The Enneagram and You (humorous/offensive type descriptions)
The Enneagram and You: humorous/offensive type descriptions
Type One questions:
: 1) Do you get upset when your fiancee uses a double negative in a letter about how she found someone else and is leaving you?
: 2) Do you chain your child to their bed for 3 months straight when they get less than a perfect score on their SAT?
: 3) When you defecate, do you prefer to hold your poop in or shoot it out as soon as possible?
: 4) Are you, without a doubt, the most reasonable, sane, correct person who has ever lived?
Type Two
: 1) People need my help, even down to which underwear they should wear.
: 2) There is no such thing as privacy. EVERYTHING must be a public matter and I should know about it.
: 3) I would say that I'm a giver, especially when it comes to oral sex.
: 4) It really disturbs me that others don't recognize what I do for them -- like the time I sorted their salt and pepper shakers to be "salt" and "pepper" in correct order.
Type Three
: 1) I need to the best. If I don't win that Academy Award I will off myself with a 12-guage!
: 2) I love being admired by others because I'm a neurotic bitch who can't stand up on their own two feet and needs some stupid stranger's admiration to even live.
: 3) I have no fuckin' personality; I am whatever others want me to be.
: 4) Oprah Winfrey is the most profound person in America today.
Type Four
: 1) I cry so much, I add to the death toll in hurricanes.
: 2) I feel SO different from everyone else -- just LIKE everyone else.
: 3) Wearing crazy and outlandish clothes signifies I am individual, since I can't express my individuality by being a truly unique personality.
: 4) No one suffers more than me. My hangnail is worse than William Wallace's stretching, hanging, and disemboweling.
Type Five
: 1) I am a nerd who somehow thinks memorizing 2,000 insect species names is going to help me in life.
: 2) I've heard that there's actually people out in this world who LEAVE THEIR HOUSES...and communicate with other people...and have fun with life instead of learning about every single thing...and devote their times to it. But it's all just a big urban legend.
: 3) A 150 IQ makes up for a 3 inch penis.
: 4) I may be a bit geeky, but I'm also really smart...but I'm still a fuckin' geek.
Type Six
: 1) Brains are useless. Why have your own independent thought when you can have someone else make your own decisions?
: 2) I'm such a loyal sports fan that I TATTOOED my entire body with my local team's colors.
: 3) I have recently purchased Asteroid insurance, just in case a big chunk of rock comes falling from the sky.
: 4) I'm such an anxious person that once I felt the world was going to end when I bought the wrong-size shoelaces.
Type Seven
: 1) I like to experience new things, like shoving needles up my dickhole or trying to impregnate sheep.
: 2) I think life should be adventurous, so I randomly kill people just to make it all interesting.
: 3) My appetite is huge: once I beat the shit out of 30 starving Somalians just to chow down on their gruel.
: 4) I'm loud, talkative, out there, wild, and outrageous -- in other words, I'm an annoying jerk who needs a good shotgun blast to the face.
Type Eight
: 1) Spousal abuse may be fun, but there's nothing like breaking the limbs of one's own children.
: 2) I feel that I alone should control the world -- even though I'm just an abrasive idiot who won't listen to anybody and will end up fucking up the situation more.
: 3) I can get things done -- people will do anything when you put a gun up to their head.
: 4) One thing I regret is I don't beat up as much clergy as I used to.
Enneagram 8 Jokes
Type Nine
: 1) I deny everything -- even the fact that I deny everything -- although if I respond to this question positively it means I AFFIRM that I deny everything, when if I denied everything, I would deny this, therefore this is NOT a Type Nine statement.
: 2) Peace and harmony are the greatest. Conflict does not exist if you ignore it.
: 3) I go along with others because I am more spineless than a jellyfish and have the will power of a grain of sand.
: 4) People say I'm easy to get along with -- because I will do anything they want and downplay my own needs. I'd make the perfect slave.
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