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Thread: ISFps do you initiate conversations over email?

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    Default ISFps do you initiate conversations over email?

    SEIs....do you initiate email conversations with your friends? Or do you wait for them to write you first? Do you expect them to initiate and feel sad when they don't? Or would you email them if you wanted to talk to them?
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    SEIs....do you initiate email conversations with your friends? Or do you wait for them to write you first? Do you expect them to initiate and feel sad when they don't? Or would you email them if you wanted to talk to them?
    all of the above... depends on my current mood. I can be really pathetic sometimes with the bolded part.

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    Quote Originally Posted by theMime. View Post
    It depends on the friend. With my IEI friend I do most of the initiating. With mostly everyone else it's half and half but two of my friends do most of the initiating and they're both EXxp.

    Wow funny how I talk about people in terms of type now. It just comes so naturally. Instead of saying "my friend Claudia" or simply "one of my friends" I say things like "my IEI friend."

    the effect of being on this forum for months.
    yeah... it's not so good

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    Quote Originally Posted by theMime. View Post
    It depends on the friend. With my IEI friend I do most of the initiating. With mostly everyone else it's half and half but two of my friends do most of the initiating and they're both EXxp.
    Well I think that with my SEI friend I'm afraid that I've inadvertently taken on the role of EXXp and I'm pretty sure he expects me to initiate all the time. I've tried holding back and he won't initiate, he just pouts the next time I see him until he can tell that I'm not mad at him or something. We're good friends, I know he cares, I just can't figure out why he needs me to always start the conversation. Doesn't really matter I guess, it's not romantic or anything, I just wish it didn't always depend on me. I know it's probably a personality thing and yet I can't stop myself from thinking that if he really wanted to talk to me, he'd initiate at least some of the time.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Your DNA is mine. Mediator Kam's Avatar
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    depends, I really hate when I send a message to someone, and they don't respond.
    D-SEI 9w1

    This is me and my dual being scientific together

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kamangir View Post
    depends, I really hate when I send a message to someone, and they don't respond.


    sorry kam.

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    Your DNA is mine. Mediator Kam's Avatar
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    no problem, it's more on myspace than anything.
    D-SEI 9w1

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    Quote Originally Posted by theMime. View Post
    You could tell him this.
    Communication = good right?
    If I wrote that to him, he'd be like "huh?" I don't think he'd get it.

    This is a friendship with quite a bit of history and effort has gone into it on both sides so I know it's valued by both of us. Maybe it's just that he doesn't feel the need for so much talking. But then why would he be all pouty and act so unsure of me? I mean seriously the one time I went for a whole week without emailing him and the next time I saw him he had this wild look in his eyes like "what is going on???" lol
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by hkkmr View Post
    I'm very poor at e-mailing people or initiating long term relationships...

    When I interact with people it's not really because of any sort of keeping in touch motivation but rather activity based or business based. Relationship based motivations are more or less painful to me. I am trying to be better tho.

    I really don't know how SEI and ILE duality works in this respect... it seems very touch and go.
    Remind me what type you are? ILE?
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Your DNA is mine. Mediator Kam's Avatar
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    I interact to get a smile out of people. =)

    Like this ISTp girl I met.
    D-SEI 9w1

    This is me and my dual being scientific together

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    Quote Originally Posted by theMime. View Post
    How do you know for sure what that look was for?
    Well I guess I don't know for sure. I only know that he was looking at me and trying to figure things out. I know because that's what he does when he's not sure where he stands. He was feeling things out tentatively, I could hear it in his voice and see it in his face and eyes. It's hard to describe, you just kind of know these things about someone when you know the person. There was nothing else going on in our relationship that would have caused him to be that way towards me at that point. Does that make sense?
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Well I guess I don't know for sure. I only know that he was looking at me and trying to figure things out. I know because that's what he does when he's not sure where he stands. He was feeling things out tentatively, I could hear it in his voice and see it in his face and eyes. It's hard to describe, you just kind of know these things about someone when you know the person. There was nothing else going on in our relationship that would have caused him to be that way towards me at that point. Does that make sense?
    I totally understand that... and do it. When I get in that "mood" and there's a specific person I want to call me that isn't I start thinking all kinds of weird shit. I'm pretty sure I give off that same weird vibe when I first see them, but it wears off pretty quick once I'm around them and can interract in a way that assures me they weren't sitting around laughing at my psychic pleas on purpose. I usually laugh at myself afterwards for being so silly about it all.

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    Quote Originally Posted by theMime. View Post
    yep makes sense.

    question: does he do the same thing with other friends? do all his other friends have to do all the initiating also?
    I have no idea re: email. From what I've seen in person, he pretty much makes everyone else approach him. He did initiate our friendship in the beginning but it was extremely subtle. He would make these little comments to me. At first I barely noticed and then one day it dawned on me that he was trying to be friends. ha ha
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionicgoat View Post
    I totally understand that... and do it. When I get in that "mood" and there's a specific person I want to call me that isn't I start thinking all kinds of weird shit. I'm pretty sure I give off that same weird vibe when I first see them, but it wears off pretty quick once I'm around them and can interract in a way that assures me they weren't sitting around laughing at my psychic pleas on purpose. I usually laugh at myself afterwards for being so silly about it all.
    Okay well this makes me feel better. Because I really think he does this and it helps me to hear that another SEI does too. Plus you're Si subtype also aren't you? And just like you said, it wears off quickly. I mean within a minute we're back to normal, talking and laughing as if everything's perfect. In any case, I should probably just make my peace with initiating emails since this is the way things are. But there's a part of me that would really love it if he would initiate on occasion.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Okay well this makes me feel better. Because I really think he does this and it helps me to hear that another SEI does too. Plus you're Si subtype also aren't you? And just like you said, it wears off quickly. I mean within a minute we're back to normal, talking and laughing as if everything's perfect. In any case, I should probably just make my peace with initiating emails since this is the way things are. But there's a part of me that would really love it if he would initiate on occasion.
    I'd suggest waiting until they've gotten over that initial suspicion and shit's back to normal talking and laughing... then throw in what you're feeling in a joking but honest manner. Let them know lightly that you were sitting around wishing they'd call you the other day. They'll empathisize having just gotten over the same feelings themselves and might pick up some of the slack... then again... I can't say that I'm really thinking rationally when I'm in that mood. It's sort of a totally self-centered thing, like I just want to be assured that I have a friend who cares enough to call me (instead of me having to call them) ehh... I know, it's not very grown up thinking... but there it is.

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    and yeah...
    me=Si subtype

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionicgoat View Post
    I'd suggest waiting until they've gotten over that initial suspicion and shit's back to normal talking and laughing... then throw in what you're feeling in a joking but honest manner. Let them know lightly that you were sitting around wishing they'd call you the other day. They'll empathisize having just gotten over the same feelings themselves and might pick up some of the slack... then again... I can't say that I'm really thinking rationally when I'm in that mood. It's sort of a totally self-centered thing, like I just want to be assured that I have a friend who cares enough to call me (instead of me having to call them) ehh... I know, it's not very grown up thinking... but there it is.
    LOL Good advice. I could actually see that approach going over pretty well with him. If I end up mentioning it to him, I'll let you know how it goes. thanks
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Your DNA is mine. Mediator Kam's Avatar
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    Sorry BG.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kamangir View Post
    Sorry BG.
    what for? It's actually only my closest friends that I do this sort of thing with, not to say anything against you Kam... it's just that we aren't like best friends or anything, still friends though. Anyways... if it helps if it were me you could take this sort of thing as a compliment of sorts Redbaron.

    you know I've been thinking about this more and trying to put what's going on in my head into words. One thing is that generally when this happens it's me getting the impression (yes, entirely made up in my head from meaningless little clues (or sometimes not even)) that for whatever reason they don't want to talk to me. The last thing I want to do is force myself on someone who doesn't want to talk to me, no matter how bad I'm feeling, so that's why I don't just call them myself. I'm not sure if any amount of reasoning or assurance would work to fix it. That's why I think my suggestion from above is the best solution. It sort of changes what it's all about. Plus, doing it like that gives those reasurances of good friendship without it being overt, which would probably make me a bit paranoid later.

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    Your DNA is mine. Mediator Kam's Avatar
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    I was saying sorry for being of the Si subtype. It was a poor joke.
    D-SEI 9w1

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kamangir View Post
    I was saying sorry for being of the Si subtype. It was a poor joke.


    I thought you were saying that you're sorry you don't email me when I'm depressed

    (I was in serious response mode here, you took me off guard )

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionicgoat View Post
    you know I've been thinking about this more and trying to put what's going on in my head into words. One thing is that generally when this happens it's me getting the impression (yes, entirely made up in my head from meaningless little clues (or sometimes not even)) that for whatever reason they don't want to talk to me. The last thing I want to do is force myself on someone who doesn't want to talk to me, no matter how bad I'm feeling, so that's why I don't just call them myself.
    Hmmm, well I really don't see how he could ever think that I wouldn't want to talk to him. After all, I'm the one who is usually initiating the emails! I suppose all of this is my own fault for letting the relationship fall into this pattern in the first place. He expects it because I've trained him to expect it. Of course he wonders what's going on when I don't do what I normally do. blech.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Hmmm, well I really don't see how he could ever think that I wouldn't want to talk to him. After all, I'm the one who is usually initiating the emails! I suppose all of this is my own fault for letting the relationship fall into this pattern in the first place. He expects it because I've trained him to expect it. Of course he wonders what's going on when I don't do what I normally do. blech.
    haha... yeah it really isn't fair. I agree... still though I do this all the time with my SEI friend. I don't particularly like this about myself but it happens.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionicgoat View Post
    haha... yeah it really isn't fair. I agree... still though I do this all the time with my SEI friend. I don't particularly like this about myself but it happens.
    Are you saying that you make your SEI friend initiate? Has it become like a pattern in your friendship? Okay. Well that's interesting.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Are you saying that you make your SEI friend initiate? Has it become like a pattern in your friendship? Okay. Well that's interesting.
    yup... for me, it's because of those times when I have initiated and she doesn't respond I go into a tailspin wondering why. If I'm in a "dark" mood when that happens... oh man... it's like getting flushed down a toilet.

    I think part of this is that my perception and understanding of the world (my friendships and all of it) is so dependent by what I'm feeling at that moment. So if I'm depressed, it's like, of course my friends all hate me and don't want to talk to me... I just don't know exactly why. If I'm feeling good, it's the opposite and there's no need to reasure myself of it. SEIs can be self centered creatures in some ways.

    Also I'm probably not very emotionally mature (after 35 years I'm trying though )

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionicgoat View Post
    yup... for me, it's because of those times when I have initiated and she doesn't respond I go into a tailspin wondering why. If I'm in a "dark" mood when that happens... oh man... it's like getting flushed down a toilet.

    I think part of this is that my perception and understanding of the world (my friendships and all of it) is so dependent by what I'm feeling at that moment. So if I'm depressed, it's like, of course my friends all hate me and don't want to talk to me... I just don't know exactly why. If I'm feeling good, it's the opposite and there's no need to reasure myself of it. SEIs can be self centered creatures in some ways.

    Also I'm probably not very emotionally mature (after 35 years I'm trying though )
    Well I'm 37 and the SEI I'm taking about is 10 years older than me and I think he sounds a lot like you, LOL I think I might know what SEI you're talking about. I remember a thread awhile back.....but we won't go into that here. I once didn't reply to an ongoing email conversation because I didn't think he'd reply back to my last one and I had to pick up my kid from school. Later when I saw him in person I got that weird look at first like "what's going on?" From my perspective, however, this is the most hilarious thing in the world because I have such a high regard for him and our friendship. I do get the mood thing though. Thanks for your thoughts on this, BG. I really appreciate it!
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    ....and thanks to everyone else who replied also! It was helpful to know that you all kind of agreed.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    SEIs....do you initiate email conversations with your friends? Or do you wait for them to write you first? Do you expect them to initiate and feel sad when they don't? Or would you email them if you wanted to talk to them?
    Depends. If I know them well and we're good friends - sure. In fact, I prefer sending random emails out of the blue rather than keeping up regular correspondence. If it's someone I really like, I'll probably labour over 'should I, shouldn't I' sort-of thing ... but I would probably initiate once, and if they don't respond I'll never try again. Re your SEI friend, I would suggest just sending him a one-liner email or something to give him a hint that you're waiting for him to write. Like just 'haven't heard from you in a while' or something like that. People have written similar things to me and it's been a revelation to me - seriously. I'll think - all this time I've been agonising over why so-and-so hasn't emailed me while all the time he actually was waiting for me??!! I call myself an idiot and learn from experiences like that - I do. lol
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    This is so true, it deserves an award or something.
    Take your time - think of something special.
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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