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Thread: Hehe

  1. #1

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    May 2007
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    Default Hehe...

    My nightmare turned into a sort of fairytale masked with dusky fairy wings caked with crumbly brownish-gray dirt:

    Locked in a cubicle everybody wearing a shitty suit... the corporate world. My family tells me I have a place in the social system now, I am somebody important. But I don't feel important or confident. I feel like trash. I have an average house, an average car and an average life. I had to dilute everything original and 'spicy' about me for the sake of productivity and American economics that I will never understand. I tried to become an interesting actor but they laughed at me, called me too emo and said I was too shy. Victim, victim, victim. I shoulda just worked at mcdonald's all my life, but I couldn't handle the atmosphere of that. To the outsider it would look as though I have no balls. But I know something else is buzzing beneath the heart's surface. Besides I want to be able to afford a better place as a physical reality exists whether I want it to or not. Growing up you gotta make your mark, you gotta be able to say 'I pissed somewhere other than my mom's house.' Otherwise you truly aren't a man. It's better than the alternative right? Right???

    "Your feelings don't matter shut up and work."
    "Your feelings don't matter shut up and work."

    I try to get close to people but they simply smile condescendingly and back away from me instead.... I have no real friends. I have many, many people I know well that I say hi to but they talk about a bunch of preppy, mainstream tv shows that I don't like. If I just watched them too I could have someone to talk to, but I already decided to be an annoying, Daria-like lesbian-like activist and have refused to have any tvs in my house because I believe it pollutes our minds and souls. I don't have social phobia anymore, but I don't have social specialness either. I've been told I never did in the first place. This is where everybody belongs. Only good thing people say about me is "I"m cute." But again with the condescension. I'm not cute, I'm hot. I want to scream and tear the flesh off their bones with my teeth but I'm too nice, idealistic and homoerotic to bash their skulls in like I really want to. I need my dual here, but I don't believe in socionics anymore at this point.

    I believe in nothing.

    "Your feelings don't matter shut up and work."
    "Your feelings don't matter shut up and work."

    I get online after work. I try to tell my friends about my emotional states but they say "Nobody cares Sam, stop playing the VICTIM and go back to WORK like you're supposed to, you fucking ******." Not like that, but that's how it feels. I feel clumsy and awkward and about 50 years older than my soul actually is. Everybody barks at me what to do, nobody asks how I am feeling. I try to tell myself that's okay, they're just dealing with their own issues they don't need mine. I'd see a therapist, but I would just go crazy because I'd get lost 'just talking about things' for ages and I know it would make me even worse. I've been down that road before anyway. 'Sides a shrink costs money. Money that I don't have because I bought all these books about inner workings that I thought would make me happy but they just gave me a comfort and peace that did not last & felt undeserved. Insurance? Are you crazy? I don't have that shit, I'm against insurance for this strange inner belief system that I cannot yet put into words.

    Fuck this shit. I'm going homeless on the streets to give blowjobs, I start to think. I remind myself there is a physical world I have to accept, out there. I keep reminding myself. Physical, not emotional. Physical, not emotional. Why the hell do they do this to Americans? I try to hold onto something... I decide to do what I've been meaning to do all my life.

    Change the world, what else?

    Revenge, jealousy, true love. Hatred. I act on my emotions impulsively. I'm a true rebel and become my own dual, celebritizing myself. It's my alter ego but also me at the same time. It's larger than life. I'm a bad ass and this time I don't just sense other people's weaknesses, I verbally exploit them. They can't believe it. It's like what you see on a movie only it's real. I start my own movement. I become the system itself. And I never even had a problem with drugs before. mtv gives me a whole bunch of money just for being me. Gammas and Deltas absolutely HATE me for this, and I almost get assassinated by Expat but he fails and I make more money because of the fame.

    During an epic long saga on my new hit reality show, I finally tell my highschool sweetheart I always loved him the best way I know how. It beats American Idol. I've been hiding it my whole life, simply afraid of rejection. It's pure, raw human emotion. I know what's coming though. He does indeed love me back, but the moment is ruined by him asking "What do we do about it?" In heaven there is no doing. There is just the good la de da feelings that I want. But this isn't heaven yet. I tell my people to turn off the cameras. I gotta be private now in my response. What I say now can only be reserved for the inner world that I realized I had never lost. Tears flow down my cheeks. I am healed by his love. There was his moment of bringing me back down to earth, but it's okay now. I had it. That feeling I've always been searching for. I can live and die okay now.

    I look him in the eyes and say "We're gonna go fuck each other's brains out, but first let's go to Best Buy. I wanna buy a tv."

    The End.

  2. #2
    Darkstar's Avatar
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    May 2007
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    this whole was a dream?

    I thought the first part of the text was describing your situation, but the fucking your sweetheart sounded like a dream

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