Type this writing (if not the person writing it)
This was a blog written in response to a critic's review of the person's artistic work (trying to be vague). Even if you don't care to type it, have a read, its pretty amusing.
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hi guys!
i thought since every undergraduate geek living in a state of imposed virginity (i.e. Ryan Numballs) is allowed to effect the the critical discourse in this hellish age we call "now", i too would get in on the moronic inferno and have a bit of a go at blogging myself. I'll try to be trite, smarmy and reductive, dismissive, self congratulatory and smug, ill informed, ignorant and overly simplistic. These characteristics seem compulsory in the blogging world and, like all my fellow internet critics, i just want to be part of the club! so here's a list of arbitrary "truths" and put downs none of which I have any right to express. Listen up! It's important that when the world's ending we distract ourselves form anything real as much as possible! I'm just doing my bit......sorry about all that art we created, we realize now that to speak about life and love and death and sex and NOT stare up our own asses in a state of ironic detachment while doing it was wrong of us. We'll try better next time to create work which is NOTHING but a mirror image of ourselves ten pounds lighter. Want a list of half truths, meaningless criticism and blatant slander? I feel one coming on.....
1. Barricade, one of the songs on our new album "in our bedroom trying to figure what the difference is between 7.4 and 7.5" is about two fascist soccer hooligans who can only top a night of beating old people senseless by having rough anal sex and sniffing glue. I know, I know, figuring that out would require LISTENING to the lyrics which is hard to do when, like Mr. Dumballs, you are simultaneously trying to write a review, masturbate to a picture of St. Vincent and correct some terrible lie about you in your wikipedia entry. You know what a reviewer for Pitchfork makes? 40 bucks a review. You know what they should make? 38.50.....
2. I was an actor once. So was Ronald Reagan. ****** was a painter. And i understand Sufjan Stevens is into monster truck maintenance. These are the most important things you can possibly know about a person; what they did for laughs when they were 14. Did you know i played henry the fifth? i got bad reviews for that too.....
3.The world is ending. 30 million people are displaced from their homes in India and pakistan, forced out by floods caused by all of US. Meanwhile in Africa armies of children roam the countryside murdering babies and raping old women. Pople are so hungry they slice open bottles of rat poison and eat it. And here at home, children with every advantage in life spend their days discussing the relative merits of Deerhoof's new record. Thanks kids for being as solipsistic, self preening and fucked up as your parents. WE ALL DESERVE WHAT WE'VE GOT COMING TO US.
4. Art is dead. there is only you, staring at you in the mirror, wondering how to get "the world" to notice that YOU are all that matters....there i am, do you see me? i am doing it too.....i'm just better at it 'cause i have an indie band and a myspace page.
5.my best friends' father passed away 2 days ago. He was a journalist and writer, a joker and a thinker, a man who traveled the world being interested in other people, and helping them when he felt he could. In his long life he was an agitator and a mediator, a father and a friend, a radical and peacemaker. He raised a beautiful child all alone and showed her how to live in beauty. He fought hard and he played hard. He was a real fucking gentleman and a good guy to laugh with.Never once in his life did he ever even consider doing something so innately useless as being a critic. In fact, he despised them. He was too busy being human to stop and piss on other people's visions; I'm going to give him a 9.7......but don't expect me to be that easy on you......
love and hate,
xxxx (the annoying one from "xxxx")
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thanks!
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