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Thread: The silent treatment (Fe vs Fi)

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    Default The silent treatment (Fe vs Fi)

    I read this on the wiki, in a description of valued Fe:

    They prefer misgivings to be out in the open; they believe that the silent treatment is one of the worst things you can do to a person, and only aggravates the underlying problem.
    How do people feel about this, specifically Delta/Gamma people? I know it says Fe-valuers think the silent treatment is not helpful, but I wonder how Fi-valuers feel about it?

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    It's better for me to give silent treatment and let everything pass in a while rather than explode in anger, imho.
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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    My mom is ENFp-Fi, and she's really good at the silent treatment. But I can't see how it helps her in the long run. She will go on like a martyr and say nothing, just reproachful looks and sighs and stuff, until she can't stand it anymore, and explodes in a fit of righteous rage. How is that healthy?
    I also have no idea.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    It's better for me to give silent treatment and let everything pass in a while rather than explode in anger, imho.
    but isn't it better to let the person know what the problem is so you can have some hope of sorting it out?

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    Quote Originally Posted by hellothere View Post
    but isn't it better to let the person know what the problem is so you can have some hope of sorting it out?
    Yeah, definitely. However, it isn't always easy to discuss problems. There are also some things which can make me pissed that I recognize not being a problem but just a shortcoming-neurosis of mine, for example, so there is no need (from my POW) to discuss them.

    In fact, I think that most of the time what I do not know if I am feeling pissed for a reason or because there's something worth to be pissed about. I would not say that I give the silent treatment on purpose; it's just that if I am pissed and I want to let it pass I prefer to shut up rather than risk saying somthing offensive.
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    It's better for me to give silent treatment and let everything pass in a while rather than explode in anger, imho.
    i totally agree. and it's one reason i do it. because i can't properly articulate how i feel when i'm in a state like that and i'd probably just add insult to injury. usually it's just better for one party (preferably not me, hah,) to come forward and say, "hey, i'm sorry." or bend under the pressure or something. i hate it, but i do it anyhow. i'll usually forgive people who want to be forgiven. i don't really like arguments to begin with, but i accept that they happen sometimes. i just don't see the silent treatment as "pretending the problem isn't there." it's an acknowledgment, for sure.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    In fact, I think that most of the time what I do not know if I am feeling pissed for a reason or because there's something worth to be pissed about. I would not say that I give the silent treatment on purpose; it's just that if I am pissed and I want to let it pass I prefer to shut up rather than risk saying somthing offensive.
    Yeah I think I understand - maybe giving the silent treatment deliberately vs. giving it instinctually needs to be distinguished.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hellothere View Post
    Yeah I think I understand - maybe giving the silent treatment deliberately vs. giving it instinctually needs to be distinguished.
    wait, what are you talking about then? because i'm pretty sure i'm on the same page as FDG here.

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    hmm maybe 'silent treatment' is too vague - what I really meant was preferring not to have "misgivings out in the open"

    I think if you have a significant, meaningful relationship with the person you have a problem/fight with, then its definitely best for the misgivings to be out in the open.

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    Quote Originally Posted by implied View Post
    wait, what are you talking about then? because i'm pretty sure i'm on the same page as FDG here.
    well what he said seemed to me to contrast with what glamourama + dolphin said about the silent treatment - two different types of silent treatment used in different situations with differing motivations

    I have more of a problem with the kind of silent treatment that glamourama and dolphin referred to than the more transient kind of silent treatment that FDG seemed to describe

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    Quote Originally Posted by hellothere View Post
    well what he said seemed to me to contrast with what glamourama + dolphin said about the silent treatment - two different types of silent treatment used in different situations with differing motivations

    I have more of a problem with the kind of silent treatment that glamourama and dolphin referred to than the more transient kind of silent treatment that FDG seemed to describe
    I don't really understand silent treatment with motivation. It seems obvious to me that if I am giving the silent treatment is because I do not want to deal openly with the problem since either I feel like it's a minor annoyance, or something that cannot be solved at all. If a problem can be potentally solved - it's not even a problem to begin with !

    Could it be that Fe types consider silent treatment as a purposeful action aimed at altering other people's emotional states, whereas Fi types consider silent treatment as an action that stems from their personal feelings towards the situation? This would explain the different attitudes shown towards the topic.
    Last edited by FDG; 03-03-2008 at 08:35 AM.
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    I naturally seem to use the silent treatment, especially with my father, who seems to trigger it constantly. But it being about pent up anger and emotions that explode is not how it is for me. It's quite the opposite, it's a result of lack of emotions, a transition into indifference. Normally it's a result of a lack of hope in the person, situation, relation.

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    I am prone to silence, but it is certainly not a treatment. If a loved one does something that really gets to me, I stop speaking for two reasons. The first reason is something getting to me is a bit of a surprise and I need a minute (or two!) to understand what the hell is going on. (Emotions? wtf!) The second reason is an instictive expectation that the loved will know that something is wrong by the silence and the body language.

    Again, silence is not a treatment or a choice, but instead more of a gut reaction to the suprise and expectations that I have.
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    that is what i was getting at. if there is an inescapable appropriation that is required in the act of understanding, this brings into question the validity of socionics in describing what is real, and hence stubborn contradictions that continue to plague me.

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    I really dislike silent treatment. It should be renamed "miscommunication on purpose". Or actually lack of communication on purpose. If you've got something to say, just say it. If you give me silent treatment, I will REALLY hate that! The only problem with me and my INFj friend was that she gave me silent treatment for a month or something. We would still hang out, but one single fight was hanging between us for like forever. I don't think I've totally got over it. I don't trust her to express her opinions and I constantly feel like I have to think for myself and her.

    Lately I've been hanging out with one ISTj and she has the habit of just saying things. She'll playfully confront me about the smallest things and I totally love that! I can explain my motives about all possible problem spots and it doesn't come between us.

    Silent treatment is a game for wussies and weaklings - I lose respect for a person who gives me silent treatment. I think silent treatment is a combination of not having Fe or Se. makes people confront others and makes people express their emotions.
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    I don't purposely give "the silent treatment" but if there are a lot of problems I sometimes just withdraw. On the other hand, sometimes I explode in anger. But I agree with Kristiina that when I withdraw it's out of a desire to avoid confrontation so on my part it would be weak Se.
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    The only points of the "silent treatment" are either to manipulate you into submission. And sometimes you will come across those people who give you the silent treatment just because they don't know what else to do. For instance, emotionally reacting to someone who doesn't know how to handle intense emotional reactions....and it can get more specific blah dee blah I hope you get what I'm saying.


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    Last edited by Khamelion; 03-03-2008 at 02:50 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by hellothere View Post
    How do people feel about this, specifically Delta/Gamma people? I know it says Fe-valuers think the silent treatment is not helpful, but I wonder how Fi-valuers feel about it?
    I don't think "the silent treatment" is more Fi than Fe, or vice versa. Any type can do that. (I would tend to think that SEE's would be the least likely to do it though.)

    I would think Fe dominants would be more likely to ignore someone in a way in which creates an emotional atmosphere conducive to what they're trying to accomplish.

    Fe creatives may do the same, but I would think that they'd be more likely to avoid an unpleasant emotional atmosphere by not mentioning something that's bothering them. That's not really the same as the silent treatment though.

    If a Fi dominant isn't talking to you, it's not a game. They're not trying to make you feel a certain way or anything like that, they just don't want to you. I could see how someone who sees things from a Fe perspective would think of this as "the silent treatment" though.

    Fi creatives are capable of playing "the silent treatment" game of course, but I would think the dual of someone with a Fe PoLR would prefer to just be open about problems.

    I think logical types vary a lot per individual.
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    *shrugs* I'm Fi, and I don't think I usually do it. That said, I'm fluent in "grunt". Seriously, I just don't tend to air my offenses, not to say that's always healthy. If I spoke up more, things might get fixed. Or not.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    I don't purposely give "the silent treatment" but if there are a lot of problems I sometimes just withdraw. On the other hand, sometimes I explode in anger. But I agree with Kristiina that when I withdraw it's out of a desire to avoid confrontation so on my part it would be weak Se.

    I completely agree. And this all played out very interestingly for me last Wednesday.

    I was out for dinner with some German friends: All perfectly nice, educated people whom I have known for several years. Everything was going great, until the conversation drifted towards the "exasperation over how stupid Americans are" field.

    Don't get me wrong: I do not believe that America is perfect, and it's not as if I faint when I hear any criticism of it. Ask me to list what aspects of my country need fixing, and I can go on for days. But this conversation went way beyond that. I don't remember all of the details, but it went like this, "These Americans need signs in the trains and buses telling them not to eat or play radios while on board. Hahahaha how stupid!!!"

    It would be one thing if they had this conversation amongst themselves, but this time there was an American in their company: One who understood every word that they said in their native language, and they knew it. I fixed my eyes on my plate in front of me and kept silent. I never made a conscious decision such as, "Okay...The Silent Treatment commences....now!" I was just so overwhelmed by the whole thing that I couldn't think of what to say. Plus, I was afraid that if I did say something, a big fight would erupt and they would all attack me at once. I finished my wine in one gulp and then slammed the glass down onto the table. No one seemed to notice. Finally, someone who had just finished a "these silly Americans" anecdote about a time when he was arrested for taking coins from a fountain in Florida ("They arrested me for stealing their wishes! How silly!") asked me, "What do you have to say to this, Jane_Eyre?"

    Keeping my eyes on my empty glass, I tersely spat out the single syllable "Nichts." Nothing.

    They got the message and, quickly and sheepishly, changed the subject. The coin-stealing guy even apologized to me afterwards.

    In retrospect, it would have been better if I had spoken out and made my feelings known instead of going all passive-aggressive on them, but that was not going to happen with my state of mind at the time.

    So in conclusion, the Silent Treatment is not a game that I conciously play. It's something that just happens.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jane_Eyre View Post
    I completely agree. And this all played out very interestingly for me last Wednesday.

    I was out for dinner with some German friends: All perfectly nice, educated people whom I have known for several years. Everything was going great, until the conversation drifted towards the "exasperation over how stupid Americans are" field.
    I get this a lot in my dealings with Europeans. Often I will ask a rhetorical question, "Do you always believe what you see on television and the media?" Unless they are very dense themselves, they usually shut up about it because only by watching television does one get such a stupid idea. I usually quip that through my travels, I have found that the average intelligence is on par where ever you go. The implication being that if europeans traveled as much as they think they do, they would have a better idea about the world.


    And for your German friends, show them this: http://www.gallup.com/poll/3742/New-...ge-Levels.aspx

    These results are comparable to those found in Germany when a similar question was asked there in 1996; in response to that poll, 74% of Germans gave the correct answer, while 16% thought the sun revolved around the earth, and 10% said they didn't know. When the question was asked in Great Britain that same year, 67% answered correctly, 19% answered incorrectly, and 14% didn't know.
    LII
    that is what i was getting at. if there is an inescapable appropriation that is required in the act of understanding, this brings into question the validity of socionics in describing what is real, and hence stubborn contradictions that continue to plague me.

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    good topic. i can't stand the silent treatment. i hear some Fi valuing types here saying it's not "treatment" but to me it always feels like some sort of retaliation or punishment.

    my dad who is EII does this all the time. if he thinks you've done something to hurt him then he retreats with the silent treatment and sometimes won't really talk to you for like a year.

    i get that sometimes it's better to say nothing than to fly off the handle when you're not really prepared, but i respect the person a lot more if they at least tell me they're not ready to talk yet and don't want to say the wrong thing.

    for myself, i'd rather really mix it up with somebody than have no communication whatsoever.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariano Rajoy View Post
    And for your German friends, show them this: http://www.gallup.com/poll/3742/New-...ge-Levels.aspx

    These results are comparable to those found in Germany when a similar question was asked there in 1996; in response to that poll, 74% of Germans gave the correct answer, while 16% thought the sun revolved around the earth, and 10% said they didn't know. When the question was asked in Great Britain that same year, 67% answered correctly, 19% answered incorrectly, and 14% didn't know.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    If a Fi dominant isn't talking to you, it's not a game. They're not trying to make you feel a certain way or anything like that, they just don't want to talk to you. I could see how someone who sees things from a Fe perspective would think of this as "the silent treatment" though.
    This is what I refer to when I speak about silent treatment, btw.

    Kristiina's comment is off mark IMHO. There is nothing weak in not wanting to create a mess for a purely personal problem and-or something minor.

    my dad who is EII does this all the time. if he thinks you've done something to hurt him then he retreats with the silent treatment and sometimes won't really talk to you for like a year
    I do this too when I am angry. What people should understand is that it's a natural reaction. There is nothing purposeful in the way I give the silent treatment because the alternative would be to quarrel endlessly until I have gotten over it. Since I know I'll get over it more quickly without quarreling, then I prefer to be silent.
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    This is what I refer to when I speak about silent treatment, btw.

    Kristiina's comment is off mark IMHO. There is nothing weak in not wanting to create a mess for a purely personal problem and-or something minor.
    When I think of "the silent treatment" I generally think of someone who refuses to talk to another person because they're pissed and want to punish that person or want the person to feel bad or want to get their way. I generally see it as a means of emotional manipulation.

    Not wanting to talk to someone right now is just that... not wanting to talk to someone right now.

    Not wanting to cause unnecessary unpleasantness is just good sense, imo.

    Not wanting to cause unpleasantness and avoiding any potential conflict and as a result not addressing problems that really ought to be addressed in order to avoid future problems is just cowardly, imo.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    Not wanting to cause unpleasantness and avoiding any potential conflict and as a result not addressing problems that really ought to be addressed in order to avoid future problems is just cowardly, imo.
    Yeah, if it's a major problem, I agree. Otherwise, not. And the "Otherwise" situation is when I prefer not to say anything.

    By the way, I am definitely slightly coward in close relations. I absolutely dislike conflict in close relationships. Not confident enough in my ability to solve the issue and-or to make peace.
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    I'm sorta difficult in close relationships. Not so much these days though (not much to get upset about anymore ).
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    Yeah, if it's a major problem, I agree. Otherwise, not. And the "Otherwise" situation is when I prefer not to say anything.

    By the way, I am definitely slightly coward in close relations. I absolutely dislike conflict in close relationships. Not confident enough in my ability to solve the issue and-or to make peace.
    ahaha. god, you're speaking from my heart, fabie. that sounds a lot like me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    It's better for me to give silent treatment and let everything pass in a while rather than explode in anger, imho.
    but it's 100X more amusing when you explode!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariano Rajoy View Post
    And for your German friends, show them this: http://www.gallup.com/poll/3742/New-...ge-Levels.aspx

    These results are comparable to those found in Germany when a similar question was asked there in 1996; in response to that poll, 74% of Germans gave the correct answer, while 16% thought the sun revolved around the earth, and 10% said they didn't know. When the question was asked in Great Britain that same year, 67% answered correctly, 19% answered incorrectly, and 14% didn't know.

    I am definitely bookmarking this!
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    If I'm not talking to you, there could be a variety of reasons for that including I've forgotten, I'm busy, I don't know what to say, I have nothing to say, I don't know that I'm supposed to say something, I don't want to bother you, I don't want to be around you, I just don't feel like being communicative at the moment, etc... Often times it's a combination of those.

    If I'm not talking to you because I'm upset with you, even there there's a variety of possible reasons and motivations behind that, too. I could just be taking some time to calm down or sort through my own feelings and thoughts on the matter - that's probably the most common one and during those times I think I'm not always aware of whether or not I'm giving the "silent treatment." Or I could just find you distasteful and so talk to you as little as possible, avoiding contact.

    Sometimes, I admit, I do try for that sort of manipulative (I guess) silent treatment, where lack of verbal communication is actually just another form of communication where I'm telling you I disapprove of you. In those cases I think I just sort of expect that you'll figure it out - kind of a "You do have a conscience and a brain, right?" and if you don't seem to then you all the more deserve to be withdrawn from. As some have pointed out, though, that way of dealing with interpersonal problems is not always the best course of action in terms of repairing things.

    I guess, as some would say, in general it's Fe at the service of Fi. If I don't like you or am in the process of not liking you I won't express as much of myself to you. (Although, occasionally the reverse is true, too, where if I don't really care about you at all I won't have any qualms expressing whatever.)


    And @ J_E: !! What a situation! I'd probably react in a similar way, fwiw.
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    This thread reminds me of two past situations I've been in. The first one was an INFp friend I fell out with (I won't go into much detail in either of these situations). She was a coworker who (bearing in mind this is from my skewed and probably slightly biased perspective, so do take it with a pinch of salt darling, yes, jolly good show), in tandem with her SLE boyfriend, tried to manipulate the events of a rather petty situation to make me look bad (which worked until I spoke with my coworkers about it the next day, at which point her entire plan backfired). Basically there was a minor issue at work, which she wanted to blame me for and although I knew it wasn't my fault, for the sake of good relaitons I privately apologised to her via text message. Her boyfriend then text me back having a go at me and making me feel like the biggest cunt on earth. This sent me into a deep guilt trip/depression for a while, until I'd discussed it with some other coworkers the next morning and they were all on my side (one advantage of half your workforce being in the same quadra as you, but then again two of them who were also on my side were an SLE and an EII). At this point we became (in my mind at least) enemies for a while. And this is something that after much reflection, I have never been able to understand in my mind. I've never had a relationship like this before and I'd be surprised if I had another one in the future like it. While we were friends, I felt quite close to her, to (in retrospect) an unhealthy extent. Yet, when that tie was severed, I felt really relieved as though a great burden had been lifted off me. I felt free. It was almost as though I was glad we'd fallen out. I honestly don't understand this. Normally I hate to break relations with people unless I have a good reason to do so, but.. gah, I really don't know. Anyway, said INFp had taken the next few days off work, supposedly as she was ill (which we all thought was bogus) and before she came back, the manager who was off on holiday at the time came back one afternoon, so while she was there I'd informed her of the situation and all that. She'd agreed with my side of events and said she thought I was in the right (she's LIE if that has any significance whatsoever to this story). ANYWAY, this is where the story ties into the silent treatment bit. Basically, for the next couple of days or so, I avoided any non-work related contact with said IEI. I'll get onto my reasons for this after the next story (don't worry, it'll be much shorter than this one). Basically she'd then approached the LIE boss with her side of the story and told her she wanted to resolve the issue. The boss sent me an email explaining that the IEI (obviously not in those exact terms ) wanted to resolve this issue and asked me if I was willing to talk things over with the IEI, obviously with the boss in the room with us. Basically, from the way the LIE phrased things, most probably based on what the IEI told her, it sounded like she (the IEI) genuinely wanted to sort things out, so I'd agreed. Oh what a mistake. Basically, the way that conversation went, I felt like the IEI was turning things around again so it sounded like she was in the right and I was in the wrong. At the time I didn't really think about it, but when I was looking back on it later on, that burden which I'd felt lifted off of me returned again. I dunno, it's almost like I felt I'd lost, whatever that means. Argh. I noticed she was a lot more quiet towards me since then, which, despite her claims that it was all over, I honestly don't think it was. She was the sort of person who you could never know what she was really thinking. Argh. I'd love it if anyone could offer a reasonable explanation for my relationship between this particular IEI, it's confused me to no end.

    Right, sorry for the huge story there, but trust me, this is going somewhere. I'll bore what few of you are still reading with a short story which will have much less detail in it. I'll also explain through this story how this ties into the whole silent treatment thing as it's been called, at least how it manifests in me. This has only happened once and I hope it never happens again, but basically I had a.. not a quarrel as such, but.. let's just say a conflict with a close SEE friend. I almost wish it hadn't happened, but it's over now and there were no lasting consequences, but anyway. Basically, I won't go into detail but she'd said something to upset me which, due to the fact we were working in different offices (still the same building though) at the time, she wasn't aware of until she was leaving for the day. Anyway, as she was leaving she noticed something was up and in the way that she often does in this situation, she asked quite a few questions almost all at once, such as "What's wrong?" and "It isn't anything I've done is it?". Anyway, when she'd asked that last question, I said "What would you do if I said yes?". It's the first time I'd ever done this and even looking back on it now I feel regretful about it. Basically, she asked...hmm, I think "Anyway" and "Basically" are perhaps the most common words I seem to use to start a sentence...she asked what it was she'd done but.. I couldn't answer. There were things I wanted to say, but it's like I choked on them. And this is partly why I still feel regretful about it, because I could tell this was quite distressing for her. And I genuinely wanted to say something, but I just couldn't say anything directly about what it was. The best I could manage was asking her to think back to the time when she'd said what it was I'd taken offense to, but she couldn't remember. Anyway, eventually we'd agreed I'd put it in an email rather than keep holding her up like this. Eventually when I'd managed to calm down and gather my thoughts again, I was able to finally write a fairly long email explaining exactly what it was. Shortly after writing the email, I sent her a text message apologising for that.. encounter, shall we say, and said that I'd sent the email. She text back saying it was OK and she thought she'd remembered now what it was she'd said, and in turn apologised for offending me. When I got in the next day, she'd read the email and we talked it over. One thing she did say in the email towards the end of it was "Don't worry, I'm still your friend". I'm so glad she said that in the email because I know that if she hadn't, then later on I'd be worrying about whether she still considered me a friend or not. Like I said earlier, it's all fine between us now (I doubt she even remembers it anymore) but I still feel.. I dunno, almost ashamed.. no, not ashamed.. guilty perhaps, that I'd put her through that.

    Gah, sorry, I went on yet another monologue there. However, all of this definitely had a point. Basically, I know there's been some conflicting ideas of what defines "The Silent Treatment™" in this thread but, if I'm avoiding conflict or confrontation, it's not because I want to punish or hurt the other person; hell, it's usually quite the opposite. But.. to be completely frank, it scares me. I'm absolutely frightened of several things when it comes to conflict - namely how this will affect my relationship with that person (hence why I was so grateful that my SEE friend had said "Don't worry, I'm still your friend" in the email response - it was a very important piece of reassurance), but also I don't know how the conflict would go or what the consequences would be. I don't know if it will have a knock-on effect of causing other people to hate me for it, I don't know if things in general will turn against me for it. I'm just frightened of conflict, simple as that. It's even worse with friends since, like I mentioned earlier, I hate to break relations with people unless I have good reason to do so. Also, another thing which is somewhat related is why I couldn't talk to my SEE friend directly about what had upset me while she was there. Basically, although I make an effort never to show my true emotions, I still tend to be quite an emotional person. It just swims around inside of me beneath the surface. The thing is though, when I'm having an emotional moment (like I was on that day in the second story), I just can't handle being around other people. I think it's because I feel really vulnerable when I'm in that state and I have to be alone. And that's why I couldn't talk to my SEE friend at the time, because I was choking on that emotion. It was only when I was finally able to banish it to the void that I was able to get my thoughts together and compose an email, which itself took quite some time. Yes, it might look passive-agressive, but this isn't something I do out of choice. I'm just physically unable to get around this weakness - emotion defeats me, simple as that. No doubt I've probably angered several people with this post, so I think I'll wait a while before I re-visit it. An anxiety attack this close to bed time isn't something I'd welcome.

    EDIT: Something I thought I'd quickly add while I think of it. I'd like to point out that I've known several IEIs in life and the one I mentioned in the first story is the only one I've ever had any sort of problem with. Normally I get along rather well with IEIs, so it was just this individual who was problematic (not to mention her SLE slave...I mean boyfriend).
    Last edited by BLauritson; 03-03-2008 at 09:47 PM. Reason: Quick addition
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    Mariano Rajoy's Avatar
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    Blaurtison needs an award for that post alone. The blocks of text are intimidating. I feel abused.

    Argh!
    LII
    that is what i was getting at. if there is an inescapable appropriation that is required in the act of understanding, this brings into question the validity of socionics in describing what is real, and hence stubborn contradictions that continue to plague me.

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    You should nominate him for the "abusive blocks of text" award.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kioshi View Post
    Sometimes my niece gets really abusive. I take more from her than I would take from anyone else. But there are limits to what I will take before I just get up and walk out. Sometimes the situation is such that I don't have the option of leaving. In this case I simply stop responding to her.

    The onset is rather sudden. I don't give much warning. I just decide I've had enough and leave. Often she will grab me or try to block my path, begging me not to leave.

    I can't shut her out like most people. I can hear the desperation in her voice and see it in her eyes. Sometimes I feel I am being abusive. But if I allowed my resolve to weaken, then she would only learn to use her emotions as leverage. I refuse to be held hostage to her emotions.



    There is nothing to confront her about.

    Like her and her mother often get angry and vent with harsh words. A few minutes later it's like nothing happened. That's fine. It works for them. But I am not her mother. And I will not be treated in such a manner. If she chooses to vent on me or even around me, then she risks my leaving. It's that simple. And she knows it.


    Obviously my actions have some influence on her. I'm not going to deny that it effectively punishes her, makes her feel bad, and ultimately gets me my way. And of course her tears and pleading are not meant to influence me in any way.

    I don’t know what to say. Knowing when to walk out takes skill. And being able to walk out certainly does not weaken my position.
    This is a good example of teaching people how to treat you.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    This is a good example of teaching people how to treat you.
    Or rather, consciously teaching people how to treat you. (We all teach people how to treat us, after all, whether we're aware of it or not.)
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    I have been known to give the silent treatment to people. I only do so because I want an emotional reaction out of the other person. I want that person to shake me, use and say, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS!

    This was what basically led to the end of a relationship with an LII and I. I think some of you may remember my threads about him and my confusion to whether he was an ILI, SLI, or LII. He is most definitely LII. How could I have been so blind to that fact? Anyway, I won't go into the details of my being sure of his type - only that the intertype relation played out perfectly.

    His weak PoLR did not want to face any type of confrontation. In fact, he stated that he rarely even feels anger and I think he represses any type of forceful emotion. He has very Alpha values as well, which annoyed me along with the passivity.

    I began ignoring him because I wanted to see if he would realize that I was getting utterly bored of him - while not realizing at the time that this was because my Dual seeking function was his PoLR - but he did not react. He carried on with me as if we were fine, despite my obvious snubbing and such. I know it was a cruel thing to do, but I did not know how else to get "excitement" =S I know I created my own melodrama, but it was just so unfulfilling as a relationship to me.

    Normally, I would agree with the Beta NFs here who've said that the silent treatment is horrible. I love when people speak up and defend their viewpoints, opinions, etc. I think my giving him the silent treatment was a means of seeing if he would actually do that!

    I have gone off on a tangent like BLauritson, heh.


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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    Could it be that Fe types consider silent treatment as a purposeful action aimed at altering other people's emotional states, whereas Fi types consider silent treatment as an action that stems from their personal feelings towards the situation? This would explain the different attitudes shown towards the topic.
    Well done FDG. You and Joy seem to have hit the nail perfectly on the head. Silent treatment is not some type of manipulation that i deliberately use. Its more along the lines of "fuck what you said really annoyed / hurt me" and i dont even want to be around you anymore. If i think to myself "shall i talk to them again?" my Fi drops in and says "nope you're still quite pissed about it". Fi is the best solution to silence. When my ISFj mum goes silent i just say sorry and it lasts about 30 minutes (maximum).

    Sometimes its better not to say anything. If i spoke up about every little thing my dad does thats rude to me im pretty sure our relationship would be a lot more turbulent than it is now. For example if my dad said "your fat". If i tried to argue with him he might then say something like "well you're fat because you cant control your urges". Thats like a double attack. Its now gonna take twice as long for me to forgive him. Fi seems a lot more sensitive than Fe i think. Like my dads friend could say to him "come on you fat wanker lets go out" but if one of my friends said that to me i would think its some type of attack or uncessessary meanness.
    Last edited by meatburger; 03-04-2008 at 05:53 AM.
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    hmmm I wonder then, if you are using the silent treatment manipulatively, is that primarily use of Fe?

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    Quote Originally Posted by hellothere View Post
    hmmm I wonder then, if you are using the silent treatment manipulatively, is that primarily use of Fe?
    Probablly yeah a use of Fe to create the deliberate atmosphere of "you hurt my feelings", but i think Fi types are more likely to do this because they can be more sensitive.

    Im well versed in the ways of the silent treatment. If INFj or ISFj etc do it to me i practically always know why. Ive offended them in some way. Theres two ways out of it, try to use Fi which difuses the situation very quickly or let it blow over. Sometimes if INFj and i have had a majour argument is a mutual silence. We feel like the relationship has weakened a little but eventually it will be ok again. As an Fi dominant though im also very good at knowing if what im going to say hurts someones Fi. So if i hurt someones Fi is probablly because im being rude and deliberately mean.

    Fe types probablly hate it so they withdraw instead of trying to say sorry which is the response we need.
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  40. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettLux View Post
    I have been known to give the silent treatment to people. I only do so because I want an emotional reaction out of the other person. I want that person to shake me, use and say, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS!

    This was what basically led to the end of a relationship with an LII and I. I think some of you may remember my threads about him and my confusion to whether he was an ILI, SLI, or LII. He is most definitely LII. How could I have been so blind to that fact? Anyway, I won't go into the details of my being sure of his type - only that the intertype relation played out perfectly.

    His weak PoLR did not want to face any type of confrontation. In fact, he stated that he rarely even feels anger and I think he represses any type of forceful emotion. He has very Alpha values as well, which annoyed me along with the passivity.

    I began ignoring him because I wanted to see if he would realize that I was getting utterly bored of him - while not realizing at the time that this was because my Dual seeking function was his PoLR - but he did not react. He carried on with me as if we were fine, despite my obvious snubbing and such. I know it was a cruel thing to do, but I did not know how else to get "excitement" =S I know I created my own melodrama, but it was just so unfulfilling as a relationship to me.

    Normally, I would agree with the Beta NFs here who've said that the silent treatment is horrible. I love when people speak up and defend their viewpoints, opinions, etc. I think my giving him the silent treatment was a means of seeing if he would actually do that!

    I have gone off on a tangent like BLauritson, heh.
    Your post is logically contradictory.
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