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Thread: ENFPs and lack of loyalty

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    Dioklecian's Avatar
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    Default ENFPs and lack of loyalty

    It sems that ENFPs wonder a little too much in their loyalties in friendships alliances and romantic involvment. Its' some form of inconstancy, what kind excactly?
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    Jesus is the cruel sausage consentingadult's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dioklecian View Post
    It sems that ENFPs wonder a little too much in their loyalties in friendships alliances and romantic involvment. Its' some form of inconstancy, what kind excactly?
    This probably only applies to pathological ENFPs. What is happening here, is that many ENFPs have the habit of getting into relationships that at some stage they find out they don't want to be in. typically because their own needs are not being met. But more often than not, this is not consciously acknowledged, and the ENFp will start behaviors to avoid the relationships in a rather nasty, subconsciously driven way. E.g. passive/aggressive behaviors: arriving late at parties, dates or appointments, not following up on promises and commitments. Next thing they might feel guilty about it, and avoid their friends and commitments even more. What the pathological ENFp needs to learn, is to say to people they don't want to hang out with anymore: "I'm sorry, but I don't wanna hang out with you anymore" (of course in a more friendly way), and terminate the relationships in a more adult fashion, rather then letting it hang out in the open.

    Other types might do this too, but in the case of ENFPs the underlying problem is that often they feel responsible for the emotional well-being of other people, even when hanging out with the people in question is not good for them. They also need to learn that other people's emotional states are not their responsibility, learn to say, so to speak : "your problem is not my problem, you deal with it yourself!"

    In term of cognitive schemas, these are two of the underlying schemas that have to do with this issue:

    13. SELF-SACRIFICE (SS) (relates to extreme Fi)

    Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification. The most common reasons are: to prevent causing pain to others; to avoid guilt from feeling selfish; or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy . Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with concept of codependency.)

    14. APPROVAL-SEEKING / RECOGNITION-SEEKING (AS) (Relates to extreme Leading Ne/Mobilizing Te)

    Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations. Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement -- as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying; or in hypersensitivity to rejection.

    P.S. another solution to the problem is, of course, to restrict yourself to people with the same quadra values, in particular your dual. I hypothesize the main reason why ENFps like ISTps, is that ISTps satisfy the needs of ENFps, while at the same time not forcing their expectations on the ENFP. What happens all too often, is that other people 'force' their expectations on the ENFp, and the ENFp fulfills these expectations hoping to get something in return, but not explicitly asking for it, which ultimately causes resentment. Such a situation does not occur in ENFp-ISTp duality: the ISTp projects no expectations, which allows the ENFp the space to act from within his/her own intrinsic motivation.
    Last edited by consentingadult; 02-10-2008 at 10:19 AM. Reason: P.S. added
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