Gilly's Type Blog

[Gilly]

So here's the plan. Every day, from now until I settle on a type, I am going to post in here about my general thoughts and feelings of the day, what type I am generally leaning towards, and how I see the picture fitting together. I want to put out a ton of information on myself for anyone on the forum who feels like psychoanalyzing me and having an informed opinion on my type (whatever that means), but mostly I want a place where I can come back to and see what my thoughts have been in the past so I have a way of keeping things in perspective.

[aestrivex]

every day. i bet.

[Gilly]

7/5/08 - Day 1

Today I have been lazy as hell. I whacked off this morning before I even got out of bed so I've been pretty much not feeling like doing anything at all for most of the day. Good thing that I worked at the book store today and not the coffee shop The only thing that got me motivated was the thought of my boss being left with a ton of books to shelve at the end of the day, and I thought that would be shitty since she didn't seem to be having a particularly good day today, so I got on my horse for a while to make sure I didn't leave her with a whole fuckton of work to do on her own.

Today I am leaning towards IEI. The discussion last night with Ashton, hitta, and (mostly) Nick about Enneagram got me thinking again about the possibility of being 4w3. After all, the deepest sort of fixation that I have that seems to underly most of my behavior is a core believe in my "specialness/uniqueness." I have lots of grandiose thoughts about being put on the planet for some special purpose. It could have something to do with a defense mechanism adopted because of social alienation as a smaller kid, or something like that, but hey, an enneagram type has to come from somewhere, right? I also identify a lot with the idea of having "shame" about who I am: I have been accused of being hard to know and not really letting people in; a lot of my "friends" throughout the ages have really only known a pack of lies or the image that I project because I want them to see me as somehow special or different. I also relate to the 4's issues with intimate jealousy: I had a lot of odd feelings about losing my virginity to a girl who had already had sex with someone else, because I wanted to be "special" to her, for her to remember me. I also had a lot of trouble dealing with her hyper-independent tendencies, because despite needing more help than anyone I knew at the time, I wanted to help her, to save her, for her to need me so that I could "rescue" her from whatever was troubling her. However, like me, she had her own issues but didn't really want help.


I have also been thinking about my tendency of lacking initiative in just about everything. I have good ideas, but I never really make good on any of them. I have lots of fantasies and dreams, but I rarely pursue them, even when I clearly have the means to do so. I'm a fairly lazy, sedentary person, and have had to "learn" how to be more active and involved with life in general and force myself to be engaging and part of life outside of my own little world. I could definitely do with some Se. However, despite the fact that I admire some LSIs, they often seem boring and overly rigid to me. My partner has to be exciting, someone who's willing to live on the edge a little, try new activities and do risky things once in a while. I can't handle too much structure or routine. Maybe an SLE is what I need.


EIE has been the type that I've been leaning towards for some time now, but somehow I don't think I quite have their social initiative and drive. The one thing I don't really identify with 3 on is the upbeat, non-stop attitude that seems to be predominant with Se HA types, and I think that is also typical of most EIEs. I am way too lazy for that. I mean, I can definitely be that way: when it's required of me, I can turn on the switch and REALLY go at it for a long time, like yesterday at the coffee shop (image working at a place that sells cold drinks in a city famous for its tourism, particularly with regard to American colonial history, on thr 4th of July...understaffed). I also think that I have stronger Si than Se, as well as stronger Ti than Te. The only thing that doesn't work so well is seeing myself as an introvert, although I don't really have a problem with it. However most people seem to see me as an Extrovert, which, of course, makes me wonder.

[Gilly]

Fuck you niffweed

[UDP]

(You're thinking about socioincs way too much. You should probably do other things with your mind, and your time, instead of analyzing your whole day to determine what your socionics type is.)

The only thing that doesn't work so well is seeing myself as an introvert, although I don't really have a problem with it. However most people seem to see me as an Extrovert, which, of course, makes me wonder.

Are you sure you understand the difference between MBTI's extroversion and what it means to be an extratim in socionics?

[Mediator Kam]

Are you sure you understand the difference between MBTI's extroversion and what it means to be an extratim in socionics?

This is true, I went to a fireworks show last night and saw a couple people I kinda know from school. As I talked to them, I realized how comfortable I was talking to them, how I felt like I had known them for twenty years, it was telling.

Anyway Gilly, keep it up bro.

[Gilly]

(You're thinking about socioincs way too much. You should probably do other things with your mind, and your time, instead of analyzing your whole day to determine what your socionics type is.)

Dude, believe me, I'm well aware.

Are you sure you understand the difference between MBTI's extroversion and what it means to be an extratim in socionics?

Yes, I am sure.

[munenori2]

I've considered doing the same for myself to be honest. Though I wouldn't ever make it public. I'd feel like I'd be far less candid than if I were keeping it on the DL. I definitely see the value you'd find in putting your thoughts to words though. There's nothing worse than realizing something intensely only to think back later and lose the central *thing* that made it so real in the beginning.

[Gilly]

Hmmm...for some reason making it public helps me to be candid, I think. When I write things down and never let anybody read it, it feels more like digging it out of the trash only to sweep it under the rug, if that makes any sense. Having people read about my life feels like it really dissipates some tension.

[Ms. Kensington]

Hmmm...for some reason making it public helps me to be candid, I think. When I write things down and never let anybody read it, it feels more like digging it out of the trash only to sweep it under the rug, if that makes any sense. Having people read about my life feels like it really dissipates some tension.

extraverted?

[Phaedrus]

Based on the information presented in this thread so far (and forgetting everything that has been said in the past), ENFp or ENTp are the two most likely types.

[discojoe]

This is an interesting study in how long an ENTp can follow through with a commitment.

[Gilly]

This is an interesting study in how long an ENTp can follow through with a commitment.

That sounds like a challenge. Prepare to be wrong.

[Gilly]

Today I worked on the register at the coffee shop. I felt really energetic, almost antsy, and pretty upbeat and happy all day. I love working with girls, lol...I get to be the center of attention all the time and act like a total goon and no matter what I do it's hilarious. There's this really hot girl who I work with who I would love to hit on, and who I am pretty sure is into me, but she's only 17 I just feel weird when I flirt with girls that I know are younger than me. It doesn't feel right. Plus she's like...kindof strangely eager and it kills the fun when a girl is so open like that. I like to tease girls and get them to react a little; this girl almost seems like she would expect it/like it too much/something. Weird.

I still think IEI makes sense for the most part. Working on the register has given me a chance to interact with a lot of different people, and I think SEIs are just too friendly for me. I like people who have a little bit of a shell or something; I appreciate it when people are kind, but when they're just so open and out there and blah it's like there's nothing to them. Boring. I actually kind of like interacting with people who seem a little...I dunno, not so open. I like talking with people who don't seem like they are openly happy or want to be open, and trying to get a smile out of them. It's like a little reward or something, like I've cracked them open a little bit. Whatever.

Thinking back on my past, I think an Ni dominant type does make a good bit of sense. I am personable and can be very charming when prompted, but honestly most of the time I'm just too lazy or nervous to initiate contact with people or the outside world in general. By default I'll sit in my room with my computer or a book, or go on a bike ride by myself; I really do need some prompting to "get out in the world" or something. For most of my life I have been almost a total recluse, despite being the center of most of my various social groups; my sister once referred to me as "magnetic, yet elusive" when asked to describe me, and I think this describes my tendency to attract people and be charming when I want to be, but pretty much keep to myself when not "pulled" into the world by necessity or someone else's desire to be around me. I have said in the past that I don't appreciate being involved by others in something, but I do have a need for a sense of involvement with a group of friends, which I am usually not so good at forming but am good at "taking over," so to speak, and I certainly appreciate being gotten off my ass when I'm feeling down/lazy/depressed; only when I'm really depressed or feeling pissy do I openly reject "being included" intentionally.


Maybe more later.

[Gilly]

Some other tidbits: I typed INFP on my first Meyers-Briggs test, and the Russian Vilnius school people also VI'd me as IEI.

[UDP]

so when you beat off, is the girl riding you spunky and energetic and rough, or is the girl slower and steadier, a more consistent yet forceful ride?

[Mediator Kam]

so when you beat off, is the girl riding you spunky and energetic and rough, or is the girl slower and steadier, a more consistent yet forceful ride?

my mom told you to go take a cold shower.

[Gilly]

so when you beat off, is the girl riding you spunky and energetic and rough, or is the girl slower and steadier, a more consistent yet forceful ride?

Hmmmm...I dunno, I like both, lol. Mostly I want to get laid All I know is that I ABSOLUTELY don't want a dead fish.

[jessica129]

IEI. For sure.

[UDP]

my mom told you to go take a cold shower.

Tell her I just took a medium shower.

[Gilly]

Morning Update

So esper sent me a link to an article she wrote with reference to Rick's analysis of intraverted and extraverted extrotims yesterday, and if what she talks about there really applies to Socionics, then I have to reconsider EIE and ILE more seriously. I still think it's worth something that I can see myself as both EIE and IEI, whereas in Alpha I could only see myself as ILE.


I'm beginning to think that the fixation with mass amounts of comfort that I have might just be an unhealthy result of Si PoLR. I mean, I am way more happy when I am out and about doing things and (unless I had my mind set on being lazy, in which case being out and about will make me miserable because I will be lamenting not having fulfilled my own original agenda, lol...there's the extrotim for ya, I guess), and even when I'm "satisfied" sitting around doing nothing, it always tends to take me into a downward spiral of reflection that turns into self-analysis that turns into shame and self-loathing depression, at which point I become paralyzed by feeling so inadequate and defective.

Another point for the identity triad, I think: I definitely identify with the idea of being ashamed of myself and feeling defective in some way; I deeply lament my apparent lack of ability to "be myself." I can be genuine and candid when I feel good, but most of the time I'm just not that...balanced. My personality depends ENTIRELY on my mood. ENTIRELY.

I have this weird lack of ability to believe that my mood can "change." When someone tries to comfort me or change my mood directly, it makes me want to throw shit at them and hide, like they are trying to deny me the right to invade my space. I like to wallow, lol, and nobody ever seems to think that's ok; they have to CHANGE me. However I am easy to passively influence, I think; if I have knowledge that someone is trying to change my mood, then I will go against them and retreat, whereas if I don't "see" them doing it, I think I am actually somewhat easy to satiate/make happy. That's part of why I get along SO well with my sister: being a little bouncy and positive is just part of who she is, so when I'm around her and I feel her energy it just naturally helps me, whereas her husband can be very upbeat and positive and happy, even moreso than she, but he has to sort of go against what seems to me to be his "real" emotional state in order to do so, and sometimes takes it a little over-the-top.

Another thing I have noticed about myself: once I "get going" on work, I can go and go and go and never really want to stop, but once I DO stop, I crash hard. Even after I've been working for 8 hours, if I've been active, I'm still "on" and ready to do something; it's like working fills my tank up instead of draining it. But once I'm done, I'm DONE As soon as I've switched the power off (which usually takes a little while to fully take effect, although it's easy for me to change my mindset), I'm done, and nobody is going to get me going again; no way.

[Mariano Rajoy]

Nice thread - interesting to read, but chances of the forum actually helping you to conclude your type search are slim.

[UDP]

Morning Update

So esper sent me a link to an article she wrote with reference to Rick's analysis of intraverted and extraverted extrotims yesterday, and if what she talks about there really applies to Socionics, then I have to reconsider EIE and ILE more seriously. I still think it's worth something that I can see myself as both EIE and IEI, whereas in Alpha I could only see myself as ILE.

Where is this article?[/quote]

[Gilly]

7/7 Part Deux

Worked at the book store today. Experienced my usual frustration at not having anything very active to do, and predictably I ended the work day in a bad mood. The differences between the two jobs, coffee shop and book store, have really helped me realize that I need physical activity out of my work; I can't just sit around all day and do brain shit. It makes me antsy and moody and pissy. Alphabetizing and cleaning books is just boring, even if I do enjoy reading and learning about literature, and there is nothing to compensate besides a discount on a mediocre selection of already-half-price books.


I've still been thinking about what Esper's article (http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...extrotims.html) said about introverted extrotims, although Stefani seems more like an IEI to me personally, and I think I could possibly be a case of an introverted extrotim. I'm on the fence between EIE and IEI today. Some noteworthy tension between myself and my employer today, whom I believe to be either ILI or SLI, and I met and had an easy time getting along with a new coworker, who is most likely LSI.

[Gilly]

yes lol

[Gilly]

7/8 Morning

Today I don't really care about my type

I have been meditating this morning and have come to the conclusion that I need to be more purposeful in my daily practices of meditation. I am taking time away from chat and the forum, except to update here and check my PMs, in order to more fully dedicate my time to meditation and reading. I used this morning to be honest with myself about where I am and how I feel about it, and it's not good, so it's time for a little overhaul. I have been ignoring these feelings for too long, and it's time to do something about them.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Hmm.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

You intrigue me. Carry on.

[Gilly]

7/9 Morning

Meditating not going so well. Still feeling cloudy-headed and mildly irritable. I'm hoping that things look up as the day goes on. BAD makes me think I'm gay but my therapist said I'm not and all of the gay men I know think I'm straight SO I MUST BE STRAIGHT SO HA!

I feel that this is a good opportunity to say "fuck you" to all of the jackoffs who tried to tease me about being "gay" when I was a little kid because I was emotional and not good at sports and in touch with my feminine side (cut me some slack, I have an older sister and a feminist mom ). Having been labeled as such by my peers when younger is really the only reason that I ever feel insecure about my sexuality (unless I'm REALLY fucking repressed and have even MORE self-loathing than I think I do [which is already a lot], because I've been over this with my therapist and most of the people I know well enough to feel comfortable talking about it with, and nobody who knows me seems to ACTUALLY think that I'm gay). Honestly, if I were gay, I would love to admit it, because I've got a lot of anger issues and I feel like realizing something I would have kept deep down like that would probably relieve me from a lot of the unnecessary stress that I go through on a daily basis. But eh, I think men are pretty gross as far as sexuality goes, and really I think I'm more worried about people THINKING I'm gay than actually being gay.

So yeah. FUCK YOU, grade school.

Anyways.

It is 7:30 AM and I still have to eat breakfast and shower and get to work by 8 so I will have to finish my thoughts later today. Peace and love.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I too have an older sister and a feminist mom. Omg she annoys me because she acts like such a stereotypical smothering mom to a gay son and it bugs me. I realize she'd be like that no matter what but it just is grating. (her sister is also assertive and confident and yet her kids are straight)

I think we're drawn to each other not because of an orientation but because of a soul connection... so you might be a little gay if you are so worried about it but so what? I too HATED sports with a passion omg! And I got called queer too and I actually am queer as in male homosexual. Difference is I don't think it's strange or off-putting or awkward but something beautiful that helps move humanity along. It's not an insult they were just jealous of your powers.

Uh most men's bodies are gross to me too actually. But if you really like somebody you could fuck a dude/have a dude fuck you couldn't you? It's not like I get hard sexually from every guy I see. And I too... well thought I was straight, but I just got over it. Not that there's anything wrong with heterosexuality I just umm think that all those epic big important moments we want are rooted in the power of the ancient homo. Even though it sounds like something you mock/laugh at it's actually very serious and important to me, but as it's kind of my religion maybe I should respect others and keep it to myself more- cause dang I hate the way fundies treat me with all the anti-gay crap! Oh who am I kidding. I'm right and they're wrong, so they're going down- empathy be damned. I mean people will always forget aristole's kids but most people remember his ideas and teachings.

Oh and to the breeder who left a diaper on my sidewalk this morning: Fuck you. Seriously. And yeah this actually happened I wish I was kidding.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

BAD makes me think I'm gay but my therapist said I'm not and all of the gay men I know think I'm straight SO I MUST BE STRAIGHT SO HA!

*smiles* You are the world's most powerful gay man, the one that will make all our dreams come true. Embrace your homosexuality and save the planet from its destructiveness. We can join the force together! Come my brother and lets hold hands and levitate while creepy music plays in the background. Everything you want to happen needs to happen. You know you are something special. You are only better than the people you are better than, my childe. You are a powerful gay male shaman like me.

The more you resist your destiny, the more you convince yourself how straight you are, the more the real self will emerge inevitable and we can be those angry pissed off and volatile queers we all need to be. I am gay and I see the light. You think you are straight but you are not. We are in this together. We are drawn together for a purpose.

The rest of the gay boys convince you you are straight because they don't want to SEE my childe... see the power we can hold if we work together.... They are afraid of their love because everything they really know deep down might be true, my childe! If all guys that feel emasculated and weaker for being different, if we all come together and yet respected our differences still, and created a supernova of rainbow bliss that took the world by storm. Shocked/surprised people in a way that only gay men can do....

Woof!

And yeah all gay boys think men are icky, duh. They have cooties, and girls are our friends- but we really want to be touched that way by a man. Not just that that way but that that that way too. In such a deep profound, soul-drenching way that we can't stand it. The manliness we yearn... the true sense of male-hood not a fake image.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Do not kill yourself or feel too down young one... brother! We must unite together. Look at how beautiful and handsome Robert Reed was... how much his own power, his own gayness tortured his very soul. It doesn't matter how successful you are or what you earn... if you do not meet more men that can nourish that side of your spirit... how can it grow? I understand... you might feel it cheapens things, to step into the light.... it's true that all gay men have a death wish but just like Buffy's Slayer Power, it's rooted in darkness. Embrace the darkness.... so you can find the light my childe! I like talking like I'm some all-knowing Gay God because well, I am!

This isn't about our jobs (but just think of the cash- everybody always draws in for the gay thing) but about our divine purpose.

You are really beyond your therapist. You are better than him and deep down you know it. You are playing a game with him. I know this because I too had many therapists, been in many group homes/mental health places and shit. It was all a fucking game I was playing.

You are not meant to abide by rules. You are meant to change them... to create something truly visionary. You wouldn't be fucked up on drugs before if you weren't. You need to see the gay side, the special lands that you thought couldn't exist that were 'too gay' that the real world doesn't act like that etc. But they are all true!

It's so beautiful to find ourselves and lie down in bed peaceful and happy for once that we found a Kindred Spirit? And I have no reason to believe that you are not this special, my childe- because well.. uh. You just are. Sorry losing steam here... well we must now rest and converse our magical energies so we can align the world to our masterful gay liking.

They won't know what hit them I promise. *wicked grin*

[Mediator Kam]

This thread is golden.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

It's never been done before. Ever.

The epic raw heroness of gay males who actually are gay... tired of dealing with analogies and metaphors, of other lesser heroes that say things without really saying them. We need some authority in our presence, and that authority is us.

TR Knight isn't in good place right now. He thinks that gay guys need to be coddled until they are ready to come out of the closet. Uh no. We all need that push... but we have to stop waiting for the other person to do it. EMBRACE THE INNER GAY LIGHT. I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. THIS IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER KNOWN! THE ANGER ISSUES YOU ARE FACING YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY IT.

My childe, my young ones! Do not look in 'straight guys' what already exists in yourself.

Yes it's entertaining. But it's more than that. It's....

I don't think there's a word to comprehend the amazement of it all. I can't do it justice... it needs to be felt.

You know the truth. We never wanted straight people's acceptance... we want our own power again. We need that. We thought we'd be happy if straight people liked us, well they do -but we're still not satisfied. It's time to come together again and prepare for the next epic battle. It will come in about 5 years from now. We have time to prepare. It will be unbearable. How do you teach a bunch of passive gay boys that don't play sports how to fight for their own lives - for the future generation of gay guys with powers? But we must do it! Hiya!

The world and social system is run by straight women in this current timeline... at least the in the US. It feels it has to be. It's lost that.... true gay male touch. But we are not straight girls, we are gay men- and it's time to start acting like men damnit... even if we do like to play with barbies.

I want real power and I am not going to stop until I get it because I don't like where the world is headed and I can't just sit back and moan like other liberals!

So come join me. Either you are with me or against me. I hope you will be for me. More details on the epic war will be let out until I get them through premonitions.

[jessica129]

Why do gay guys go to prom with fat theater chicks?

[JuJu]

This gayness thing has been on my mind too--for a different reason--so I'll add to this discussion about it... I'll try to relate it to you, Gilly, as this thread is about you.

Growing up, from the sounds of it, I was kinda different than you, George. I played a lot of sports, was 'one of the guys' (I don't know how to put that w/o it sounding stupid, so that's how I'll put it, haha,) and was never really called out for being 'gay.'

That said, as I became mature enough to think for myself about matters of self-identification, I grew to consider them changeable/situational--at least as applicable to me. For example, I've never been big fan of defining myself (publicly) as anything, e.g. 'smart/dumb,' 'attractive/unattractive,' 'atheist/religious,' 'hetero/homo,' druggie, w/e... I've kept those things to myself. (I'm sure there are ppl out there who consider them fixed for themselves--I've got not argument with that... It's just that I don't consider them fixed for me.)

That said, my romantic w/e has been with girls... There have been a couple of exceptions (lol) during school, and once when I lived in Europe (haha,) but I'm pretty sure that's normal for a lot of ppl...

A few weeks ago, I got out of an awful relationship with a girl (ISTj.) Within the past ten days, I met a guy who I thought was chill... I started talkin to him more and more and then realized that I would be cool w/ going on a date w/ him. I did--and I thought it was great.

I don't know what the hell I am in terms of sexual self-identification--and it's not really pressing to me that I find out... I know this though: I'm not insecure about my sexuality, so much as I'm insecure about being discriminated against... For example, I have no idea how my Dad (ISTj) will react... I've already lost a friend, (INFp,) who said, "ur gay dude? lose my number." It sucks, and it's ridiculous.

So George dude, I know that it can be hurtful when ppl label you as "gay"--in our culture, it's the ultimate stab at a guy... It makes some (a lot?) of ppl regard you differently, if you're known to be gay.

I dunno man how this situation will go for me, but so far it's cool... The only way I can foresee "self-loathing" (as you put it) is if I let ppl like my 'friend' ("lose my number") get to me... I hope that I'm strong enough to be myself.

[JuJu]

Why do gay guys go to prom with fat theater chicks?

LOL... Two ppl with no one to go w/

[Gilly]

B&D you are the man.

I don't really think I'm gay. I'm just not sexually attracted to men, and I am to women. I don't really want any man to touch my weener or put theirs in my bum. I mean I'm not gonna lie, I've had "gay experiences" before (I got head from a guy when I was passed out drunk, and only woke up at the tail end of it; talk about awkward), but I dunno...girls give me boners and guys just don't Mostly I think I've over-identified with what other people say about me; it wouldn't be the only time that's happened.

Juju, good for you man I can imagine that it must take a lot of courage to do that. I wish you the best, and I think you will probably find out who your real friends are, which is as valuable as anything.

[jessica129]

I got head from a guy when I was passed out drunk, and only woke up at the tail end of it; talk about awkward),

umm..What'd you do to him? That's more than a little awkward, that's quite wrong on a few levels.

[Gilly]

7/9 Afternoon

Work was good today. I made a decent amount in tips. I serenaded an old lady and a 10-year-old girl with the Beatles while tending the register; the little girl's family took pictures of me, the old lady and her husband laughed, and a good time was had by all. I enjoy being entertaining, lol. I also love getting attention...lol.

I really want to bone this girl at my work, but she is only 17 and I feel weird talking to her. Plus today I think I surmised that she has a boyfriend (text message from "Brian" : "I miss you" ), and I'm not about to walk that path a second time.

I haven't been thinking much about my type, but at this point I think my choice between IEI and EIE has pretty much come to a standstill. I am probably Beta, definitely intuitive, probably ethical, probably an extrotim, and most likely irrational. Not sure where to go from there. I got an enneagram book in the mail today (as suggested by many of the people here who are knowledgeable in E types) and am going to read 3 and 4; if 3 really hits home I think it will be safe to go with EIE; if 4>3, then, well, I'll keep searching, I guess.

[Gilly]

umm..What'd you do to him? That's more than a little awkward, that's quite wrong on a few levels.

I passed out again, lol. Mostly I didn't want to embarrass him or myself; he's a pretty good friend of mine, and has a lot of pride (and issues). He confronted me later in the school year while he was tripping on acid and asked if he could suck my dick after creeping into my room once and "testing" to see if I was awake. He even offered me money and drugs o_o; We had a fairly lucid conversation and I offered him a ride back to his dorm, which he refused, and then left. Later in the year he was expelled for sexually abusing another male student.