It depends though. My EII sister tends to do the sort of thing FDG mentioned. Though it's a little different around my mother and I because she knows the relationship isn't going to be damaged, so she will express a lot of what she approves and disapproves of with us. But the thing is she has a layer of her feelings that is hers and hers alone, that she keeps to herself, that is sacred, and that she shares with no one... My ESE mother tries to pry into these feelings and doesn't understand how personal to my sister they are. It creates conflicts every time she does this. My mother cannot seem to understand this way of being because she expresses her every emotion and her feelings are always fully visible on the surface all the time. She doesn't get that there's nothing wrong with what my sister does (it's just how my sister is by nature and she has always been that way even as a small child). So I don't think that her internalizing her negative feelings or keeping feelings to herself at times is "the worst thing to do." But I know her so well, I understand what she's doing and why and we're so used to each other that differences in our personalities are secondary to the relationship (we'll adapt ourselves to the other when situations call for it).
But on the other hand I can understand this... I feel very uncomfortable sometimes around my EII aunt (who I don't know very well at all) because I detect the subtle air of disapproval coming from her at times. And my natural tendency is to want to "deal with it" and "get rid of it" because it makes me tense. Though I make no attempts to do this (for it would not work), but just try to adapt continuing things that I notice lessen it and avoiding things that I notice increase it. Also I rely on my sister when around her, because the two of them automatically click and just seem to "get" each other. So I can sort of follow my sister's mode of interaction with my aunt. My aunt does things that seem "annoying" to me at times. For instance she hated spending holiday meals at my grandma's house. But of course she never said this. You could detect her disapproval there in this gritty tense sort of way, but of course you didn't know what was causing it (so you feel uncomfortable and helpless around it). And then one year she stopped coming to holiday meals at my grandma's entirely, instead spending them with her sister and her parents... this led my uncle her husband) to have to spend the holiday meals at both places. My aunt took years to act on her disapproval due to relationship worries. She didn't want to send the signal that she doesn't like my grandma (even though she may dislike her) and weaken the relationship.
Then there is my grandma (ESI). The same subtle air of disapproval may surround her at times. I feel much more comfortable around her however because she flat out says it. When she doesn't like something, she says it in a somewhat biting way (or it can be perceived that way... I don't really see it that way, but others have). But at the same time her strong
is there preserving the bonds of the relationship even amid the expression of strong approval or disapproval. It feels more safe because I don't feel helpless... I know what's causing the feeling of tension around her because she just comes out and says it. I know what causes these sorts of feelings with my sister as well (because I know her so well, she doesn't need to say it).
Anyway, it's that
leading can appear judgmental, but it isn't really.
Fi base vs. Fi creative
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Originally Posted by Joy
It's a matter of whether you're using the Socionics definition or the English definition of the word "logic".)