    How can you just forget and move on though? It's easy to say that when you're not in the other persons shoes..i used to wonder why people had such a hard time giving up but now i know why. I would like to keep in touch with him but if it comes to the point where we can never be face to face again, i will have to move on and find someone here. I think we will always keep in contact somehow, even through ways in which i wouldn't choose.

    I assume i am ISTP, seeing as how i've taken a million and one tests and they all point to that. Why, how do i come across? Forgive me, i dont know what all those fancy shapes mean.

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    Finally, an admition of the unstable emotions of the istp! I mentioned this in another thread and the only response I got was 'I dont know what youre talking about . Ive noticed this with, what was, my best friend. For a long time we were inseprarable then things began to change. One day hes totally funny and cool the next - youre out in the cold and dont know why I think the more secure he became with our friendship the more neglectfull and moody he became as well. Since I was the one that always took the initiative to hang out I decided to wait till he contacted me.... Nothing. ....So after a week or so I go by cause now Im imagining he might be dead. Hes grumpy and mad at me but then shifts to a pleasant mood after a bit. The next time I see him he's cold again. And so it goes like this until now I said forget it. I figure the friendship was just too one-sided. Now when I see him at worship or wherever he looks so miserable and distant from everyone. Sometimes he'll shift to his funny happy self but its short lived. Still he doesnt take initiative to renew our friendship even though I know he is tracking my every move. Its all too wierd. I would love to just throw my hands up and forget about him but for some reason I just cant do it. This all sounds so gay

    Topaz
    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

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    it is easy to forget. all you have to do is remove yourself from anything that reminds you of him. then after a significant period of time has passed change the associations that you have with the things that remind you of him.

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    You know, perhaps the ease of all of this is the answer...
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    You guys aren't very supportive of me trying to make this work. He's stated many times he's moving back here but i'm the kind of person that doesn't belive it til i see it. A part of me knows i'm only holding on because I feel like i'll never connect with someone the way i connected with him.

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    i did not mean to say that you SHOULD forget about him. i was just giving a discourse on forgetting

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    Just create a clone of yourself to move away, that would solve everything!
    "Nothing happens until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change."

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    why didn't I think of that
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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    You guys aren't very supportive of me trying to make this work. He's stated many times he's moving back here but i'm the kind of person that doesn't belive it til i see it. A part of me knows i'm only holding on because I feel like i'll never connect with someone the way i connected with him.
    You probably wont I suppose its out of the quiestion for you to move where he is(?) I think you do care alot about him though or you wouldnt be asking for advice about what to do. Ask yourself how would you feel if you broke up and the next week he was getting married to someone else . Would you be relieved 'whew' :wink: or would you be destroyed or indifferent ? If you dont mind me asking, why did he move away anyway? Does he want to marry you? It might be the fear of that kind of commitment that turns you off. Im just doing some wild guessing. Oh and also, is he enfp ?

    Topaz
    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    A part of me knows i'm only holding on because I feel like i'll never connect with someone the way i connected with him.
    whateva, that's just foolishness. you'll probably connect a lot better with several people before you die. Gah, I hate it when people use words like "never".

    A relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it. Just focus on health for now. Someday a relationship will come along that will make you laugh at this one.
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    How old are you? You're bound to have a few rounds of heartache before you meet the one you end up with. Just relax and have fun and meet people. If it's right, somehow the two of you will end up together at some point, and there's no point moping in the mean time. If it's not right, you might meet someone better for you.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    To me it sounds like you're more upset that you're not sad than anything. That's why I said "sounds like weak "... regardless, if you're afraid that you shouldn't be with him, then maybe the security of being in a relationship is why you're with him.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy
    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    A part of me knows i'm only holding on because I feel like i'll never connect with someone the way i connected with him.
    whateva, that's just foolishness. you'll probably connect a lot better with several people before you die. Gah, I hate it when people use words like "never".

    A relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it. Just focus on health for now. Someday a relationship will come along that will make you laugh at this one.
    It's not foolishness, I'm willing to bet a majority of people feel that way when circumstances force them from being with their significant other. Irrational or not, i think it's normal to feel that. Not everyone can turn their feelings off for someone because it's the "rational" thing to do. I find it pretty rude the way some of you are wording your responses...like i'm being immature for still wanting to talk to him. Of course i care about him or I wouldn't be posting this in the first place. If only it were so easy to just shut off my feelings for a person...but no, some of us actually do have hearts.

    So yeah, I dont think i should classify myself as an ISTP anymore, lol. On to the feeling boards!

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    waahhhhh she poked my POLR!

    I'm sorry.

    ummmm IxFj?
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    God only knows. I'm just a person, heh. I'm sick of trying to figure myself out. Get's tiring.

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    Hi jessica.

    First of all you sound 100% ISTp to me, one of your other posts is very ISTp and all this stuff is also typical of ISTp's.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica
    I'm having a hard time with it because it seems so fake to me. I'm the kind of person that if i can't see it, touch it, taste it, feel it, it's not real
    This is ISTp, we often find it had to keep in touch with people they dont see in person very often.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica
    I have all of his belongings but they're just things...I can't seem to connect with them in the way i should be able to.
    Only your possesions have real sentimental and associative meaning, this comes from Si concentrating on the personal emotional meaning of objects rather than the physical object itself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica
    How can i go from crying my eyes out one day to feeling apathy about the whole situation the next
    This is very common in ISTp's, we feel our emotions on a moment by moment basis, which can often change rapidly. Many many times I have been in a wonderful mood, heard a song, got thinking about something I find sad (often humanitarian things) and almost been in tears literally an hour later. We can also find films emotionally draining sometimes if we get connected to it and dragged along due to this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica
    I dont know why he chose to stay with someone so unstable.
    ISTp's can be emotionally unstable sometimes due to haveing strong emotions that can change rapidly, that we are not able to control very well, unlike most other types that are stronger in this area. He probably choose to stay with you because you we fun to be with and he enjoyed your company. Again, ISTp's often find it hard to know how others percieve us and what they think of us.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica
    One day he is the love of my life, the next, nothing. Perhaps this is an ISTP thing?
    Yes absolutely.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica
    part of me knows i'm only holding on because I feel like i'll never connect with someone the way i connected with him.
    This really isnt foolish at all, several people of all types who have said this to me, its human nature, and may well be heightened in ISTp's due to our difficulty with initiating relationships and our general independance, which sometimes leads to isolation in extreem cases.

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica
    Of course i care about him or I wouldn't be posting this in the first place. If only it were so easy to just shut off my feelings for a person...but no, some of us actually do have hearts. So yeah, I dont think i should classify myself as an ISTP anymore, lol. On to the feeling boards!
    I really dont see any inconsistency with being ISTp and if all the tests and your own study show point to ISTp then I am certain you are, and belong here in delta. We value friends and relationships far more that most people realise, I think its natural to feel what you do, despite our 'cold' appearance we have a bigger heart than most, again, this is where our concern for animals etc come in, we just dont express our emotions outwardly like most types do. But be assured its there, far more than people imagine, is it any wonder Si dominant (and Ni dominant) types are usually the most misunderstood (as stated by Jung), we just dont express our emotions, values, and judgements like other types do.

    Ok, I can't say what you should do jessica because I dont know all the details and in anycase, I can never know you own personal values about things in the world, all I can say is indecisiveness is the ISTp's middle name. Try not to worry about whether you feeling the 'right' thing, you feel what you feel and thats it, f%£! what others think. Given time your emotions will settle and you will be able to see with better clarity what you choices are, and what the best course of action is. Time really is a healer, just dont rush decisions until your comfortable with them, it may take a while but you will get there in the end, and it will become clear what your best option is as things progress and life carries on.

    Good luck with it, you can always get a hug here in delta :wink:
    Friendly ISTp
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    Umm... Flower, I was about to say that she is an ISTp myself, but I think I'm going to let you write my posts from now on. :wink:


    But this reminds me of another misconceptions people have about types. They think that people don't really "feel" thier so called "weak" functions; not true. Actaully, the "weaker" funcitons are actually more sensitive than the stronger ones (in some ways). Take Fe for an IxTp. IxTps don't need exessive attention, they get bothered by people how are overly feely and emotional, and get tired with people in general, because their Fe function is overly-active. In other words, they more easily over-load their feeling funciton, whereas an Fe dominant type can only draw a tiny bit of "feeling" and "emotion" at one time, so they keep searching for more, and more, and more, to satisfy their Fe. Fe as a fourth function is, ironically, more easily satisfied, so they don't need as much of it.

    Weird, isn't it?
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    Quote Originally Posted by flower
    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica
    How can i go from crying my eyes out one day to feeling apathy about the whole situation the next

    This is very common in ISTp's, we feel our emotions on a moment by moment basis, which can often change rapidly. Many many times I have been in a wonderful mood, heard a song, got thinking about something I find sad (often humanitarian things) and almost been in tears literally an hour later. We can also find films emotionally draining sometimes if we get connected to it and dragged along due to this.
    ENFPs are like that too (I think). How weird. Hello duals.

    @Jessica: sounds like you're faced with all these "should"s and "ought to"s... "If you love someone, you ought to feel loving feelings all the time", "you should develop strong emotions for the old boots he's left behind", "you should know at once whether he's the right one or not". Perhaps that's true for some people, and perhaps you just function differently?

    Aren't ISTPs types who live in the moment? If that is so, then wouldn't it follow naturally that something that isn't in the moment tends to be irreal? How you feel when he's absent and you can't even hear his voice, in that case, won't be a very good indicator of your love for him. That's just a guess, though.

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    Wow! I leave a post for a few hours and look what has developed. Its amazing I like what all of you said. Its almost like some of your thoughts were stollen from me Im sorry if my post seemed a bit negative. But hearing your responses has made me feel much more possitive (and mystified :wink: ).
    Anyway Jessica, if your boyfriend is enfp he probably will not let you get away from him unless you are real evil to him ( and maybe not even then ) One good thing about enfps (or maybe its just me, but I think it applys to most enfps) is that they can leave the past behind them and start afresh each day. So whatever happened in the past can be put behind if today seems promising. This goes a long way in relationships.
    In some bizzare way the natural tendency to get distracted (enfp) or detatch (istp) cuases these duals to want to cling to each other. The only thing more powerful than pining for what you cant have is the fear of losing what you do have

    Topaz
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rocky
    Umm... Flower, I was about to say that she is an ISTp myself, but I think I'm going to let you write my posts from now on. :wink:
    Hehe, I got there 1st :wink:

    Quote Originally Posted by rocky
    But this reminds me of another misconceptions people have about types. They think that people don't really "feel" thier so called "weak" functions; not true
    Yeah, 1st common misconseption: T/F isnt about strength/impact of emotions, different types just manage and express emotions differently.

    2nd common misconception: All types use all of the functions and 'feel' all the functions, even the weaker ones. All of them shape us as people, they just do so in different ways. The ordering/strength/weakness of the functions of the different types determines our abitity to manage/deal with/ our desire for/our confidence in/ etc etc the things associated with those functions.

    Your post is interesting Rocky, I have not thought of it like that before, it's a good way to look at though.
    Friendly ISTp
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    Thanks for your reply, flower, good insight. I can't remember all of your questions so I'll touch on a few.

    Of course I'd be upset if he told me he was getting married and wanted nothing to do with me. What i was trying to get at in my original post is that yes, I do feel guilty for not feeling much of anything towards him right now because we shared a lot and I've never connected with someone like i've connected with him. I cannot explain why i dont feel much for him right now..it's extremely hard for me to pretend like we still have this great relationship if he's not here in reality. It's as if he just doesn't exist anymore. Sure, i talk to him on the phone and on the internet, but it's not the same. It's just a voice and words. He's mentioned numerous times how much he misses me and how he's coming back in a bit but I just dont belive it. I'm tempted to move on but there's always that 'what if' in the back of my mind.

    He's definetly not an ENFP, I would type him as an INTJ/INTP. He just seems so much more content with this situation than me. He's okay without having phsyical contact, I'm not. We're definetly not looking at marriage either. Ugh, I just can't decide if i should let him go. I guess the answer is yes but i dont know how to go about doing that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    You guys aren't very supportive of me trying to make this work. He's stated many times he's moving back here but i'm the kind of person that doesn't belive it til i see it. A part of me knows i'm only holding on because I feel like i'll never connect with someone the way i connected with him.
    I have been in a similar situation, I didn't end the relationship (it was close though) and eventually it worked out ok. You just have to be sure that the other partner thinks and feels as you do or you are wasting time.

    And don't listen to any ENTps or even ENFps when they say you will find 100 more partners you connect with. I don't know about you but I very rarely connect with anyone as deeply as I want to so if you find someone like that don't let go too easily. Those superficial E types know nothing about ISTp emo (if you are not ISTp then this doesn't apply to you but I think it applies to all introvert types to some extent).

    And I think it is very ISTp to have "feeling swings" and sometimes loose feelings almost completely. Eventually they will come back and make you happy again.

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    And don't listen to any ENTps or even ENFps when they say you will find 100 more partners you connect with. I don't know about you but I very rarely connect with anyone as deeply as I want to so if you find someone like that don't let go too easily. Those superficial E types know nothing about ISTp emo (if you are not ISTp then this doesn't apply to you but I think it applies to all introvert types to some extent).

    And I think it is very ISTp to have "feeling swings" and sometimes loose feelings almost completely. Eventually they will come back and make you happy again.
    I agree with you on the point about not finding it easy to connect with someone on a deep level. Superficial relationships are easy to find. I may not know much about istps 'emo' but I know that I dont fluctuate in my feelings radically.
    It is my understanding that the passion of a relationship can fade somewhat as time goes on but that the deeper bonds of friendship and principled love can provide for a more lasting bond. Real love is unselfish concern for anothes wellfare and is not always accompanied by intense emotion.
    The basis for any romantic relationship that is going to last is friendship, respect and passion. If one of those elements is missing then the relationship will not be very satisfactory.
    It seems that both istps and enfps are very sensitive and in different ways. Both seem to have some difficulty maintaining romanitc relationships as this forum seems to indicate. This is reinforced to me by my own personal experiences. :wink:

    Topaz
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    Quote Originally Posted by Topaz
    I may not know much about istps 'emo'
    Lol, I shouldn't use that word. I just learned it and I love it and probably don't use it right. It is just such a cute word. And it also has a Finnish meaning which I'm not telling you. Not very original to use it but I try to learn from the best

    And yes as an ISTp it is very hard to keep a constant state of feeling or emotions. It can vary a lot even within one day period. I think for ISTp love means more like a commitment to stay together even in those moments when the feelings are a bit lost. This might not apply to all ISTps but when you are not in contact with your loved ones the feelings sometimes seem to fade away

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    And yes as an ISTp it is very hard to keep a constant state of feeling or emotions. It can vary a lot even within one day period. I think for ISTp love means more like a commitment to stay together even in those moments when the feelings are a bit lost. This might not apply to all ISTps but when you are not in contact with your loved ones the feelings sometimes seem to fade away Lovely. Ok this kinda bothers me.
    "Oh R2, it seems we were just made to suffer"--C3PO

    Topaz
    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    It's not foolishness, I'm willing to bet a majority of people feel that way when circumstances force them from being with their significant other. Irrational or not, i think it's normal to feel that. Not everyone can turn their feelings off for someone because it's the "rational" thing to do.
    I totally agree with you.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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