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Thread: How do you be socially fluent

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    Default How do you be socially fluent

    To be to the point, what do you look for, or what are you focusing on in that atmosphere?
    Is it just what you feel?
    Are you constantly reading others for their interaction? I'm not sure what you do.


    I was originally going to title this thread "how to use Fe properly", because, I don't care what you type you think I am, I am not good with it. I don't particularly like it, but apparently lots of other people do. And I want to learn more about it.

    In general, in certain group settings, I am lost.


    Again, I don't care if you disagree with where this comes from (in regard to my type) or not, just take the following quote at face value:
    The individual makes an effort to adapt to the prevailing emotional atmosphere, especially in group situations, and tries to promote a positive emotional environment, as in making positive or witty remarks, in the presence of individuals he is already somewhat acquainted with and appreciates. Such efforts, however, are normally low-key and of short duration; it is difficult for him to display emotions more complex or intense than enthusiasm. He is essentially unable to participate in a group atmosphere where intense emotional expression as in loud laughing and mutual jokes are prevailing. The individual makes an effort to be aware of the need not to disrupt the prevailing emotional atmosphere but he does not succeed for any length of time if that would clash with his inner emotional state and private feelings about the other persons present. A typical example is the person who, in a group of people exchanging pleasantries and casual conversation, will occasionally correct erroneous statements made by others, in a way that can be perceived as annoying, despite otherwise making an effort to abide by the prevailing emotional atmosphere.
    That is basically how I am. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I am left out of certain interactions in certain groups because of this, and I don't want to be. Not so much left out, but I wonder if it is being detrimental to my interactions with certain people, in one of my organizations, because I don't easily interact in those ways.

    This is not necessarily about , but, being socially smooth in a situation where there is a lot of Fe, or a lot of that kind of camaraderie.




    To be to the point, what do you look for, or what are you focusing on in that atmosphere?
    Is it just what you feel?
    Are you constantly reading others for their interaction? I'm not sure what you do.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    One problem is when I see people interacting in certain ways, making certain remarks, and discussing certain things.... it actually makes me angry. Strange, I know. It's like - what the hell are you doing! This is such bull-.

    I'm not sure how to act in those situations - where there is a sense of mutual exchanges, louder comments, things being said to make light of the situation.


    I wonder, other people who feel liked I do (if there are any), what do you do? I make light conversation when I can, but it is generally awkward.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    I've noticed something is that we're all kind of like mirrors. If you're affable and friendly, people will be the same way. I don't think anybody appreciates it you not trying and when they're doing all the work. I know people on here like to think that there's people out there that doesn't mind them being quiet listeners while they talk.... that's no excuse to be lazy or to not try at all in social situations.

    I used to think that I could like, be really quiet and make friends by having a louder person talk to me. Then I realized I'd much rather be friends with other quiet people....by taking the risk first to start a conversation with them and making them feeling really, really comfortable. I know that I'm a good person if I open up, so if I can get others to do the same...maybe we can get some good done. The people who do the most talking and don't have any problems tend to be really, really stupid anyway. It's no coincidence that the best minds can have crappy social skills.

    Just don't think so much about it and just say things. You don't ask to be socially intelligent...you just are through practice. It's one of those things you cannot learn by talking about it on a message board on how to do it. You simply need to practice it. I have social phobia, so I know all about this. Please listen to me.

    You do not have to turn into an obnoxious person with no tact. The fact that you don't know what you're doing will make you an even better socialite when it all comes down to it. Look at how many actors are shy and stuff... Just practice. It's one of those things you can't explain, you just gotta keep doing it until you're natural and comfortable.

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    I'll try to figure this out as I write. I am generally quiet in social situations... I think I am aware of the group emotional atmosphere, and I notice it change, and I know where it's going. This is just something I feel and am tuned into without effort. I am not very well socialized. I often do not know what to say to people, and sometimes don't have a desire to say anything. I'll sort of wander about towards things that seem more interesting to me for whatever reason. If I don't have some vested interest in being there, I'll get tired of it after a couple hours and leave. I often feel like everyone's playing a social game, and they're all wearing their masks, and I don't want to play the game. I try to find things that seem more real, so that it doesn't all seem so surreal. I don't usually become one with everything that is going on, I usually feel outside of it, watching it. That is when I'm sober.

    When I'm drunk, however, I am a lot less reserved, though still rather socially awkward. I can be quite emotionally expressive and effusive when I'm drunk, and will start morphing in with everything else (though still not completely... I'll still be partially outside of it). I generally become an affectionate drunk, and usually feel like I'm basking in my love for all humankind after drinking very little. I feel that way sometimes when I'm sober, but it's deeper down (away from the surface), and I don't usually express it. I don't think this is related really to my type (more to my "upbringing"), but the thing I'm always afraid to let people know is that I like, love, care, want, etc. them. I can't seem to reveal that. And that is the inhibition alcohol removes. It's sort of like that part of me is locked often times. It comes out in close relationships once trust is established, but otherwise I hide it (even from myself).

    The short answer is: I don't seem to know how to be socially fluent.

    Okay, that's weird. I edited my post and it didn't edit.

    The other thing I tend to do when drunk is reveal all of my hidden thoughts, which for some reason I have a hard time expressing when sober. lol.
    Last edited by inumbra; 01-29-2008 at 02:52 AM. Reason: again

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    Just don't think so much about it and just say things. You don't ask to be socially intelligent...you just are through practice. It's one of those things you cannot learn by talking about it on a message board on how to do it. You simply need to practice it. I have social phobia, so I know all about this. Please listen to me.
    That's good advice, and it is true IMO.

    I think a big thing this evening that I overlooked is that I am just out of sync (right now) with the people I'm refering to within that organizaiton. It is the first time I've seen them this semester.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Your DNA is mine. Mediator Kam's Avatar
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    Very true.

    I know it says SEI under there, but when I was younger, I was picked on by people a lot. No one wanted to listen to me, so I never talked much.
    I was what you called "someone socially inept."

    Then when I was freed from my oppresive elementary school, I realized that people wanted to talk to me, and I slowly through trial and error (maybe some help from ) I realized what people wanted to hear, what they responded to. (This was way before I heard of Socionics.)

    All you need to do is experiment with different modes of communication. I consider it an adventure, lol.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kamangir View Post
    Then when I was freed from my oppresive elementary school...

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    ...been here longer than the fucking monarchy Ezra's Avatar
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    If I notice someone is hostile to me for what I perceive to be no reason (they're probably Aristocratic, and don't like my aggressive, seemingly challenging tone), I'm polite and cordial towards them, and that solves 99.9% if not 100% of all problems I have with rude individuals. I rarely meet complete twats.

    I can see how some friendly people might react badly to my demeanour sometimes. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for a social front, so they take me to be a moody bastard. If I feel that vibe, I'll act a little more friendly towards them, without wasting too much energy on it.
    Ideas don't determine who's right. Power determines who's right. And I have the power. So I'm right.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ezra View Post
    If I notice someone is hostile to me for what I perceive to be no reason (they're probably Aristocratic, and don't like my aggressive, seemingly challenging tone), I'm polite and cordial towards them, and that solves 99.9% if not 100% of all problems I have with rude individuals. I rarely meet complete twats.

    I can see how some friendly people might react badly to my demeanour sometimes. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for a social front, so they take me to be a moody bastard. If I feel that vibe, I'll act a little more friendly towards them, without wasting too much energy on it.
    Wait, so if a person is actively hostile toward you then you try harder to be nice to them, but if a normally nice person just doesn't like the way you're behaving/treating them then you're only slightly more nice to them but not really? As in, if someone wants to be treated well by you then need to be mean to you first? I'm confused.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Minde View Post
    Wait, so if a person is actively hostile toward you then you try harder to be nice to them, but if a normally nice person just doesn't like the way you're behaving/treating them then you're only slightly more nice to them but not really? As in, if someone wants to be treated well by you then need to be mean to you first? I'm confused.
    No one said that. I think you're taking what he said way too literally. He was saying that if someone is hostile to you, then he tries harder to make them become friendly. But he's not in the mood, he won't exert much energy to make nice.
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    Treat other people as ends in themselves. If you try to be their friend with a sincere heart and with two eyes forward to what they hold dear, you'll rarely go wrong.

    If what they want is at a loggerheads to your own values...that is tougher. Only you can decide if someone is worth the effort. I find that they usually are, but there are exceptions to every rule.
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    If you like somebody then it will become natural to be friendly towards him. So, I'd say this can be a good criteria for discriminating between people you want to be socially fluent with, and people you don't want to. An harder situation would be one in which you like nobody. Well, in that case, I don't know what to say...
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    ...been here longer than the fucking monarchy Ezra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Minde View Post
    Wait, so if a person is actively hostile toward you then you try harder to be nice to them, but if a normally nice person just doesn't like the way you're behaving/treating them then you're only slightly more nice to them but not really? As in, if someone wants to be treated well by you then need to be mean to you first? I'm confused.
    Basically, I like to maintain pleasant relations with all. If I walk into a shop, and ask for something, and they reply rudely, I'll assume it's just because they've judged me. So I'll show them wrong by showing them that I am polite; I act cordially towards them. Nearly all if not all of the time, this works perfectly. It's as if they suddenly think to themselves "hey, this guy isn't so bad after all, even if he does look like a thug, or speak like a street urchin". At the same time, there will be days where I'm simply in a contemplative mood, and so I give little thought to my external appearance and verbalities. In this way, it might look as if I'm a grumpy bastard, and people seem to recoil at this. So I make the effort to speak in a more friendly tone. If I'm buying some food, and I've muttered grumpily "don't need the bag, cheers", and I sense a "well, sorry!" edge to them, I'll say "thanks", make eye contact and smile as I walk away.
    Ideas don't determine who's right. Power determines who's right. And I have the power. So I'm right.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ezra View Post
    Basically, I like to maintain pleasant relations with all. If I walk into a shop, and ask for something, and they reply rudely, I'll assume it's just because they've judged me. So I'll show them wrong by showing them that I am polite; I act cordially towards them. Nearly all if not all of the time, this works perfectly. It's as if they suddenly think to themselves "hey, this guy isn't so bad after all, even if he does look like a thug, or speak like a street urchin". At the same time, there will be days where I'm simply in a contemplative mood, and so I give little thought to my external appearance and verbalities. In this way, it might look as if I'm a grumpy bastard, and people seem to recoil at this. So I make the effort to speak in a more friendly tone. If I'm buying some food, and I've muttered grumpily "don't need the bag, cheers", and I sense a "well, sorry!" edge to them, I'll say "thanks", make eye contact and smile as I walk away.
    It took me to the age of 30 to figure this out!
    There have been at least two episodes when I was having a better-than-average day and somebody actually asked me if something was wrong because my outward demeanor was so stern/closed. So I've learned by practice and more practice to be a little more active in expressing approachability ... as simply as un-knitting my brows even though I'm engaged in thought or just smiling a little generic smile (unless reacting to something, I used to not smile!).
    Quote Originally Posted by Charles Bukowski
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ezra View Post
    Basically, I like to maintain pleasant relations with all.
    I haven't always seen this in you to be honest...lol. I'm glad you're like this in real life more so than the internet, I'm sure it actually matters more.
    Though, lately I have much less disdain for you so I guess you're coming around.

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    ...been here longer than the fucking monarchy Ezra's Avatar
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    That's interesting that you ever had disdain for me.

    I feel like Joy. Hated by all. A fair few of you have been saying how, since I've joined, you've appreciate my input much more when I've toned down. I myself really appreciate this from you all. It makes me realise what an aggressive person I am in life, and why a lot of people tend to stay away from me. I'm too forceful and aggressive. I've just started working out and running again in a bid to relieve some of my aggression, which builds up when I don't do anything for days. And I actually like people's company. I like people to like me. So it frustrates me when people harbour ill feelings against me, no matter how much I might try to hide it.
    Ideas don't determine who's right. Power determines who's right. And I have the power. So I'm right.

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    The Iniquitous inumbra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ezra View Post
    I feel like Joy. Hated by all.
    Ftr, I like you and I like Joy.

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    Not really related to what we're talking about ((maybe it is)) but in McDonald's the other day this one woman gave me a dirty look cause I asked for napkins. Like "bitch please I paid for my big macs already give me my damn napkins you cunt." Of course I didn't say that, I just kind of smiled at her as she gave me a paltry TWO napkins. Like, "want me to shove these up my ass and then smear them all over your face?" What am I supposed to do with just two napkins?

    Anyways my point is, if you're not interacting with people it might not necessarily be your own fault. To be honest, a lot of people in this world just aren't worth the oxygen anyway, and you're much better off alone. But still, it's very rare that you'll clash with EVERYONE in the group- so just keep on truckin.

    People used to get mad at me for not talking to them but I was all "Well when your ass says something interesting and worthy, maybe I'll join in the discussion. Otherwise keep your sorry yaps shut." But I tend to be a sucker for cute guys that are nice. Even if they are dumber than door knobs.

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