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Thread: threesome (friendship people, get your minds out of the gutter)

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    Default threesome (friendship people, get your minds out of the gutter)

    here's the thing--I'm friends with this SEI and we have this mutual friend who I think is ESE. (now my husband's ESE and I love him but this woman is kinda boring and annoying) Problem is, whenever the SEI and I are talking, the ESE walks over and interrupts us and injects herself into the conversation. She does this all the time without even apologizing. I think she must be ESE/alpha because she acts very democratic about it all as if she should be part of things even though she's not invited. I find this very off-putting. But my SEI friend, also an alpha, doesn't seem to be annoyed by it. Now I haven't asked him point blank if it bothers him but when she does this, he includes her and even does things like ask her questions to continue the conversation. (we're all just friends and all married to other people so there's no romantic interest involved here) I'm seeing this as my own problem as a beta. I want to have one-on-one time with a very good friend of mine and when this third person approaches us I go crazy inside. On the outside I'm very friendly but I do get quiet because, well, honestly, the two of them are doing all of the talking anyway and there's no spots for me to step in and say anything. They don't ignore me, both of them look at me and include me also so I don't feel like they're pushing me out or anything. I could walk away but I stay every time with the hopes that this ESE will leave! Do you think she's just completely clueless? Or maybe the problem is me and my expectations. If it doesn't bother them and I'm the only one who cares, maybe I should find some beta friends? I dunno. So frustrating!!! I used to feel like I identified a lot with alphas and indeed I do like them a lot one-on-one but this situation has showed me that I am indeed a beta at heart. Do you think in general that mirrors get along better than look-a-likes because they're in the same quadra? The SEI and I are pretty close (we're look-a-likes and also share a lot of the same interests/hobbies). The two of them are mirrors. I supervise the ESE. She acts like she likes me but I get really bored when she starts talking. Ugh, I sound awful. I just can't help it.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    What do you want to accomplish? Do you want to get rid of the ESE? Do you want to get along with the ESE? Do you want her to ask permission first? Do you want us to tell you what to want?

    In any case, simply announcing your difficulty is probably what an Alpha would expect (perhaps make it a joke if you're worried about her feelings). I suspect that the best thing to do is to voice your disapproval and let her worry about what to do about it - essentially a claim that she shouldn't try to join your conversations.



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    Quote Originally Posted by Brilliand View Post
    What do you want to accomplish? Do you want to get rid of the ESE? Do you want to get along with the ESE? Do you want her to ask permission first? Do you want us to tell you what to want?
    I think it would be nice if the ESE waited until our convo was over or at least in a lull to jump in rather than interrupting when we're clearly in the middle of a conversation. Isn't that rude? Personally, I would never do such a thing. I thought I sort of liked her but now that she keeps injecting herself and interrupting, I'm annoyed. But realizing my annoyance made me also realize that I'm probably the only one annoyed and I should just stuff it. The problem is that the SEI and I have very limited time to talk. We only see each other once or twice per week for short periods of time so I guess I'm a bit protective of that time. I think I maybe posted this problem because I thought it was such a glaring example of two people from one quadra just being completely clueless about what just happened and the third person being really annoyed. Probably happens all the time but I never noticed it before quite so obviously.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brilliand View Post
    In any case, simply announcing your difficulty is probably what an Alpha would expect (perhaps make it a joke if you're worried about her feelings). I suspect that the best thing to do is to voice your disapproval and let her worry about what to do about it - essentially a claim that she shouldn't try to join your conversations.
    oh no, I would never say anything to her about it. I might ask the SEI if it bothers him. Wouldn't it be funny if I asked him that right in front of her. Like "so hey, does it bother you when you're talking to someone and a third person comes up and interrupts the conversation?? Isn't that annoying??" ROTFL
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    I can't speak for all SEIs, obviously...but if the ESE was being nice about including herself, and had clearly friendly motives, it wouldn't bother me much if she inserted herself into the conversation. Including people is a good feeling. Not including people and being all exclusive is a bad feeling some of the time, because in the back of your mind you wonder if the person not being included is feeling hurt or something. And actually, alot of the time it's easier when people include themselves. It's a nice surprise when you're like "oh yeah, I'm going to be obligated to do introductions and be all outgoing for a bit" but then you learn the other person is perfectly capable of introducing themselves and when they do alot of the talking, putting themselves out there, it's easier to just respond than it is to dominate the conversation yourself.

    Does that make sense?



    I'm not really qualified to give advice but I think a good thing to do would be to talk to the SEI one on one and tell him how you appreciate your guys special set apart time alone. Maybe you could suggest going somewhere like a restaurant or shopping or just somewhere where the ESE isn't present. I'm not sure if your schedule supports that....but honestly, I would never have the guts to tell someone straight out they were bothering me. I would feel pretty bad if I did. It seems like if you said something like that there would be alot of unecessary (IMHO ) drama.


    Oh hmm. That is a bit rude to just interupt all the time.....but I don't think I would mind in most situations, if the person clearly had good intentions. It would actually make me happier because the person valued talking to me more than they valued the often silly little rules of ettiquete and formality that people often feel compelled to follow in public. Just like, how to explain it.....well, for example, if me and some friends were at a restaurant, and a friend whom I knew well kept taking my food and hitting me, (as to being all formal and polite) I would feel happy and loved. I think, at least for me, it's such a good feeling to be able to skip all the "getting to know eachother" stuff and just be good friends right off the bat, and of course if you all were good buddies you would interupt eachother often, right? (Maybe you wouldn't?)

    But, if it were a serious, meaningful, personal, etc. topic, I think I would be annoyed at it being interrupted, though perhaps not as much as you. But I wouldn't show it in most cases....



    Maybe you're on to something...I'm curious to hear others response to this thread.



    Oh wait, if you can, try not to be sly or anything.....I mean, you're probably joking, right? But that sounds like sort of a backstabbing thing to say.....but I just thought of something. Somehow, you should tell her to leave, but in a joking, lighthearted way. Mix in the lightheartedness with a frank, sincere, "I'm telling you this because I value your friendship so much I'm being straightfoward" manner. Oh how do I explain it.....the ESE might be swept off her feet (LOL) when you use that manner. I mean, I know you don't really like her, but it's such a good feeling when people skip all the formalities and treat you like a good friend...and with good friends, it's usually pretty simple to be straightfoward, you don't have to lie to them or infuse your sentences with vehement hidden meaning.

    Is this too confusing? I'm sorry.
    Oh dolphin - this is too much! It's scary how much we think alike! I would have posted the exact same thing! Liking it when people 'include themselves' - YES! Liking it when people disregard ettiquete in favour of forming a closer bond - YES! Liking it when people start hitting me with food - YES! High five sister!!

    The only thing I would add, redbaron, is that if you told the Sei that you really valued your one-on-one time, I bet he'd be extremely flattered and therefore might not encourage interruption from other people so much. He probably isn't aware that it annoys you so much.

    Edit: I just noticed that you suggested that as well Dolphin. *shakes head*
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    -high five mah fwend-
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    Ok I hope this isn't too off topic (sorry redbaron!) But wait............actually it might be super helpful LOL, because if you just treat your SEI this way you can get him to do whatever you want, which includes getting your alone time away from that ESE. :wink:
    I think Red said that she was married and that she was just friends with this guy tho. Don't get too carried away Dolphin.
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Hmm..whenever I see or hear something interesting I inject myself into that situation/conversation. I guess I don't understand the hidden rules or something. I get suspicious if people refuse to include me when I want to. They are probably making a plans against me o_O This is true especially at workplace.

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    chopin and dolphin: everything you guys said is right on. First, SEI is so friendly he always will include anyone which is one thing I really like about him. I know that he knows I value our time together and I think he values it too. So today the ESE didn't interrupt, which makes me like her more and will help me to want to be friends with her and not get annoyed the next time she does it. But I also think that the SEI may have picked up on what happened and tried to make sure we had time to talk today. awww. He's a sweetheart. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and of course I'd never say anything mean or mention it to the ESE. (that was a joke in my previous post) He knows he's special but maybe it wouldn't hurt to tell him again;-) Yeah and don't worry, the husband is okay with it. He's friends with him too, so it's all good.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX View Post
    Hmm..whenever I see or hear something interesting I inject myself into that situation/conversation. I guess I don't understand the hidden rules or something. I get suspicious if people refuse to include me when I want to. They are probably making a plans against me o_O This is true especially at workplace.
    yeah I understand. In this situation it's not that she heard something interesting, she didn't even stop and wait for a lull, she seriously planted herself directly next to us and promptly hijacked the conversation by introducing her own subject. Eh, whatever. I'm trying hard not to let it bother me. I just wish people would use some manners. We weren't being secretive but I wasn't finished with our topic! I suppose I'm being picky and overly sensitive (isn't that how INFps are??)
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    yeah I understand. In this situation it's not that she heard something interesting, she didn't even stop and wait for a lull, she seriously planted herself directly next to us and promptly hijacked the conversation by introducing her own subject. Eh, whatever. I'm trying hard not to let it bother me. I just wish people would use some manners. We weren't being secretive but I wasn't finished with our topic! I suppose I'm being picky and overly sensitive (isn't that how INFps are??)
    Changing the subject without a permission from an INFp is a crime I agree.

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX View Post
    Changing the subject without a permission from an INFp is a crime I agree.
    seriously. how dare she?? I AM her supervisor, after all!
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    chopin and dolphin: everything you guys said is right on. First, SEI is so friendly he always will include anyone which is one thing I really like about him. I know that he knows I value our time together and I think he values it too. So today the ESE didn't interrupt, which makes me like her more and will help me to want to be friends with her and not get annoyed the next time she does it. But I also think that the SEI may have picked up on what happened and tried to make sure we had time to talk today. awww. He's a sweetheart. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and of course I'd never say anything mean or mention it to the ESE. (that was a joke in my previous post) He knows he's special but maybe it wouldn't hurt to tell him again;-) Yeah and don't worry, the husband is okay with it. He's friends with him too, so it's all good.
    Resolutions are great!! <3
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    Thought off the top of my head:

    Maybe you just get along better with the SEI because you're both introvert types? I have a triumvirate "sisters" situation with my two female friends -- one is an ILI and the other an EIE. Generally, I feel I get along better with the ILI most of the time, because our interests are more similar and it just feels like we're on the same "wavelength" mentally quite often. My EIE friend can also be more emotionally needy at times, highly scattered and unfocused. I feel like being with her often makes me feel more unstable, as I'm kind of a sponge for any emotional environment and somewhat volatile myself internally.

    Of course, anytime you have 3 people together in a situation, there's a potential for psychological triangulation, I guess...
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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX View Post
    Changing the subject without a permission from an INFp is a crime I agree.
    I'm guilty of being a bit possessive at times too.
    socio: INFp - IEI
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I just wish people would use some manners.
    I think a lot of it comes down to this. ^

    I know I'm not too bad about interrupting people while they are talking, at least not in the way you are describing. I may sit there for up to 10 minutes if I have something that needs to be said, but I won't speak until I know that I have their attention or people are finished with their own conversation. How long they chose to ignore me is usually up to them...lol. Now, if people are talking about something that I know about and I "feel" like my presence in the conversation would be ok, then I'd jump right in and join them. The person in your situation seems like they are just a bit more rude than you'd rather deal with.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cracka View Post
    I know I'm not too bad about interrupting people while they are talking, at least not in the way you are describing. I may sit there for up to 10 minutes if I have something that needs to be said, but I won't speak until I know that I have their attention or people are finished with their own conversation. How long they chose to ignore me is usually up to them...lol. Now, if people are talking about something that I know about and I "feel" like my presence in the conversation would be ok, then I'd jump right in and join them. The person in your situation seems like they are just a bit more rude than you'd rather deal with.
    yeah, you know my ESE husband would do exactly as you describe here. Exactly. He has very good manners
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by aka-kitsune View Post
    Thought off the top of my head:

    Maybe you just get along better with the SEI because you're both introvert types?
    Very likely, yes. And we have a lot of the same interests and have been friends for longer. Still, I've decided I need to be more generous with this ESE. She doesn't mean any harm. I'm possessive of my time with the SEI b/c we don't have much and hardly ever see each other over the summer, which is coming soon. I need to suck it up and be nicer.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    I can't speak for all SEIs, obviously...but if the ESE was being nice about including herself, and had clearly friendly motives, it wouldn't bother me much if she inserted herself into the conversation. Including people is a good feeling. Not including people and being all exclusive is a bad feeling some of the time, because in the back of your mind you wonder if the person not being included is feeling hurt or something. And actually, alot of the time it's easier when people include themselves. It's a nice surprise when you're like "oh yeah, I'm going to be obligated to do introductions and be all outgoing for a bit" but then you learn the other person is perfectly capable of introducing themselves and when they do alot of the talking, putting themselves out there, it's easier to just respond than it is to dominate the conversation yourself.
    haha. Same with me. I really don't like to introduce new people to group especialy at the begining. It doesn't bug me if they interrupt either long it nicely and I don't like excluding people out if they want to join in.
    ISFP, SEI

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