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Thread: INTjs what do you look for in a potential mate?

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    Default INTjs what do you look for in a potential mate?

    INTjs- (particularly male) If you were considering a potential mate... what do you look for in the opposite sex? What attracts you? Is there anything that you find annoying that would turn you off to a certain female?

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    Default Re: A question for INTjs

    Quote Originally Posted by A star in the sky
    INTjs- (particularly male) If you were considering a potential mate... what do you look for in the opposite sex? What attracts you? Is there anything that you find annoying that would turn you off to a certain female?
    What I like: Sincerity springs to mind. She should be an individual (no cling-ons). A bit of girliness, but not being a total valley girl or drama queen. Sense of humor. Willingness to overlook it when I go on a rant about something. Not taking it personal when I want to debate a topic. Willing to put up with me using sentence fragments...

    Things that would annoy me: Just completely ignoring me. Trying to "change" me, especially if she tried to make me more outgoing. Highly irrational behavior. Either trying to force her way into my "shell" or not being interested in my thoughts. Disagreeing with me without trying to explain her position.

    That's all that comes to mind right now.
    That faith makes blessed under certain circumstances, that blessedness does not make of a fixed idea a true idea, that faith moves no mountains but puts mountains where there are none: a quick walk through a madhouse enlightens one sufficiently about this. (A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.) - Friedrich Nietzsche

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    Creepy-a star in the sky

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    lol, ignoring you irks you? that's interesting. well, why are most intj's allowed to ignore people, but others can't ignore back? i always find it odd how if you catch them looking they avoid your eyes. It's cute. Also a question about the whole forcing the way into your shell thing. What's a good way to penetrate it without being forceful?

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    I look for someone who is intelligent. That is big for me. I would like to be with someone who can keep up in a discussion. I also would like a gal who is strong willed and determined. Also, I would like a gal who is truthful and spiritual. She must also be willing to accept my 'introspective time'. She must respect the fact that I am occasionally withdrawn.

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    Default YES!!!

    *grabs popcorn and coke*

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    I've never thought much about specific qualities to look for in a mate. My only requirement is that I'm able to talk with her. After that, it's a case-by-case basis.
    INTj Mathematician -- "What, me worry?"

    "As intelligence increases, happiness goes down. See, I made a graph. I make a lot of graphs." -- Lisa Simpson

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    I wasn't planning on posting because I am female and heterosexual so I don't really look at girls like that but it's amazing how similar all the text is to what I look for in guys, so my opinion might even be useful.

    What's a good way to penetrate it (shell) without being forceful?
    Always listen to what he has to say. Argue with him about his opinions only if you have a logical reason to think the opposite. I dislike people with unreasoned beliefs. I don't like to share my thoughts with the kind of people who might have an illogical view that leads to me being wrong "just because".
    Secondly, ask a lot of questions! Especially the kind where there are no right or wrong answers. Encourage him to explain his train of thought. You will learn a lot about him by the things he assumes (e.g. ...because people always try to do the right thing...).

    You can argue with his conclusions only by 1) invalidating his assumptions or 2) presenting a better logical equation which leads to a different answer.

    I think that's just about it. If you can talk to him on his level and he opens up, you are probably already in the (girl)friend zone. (Note that guys usually don't have the dangerous "friend zone" like girls do).
    EIE, ENFj, intuitive subtype.
    E3 (probably 3w4)

    Cool ILI hubbys are better than LSIs any time!

    Old blog: http://firsttimeinusa.blogspot.com/
    New blog: http://having-a-kid.blogspot.com/

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    A question for guys in general- if you have feelings for someone, do they usually dissapate if you don't act on them, or do they linger and just get less strong? Especially intjs considering they supposively don't deal extremely well with their emotions. For example... if a guy liked a girl for a year in school, and then didn't see her for a bit (say a vacation, like summer), and then had class with her again the next year, do those feelings completely disappear, or would you still ahrbour feelings for the girl?

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    Mmmm- Wow! Good question!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous
    A question for guys in general- if you have feelings for someone, do they usually dissapate if you don't act on them, or do they linger and just get less strong? Especially intjs considering they supposively don't deal extremely well with their emotions. For example... if a guy liked a girl for a year in school, and then didn't see her for a bit (say a vacation, like summer), and then had class with her again the next year, do those feelings completely disappear, or would you still ahrbour feelings for the girl?
    If the situation hasn't really changed, my thoughts towards a romantic relationship won't really change. Feelings themselves don't really get to play much in the process. I'm not going to pine after a woman forever, but I'll find her just as interesting as time goes on unless something changes.
    That faith makes blessed under certain circumstances, that blessedness does not make of a fixed idea a true idea, that faith moves no mountains but puts mountains where there are none: a quick walk through a madhouse enlightens one sufficiently about this. (A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.) - Friedrich Nietzsche

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous
    A question for guys in general- if you have feelings for someone, do they usually dissapate if you don't act on them, or do they linger and just get less strong? Especially intjs considering they supposively don't deal extremely well with their emotions. For example... if a guy liked a girl for a year in school, and then didn't see her for a bit (say a vacation, like summer), and then had class with her again the next year, do those feelings completely disappear, or would you still ahrbour feelings for the girl?
    I think that's a very type-related question.

    In my particular case, feelings never ever completely disappear if they ever were strong enough, no matter how much time passed or whatever happened in between. That's not to say I'm going to act on them, but they do remain there.

    I'm a bit older than the guys you mean, but I was always like that :wink:
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    Since i've grown up with a strong (introverted thinking) function/attitude thus producing a formidable intellect it would be nice to have a female mate who is well educated more so in the sense of willing to learn and grow as a person as would be fun to nurture.

    A summary of the qualities I may be likely looking for:
    - sincerity
    - an outward zest for life
    - well-mannered i.e. a real lady
    - well-educated i.e. a willingness to learn
    - respectful of my strong
    - protector of my weak
    - interested in their personal development
    - fun to be around i.e. naturally inspiring
    - to name but a few.............

    That's about it for the moment, i can't demand perfection.

    There is perfection in imperfection.

    She's nobody since nobody is perfect.
    Remember to keep things simple and not any simpler like Einstein once said.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Expat
    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous
    A question for guys in general- if you have feelings for someone, do they usually dissapate if you don't act on them, or do they linger and just get less strong? Especially intjs considering they supposively don't deal extremely well with their emotions. For example... if a guy liked a girl for a year in school, and then didn't see her for a bit (say a vacation, like summer), and then had class with her again the next year, do those feelings completely disappear, or would you still ahrbour feelings for the girl?
    I think that's a very type-related question.

    In my particular case, feelings never ever completely disappear if they ever were strong enough, no matter how much time passed or whatever happened in between. That's not to say I'm going to act on them, but they do remain there.

    I'm a bit older than the guys you mean, but I was always like that :wink:

    I think I'll better reduce my posts on the forum to a general "I quote Expat"
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by snowyc
    Since i've grown up with a strong (introverted thinking) function/attitude thus producing a formidable intellect it would be nice to have a female mate who is well educated more so in the sense of willing to learn and grow as a person as would be fun to nurture.

    A summary of the qualities I may be likely looking for:
    - sincerity
    - an outward zest for life
    - well-mannered i.e. a real lady
    - well-educated i.e. a willingness to learn
    - respectful of my strong
    - protector of my weak
    - interested in their personal development
    - fun to be around i.e. naturally inspiring
    - to name but a few.............

    That's about it for the moment, i can't demand perfection.

    There is perfection in imperfection.

    She's nobody since nobody is perfect.
    That's not entirely true.

    IxFPs have all of those traits. The thing is, they don't want us. Not only that, they feel they have a duty not to want us!

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    Default Re: A question for INTjs

    Quote Originally Posted by A star in the sky
    INTjs- (particularly male) If you were considering a potential mate... what do you look for in the opposite sex? What attracts you? Is there anything that you find annoying that would turn you off to a certain female?
    tough to say. since i'm quiet i'd like someone more outgoing than myself, but at the same time not too freakish. i don't like heavy flirts, i like a mostly quiet girl. however it helps a lot if she was into tech into some kind. or atleast not scoff at the idea of a computer as a tool to relax with. knowing something about sci-fi is a big winner, as i usually have to hold back those jokes on most people.

    i like people that can express emotion well, as that is a cue for me to do the next step. someone who can speak to me, as it's too hard to speak to them. someone who is patient since it may take me longer to really comunicate. and someone who is selfless, helping other's without asking anything in return.

    clothes should be simple, i like the tomboy type. t-shirt, shorts, pants, etc. stuff that you would be comfortable at home with. fancy nails, make up, perfume, too much bling - i don't like. someone who doesn't mind getting dirty. having a few useful skills is nice too, anything that i'm not good at.

    primarily turn off's are too much girl - the girly girl. always flirting loudly, laughing at any joke that you might say. wears too much make up. wears clothes that are hugely not appropriate for the setting. girls that talk CONSTANTLY or have to make noise every 6 seconds (i call that the living check). and ignorant people, the type that seems to get dumber each day.

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    Quote Originally Posted by a star in the sky
    lol, ignoring you irks you? that's interesting. well, why are most intj's allowed to ignore people, but others can't ignore back? i always find it odd how if you catch them looking they avoid your eyes. It's cute. Also a question about the whole forcing the way into your shell thing. What's a good way to penetrate it without being forceful?
    .


    because we are usually ignored by everyone else. it's not that we ignore people, it's that they have nothing interesting to say. i like to learn new things, even if it's totally mundane like how to fix a chipped nail - i would rather listen to that; then say how they got their shoes on sale.

    but if there is a girl that we like, we would like to be able to talk like we want to, and if she's ignoring us, she might as well be anyone.

    as for eye contact - i'm not totally sure what i should be doing. i can maintain it for a short time. but there's more to it, not sure how my face should be when the contact commences. so it's better to look away - otherwise we, or atleast i, tend to give a penetrating stare - and that's not good.

    i think the best way to soften the shell is to simply be understanding. be able to relate to simaler things that we say. don't make fun of it, don't break the trust - very important. it takes a long time before we trust anyone. i think revealing a part of yourself in someway could gain you entry. but it has it be given in baby steps. and you should meet anything he does in a positive way, as we are constantly gauging reaction for each stimuli.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous
    A question for guys in general- if you have feelings for someone, do they usually dissapate if you don't act on them, or do they linger and just get less strong? Especially intjs considering they supposively don't deal extremely well with their emotions. For example... if a guy liked a girl for a year in school, and then didn't see her for a bit (say a vacation, like summer), and then had class with her again the next year, do those feelings completely disappear, or would you still ahrbour feelings for the girl?
    it depends on the girl, and the feelings and how far he went with him. i went on for 6 years liking a girl. i stuck her so deep into my subconscience, that i still have her name. i can't get it out. i tend to stick to one person, and only one person if i feel that she may be the one. however i may not tell her this, she leaves and i'm empty again.

    but mostly, yeah, i'll stick to one person at a time - avoiding anyone that might be trying to make contact with me. which of course is also bad, but i tend to feel on both sides - i wouldn't want someone to stop liking me because someone was persuing the other person, or something like that.

    however, on the other hand, he could be at the top of the world with this person. but if the girl made him mad in some way, didn't meet a predicted goal. didn't respond to how he predicted, he may snip her off. or re-evaluate again, in a constant loop.

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    LOL! I can relate to everything you said! Not for myself, but for someone else.

    This thread is GOLDEN to me! I think I might print it out and re-read it continuously. I love INTJs. ^_^

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChristiRB
    LOL! I can relate to everything you said! Not for myself, but for someone else.

    This thread is GOLDEN to me! I think I might print it out and re-read it continuously. I love INTJs. ^_^
    i wish there were more people like you. or atleast some way to recognize it. i tend to be the outcast where i work. people claim to like me, invite me to their table, then speak some other language that i have clearly do not understand. they call me a friend, yet didn't give me a single xmas gift - everyone else got it.

    so i really don't know what i should look for. i see many here that do like intj's - which give's me hope, but on the other hand, i never met any in person.

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    To be honest...I have a hard time showing it. It might be that shy, aloof person in the corner who can't express it who secretly wishes she could. ^_^

    I was born with a WONDERFUL INTJ father who loved me and could relate to me like no other ... so whenever I meet an INTJ, I just "know". I tend to be fascinated by them and get nervous when they are around. I've never met an INTJ I didn't like or want to get to know better! :wink: I think I was made to like INTJs. I have such a love for them.

    I wish for you to find that person who "gets" you. There's nothing else like it in the world.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChristiRB
    To be honest...I have a hard time showing it. It might be that shy, aloof person in the corner who can't express it who secretly wishes she could. ^_^

    I was born with a WONDERFUL INTJ father who loved me and could relate to me like no other ... so whenever I meet an INTJ, I just "know". I tend to be fascinated by them and get nervous when they are around. I've never met an INTJ I didn't like or want to get to know better! :wink: I think I was made to like INTJs. I have such a love for them.

    I wish for you to find that person who "gets" you. There's nothing else like it in the world.
    do you know what type you are?

    though not sure if it matters - i mostly need a key. like how she might speak to me if she does like me. i have one that i think she does, but there are many flucuations. but it may just be the holiday's and the extra attention. i know i don't like the hussle.

    but mostly the worst aspect for me atleast, is that i am quiet. and if your quiet people don't bother you. which is good, but at the same time, no one comes to visit. i don't strike up a conversation. i can add to it, and i can answer just about any question on almost any topic. but i need to be prompted, and not many want to prompt.

    so far the only people that do get me - is the engineers. but we speak the same talk, so that makes sense. but they are also mostly guys, which is of no help to me. i was even able to use a Hardak (sp), reference from batman, and he knew what i was talking about. i didn't get that spaced out look that everyone else gives me.

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    I'm ENFJ. :wink:

    I think the reason people don't seek you out is bc they are so caught up in themselves and their life and if you are introverted..they kind of "miss" you bc you don't engage them. It's like if you aren't entering "their" world, then you aren't really thought of. Is that the feeling you get?

    Also, I think most INTJs tend to fall in love deeply and that God made them so the woman/man would find them. I don't know if you believe in God or even my theory, but I just think of the INTJ like the egg and women/men are like the sperm...it takes that one special gal/guy who never gives up, who TRULY wants to get to know the INTJ- all of him/her, who TRULY accepts the INTJ for who he/she is...to get through and penetrate that hard shell that he/she has built up around his/her heart. And then, then the INTJ will open up and let someone in. And if this happened with everyone who comes along- the INTJ would probably be continuously hurt...and usually INTJs are too sensitive for that...so it's a GOOD thing he/she's so guarded.

    Just my take on it all though. ^_^

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    sure wish there were more of you in the world. specifically, male versions of you, christi.

    i do find something quite fascinating about what mike wrote. i always tended to see men as having certain general tendencies and women tending a different way, with regards to relationships. but if what mike says holds for other INTj men, and my own opinions are representative of INTj women, then the men and women (of this type, at least) seem to react and view relationships, constancy and commitment in remarkably similar ways.

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    Hehe....thanks. *hugs*

    You know...I have never met a male ENFJ in real life...ever. That would be something to behold!

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChristiRB
    Hehe....thanks. *hugs*

    You know...I have never met a male ENFJ in real life...ever. That would be something to behold!
    I have two friends who are male ENFj's. I suppose I could ship them to you for a nominal fee. Not sure if they would be happy with it, but they'll adapt...
    That faith makes blessed under certain circumstances, that blessedness does not make of a fixed idea a true idea, that faith moves no mountains but puts mountains where there are none: a quick walk through a madhouse enlightens one sufficiently about this. (A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.) - Friedrich Nietzsche

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    Creepy-Diana

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    .

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    INTjs- (particularly male) If you were considering a potential mate... what do you look for in the opposite sex? What attracts you? Is there anything that you find annoying that would turn you off to a certain female?
    Nothing. INTj's are Asexual. Stop bothering everybody by asking these questions!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChristiRB
    I'm ENFJ. :wink:

    I think the reason people don't seek you out is bc they are so caught up in themselves and their life and if you are introverted..they kind of "miss" you bc you don't engage them. It's like if you aren't entering "their" world, then you aren't really thought of. Is that the feeling you get?
    possibly. though where i work they mostly speak some other language anyway. if they asked me a question about myself i would probably answer - but to date, atleast 2 years, no one really speaks to me.

    Also, I think most INTJs tend to fall in love deeply and that God made them so the woman/man would find them. I don't know if you believe in God or even my theory, but I just think of the INTJ like the egg and women/men are like the sperm...it takes that one special gal/guy who never gives up, who TRULY wants to get to know the INTJ- all of him/her, who TRULY accepts the INTJ for who he/she is...to get through and penetrate that hard shell that he/she has built up around his/her heart. And then, then the INTJ will open up and let someone in. And if this happened with everyone who comes along- the INTJ would probably be continuously hurt...and usually INTJs are too sensitive for that...so it's a GOOD thing he/she's so guarded.

    Just my take on it all though. ^_^
    near as i can tell so far, most that want to know me, are married, or see's me as a curiosity. never really getting into anything, speculating who i am, setting up questions to force an answer. or playing with my emotions, as if i didn't feel anything.

    but so far, no one really comes to me. they say hi and all. but no one really want's to know me. i have to force it down their throats, but i don't want to have to do that. and i can't just wait, i'll be dead by the time i find someone, and that would never work. i don't hang out in places where people can see me, and if i did go, i would be dead silent. so i don't think anything would ever work out. i don't like talking to strangers in person...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirana
    sure wish there were more of you in the world. specifically, male versions of you, christi.

    i do find something quite fascinating about what mike wrote. i always tended to see men as having certain general tendencies and women tending a different way, with regards to relationships. but if what mike says holds for other INTj men, and my own opinions are representative of INTj women, then the men and women (of this type, at least) seem to react and view relationships, constancy and commitment in remarkably similar ways.
    i guess the simalities are: that an INTJ want's a relationship that is totally full from top to bottom. most marriages today end in divorce. male see's female's ass, chest, etc. falls in love, they love to be in bed - that's it. that's the whole relationship. the female wears exterior coats of coloring to enhance looks. the guy falls in love with her perfect skin, deep blue eyes, etc.

    they marry. she doesn't have to gussy up anymore. he finds out that her skin is terrible (or atleast not porcelin anymore), her eyes are really a brown color, not blue (contacts). her facade is removed. since he never really got to know her it doesn't work out. the girl on the other hand might have wanted a nice show off person at her side. someone to show off too. he loses his looks, and since they never really got to know each other in any in depth way, they split.

    many people want people in superficial ways. and though i will be more attracted to someone that's pretty (different definitions of that), i need to know if we are compatible. otherwise it's a lot of work for nothing.

    but near as i can tell INTJ's seem to be attracted to people that are basic, plain, not showy or loud. techy people are nice, or into scifi is good. but ideally simple is best, and maybe a little more outgoing (but not too much).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Diana
    Hey Mike, don't give up hope yet! I don't think you're on your death bed right now or anything

    My husband and I were in Botany together. What got me interested in him was his humor. He was very witty, and made a 3 hour botany lab something to look forward to. He was also very creative and was always coming up with new solutions for things. We were in the same major, Wildlife Biology, so we had something in common there. But he was the one who made the effort to get to know me.

    He seemed very comfortable with himself, not easily embarrassed, not nervous. Our first date we went to a movie. The next day he came over to my dorm and we took a walk. A very long walk and just talked about everything, including what we wanted from a marriage, how many kids we wanted, religious beliefs, just everything. It all seemed very effortless, very natural. So, I think that someday that's how it'll be for you, everything will sort of just fall into place.
    roughly how long did he "court" you before dating? who initialized the first date. and did he use any sort of tactic to get you to really notice him? or were you the one in the lead, attracting him?

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    Creepy-Diana

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    .

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    yes... i can see clearly why his approach worked, diana. you're so lucky.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChristiRB
    I'm ENFJ. :wink:

    I think the reason people don't seek you out is bc they are so caught up in themselves and their life and if you are introverted..they kind of "miss" you bc you don't engage them. It's like if you aren't entering "their" world, then you aren't really thought of. Is that the feeling you get?

    Also, I think most INTJs tend to fall in love deeply and that God made them so the woman/man would find them. I don't know if you believe in God or even my theory, but I just think of the INTJ like the egg and women/men are like the sperm...it takes that one special gal/guy who never gives up, who TRULY wants to get to know the INTJ- all of him/her, who TRULY accepts the INTJ for who he/she is...to get through and penetrate that hard shell that he/she has built up around his/her heart. And then, then the INTJ will open up and let someone in. And if this happened with everyone who comes along- the INTJ would probably be continuously hurt...and usually INTJs are too sensitive for that...so it's a GOOD thing he/she's so guarded.

    Just my take on it all though. ^_^
    After almost a year of e-mailing, talking on the phone and occasional visits, "my" INTj now calls me first, hugs me first and so on. There is still no obvious romance in the air, but the friendship has moved to a trusting and comfortable level. It took much longer than with anyone I have ever met, but it's been truly rewarding, regardless of where it is to move from here. But I would always also say (regardless of the types involved): Don't cater his/her needs too much. I know that I overwhelmed him with my directness and energy, but he also puzzles me with his aloofness and detachment. Well, we are the people we are and have to learn to deal with it. :wink:

    As for loving INTjs: They make me feel grounded like few other types. I'm still trying to figure it out.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim
    Quote Originally Posted by ChristiRB
    I'm ENFJ. :wink:

    I think the reason people don't seek you out is bc they are so caught up in themselves and their life and if you are introverted..they kind of "miss" you bc you don't engage them. It's like if you aren't entering "their" world, then you aren't really thought of. Is that the feeling you get?

    Also, I think most INTJs tend to fall in love deeply and that God made them so the woman/man would find them. I don't know if you believe in God or even my theory, but I just think of the INTJ like the egg and women/men are like the sperm...it takes that one special gal/guy who never gives up, who TRULY wants to get to know the INTJ- all of him/her, who TRULY accepts the INTJ for who he/she is...to get through and penetrate that hard shell that he/she has built up around his/her heart. And then, then the INTJ will open up and let someone in. And if this happened with everyone who comes along- the INTJ would probably be continuously hurt...and usually INTJs are too sensitive for that...so it's a GOOD thing he/she's so guarded.

    Just my take on it all though. ^_^
    After almost a year of e-mailing, talking on the phone and occasional visits, "my" INTj now calls me first, hugs me first and so on. There is still no obvious romance in the air, but the friendship has moved to a trusting and comfortable level. It took much longer than with anyone I have ever met, but it's been truly rewarding, regardless of where it is to move from here. But I would always also say (regardless of the types involved): Don't cater his/her needs too much. I know that I overwhelmed him with my directness and energy, but he also puzzles me with his aloofness and detachment. Well, we are the people we are and have to learn to deal with it. :wink:

    As for loving INTjs: They make me feel grounded like few other types. I'm still trying to figure it out.
    you might have to teach him romance, and the limits thereof. you might be able to offer it as a game.

    they say candlelight in a dark room is romantic, but i don't see why. he may be the same. aloof is the wrong word, he may simply not know what his face should look like at what time. but if he's calling you, then that's always the best sign....

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    It took me nine months to truely open up with my 'friend'. I am very guarded. And over the nine months, I let her know a little bit more about myself. It was kind of piecemeal. And I am glad she wasnt offended by my traits. Its just that I have been hurt numerous times by people. I don't want to sound like a victim, but it is the truth.

    And I opened up to her in the form of a letter. Now, many people have told me that opening up to someone in a letter is cowardly. But, it was a release for me. Since I wasn't able to physically show her how much she meant to me, I had to make up for it with words.

    I admit that I went too slow with her. And she even told me that I should have made a move. She emphasized that things could have been different--meaning I would be more than a friend.

    As an INTJ, I felt it was necessary for me to 'investigate' my friend. By that I mean that it took me months to piece together everything she told me about herself. Don't get me wrong. I am a male and I was attracted to her. But I had to place all of the real reasons why I liked her together: her spirtuality, her intelligence, etc...

    Gosh, I wish I had stopped worrying about the "analysis" of my friendship. I wish I could have stopped being such a thinker, and just go after her like any normal guy would. That might be the reason why I don't have much luck with the opposite sex--I am too much of a thinker.

    joegeo

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    Hi. Would you describe this "process" you speak of?

    There's nothing wrong with being a thinker. :wink: And it's okay to go slow. Thing is, you just gotta find the person willing to wait....I don't think INTJs can go any faster for anyone else's sake. *shrug* People could stand to be a little more patient though. Everyone is so fast now-a-days.

    EDIT: I have been waiting 10 years for my INTJ to make a move. I have heard everything from "maybe he's gay" to "face it, he's just not that into you or he would have asked you out by now". But I want to believe so desperately that he's just afraid.

    I guess I just want to understand what's turning in his mind b/c I can see the passion in his eyes when he looks at me.

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    ChristiRB: The 'process' really isnt too complicated. For example, when I last talked to her, she said that she was doing a paper on sustainable development. My mind does several things at once. First thing is that I run through everything she has told me about her politics. I run through every little detail she has given me over the last nine months, from comments about Bush to her college professors. (This is not to say that this issue is a 'liberal' issue. This is just an example.) Then, this is the weird thing, I actually start thinking about the subject. I zone out for a few moments thinking about the subject. Now, I am not thinking about a response to give her. I am just 'thinking' about the subject. I run through everything I know about the subject. Basically what happens is that I overthink. By the time I am done with a topic, she is mentally way past me on the discussion.

    And when someone asks me to do something, it can take a while to get a response. I like to run through Plan A to Plan Z before I actually commit to something. I realize that that can turn off a lot of people.

    And yes, I am sure that I have gotten some people to wonder if I "play for the other side". Well, I can say that I am not. But I can say that I have been 'benched' way too long. I want to get into the game, if you know what I mean.

    I know this will sound silly. But, I have some hope that my friend may consider me when I get back home. (I will spend several years volunteering overseas). I know it is crazy. However, I feel that we have a bond. She told me a lot about herself. In fact, she told me things she has never told to anyone else. And yes, I did tell her things about myself that others do not know about. I mean, really got to know this person.

    One more thing about INTJs and sentimentallity. My friend was back home for Christmas break. She invited me to her church's midnight mass. Well, I was appreciative that she asked me. I even gave her a gift that night. She apologized that she didn't get me anything. I told her that that was ok. Well, she was really touched by what I got her (cd, journal, and fountain pen). She actually started to cry a little. Seeing her reaction to my gift really uplifted me. And I know that sounds strange coming from a INTJ. We are suppose to be cold and detached.

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    Ahhhh....SUPPOSED to... :wink:

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    Quote Originally Posted by joegeo2006
    It took me nine months to truely open up with my 'friend'. I am very guarded. And over the nine months, I let her know a little bit more about myself. It was kind of piecemeal. And I am glad she wasnt offended by my traits. Its just that I have been hurt numerous times by people. I don't want to sound like a victim, but it is the truth.

    And I opened up to her in the form of a letter. Now, many people have told me that opening up to someone in a letter is cowardly. But, it was a release for me. Since I wasn't able to physically show her how much she meant to me, I had to make up for it with words.

    I admit that I went too slow with her. And she even told me that I should have made a move. She emphasized that things could have been different--meaning I would be more than a friend.

    As an INTJ, I felt it was necessary for me to 'investigate' my friend. By that I mean that it took me months to piece together everything she told me about herself. Don't get me wrong. I am a male and I was attracted to her. But I had to place all of the real reasons why I liked her together: her spirtuality, her intelligence, etc...

    Gosh, I wish I had stopped worrying about the "analysis" of my friendship. I wish I could have stopped being such a thinker, and just go after her like any normal guy would. That might be the reason why I don't have much luck with the opposite sex--I am too much of a thinker.

    joegeo
    but then again, she was expecting something. she wanted a typical reaction, because that's all she knew about. she wanted the physical, and not the mental. so in the end it might not have worked out anyway.

    if you jump in too soon, she'll push you away. if it's too late, it's the same result, in some ways you can't win in either direction.

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