My life story (uh-oh)

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I know nobody probably cares, but I figure if I really, truly want help with my type you need to know as much about me as possible (even if I embarrass or shoot myself in the foot with this) ... so this might be long here, but I figure- everybody is saying a lot of stuff and I can't even really get a good grasp on how people are in their complex entirety.

I will also try to be concise as possible, and maybe fill in the gaps later.

So here goes (in next post, this is just an introductory one)

((Don't worry this won't just be a GAY GAY GAY I'M GAY thing either))

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I grew up with very overprotective parents. As a baby I never really cried when I needed help or demanded much attention, so I think my parents thought they didn't need to teach me a lot of things. However when I got in school this backfired because I don't think I developed the proper social skills.

It wasn't just shyness, I was always on the VERGE of saying something, it wasn't really an insecurity thing... more like a general sense of 'this is all pointless.' So not surprisingly, I got bullied tons. I'm not playing the victim with that though, I'm just saying it's typical.

It's just what the other children talked about was so boring to me (I'm the same way to this day) I just wish they I don't know... were weirder or something.

As the schoolyears progressed I got outcasted (is that even a word lol) more and more. Now I know a lot of people were like this, but seriously (and I'm not exaggerating for attention or pity but to explain myself, so fuck you if you think I want pity), I was the most unpopular kid in the entire school. No friends or even alliances with any peers whatsoever. I had two friends I hung out with when I went home, but nobody in school. I was the only one that sat by myself at lunch. I talked to nobody.

Some of the other smart kids could make friends with other nerds, but I was even excluded from them hehe. There was other losers that stuck up for me a lot, but I didn't befriend them. I should have but I didn't, cause they really cool and stuck up for me but oh well too late now. I always just wanted out of it, or to be some sort of leader. I was a teacher's pet in a small way, only cause they felt sorry for me and wanted to empower me I think.

However my exclusion eventually turned into nervousness, and people sensed this weakness and they zoned in on it even more. Before it wasn't that big of deal, but now it made me cry for some reason. And people tried to befriend me, but I turned them down because I thought they were just doing it cause they felt sorry for me (which they probably were) so I didn't want any of that. I had about 5 guys try to be my friend, but I turned them down. I thought it was pointless at the time, like why the hell would you want to just play video games with a guy, shouldn't he be asking you out on a date? I think even at that age I wanted to be romanced - isn't that so odd?

So now I kinda hated other people. Even when my best friend moved away (I'm 12 now in the story) she acted all distant from me. We loved each other but when she had to move she said it so nonchanatly like 'I'm going to move away' and didn't show the proper emotions in my opinion. Bugged the hell out of me. Wouldn't even give me her new number, but maybe I didn't try hard enough to ask for it.

Also back up before that, she was the only girl I ended up slightly sexually attracted to. I did stuff with her but you don't need to hear the details lol. We were pretty young though, so it was probably just an experiment, but sexuality is a continuum and all that. The guy I hung out with, we wrestled together a lot and I enjoyed him but we ended up having to go our separate ways. I also was sexually attracted to him and he helped me realize I'm gay but that's another story.

Oh yeah and in third grade I actually made one friend in art class, his name was Nick and we talked a lot. But I beat him in arm wrestling and he never spoke to me again. After I beat he stopped sitting across from me. I was hurt but again, I didn't try to make things better. I really do suck as a person sometimes lol.

((more on next post))

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Now here's where the fun begins. I'm 14. I end up just dropping out of school entirely. I wasn't 16 yet so I couldn't legally do this. My parents sent me to a looooooooot of treatment places but I didn't really express myself openly to anybody. Well a lot of those guys are quacks so that's understandable. But yeah, umm long story but I get kicked out of my house and made ward of the state for not going to school.

(I TRIED homeschooling but due to my 'mental problems' the judge wouldn't let me)

I went to two different group homes. First one (don't want to say their names online just yet) I hated it so much usually. They were all like these crazy conservative Christians that hated gays. I should have NEVER said I was gay there, because they took it the wrong way. Nobody really liked me there, except for a few people that stood up for me. Actually it was weird, some people really adored me others hated me so much, few felt neutral to me. I even fell in love with a lot of the guys there.

I think in life I subconsiously made a whole bunch of choices to lead up to this thing, where I could be locked up with all guys. It makes sense, right? I think that's what I wanted being gay, and I did like it a lot for that very reason. I didn't care about an abstract concept as 'freedom' cause I never felt I really had it before anyway. Freedom is a state of mind, not a social construct everybody is expected to live up to. What can I say, I'm a rule-breaker.

I was really, really respected sometimes in the weird group home but other times they just hated my guts and told me what a horrible human being I was. It's like they alternated quickly between empowering me and kissing my ass and ripping me to shreds but in a way, I think it's exactly what I needed because all the different reactions to people, I absorbed them and eventually... just didn't care. I just learned not to be so honest, and told people what they wanted to hear, and this made me popular. I left the place on a good note. There was a lot of weird shit that happened in that place but we won't get into that. Just need a general life story, not the details.

I'm 17 now... (only 7 more years to go!)

[Gilly]

Jesus, and I thought I had a hard time early in school...my heart goes out to you, man.

[UDP]

We know you're beta NF. I'm not sure how much more specific you need to get. The person who will ultimately know it is you anyways. I'm not saying that you can't talk about yourself here, but, as for actually typing yourself, it's mostly going to be up to you. Perhaps you are trying to get some feedback.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Jesus, and I thought I had a hard time early in school...my heart goes out to you, man.

Thanks, but in many ways I brought it on myself. I didn't even try when I could have, but I was just afraid of disappointment I think. I rejected myself more than others rejected me. I didn't see the point and I romanticized the relationships even then. I couldn't just sit and talk to somebody about power rangers or whatever.

I just flat-out enjoy being protected too much. Even when I don't need it, I think I want others to protect me so much, just from everything. At almost unhealthy levels. This is just a personality thing, doesn't have anything to do with me being gay. I mean I already know I can function in life enough and do the necessities, so I don't really appreciate being encouraged to try things, as I feel that is so condescending.

Well I'll have more later. I think I was going too fast, so I wanna slow down. I'll post the last few years alter.

[ScarlettLux]

You are my identical and that's that.

[jessica129]

You're only 17 ??!

[Ezra]

You are my identical and that's that.

Yeah, I can dig that. You're practically identical. EIE 4EV@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

You're only 17 ??!

yyeh, duh!!?1?? god, didnt you do all that when you were 17. omg........

[Joy]

He's 24. He meant that he was 17 at that place in the story.

[jessica129]

lol. I don't read.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

You are my identical and that's that.

Glad you understand. *g*

[xyz]

Yeah even I've gotta say EIE.