i am beginning to wonder if POLr hit + dual seeking hit is the worst combination of hits. or maybe it's this particular person i cannot tolerate anymore. or maybe this is about something different altogether. here's the scenario:
a few times in my life, i have been accused of forcing someone to feel something by virtue of my ill-expressed/chaotic/absent/ever-changing feelings. this is far worse than being accused of the feeling deficit alone.
the ISTj guy i know has managed to clobber me again by suggesting that i had/have feelings for him, have for quite some time, that he hasn't returned these feelings as i have expected him to, and that in the end, he considers that i have pressured him to have feelings for me....doesn't get much worse than this when it comes to dealing with people. i have never said these things to him, never been conscious of feeling them, so don't agree with the appraisal, but the fact that he believes this about me at this time reveals too many insecurities for me to proceed. he has a tendency to cause these dramatic arguments once in awhile (too often for my liking), then a few days later calms down and tries to see things a little more clearly. i have been too tolerant, which is another reason why i cannot stomach being accused of being forceful in any way.
the problem is that i have no defense. my feelings for him have been complicated as the relationship has been unstable over the years. as in most of my relationships, there have been periods of intimacy and periods of detachment, but with him, there have been an inordinate amount of periods of stress/tension. it is a surprise to me that we have salvaged any semblance of relationship at all. the friendship has "ended" many times on account of major misunderstanding of each other's motives.
the current dilemma is that if i say i have not had any feelings for him like he claims i have, it seems that i'm admitting to wasting a lot of time knowing him. i think that my HA makes it difficult to admit to having feelings OR to NOT having feelings for someone. i would rather leave it open-ended. if i say i have not intended to apply pressure, it does not matter to him because he assumes that people work this way -- that typical people get other people to feel things by strength of will combined with feeling. this is so not my style, but i can't convince him that it isn't.
i became argumentative, but froze, felt myself slowly losing the ability to talk about it without getting upset or losing my defense mid-sentence. being accused of exercising will over someone in an area i have little confidence in makes me compensate for not being capable, and never dreaming, of controlling someone in the emotional realm. so, suddenly i pronounce ultimatums. i become firm, too firm. i feign not caring, but it's obvious that i care enough to not be able to continue. i put up every wall at my disposal, but still end up shot. thus, i end up leaving little possibility of salvaging the relationship.
although i do not agree with his appraisal of our relationship, as i would never consider myself being capable or wanting to pull someone's emotional strings, these insults are still major. they affect my self-esteem, to be perfectly and pathetically honest. i feel foolish for trusting him on any level, and with him that often has simply meant being a bit spontaneous as i tend to be. he doesn't go for the unpredictability.
anyway, i cannot imagine making such an error, so refuse to try anymore to prove myself to him. what is this feeling, and why can this ISTj trigger it in me like no one else? it does not seem "ok" to be accused of feeling something strongly and willfully when the feelings are nebulous at best, and then to be accused of impacting his feelings...screw it. im just impulsive at times. the ISTj cannot handle this. i don't plan every second of my life like he does. i may act like i "like him" at times, from his perspective, but i have never intentionally done this with a plan to get him to like me or anything of the sort. sickening.
i feel a rant coming on, so i'll spare you any more details.