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Thread: INTJ with INTJ (relationship advice)

  1. #1
    Creepy-

    Default INTJ with INTJ (relationship advice)

    Sorry this is a bit of a saga.

    I'm an INTJ female who dated an INTJ male for 3 years. I broke up with him about 8 months ago and I miss him terribly and now I want him back, but he claims to be not interested. what to do?

    now all the details:
    on our first date he told me he's not looking for a relationship, doesn't want to get married, and wants to date other people. that was fine with me. I felt the same.
    we had lots of passion the first 6 months and were together constantly.

    after that, we were together constantly but the passion slowly slipped into an extremely good friendship. we basically carried on like that for 3 years. occasionally, he 'dated' other women but nothing ever came of it. he's a pretty stereotypical intj - very introverted, very socially awkward, completely unable to share himself or open up to other people - so he just doesn't wow girls.

    I didn't date anyone else because honestly I didn't feel the need to - I was mostly pretty satisfied...except...there's always an except right? the lack of emotion thing. on the girl scale of emotion, I am way down at ice-queen to most people. but this guy certainly beats me hands down. he absolutely worships the ground his dad walks on...but he's physically incapable of saying "i love my dad" or even signing a card "love, blah". he just can't do it. and that basically carries over to his personality in general. he's very kind and sweet... but just not warm.

    i knew he'd never be able to say he loved me and it did bother me, though I tried to ignore it. I felt love for him and wanted to show it, but it bothered him. at one point, I was telling him occasionally that I loved him and he actually asked me to stop it. in the midst of all this, I started doing ballroom dance... he tried it for a while and dropped out...so I went everywhere by myself.

    score-wise I am more INTJ than he is...but I adapt much more easily. I rarely tell people about myself, but I'm fascinated by people and so I ask lots and lots of questions. There are many people who would say I'm their best friend because I know everything about them...but they know nothing about me. I also don't have the socially awkward problem like he does because I have many hobbies so I can usually connect with anyone I meet on some level.

    So, time passes, I'm going dancing all the time. he won't go at all. he's still 'dating' other girls. I'm just dating him. eventually, I meet a guy (had to happen, right) - totally different personality, super warm, extremely affectionate, (but fairly dumb) and we 'date'. of course, he wants me to break up with the INTJ. I don't want to. Warm guy stops speaking to me. six months pass and I'm still dating the INTJ.

    But, I now I miss the warmth. Eventually, I break up with the INTJ. I'm shocked that he does actually cry...not sob, just tear up and sniffle some. after the break up, we go out to lunch together. we agree that we just drifted apart. that we don't have any passion. and that we feel like sister and brother. and we continue to spend tons of time together.
    then...INTJ starts dancing. He's EVERYWHERE I am. He's friends with all my friends. He's at every party I go to. He's at every dinner. And i start to miss him. His dorky awkwardness is what attracts me (no idea why, but it's the truth)... and I miss him a lot. oh, and then he tells me...he does love me.

    he's the one person I've met who actually knows me...he's so absolutely shut off in himself that rather than ask a bunch of questions, I talk. When we were dating, I had no filter with him (other than the emotional one). Anything I thought, I said. So now, I feel lonely. Even though he's around all the time, I miss him terribly. Being friends just isn't the same as dating.

    I tell him I want to date again. He says he just doesn't feel that way towards me. that he feels like I'm his sister. Do you think that’s true? I have no idea. It doesn’t feel true by the way he looks at me and treats me… and if it is true, why he is going dancing all the time.

    Me, being me, I chase him some. Then I don't. Then I do. Then I whine and feel miserable. and here I am. So what do you think?
    should I try to get him back? if so, what's the best approach?
    should I move on? I have a number of guys who I know that want to date me... but I still feel all flummoxed by the INTJ guy. So it feels odd to just pick someone to date.
    Did anyone even manage to finish that blathering, bloggesque book of a post...sorry about that! ha.

  2. #2
    Joy's Avatar
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    Give up on him. He sounds more effort than he's worth. Expect it to hurt for a little while, and then after that it will be a lot better than it would have been if you hadn't moved on. Sooo.... what's wrong with being alone for a little while?
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  3. #3
    Creepy-

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    nothing's wrong with being alone for a while. in fact I haven't been dating anyone at all for the last five months. it's just that since I was dating someone for so long and at the same time meeting so many guys through dancing, that as soon as word got out I am single, it's a lot of effort to stay that way... the guys are nice and it's too easy to slip into a relationship.

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    Joy's Avatar
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    AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA

    that's the story of my life
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  5. #5
    Creepy-drunken stranger

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    I say put more effort into the warm caring guys, and let the stiff stew in his own juices. You've been upfront with him and he says he only likes you "like a sister" so what more can you do? You've got to take people at face value, believe what they say, and if they change their mind, well he knows where to find you.

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    Default Re: INTJ with INTJ (relationship advice)

    man, i thought i typed a lot. near as i can tell, he's not sure what he wants, but understands your personality well. (personally i wouldn't be able to stand a person like myself, but that's a whole different story). i can see him looking around for something different - keeping you on the sideline. just interested enough to keep you going anywhere.

    i've done this in the past, i liked them both, but gave each person something to keep them both on - just in case. it's an INTJ planning tactic. he knows you like him, and he does like you, but can't figure out what else he wants. or just can't admit it to himself.

    so i guess the best thing to do is to forget about him. if he really want's you, he will find you. you might have to settle for a slightly dumber person, just don't go for too dumb, or it will drive you insane. someone that admires the smarts - yet who isn't ignorant in other things.

    personally i can't see how two blocks of ice can start a fire. i know for one that we can be a tsunami of emotion, but it never shows until it hit's land. but if there is no land, it's nothing but a small wave seen by no one. you need someone (probably like i need someone), that will be that land mass. someone that will let the wave hit. but two bodies of water won't do much. it's probably why I's and E's fit together better.

    so, drop him, and see what happens. my guess is, now that your ignoring him, he'll come back. but be prepared for him to use you until he finds someone else.

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    omg *wrinkles nose*

    don't fucking settle. it's better to be alone than to settle.
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    I really like your tsunami analogy, mike_INTJ. It seems to be very accurate.

    As for the antagonist of this thread, I say leave him be. It is difficult to just move on from someone who you have feelings for, but in the long run it is best. He sounds like he is very emotionally retarded. And being who we are, the significant other must not be emotionally retarded. If I were you, I would have definitely stuck with Warm Guy.

    Bottom line: Find someone that makes you feel like a human being, because we're robots enough as it is!
    INTj Mathematician -- "What, me worry?"

    "As intelligence increases, happiness goes down. See, I made a graph. I make a lot of graphs." -- Lisa Simpson

  9. #9
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    I will give you the same opinion as everyone else - leave him in the past. That might seem difficult every once in a while, but just think about your possible future children. They will be very introverted and they will have real problems adapting to the outside world if they have been raised by two INTjs. Do you really want that? :wink:

    Generally, I slightly understand what you are going through. My ex-boyfriend wasn't very warm or open. When we split up, it was very comforting to think about the "could-have been" future. Imagine this: You're fifty, you watch TV and he is still in the opposite end of the room, doing his things. Nothing has changed. He still doesn't comfort you when you are upset and he still doesn't cuddle when you've had a bad day. Seems like he doesn't even care....
    It might not have been that bad for the two of you, but there certainly was a reason why you ended the relationship. You had the strength to end it, so try not to undo it but getting back together. My experience has shown that it takes about 6 months to re-remember the problems of the relationship, but there is no escaping the issues. Don't think that he has reborn by going dancing and saying the words "I love you". He is still the same person.

    Get over him. If he should change his mind and you are still interested, you can give him another chance. Just to see if he has been reborn. :wink:
    EIE, ENFj, intuitive subtype.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristiina
    I will give you the same opinion as everyone else - leave him in the past. That might seem difficult every once in a while, but just think about your possible future children. They will be very introverted and they will have real problems adapting to the outside world if they have been raised by two INTjs. Do you really want that? :wink:
    Would two INTjs have children in the first place?

    That guy sounds kind of like me, actually. And from my point of view, having children would cause me to lose money and personal freedom, and wouldn't be worth it for me.
    INTJ

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    Quote Originally Posted by P-chan
    Quote Originally Posted by Kristiina
    I will give you the same opinion as everyone else - leave him in the past. That might seem difficult every once in a while, but just think about your possible future children. They will be very introverted and they will have real problems adapting to the outside world if they have been raised by two INTjs. Do you really want that? :wink:
    Would two INTjs have children in the first place?

    That guy sounds kind of like me, actually. And from my point of view, having children would cause me to lose money and personal freedom, and wouldn't be worth it for me.
    but you have to continue the legacy some how. not sure how two INTJ's would work as parents though. the kid would have too much alone time, and i can't image what kind of mean, streak, sarcastic wit they would have. and of course parent teacher conferences would be a sight to behold. it would be like two lawyers arguing a case...

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    but you have to continue the legacy some how.
    My legacy would live on until the day I die...

    As for after that, well, I'd be too dead to care anymore.
    INTJ

  13. #13
    Creepy-hihi

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    contrary to the others input, I think you should give him a chance. The whole I'm not interested thing is just there because of his lack of emotional expression. You of all people should understand that. Fact is he told you he loves you and he probably feels he isn't going to meet others that he can be compatible with. You know he loves you.

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