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Thread: How do you get an SLI/ISTp to do something?

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    Default How do you get an SLI/ISTp to do something?

    It's something (s)he wants to do. How do you get the idea that it's important to act now across without causing him/her to drag his/her feet even more?
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    You don't. If it's something they want to do, they'll do it whenever they feel like doing it. You trying to influence that will backfire, it'll always come off as trying to tell them what to do, which in turn will cause them to just shut down.

    Or you could list the reasons why they should do it, without trying to rush them.

    ISTp's is that accurate?

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    Yeah, in my experience, if there's a job I want my husband to do, if I push he holds off even more. Sometimes I just start trying to do it myself and he'll come and take over. But it has to generally be done on his timetable and I just have to be patient.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    Yeah, in my experience, if there's a job I want my husband to do, if I push he holds off even more. Sometimes I just start trying to do it myself and he'll come and take over. But it has to generally be done on his timetable and I just have to be patient.
    That's pretty much what I was going to say - look like you need help. That's my theoretical answer, anyway.
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    I actually disagree. I wouldn't say I enjoy people pushing me but, quite frankly, it's really the only way I get things done. Word it kindly and firmly. Explain the reasons why it's important to "act now" and i'll take the hint.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Minde View Post
    That's pretty much what I was going to say - look like you need help. That's my theoretical answer, anyway.
    Minde, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

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    I meant, I was going to quote and bold the exact same phrase and same almost the same thing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom
    Sometimes I just start trying to do it myself and he'll come and take over.
    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard
    I meant, I was going to quote and bold the exact same phrase and same almost the same thing.
    I figured the bolded would only work if the ISTp actually cared about the person doing the work, otherwise I figure the ISTp wouldn't care and just let the person do the work on their own. Is that the assumption being made? (That the ISTp actually cares about the person doing the work)

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    I meant, I was going to quote and bold the exact same phrase and same almost the same thing.
    I know.

    (I just thought I was being too silly for my own taste.)

    Quote Originally Posted by aut0 View Post
    I figured the bolded would only work if the ISTp actually cared about the person doing the work, otherwise I figure the ISTp wouldn't care and just let the person do the work on their own. Is that the assumption being made? (That the ISTp actually cares about the person doing the work)
    Yeah, I thought about saying something to that effect. The person needs to be worthy of helping in the ISTp's opinion.
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    Quote Originally Posted by aut0 View Post



    I figured the bolded would only work if the ISTp actually cared about the person doing the work, otherwise I figure the ISTp wouldn't care and just let the person do the work on their own. Is that the assumption being made? (That the ISTp actually cares about the person doing the work)
    Yes. Only if I care about the person, or the work.

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    kill him

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    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17 View Post
    kill him
    post-mortem activity is underrated.
    whenever the dog and i see each other we both stop where we are. we regard each other with a mixture of sadness and suspicion and then we feign indifference.

    Jerry, The Zoo Story by Edward Albee

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    lol...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Diana View Post
    That would totally suck. But I understand it doesn't for ENFps. Why doesn't it?
    i think 90% of things are not that important. Also as enfp's we realise that we dont always pull our weight. Were pretty thankful for what istps do already. that being said i just ask and they normally help.
    ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    It's something (s)he wants to do. How do you get the idea that it's important to act now across without causing him/her to drag his/her feet even more?
    It's something they want to do? Could you be less vague, please?

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    ...been here longer than the fucking monarchy Ezra's Avatar
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    You wait, Chuck Norris style.
    Ideas don't determine who's right. Power determines who's right. And I have the power. So I'm right.

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    Quote Originally Posted by meatburger View Post
    i think 90% of things are not that important. Also as enfp's we realise that we dont always pull our weight. Were pretty thankful for what istps do already. that being said i just ask and they normally help.
    Yeah, exactly. Most things aren't that important. Also, we live with each other but we don't control each other. He owns himself and I own myself. He gets to decide what he does and I get to decide what I do. If he chooses to help me with something, I'm thankful for that, and in the same way he doesn't assume I'll do something for him but if I do, he's thankful. Doing things for each other is how we show each other we love each other, and IMO it should be done out of love and not out of thinking you have a right to make other people do things.

    edited to add: I'm not sure what relationship Joy has with this ISTp - is it a brother? Anyway, if he or she does it, it'll be done out of caring or respect or something like that. It won't be done out of a sense of obligation - that'll just shut him or her down IMO.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    If you are their friend and they like you and respect your advice, they'll do things provided that you give logical reasons for doing them, or that you show appreciation/enthusiasm.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    I actually disagree. I wouldn't say I enjoy people pushing me but, quite frankly, it's really the only way I get things done. Word it kindly and firmly. Explain the reasons why it's important to "act now" and i'll take the hint.
    Are you sure you're SLI?

    Quote Originally Posted by Diana View Post
    That would totally suck. But I understand it doesn't for ENFps. Why doesn't it?
    lol that's exactly what I was thinking

    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17 View Post
    kill him
    thanks, peter

    Quote Originally Posted by reyn_til_runa View Post
    post-mortem activity is underrated.
    LOL

    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand View Post
    It's something they want to do? Could you be less vague, please?
    not really

    Quote Originally Posted by meatburger View Post
    i think 90% of things are not that important. Also as enfp's we realise that we dont always pull our weight. Were pretty thankful for what istps do already. that being said i just ask and they normally help.
    Hmmm, that's pretty much how I feel about the stuff peter does, though obviously the stuff he helps with (or reasons for helping) are different.

    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    Yeah, exactly. Most things aren't that important. Also, we live with each other but we don't control each other. He owns himself and I own myself. He gets to decide what he does and I get to decide what I do. If he chooses to help me with something, I'm thankful for that, and in the same way he doesn't assume I'll do something for him but if I do, he's thankful. Doing things for each other is how we show each other we love each other, and IMO it should be done out of love and not out of thinking you have a right to make other people do things.

    edited to add: I'm not sure what relationship Joy has with this ISTp - is it a brother? Anyway, if he or she does it, it'll be done out of caring or respect or something like that. It won't be done out of a sense of obligation - that'll just shut him or her down IMO.
    I can't really go into it, but this thread did give me a couple of ideas.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    Are you sure you're SLI?
    No, I'm an ESFP, I just feel like posting here.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    not really
    You're pointless.

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    I completely agree with everything Slacker Mom said. And the answer to the initial question is:
    Quote Originally Posted by aut0 View Post
    You don't.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    Yeah, exactly. Most things aren't that important. Also, we live with each other but we don't control each other. He owns himself and I own myself. He gets to decide what he does and I get to decide what I do. If he chooses to help me with something, I'm thankful for that, and in the same way he doesn't assume I'll do something for him but if I do, he's thankful. Doing things for each other is how we show each other we love each other, and IMO it should be done out of love and not out of thinking you have a right to make other people do things.
    You know what makes me REALLY sad? The fact that only VERY few people in my family/friends/colleagues circle can apprehend and/or accept (as normal) that way of living and functioning.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Winterpark View Post
    You know what makes me REALLY sad? The fact that only VERY few people in my family/friends/colleagues circle can apprehend and/or accept (as normal) that way of living and functioning.
    This is one of the areas where we have trouble with my parents. I don't try to make him go to family events. I don't force him to fix things for my parents if something breaks. I don't even make him do things for me. They feel like I let him walk all over me, but what they don't understand is that he doesn't force me to do anything for him either. If I don't feel good and don't want to make dinner, he's capable of making his own and he doesn't gripe about it. If he doesn't feel like fixing the sink, I at least try to fix it myself. Sometimes he takes pity on me and takes over, but if he doesn't I don't feel bad about it. We generally do take care of things for each other, but it's done for positive reasons (because we love each other and want to take care of each other) rather than negative reasons (obligation or fear of how the other person will react.)

    The one expectation he does have is that I put him first. Every so often, at the last minute, he'll want me to be with him instead of doing something with friends or family or whatever that I've planned. It doesn't matter what it is, it's more about me choosing to be with him rather than choosing to be with someone else. He just needs to know he's my favorite person to be with. Well, him and our daughter of course. That upsets my parents too because I've had to cancel plans with them at the last minute. This only comes up once or twice a year so I don't consider it a big deal. My parents hate it.

    I think my only real expectation of him is that he be there to "rescue" me when I get into trouble. If my car breaks down and I don't know what to do about it, I want him to leave whatever he's doing, even if it's work or something, and take care of it for me. I need to be able to count on that - that I'll never be alone in a crisis. So I guess that's my way of needing to know that I'm most important to him.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    think aut0 really nailed it in this thread.
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    It's funny 'cause I answered the question based on how I reacted when people tried to tell me what to do, I wanted to see if some of the SLI's here reacted the same way I did or completely differently. Hah.

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    I honestly cannot agree more with Slacker Mom.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    I actually disagree. I wouldn't say I enjoy people pushing me but, quite frankly, it's really the only way I get things done. Word it kindly and firmly. Explain the reasons why it's important to "act now" and i'll take the hint.
    This is what I would say too. I think the whole "I'll do it whenever I want" thing just doesn't work for some situations, or it can probably lead to nothing getting done. Someone like that is just not a team player. Not to mention that it's really stupid if someone is trying to give you a push towards something they know is good for you, and then you just shove it aside. There have been a few times where initially I try to reason in the kindest manner when they mope about something and become inactive and/or negative/pessimistic, and then I just lose my patience and get angry, which then causes the right effect.

    Also, looking like you need help shouldn't be. There's something in this picture that is completely wrong to me: you need help, so you act like you need it so that the other person (who is close to you) will help you, because asking them doesn't work... Maybe this is good for when someone asks for help but often doesn't really need it, but still, I think it's messed up. Unless that person is doing something important and whatnot, I would seriously say screw that, not worth my friendship.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sereno View Post
    This is what I would say too. I think the whole "I'll do it whenever I want" thing just doesn't work for some situations, or it can probably lead to nothing getting done. Someone like that is just not a team player. Not to mention that it's really stupid if someone is trying to give you a push towards something they know is good for you, and then you just shove it aside. There have been a few times where initially I try to reason in the kindest manner when they mope about something and become inactive and/or negative/pessimistic, and then I just lose my patience and get angry, which then causes the right effect.
    If say you were talking about a group project or something, yeah, then team work, etc. is important and moping around shouldn't be tolerated. But, if I'm trying to relax because I got all my work done and some lazy ass is trying to get me to do his work for him, then I'll be more than happy to tell them to fuck off.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sereno View Post
    Also, looking like you need help shouldn't be. There's something in this picture that is completely wrong to me: you need help, so you act like you need it so that the other person (who is close to you) will help you, because asking them doesn't work... Maybe this is good for when someone asks for help but often doesn't really need it, but still, I think it's messed up. Unless that person is doing something important and whatnot, I would seriously say screw that, not worth my friendship.
    For me, I really don't have any interest in helping random people. If you asked me for help and I said no, it means I don't like you and don't have any intention of ever helping you. This is pretty much what my ENFp roommate did to make me completely cut him off, within the first week of moving in together he tried to turn me into his personal butler, taking him shopping, driving him to class, tagging along everywhere I went, using all my things without asking, etc. He served absolutely zero purpose to me, but assumed I would do all these things for him since all his other friends did it for him.

    People seem to have a warped sense of "friendship". If you can't take care of your own life, you don't have anyone to blame but yourself.

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    Wow, that room mate sounds like a total fuck nut aut0. Dependent people constantly grate on me.
    "Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities..."

    - Voltaire

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sereno View Post
    Also, looking like you need help shouldn't be. There's something in this picture that is completely wrong to me: you need help, so you act like you need it so that the other person (who is close to you) will help you, because asking them doesn't work... Maybe this is good for when someone asks for help but often doesn't really need it, but still, I think it's messed up. Unless that person is doing something important and whatnot, I would seriously say screw that, not worth my friendship.
    For the record, that's not exactly what I meant when I said "look like you need help." I also said, "be worthy of helping." If you're just being lazy and don't really need the help, then you shouldn't have it and you aren't worth helping - or, rather, it would be more harmful than helpful in the long run to help you. Also, looking like you need help implies that you've already started trying to do it yourself. Meaning, you'll keep trying even if no one decides to help you.

    So, I'd guess that if you want an ISTp's help, show that you want whatever it is done by working on it yourself and make sure both you and the project have some value to them. Point blank asking would probably be good, too, to avoid confusion.
    INFj / EII / FiNe
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    Yeah. I dont want do speak for other ENFp's lol but i really couldn't give a shit half the time. If my sink breaks its not like the end of the world. I can do my dishes in the bathroom. If my shoes dont fit anymore and are falling apart, stiff shit i just still wear them. If my car breaks down i will catch the bus for a day or so. Its perhaps the P/J difference. Order means nothing to me.

    I also think ENFp's do try to be independent. We like the idea of it and solving problems. Take a look at the ESTj thread of me trying to get my car unbogged and now i have a broken hand lol. all because i didn't want to tell my istj dad.

    ISTP's arent dumb. If there is a big steaming cat dump on the floor and no ones home they will pick it up. If there is a broken sewage pipe spraying raw material in their living room they will help. Wont ya??

    And yeah minde is smart with the "look like you need help thing". ISTx's take tasks off my simply by watching my ballsing it up. Cutting chicken wrong? They just take the knife.
    ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)

    "And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin

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    Creepy-Diana

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    Yeah.. smells seem to effect me a lot :/
    "Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities..."

    - Voltaire

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    Wow, that room mate sounds like a total fuck nut aut0. Dependent people constantly grate on me.
    Yeah, it was really creepy. It's not bad now since the lines are drawn, I guess that's one of the positive things about living with someone from the same quadra, they know when to stop bugging you.

    And sorry to sound like I'm jumping on all ENFp's when I'm just ranting about one specific, immature, roommate who happens to be ENFp.

    If I honestly did consider someone a friend, I would help them if I thought they needed it. As an example, two weeks ago, my friend needed me to drop him off at the airport (the second time since his first flight was canceled too), I dropped him off and got on the highway to drive home and visit my family, 30 minutes later he calls to pick him up since his flight got canceled, except I had already spent 30 minutes driving on the highway, I turned around at the next exit without mentioning it to him and picked him up, dropped him home then got back on the highway again.

    I just don't have any tolerance or respect for people who get by by leeching off of everyone they know.
    Last edited by aut0; 01-21-2008 at 01:18 PM.

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    Being completely ignorant of everyone else's posts, I would have to say asking for advice and/or playing dumb. If it's something they know how to do, they pretty much do what they need to do at that point, especially if they give a damn about the person you are. Then times 2.
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    What nearly everyone said:

    Ask for help. Give reasons why this needs to be done. Give reasons why this needs to be done NOW.

    One thing I'd add is, be straightforward... but I'm not sure if this is universal, so what do the ISTps think? In my ISTp husband's family, there was a lot of indirect communication, expectations that were never verbalized but if you failed to guess at them then people would later savage you... lots of emotional pressure. So he's very, very appreciative of direct, straightforward communication. He'd rather hear a harsh truth than a politely "considerate" evasion. So even if I'd say stuff like

    "...we agreed to do this weeks ago. Eight weeks ago to be exact. I asked you and you said you'd tidy it up. A week later I reminded you and you said you'd do it. And again. And again. What are you, a bloody answerphone? If you don't get your arse over here and collect at least SOME of your f...ing tools right now, they'll be in the bin by tomorrow morning."

    ...he'd know where he's at, and he'd rather have that than a "...no, I'm OK. Really." (Resentful silence.) "Nono, it's no big deal. They're your tools, you need your tools. I mean, it's OK. I'm fine."

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    There is also another way, but you have to be their friend - they have to respect your intelligence: tell them that there is something which is very difficult or impossible to do, and they will generally get activated (of course, works only if what you refer to is really hard to do).
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    cunnilingus epilepsy inducer
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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    I actually disagree. I wouldn't say I enjoy people pushing me but, quite frankly, it's really the only way I get things done. Word it kindly and firmly. Explain the reasons why it's important to "act now" and i'll take the hint.
    Do this ^^

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