Quick preface: I have spent the past year and a half trying to determine my correct MBTI, Socionics, and Enneagram types. This self-exploration was ignited by a bout with depression (or perhaps an acceptance of the condition itself), and growing anxiety about my career and life-path in general. I have always typed IXXP on the MBTI and Socionics tests, and typically type 5w4 or 4w5 in the Enneagram. But deep down inside I have a sneaking suspicion - some doubt - that I might be somehow manipulating the results to coincide with what I view are my ideal types. I thought it might be helpful to give you a brief overview of my behavior/thoughts/motivations in both my childhood and adult life. So here goes...

As a child, I never felt like a "child." I never felt much like an adult either. I was extremely shy, especially around strangers or groups of people greater than 3 or 4. I internalized this shyness/discomfort into outward stoicism, causing people to find me "aloof" (even to this day). I was extremely sensitive. I felt I could not connect, internally speaking, with my peers. Despite this disconnect, and the loneliness borne from it, I externally appeared to be getting on with a normal childhood; making friends, playing sports, etc. I was a very good and conscientious student, even if it was a struggle for me to concentrate and not drift off into my thoughts. I did well mostly to please my parents. They valued education and it was the one way I knew of that could gain their attention and praise. As a child I always sided with the underdog, and felt a particular kinship with animals. I was always friends with both "outcasts" and "popular" people. I felt it was my obligation to bring disparate groups of people together. I wanted everyone to feel respected and on an even playing field. At age nine, I was diagnosed with a life threatening medical problem for which I would be in and out of the hospital for two years while receiving treatment. As a result of the treatments, I lost my hair and was unable to participate in sports, which I love as a child. In my mind, my sickness made me both a pariah and a messiah of sorts. I suffered from survivor's guilt and an exhileration from having survived. I thought it only right to burden myself with the obigation of an "extraordinary life" as penance for my survival, an issue that I believe has caused me great pain and anxiety into adulthood.

Other things, as noted, I loved sports...both participating and spectating. I did not, however, enjoy being watched. In high school I was what they considered a great practice player; as soon as I got into a real game in front of a crowd I appeared to have never played the game before - too nervous. Also, I never cared if I won or lost, just as long as I "felt" good about my performance and had a good time - this did not play well with my coaches...lol. As a student I struggled to B+'s in math and science, but excelled in English/Literature and History. I had no real ambition to be anything as an adult, but I would often tell people I wanted to be a pediatrician or an activist lawyer for the ACLU. I never wanted to be "normal" but I did not want to appear rebellious or non-conformist just for the sake of being notice as such. My goal was invisibility, yet I also silently yearned for a spotlight...as if I wished I could receive the praise and love that came with public acceptance/approval while remaining anonymous...it's hard to explain. My real dream was to be a philosopher like the Greek citizens of old. I loved to discuss the mysteries of life with my close friends, of which there were (and are) few. I did not have girlfriends. I would typically pick one girl and idealize and idolize her for two to three years, observing and occasionally interacting in the shadows. I fully loved these girls and would have given my life for them. I took to the girls who seemed as if they were hiding some deep secret or psychic pain. I felt if we connected we could escape the world together and create our own perfect bastion of peace and tenderness, away from the reality of everyday life. I was extremely idealistic. I believed that we could make the world a better place for everyone. I just didn't know how, besides "LOVE."

I attended an extremely large, highly ranked public university. I felt lost from the start. I did fairly well, but I had no motivation for the careers I witnessed my peers pursuing - doctors, lawyers, investment bankers, accountants. By my third year I fell into depression, though I didn't realize it at the time. I skipped classes for weeks at a time, laid in bed all day, and took up smoking marijuana. I felt as if my opportunity - my life itself - was slipping away from me. I continued in this state for the rest of college and somehow salvaged a degree and decent gpa from the ordeal. The next few years were filled with an assortment of jobs at which I quickly lost motivation and my productivity floundered causing me to quit in fear before they could discover my shitty work ethic and fire me. I decided to pursue a professional degree in my mid-20's but began skipping classes and ultimately quit halfway through my second year due to depression, anxiety, fear and dissatisfaction. I now work in a field in which I hate in order to pay off the loans incurred while generally avoiding life in grad school. I worked with a therapist and made great strides in rebuilding my self-esteem. I came to acknowledge that I longed to do something creative and over the past year or so, I've narrowed it down to writing.

Just some general things about me. I'm forgetful and messy. I'm still very sensitive. I love surrealism - think David Lynch. I love music that approximates dread and longing, or that feels like the bittersweetness of life and death. Art must have meaning. I often sing non-sensical silly songs for my wife which she either finds hilarious or annoying or both. People say I have a great sense of humor, and I believe they are right - at times. I love alone time and I love the outdoors. There is nothing better than spending a night alone in the woods under the stars next to the fire, preferably in the mountains. There is something primal about the experience; I feel connected to my humanness and life feels palatable in these moments. I enjoy exercise as it reduces my anxiety and increases my confidence and self-esteem. I love sex...it is an outlet where I can truly lose myself in an experience and it becomes, to me at least, almost a uniting of our souls. I do not like responsibility, and will avoid it if at all possible. I like to make decisions based on "feel." I love cooking. I love to read. My favorite authors include Updike, McCarthy, Hemingway, Lawrence and Wharton. I also love the pastoral nature of Hardy's novels. I hate the ocean...it scares me and I feel it is not the domain of men but extraterrestrial beasts. I love the mountains because you are connected to the Earth while still getting the birds-eye macro view of it.

Sorry this was so long...there is so much more...and so much I am forgetting...