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Thread: Growing up with a conflicting parent

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    Question Growing up with a conflicting parent

    What effects could that have on a person's type/personality?

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    I would say there would be good chances for negative effects on the person's mental and emotional health.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    yep.

    I can imagine that the parent would constantly be annoyed by his child's behavior and would react negatively or ignore it (speaking from my own personal experience as a child) thus conditioning the child to suppress that behavior or even be ashamed of it (slowly learning that being you is something bad).
    Do you think this could suppress the natural manifestations of your authentic type later on in life? That would mean a bumpy road until you actually get to the point of recovering from that horrid inhibition. In socionics terms, maybe a close interaction with a dual could be the cure?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheesy View Post
    yep.

    I can imagine that the parent would constantly be annoyed by his child's behavior and would react negatively or ignore it (speaking from my own personal experience as a child) thus conditioning the child to suppress that behavior or even be ashamed of it (slowly learning that being you is something bad).
    Do you think this could suppress the natural manifestations of your authentic type later on in life? That would mean a bumpy road until you actually get to the point of recovering from that horrid inhibition. In socionics terms, maybe a close interaction with a dual could be the cure?
    i think you've hit it on the head there.

    this happened to me and my hubby really helped me, not consciously, but by being himself, over the years. i know i did the same for him. his mom was even worse at the suppressing of his naturalness than mine.

    i've at least made amends with my mom and get along with her now.

    i think what it did for me was suppress a lot of my natural strengths, but then it made other valued things shine through more to make up for them. now, i have a balance with my top things that i wouldn't have had otherwise. which is really the thing making it hard to figure out my type.

    the interesting thing about my mom is that we are actually very similar. she just didn't/hasn't grown in the same ways i did from having her as a mom. and those things are the things that are making me be the kind of mom i "wished" she was with me, unconditionally loving and accepting of whatever each of kids' natural "ways" are of being and doing and thinking and seeing the world......

    she was seeing in me, the stuff that she thought was "wrong" with her, from her own upbringing. i have a son that is just like me and i hear my mom say to me every once in a while the same things she said about me growing up. i know what it's all about now and help open her eyes to what's going on and then she understands better now. not that she agrees but she does respect what i'm doing now.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheesy View Post
    I can imagine that the parent would constantly be annoyed by his child's behavior and would react negatively or ignore it (speaking from my own personal experience as a child) thus conditioning the child to suppress that behavior or even be ashamed of it (slowly learning that being you is something bad).
    I grew up with a conflicting parent, and the above is very accurate, except for this -- in my case, I never really "learned" that being myself was something bad, or something to be ashamed of, because I never accepted that as being true. What I did start to think was that I lived in a world full of people who did think that. A feeling of, "most people are idiots, but that's the only world I have to live in. Which sucks".

    Quote Originally Posted by Cheesy View Post
    Do you think this could suppress the natural manifestations of your authentic type later on in life? That would mean a bumpy road until you actually get to the point of recovering from that horrid inhibition. In socionics terms, maybe a close interaction with a dual could be the cure?
    Yes. And then you realize what a relative waste your life up to then had been.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    I grew up with a conflict parent and i still feel inadequate and that i suck
    ESFp-Fi sub
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    Quote Originally Posted by liveandletlive View Post
    I grew up with a conflict parent and i still feel inadequate and that i suck
    for real? NO! you are one of the coolest people here.

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    yep, I'm pretty sure. A conflicting parent would (in long terms) have negative effect on the child abd I still have problem related with that. It sucks hard.

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    alright folks. because of the reason of this whole thread is why i became a mom and why i do spiritual healing inner child regression work with others. (not currently because of certain life circumstances). but, to me, this is the most important thing in the world!!!!!!!

    i think this happens to a LOT of people and it IS the suckiest thing ever to not be happy to be yourself or think you are good enough being yourself....

    somewhere along the line, i "took it on my shoulders" to want to help anyone and everyone i could with this. if anyone wants to pm me about some things i know you could do that would help with it, lmk.

    BIG HUGS!

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    uh...supervisor parents i think are just as bad.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    I think that there are several implications this could have on one's type. One could be that the person would become a watered-down version of themselves. They would still be their original type but they wouldn't be able to make the best of themselves because their potential strengths (their leading and second functions) were always suppressed and not reinforced. The most outrageous and painful scenario regarding a person's type could be that the person would change their type. I think that they would have their authentic type buried somewhere but would suppress it in themselves. Could that actually happen?

    In a world ruled by socionics (oh no!), there could be this center of people who grew up with a conflicting parent and every person would be matched up with their dual so that they could help each other reawaken their true personality. It would be a place to help you recover from the exact opposite experience.

    dbmmama, it's really great that you're trying to stop your mother from doing the same thing to your son. Parents really do need help on how to help their children make the best of their authentic self.
    I think that the effect of having a conflicting/super-ego parent on me was that I tried to be some neutral personality instead of being the best me.

    Having a supervisor for a parent would have implications that are more in the direction of low self esteem. Super ego relations would also have similar effects to having conflicting relations but in a somewhat more subtle way.

    Expat, I think it's very cool that the impact wasn't that of self blame but wasn't that a tough world to live in?

    For all of you, I believe that life experiences (meeting people that accept you, learning to appreciate who you really are) can help you regain some of what was lost.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheesy View Post
    Expat, I think it's very cool that the impact wasn't that of self blame but wasn't that a tough world to live in?
    I guess that the impact was that I became extremely skeptical of , which is still, perhaps, a more sensitive area than it would otherwise be.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    Let me clarify this. I think that my first reaction, upon meeting ESIs (and EIIs), for a long time was, "are they for real?"
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine Lively View Post
    uh...supervisor parents i think are just as bad.
    how about one supervising and one superego. Not really what I'd call "super-parents". I think those two together can be as bad as one conflicting. I don't think I'm quite over that. Relations with my supervising mom are socionically interesting - over the years she has developed an odd admiration for me. As it turns out, she has thought for a while that I can accoplish anything that I desire because I am determined, skilled and intelligent. I wish I had heard any of that when i was growing up. Even subtle hints. Anything.
    EIE, ENFj, intuitive subtype.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Expat View Post
    I guess that the impact was that I became extremely skeptical of , which is still, perhaps, a more sensitive area than it would otherwise be.
    Yeah, I can see how that happens. I think it drove me into being skeptical about my own personality. I have to say that your leading function survived this experience unbelievably well, it gives me hope.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dbmmama View Post
    for real? NO! you are one of the coolest people here.


    thanks
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheesy View Post
    Yeah, I can see how that happens. I think it drove me into being skeptical about my own personality. I have to say that your leading function survived this experience unbelievably well, it gives me hope.
    Okay let me get more into this, with some examples.

    It's not just about conflicting parents. It's about whether your leading function is welcomed by them, and whether they understand and fulfill your dual-seeking needs.

    Also, I don't think there is a problem with your leading function surviving or not -- your leading function is where you take refuge in, your basic window to the world, the way the world is or should be. That never changes. What an unfavourable environment does is inhibit you from "offering" your leading function to others.

    So, for instance -- an ESI girl I've known my entire life. Her parents were LSI and SEI, and her brother, SLI. She was very unhappy while living at home. She got no Te from her mother (with whom she spent most time) and not so much from her father. She was also unhappy because what the parents valued was Fe not Fi. With her brother it should be better, but he found her "boring" because he got no Ne from her. She felt extremely lonely and unhappy at home, and she also did badly at school, which made the low-Ne parents dismiss her as "hopeless". She was only happy when spending time with her German shepherd. Happy ending: she left home to get married to a Te-leading type and is now very happy.

    In my own case, for very long I took for granted that whenever I got into Te-talking mode I was being boring or annoying, so I took a more silent persona, until I realized that there were indeed people who liked my Te.

    I think that whatever beating your leading function takes, it will emerge very easily under the right circumstances.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Expat View Post
    Okay let me get more into this, with some examples.

    It's not just about conflicting parents. It's about whether your leading function is welcomed by them, and whether they understand and fulfill your dual-seeking needs.

    Also, I don't think there is a problem with your leading function surviving or not -- your leading function is where you take refuge in, your basic window to the world, the way the world is or should be. That never changes. What an unfavourable environment does is inhibit you from "offering" your leading function to others.

    So, for instance -- an ESI girl I've known my entire life. Her parents were LSI and SEI, and her brother, SLI. She was very unhappy while living at home. She got no Te from her mother (with whom she spent most time) and not so much from her father. She was also unhappy because what the parents valued was Fe not Fi. With her brother it should be better, but he found her "boring" because he got no Ne from her. She felt extremely lonely and unhappy at home, and she also did badly at school, which made the low-Ne parents dismiss her as "hopeless". She was only happy when spending time with her German shepherd. Happy ending: she left home to get married to a Te-leading type and is now very happy.

    In my own case, for very long I took for granted that whenever I got into Te-talking mode I was being boring or annoying, so I took a more silent persona, until I realized that there were indeed people who liked my Te.

    I think that whatever beating your leading function takes, it will emerge very easily under the right circumstances.
    The feeling that what I talk about is boring/annoying is something that I felt strongly in my life. I can also relate to the story of the ESI girl, I know what it's like to live in that sort of environment.

    Most of the people in my life (but not my family) appreciate my Ne but not so much my Fi. It feels like I'm appreciated for one side of my personality. I can offer people Fi, the problem is that I've met people that don't ask for that part of me. Most of the time I feel like no one wants to hear my Fi insight (in my past it was my mom and dad, today it's most of my friends) and my Ne has been completely rejected by my mom and sister which is something that held me back from acting more naturally.

    I still don't know which one is my leading function because either way things were twisted into making me believe that my personality wasn't welcomed. I'm currently changing that perception but there's always a trace of that feeling. Sometimes I think that I'm led by Fi but most of the time I don't get the chance to develop it and my Ne is more welcomed anyway (not by my family) so that's the part that many people get to see in me.

    My aspiration is to get to the stage that whatever comes naturally for me is what I'll actually do instead of holding back. My aspiration is be true to myself. I can see what you mean about the leading function emerging when the circumstances are right, I just think that it makes it much more difficult for a person to be themselves without trying to alter it. For me it almost became an instinct.

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    I was raised mostly by my EIE mother (whom I'm still living with).

    I'm more misanthropic and reclusive than most other SLIs appear to be.

    "His feeling that this world is not his Fatherland, and that it does not represent his proper condition, so to speak—his feeling that, basically, he 'comes from afar'—will remain a fundamental element which will not give rise to mystical escapism and spiritual weakness, but rather will enable him to minimise, to relativise, to refer to higher concepts of measure and limit, all that can seem important and definitive to others, starting with death itself, and will confer on him calm force and breadth of vision." — Julius Evola

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    Quote Originally Posted by Expat View Post
    Let me clarify this. I think that my first reaction, upon meeting ESIs (and EIIs), for a long time was, "are they for real?"
    ? Why? what do you mean? is that like a good reaction?

    I grew with with a conflictor parent too.
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    I grew up with an identical parent. Life was pretty smooth with them

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    I grew up with an identical parent. Life was pretty smooth with them
    lucky..
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mea View Post
    lucky..
    It's good and bad.

    My dad and I can relate alot but we have pretty much the same short comings (bad at communicating emotions, real bad at seeing whats not right in front of us).

    Although it's always fun when my dad goes on about my mom's inability to be efficient

    But yeah, I AM real lucky. I didn't know so many people had conflicting (or supervising) parents.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    It's good and bad.

    My dad and I can relate alot but we have pretty much the same short comings (bad at communicating emotions, real bad at seeing whats not right in front of us).

    Although it's always fun when my dad goes on about my mom's inability to be efficient

    But yeah, I AM real lucky. I didn't know so many people had conflicting (or supervising) parents.
    what's your mom's type?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mea View Post
    what's your mom's type?
    I... don't know

    For some reason she's really hard for me to type.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    I... don't know

    For some reason she's really hard for me to type.
    I thought you said she was a caregiving (annoying) SEI
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jem View Post
    I thought you said she was a caregiving (annoying) SEI
    That's the best type I could pin down for her. It doesn't fit 100% but hey what does right?

    Either way it was a very Si household, and when I'm at my parents home I feel like i'm on my very own planet where I have no cares, concerns, problems or anything. I love home.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    That's the best type I could pin down for her. It doesn't fit 100% but hey what does right?

    Either way it was a very Si household, and when I'm at my parents home I feel like i'm on my very own planet where I have no cares, concerns, problems or anything. I love home.
    Sounds nice.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    Either way it was a very Si household, and when I'm at my parents home I feel like i'm on my very own planet where I have no cares, concerns, problems or anything. I love home.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Winterpark View Post
    You don't love your home?

    Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.
    HAHAHA it's the little things.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    You don't love your home?
    I don't want to talk about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    Sure mine ain't perfect but it's definitely my little base where I can plot out all my plans to assassinate people.
    ahh - sounds nice *sigh*
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    You don't love your home?
    INTp
    sx/sp

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    I'd say I like home, but I go there as rarely as I possibly can. About 3 times per year. It's 200km away.
    EIE, ENFj, intuitive subtype.
    E3 (probably 3w4)

    Cool ILI hubbys are better than LSIs any time!

    Old blog: http://firsttimeinusa.blogspot.com/
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