Sometimes being ILE sucks. I try really really hard not to let Fi and Fe get in the way of my ability to enjoy myself and be sociable, but every once and a while someone turns around and round house kicks me in the face as a reminder that, yes, I am ILE, and yes, I do often make social situations awkward with my social retardation. So I spend tons of time trying to open myself up for people because I'm hoping they'll reciprocate so I can get some sort of grasp of what's going on and feel like I actually know people. Instead I basically got everything handed back to me today and told that I come across as a self-centered bitch and why can't I just loosen up and have fun like everyone else does. Needless to say, for any of you ILE's out there, I basically feel like someone ripped out a piece of me in the form of my biggest insecurity and left it on the sidewalk to bleed out. Long story short I was told by my room mate that my first impression always sucks and that lots of people don't like me for it and that I need to learn to stop thinking about things so much and to just relax and have normal conversations with people.
So now I don't really know what to do with myself. I can't be bothered with social trivialities like talking about what my favourite band is because it's something I really don't care about and because I feel like that's so fake. But apparently being genuine comes across as annoying and self-centered (which, in all fairness, I try really hard not to do and obviously fail at). I like to try and relate things back to my own experiences with the hope that others will share their stories, but apparently that's a social faux pas. So my choices appear to be: continue the way I am with the conscious awareness that I'm making people hate me (which in turn breaks my heart) or turn into a fake which will satisfy my desire to please everyone and have people love me, but will ultimately bore me to death and make me feel stagnate and useless.
I hate when stuff like this happens. I always do this stupid thing where I withdraw from everyone and decide to completely change who I am to make people happy, which only works for about a week, and then I'm back to normal and everyone hates me again (apparently). Why can't I be a nice social goddess like IEE or SEE