SLI and Relational/Emotional Talk

[Mechman]

Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?

I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved. And that's not to say that I don't feel empathy or sympathy, I just don't want to bring that stuff out. I prefer to stick to the problem at hand and work towards a solution.

Any of you guys relate?

[Pa3s]

I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved.

Yeah, this sounds exactly like I handle it if someone asks me about things related to relationships. I avoid the sentimentality, but it's okay to talk about it in a factual way. That doesn't happen often, but I offered my advice/opinion to someone else a few days ago.

[Mechman]

Yeah, this sounds exactly like I handle it if someone asks me about things related to relationships. I avoid the sentimentality, but it's okay to talk about it in a factual way. That doesn't happen often, but I offered my advice/opinion to someone else a few days ago.

Y'know, I think for me, it comes down to wanting to help people who have been through crap I've been through myself. Edit: (Moreso than just relational/emotional issues in general, on second thought.) Can you relate to wanting to help people who are dealing with issues you've dealt with in the past?

Also, how willing are you to help the people you care about, like family, girlfriend, best friends, etc.?

[Pa3s]

Can you relate to wanting to help people who are dealing with issues you've dealt with in the past?

If think of the way I generally act, I do tell people about the stuff that was difficult/bothersome to me and how I dealt with it, regardless of the issue discussed. That means I would also stress the difficulties and the possible solutions if I explained how to clean a carburetor or something like that. I don't want other people to make the same mistakes and I'm usually glad I can help them.

EDIT: There were people who responded "Thanks, dad", implying that I lectured them.

Also, how willing are you to help the people you care about, like family, girlfriend, best friends, etc.?

Well, they have priority. I'm more willing to talk about something which seems unpleasant to me (but is important to the other person) with a family member or a close friend than with a random person or acquaintance.

[fen]

Well, fwiw, I'm averse to people expressing sympathy. I never want sympathy...that doesn't help anything ever. Advice from someone who I think is trustworthy and has experience of some sort calms me and when someone is telling me things like "Oh, I'm SO SORRY about XYZ" I just stand there and hope they have advice to give.

[Mechman]

Do you have a sister?

Nope. Only child.

[Cyrano]

I always drift into trying to solve the problem...never works. Best to leave the emotional healing to the Fps.

[force my hand]

Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?

I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved. And that's not to say that I don't feel empathy or sympathy, I just don't want to bring that stuff out. I prefer to stick to the problem at hand and work towards a solution.

Any of you guys relate?

Yep, I think I do.

I've learned it can be a problem simply to (try to) solve problems, however. I've achieved far more success by exaggerating Fe and asking leading questions.

[ashlesha]

I've learned it can be a problem simply to (try to) solve problems, however. I've achieved far more success by exaggerating Fe and asking leading questions.

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[force my hand]

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Haha, what??

[Absurd]

Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?

I've found recently that I actually enjoy helping people with emotional/relational issues, but only in a practical sense and only if we talk about them in a businesslike fashion, meaning there aren't any heavy emotional displays and we stick to the facts. We just work through the issue like its a problem needing to be solved. And that's not to say that I don't feel empathy or sympathy, I just don't want to bring that stuff out. I prefer to stick to the problem at hand and work towards a solution.

Any of you guys relate?

Going to bite.

Do not talk about them and I'm not really very emotional to begin with, I think. Usually it annoys me when I have to listen to some person I do not know nor have anything in common about "relationships" for it is mostly talk and problems they have brought on themselves in the first place. I mean, it is my time.

Situation changes knowing it is someone close to me, someone I care about. Sure, I can workout something, then. Oh and I do not offer unsolicited advice, so when you actually have a problem, come out and say it.

[ashlesha]

Haha, what??

if you can try to help solve a problem it seems like a waste to throw that away. when all i get is "awww"-ness i tend to assume the person just doesn't know anything useful to say, lol. and if the package the sympathy is in is really expressive and emotional i not only have the lack of practical input but on top of that i have the pressure to respond in a reciprocal way which is even worse.

i don't think anyone wants to have advice shoved down their throat but having some sense of solid ground and something useful to take away from talking about it is what i find most emotionally satisfying about talking with someone about a problem. sticking to the facts is fantastic.

[force my hand]

if you can try to help solve a problem it seems like a waste to throw that away. when all i get is "awww"-ness i tend to assume the person just doesn't know anything useful to say, lol. and if the package the sympathy is in is really expressive and emotional i not only have the lack of practical input but on top of that i have the pressure to respond in a reciprocal way which is even worse.

i don't think anyone wants to have advice shoved down their throat but having some sense of solid ground and something useful to take away from talking about it is what i find most emotionally satisfying about talking with someone about a problem. sticking to the facts is fantastic.

Very good points! There's very little in there, if anything, with which I would disagree.

Perhaps the best approach is to first offer sympathy, and communicate it in such a way that the person feels they've had their 'day in court'. Then, perhaps follow it up with a brass-tacks discussion of the problem, assuming, of course, you're the type of person willing and able to offer a reasonable solution.

You may not be, but worst case scenario, you will probably end up empathizing to some extent, which is perfect for close(r) relationships.

[Galen]

One night over dinner I talked with a good ISTp friend about the personal issues he was facing. We went through his issues in a method more rational than not, but not so much that we were both divorced from each other's experiences. He seemed fairly eager to explain his emotional standpoint on the situation, but not so much actively demonstrate his feelings to me. He seemed very honest and forthcoming about himself, so there was no need for him to go "LOOK AT HOW SAD I AM." He did seem to have much more at stake then "just trying to fix a problem;" sure he wasn't maudlin about it, but I could tell that the issue was eating him up. He's not a particularly business-oriented person to begin, much more wanting to look at things positively; perhaps to a detriment, as he seems to have trouble acknowledging that a problem exists, instead just laughing things off. Regardless, he's much more able and wanting to relate to others on a personal level than I think most ISTps are written as being, likely because he's Sx first.

[Pa3s]

He seemed fairly eager to explain his emotional standpoint on the situation, but not so much actively demonstrate his feelings to me.

Yeah, the ability to express feelings should not be confused with understanding them. I mean that some people can fully comprehend their feelings and what caused them (sometimes also those of others), but they might still be unable to express them unambiguously and therefore look like they have no idea about their feelings to other people.

[Absurd]

Anyhow, aren't you E2, killing machine?

Disregard that and kill me, but I'm just asking.

[Gilly]

Lol compulsive advice giving...I had to learn how to "just listen," when people tell me about their problems I guess some deep part of me assumes they want a solution...which is not always the case...

[Park]

I avoid discussions about relationships/emotions with people I don't feel comfortable around. Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere, I do have an ever recurring urge to express my feelings, mainly through forms of art and acts of service. There's also the inner desire to be able to open up and confide to someone from time to time, and this is an extremely delicate issue for me as I have trouble trusting people. Solid confidentiality and loyalty are hard to find. And I think I'm way past the stage of idealizing certain people and relying on their support and guidance.


p.s. Sorry for the self-centered, 1st person perspective; I'm a heavy introvert. Perhaps I should add that I'm cool with listening to people and trying to help, as long as they don't expect me to show sentimentality and are willing to take a serious, down-to-earth approach. But if your idea is to just vent until you pass all of your negative emotions over to me so you can feel better, or you want to manipulate and stir me to act in a certain direction convenient to you, you should seriously fuck off.

[jessica129]

Do you guys avoid tend to avoid discussions about relationships/emotions or are you cool with them as long as they are talked about in a businesslike tone?

If I really care about someone, I thinks it's sort of necessary for me to get out how I feel about them but like you said, it's done in a very business-like, straightforward this-is-how-it-is sort of way and almost always has to be on my terms. If someone pushes me for it and is in my face about it, aw hell no. I get very irritated and defensive.

[Park]

If someone pushes me for it and is in my face about it, aw hell no. I get very irritated and defensive.

+1

[Eliza Thomason]

I avoid discussions about relationships/emotions with people I don't feel comfortable around. Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere, I do have an ever recurring urge to express my feelings, mainly through forms of art and acts of service. There's also the inner desire to be able to open up and confide to someone from time to time, and this is an extremely delicate issue for me as I have trouble trusting people. Solid confidentiality and loyalty are hard to find. And I think I'm way past the stage of idealizing certain people and relying on their support and guidance.


p.s. Sorry for the self-centered, 1st person perspective; I'm a heavy introvert. Perhaps I should add that I'm cool with listening to people and trying to help, as long as they don't expect me to show sentimentality and are willing to take a serious, down-to-earth approach. But if your idea is to just vent until you pass all of your negative emotions over to me so you can feel better, or you want to manipulate and stir me to act in a certain direction convenient to you, you should seriously fuck off.

This is a very interesting SLI perspective and I appreciate it a lot. The " Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere..." - that is particularly helpful to me as I am about to drop a bomb on my SLI and what you said assures me he is probably going to get it. I might post it here on Delta. It helps me to share these things.

[Beautiful sky]

This is a very interesting SLI perspective and I appreciate it a lot. The " Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere..." - that is particularly helpful to me as I am about to drop a bomb on my SLI and what you said assures me he is probably going to get it. I might post it here on Delta. It helps me to share these things.

What kind of a bomb? LOL
I'm assuming you're going to go off on him for something or another. Just don't try to hurt them.

[Beautiful sky]

I avoid discussions about relationships/emotions with people I don't feel comfortable around. Sappy, overly-emotional people I see as imposing/bothersome and generally try to avoid, or make it clear I'm not going to reciprocate in spontaneous emotion sharing. And while I resent that kind of overt "heart on sleeve" atmosphere, I do have an ever recurring urge to express my feelings, mainly through forms of art and acts of service. There's also the inner desire to be able to open up and confide to someone from time to time, and this is an extremely delicate issue for me as I have trouble trusting people. Solid confidentiality and loyalty are hard to find. And I think I'm way past the stage of idealizing certain people and relying on their support and guidance.


p.s. Sorry for the self-centered, 1st person perspective; I'm a heavy introvert. Perhaps I should add that I'm cool with listening to people and trying to help, as long as they don't expect me to show sentimentality and are willing to take a serious, down-to-earth approach. But if your idea is to just vent until you pass all of your negative emotions over to me so you can feel better, or you want to manipulate and stir me to act in a certain direction convenient to you, you should seriously fuck off.

This is the reason why my LSE dual cousin and her SLI husband don't get along. She cries and gets sappy and I'm there and I don't avoid these things; I share those emotions with her and comfort her. He can't stand it and just avoids her and walks away. I find that quite unkind. At least he's adult enough to realize and maybe hug her or show some gesture of compassion.

[Eliza Thomason]

What kind of a bomb? LOL
I'm assuming you're going to go off on him for something or another. Just don't try to hurt them.

No - I can't think of any time I ever "went off" on anyone. Must have been some time but I cannot recall. Its not my way. It took me awhile but i wrote it in a thread and I look forward to your comment! But I must get to bed. I am getting up early to take my IEE sis-in-law good friend to her college to get comfortable before classes start next week. She is nervous. Yet with this on her mind she took time today to listen and give me helpful feedback. I can tend to be bad about making boundaries; and she is my go-to person when I perceive I need help in that department...

[Beautiful sky]

No - I can't think of any time I ever "went off" on anyone. Must have been some time but I cannot recall. Its not my way. It took me awhile but i wrote it in a thread and I look forward to your comment! But I must get to bed. I am getting up early to take my IEE sis-in-law good friend to her college to get comfortable before classes start next week. She is nervous. Yet with this on her mind she took time today to listen and give me helpful feedback. I can tend to be bad about making boundaries; and she is my go-to person when I perceive I need help in that department...

I should have known; we're kinda gentle in that regard.