I don't have much to say other than I seem to be at a spot where I can socialize well in real life, even though I still feel emo and tortured on the inside. I am learning to keep it to myself and try to make other people happy because I know people don't need more bad news in life. Then again *my* therapist always said I put a neat bow on things too much, I make everything so pat... like you can't possibly argue with me. I want to connect but I also close the waterways of dialogue. As I am afraid of real change, of my power and theirs.
Like most dorks that read too much in high school, I wanted nothing more than this epic powerful old man to come and teach me what an amazing white mage I am... to rescue me from my well-meaning but restricted parents. People that are actually fascinating fascinate me (well, duh lol) and I actually want to be them. Heroes are so important don't you think?
I relate strongly with the loser essence... of the underdogs. Of knowing you can win and make everybody happy but you still don't decide to show up. But there comes a time when I know I will have to fight and it bothers me. Because I will be finished. And even though it will be beautiful I don't want to die yet. It's not my time. I'm cookie dough, I'm not done baking. I don't want to live, but I don't... want to die anymore. Maybe that's something.
I feel after the civil rights battle of homosexuality is won.. *if* we win... there's then still the fight of classism.
I was always brave and kind of righteous, now I find I'm wavering...
lala sings along.
Okay in the next post I will explain what my dream relationship would be like.