IEIs/INFps and not responding, Ip temperament issues

[Ms. Kensington]

Basically I’ve had more of an Ixxp response problem from IEIs than SEIs. Say you’re being asked out on a date or else to a friendly outing. I’ve known a few INFps whom I *know* like me and have been my friends for years, yet fail to respond. I have to badger them for weeks before they will respond, and we end up having a great time, etc.

My question for you is this: What have you found works on you in this regard….I assume calling is better than email, but let’s assume that you’re receiving emails from a friend who wants to meet up with you. What’s the best way to get you to respond?

Heh

actually.. one thing that has changed since learning socionics is that im not hesitant anymore to keep insisting or asking that they go with me somewhere. I would normally take a more "do you want to go" and them saying "i dont know" to mean they dont want to go and leave it at that. Now i think its no necessarily the case that you dont want to go if yousay that.

[marooned]

This probably wouldn't work on everyone, but often what has worked best with me is when people just show up at my place, and say "wanna do something?" Since I have a problem with immediacy, that tends to get rid of that problem and I'm not putting it off anymore. Of course, the problem is knowing if you know the person well enough to do that or if they would be comfortable with it (I mean if some person I hardly know showed up, I'd feel very uncomfortable and get rid of them the best I could). The other thing that's worked is calling me (assuming I answer my phone) and picking a time. Once a time is set I can commit to it. My problem with seeing people (not just dates, anyone) who I like seeing is that I put it off (as I put everything off). It's not that I don't care about them or don't want to see them, it's that I just seem to settle into these states of sedentary nothing. And I can generally always find something to amuse myself with when I'm alone, that I can immerse myself in, and spend hours doing. It's not really fair for others to have to initiate so much of the time, and I've been trying to work on this. Also, my tendency to apparently want to be a hermit a lot of the time *really* doesn't help matters.

[Megan]

This probably wouldn't work on everyone, but often what has worked best with me is when people just show up at my place, and say "wanna do something?"

I did not think anyone would really like that much, good thing I read this. I am hardly likely to just show up at someone's place and if anyone just showed up at my place I usually ignore them until they get the message not to do it again. I need to prepare both ways.

[marooned]

I did not think anyone would really like that much, good thing I read this. I am hardly likely to just show up at someone's place and if anyone just showed up at my place I usually ignore them until they get the message not to do it again. I need to prepare both ways.

Yeah... it only works with a select few, you know, trusted people...

[Megan]

Yeah... it only works with a select few, you know, trusted people...

yeah, only trusted people .

[Blaze]

This probably wouldn't work on everyone, but often what has worked best with me is when people just show up at my place, and say "wanna do something?" Since I have a problem with immediacy, that tends to get rid of that problem and I'm not putting it off anymore. Of course, the problem is knowing if you know the person well enough to do that or if they would be comfortable with it (I mean if some person I hardly know showed up, I'd feel very uncomfortable and get rid of them the best I could). The other thing that's worked is calling me (assuming I answer my phone) and picking a time. Once a time is set I can commit to it. My problem with seeing people (not just dates, anyone) who I like seeing is that I put it off (as I put everything off). It's not that I don't care about them or don't want to see them, it's that I just seem to settle into these states of sedentary nothing. And I can generally always find something to amuse myself with when I'm alone, that I can immerse myself in, and spend hours doing. It's not really fair for others to have to initiate so much of the time, and I've been trying to work on this. Also, my tendency to apparently want to be a hermit a lot of the time *really* doesn't help matters.

i'm kinda spontaneous like this too and would like it if most people were like this but alas they are not. sometimes, with my friends, i'll call and say i'm 5 minutes from your house whattya doin? can i come over? hahaha the cool ones say sure.

but you know some people just can't live life this way, they gotta have a plan and don't like surprises like you just poppin in on 'em.

[tiny_dancer]

haha - my ENTp girlfriend does the same thing! I think it's cool - I love surprise visits. This thread does help me out too with an INFp friend. I probably won't show up at her doorstep, but at least it lets me know that when I send her random e-mails and she doesn't reply, it has nothing to do with me. Her job is really busy and stressful and she says she just doesn't have the energy to do anything after work.

[aka-kitsune]

Basically I’ve had more of an Ixxp response problem from IEIs than SEIs. Say you’re being asked out on a date or else to a friendly outing. I’ve known a few INFps whom I *know* like me and have been my friends for years, yet fail to respond. I have to badger them for weeks before they will respond, and we end up having a great time, etc.

My question for you is this: What have you found works on you in this regard….I assume calling is better than email, but let’s assume that you’re receiving emails from a friend who wants to meet up with you. What’s the best way to get you to respond?

Hmmm. Trying to think of an occasion where I refuse to respond... Usually if I don't respond, it's only because I'm uncomfortable. Last year there was this older guy in my theatre company who kept trying to ask me to "outings". I didn't want to encourage his interest, because I perceived it was more than just friendly. So, I avoided response entirely.

There are times where I like someone but don't feel a "comfort zone" with them, so I'll generally delay response (owing to my ambivalence). Also, there are times where I'm wrapped up in my own neuroses and really don't feel like inflicting my emotional state on friends. I'll cocoon for a while.

Email or calling is equally valid for me, although I tend to feel calling is more personal.

[sigma]

I don't know if this is a IEI thing but I think I have "low inertia, low energy"
That means that if you take the time/energy to move me, I will move easily (low inertia) but if you expect me to move... chances are that the low energy will kick in and prevent me.

So if a friend comes to my door and I'm not in the mood to go out I might say "I'm too tired" but if they are like "Come on!"... I'll give in very easily, even if I am tired.

Another way to move me is to emphasis importance, or being needed. I've had a friend calling me at 2 AM and asking me to come half way through the city to meet him. I went.... several times... even if most of the time I found him drunk in a pub and there was no real urgency.

[redbaron]

I don't think I would ever not answer an email unless it was from someone I didn't like. I'm generally very keen on going out with friends as much as possible (since I'm a stay-at-home-mom I don't have a huge social life) but I rarely initiate. When I do, it's because I really need it (I have something specific I want to talk about or I'm really feeing lonely or bored). I do reply to emails but the phone is more immediate, yes. (I hate talking on the phone though) I wish I had more friends who would just ask me out of the blue to do something fun. Unfortunately, most of them have kids too and are even busier than I am.

[mustachio]

this is interesting. as IEI, i find that it's easier to ignore calls or emails coming from people i know very well. when it's from acquaintances, i find myself being unable to totally ignore them as i may be surprised that they put the effort into contacting me. as such, i usually answer the phone or reply to their email. of course, it isn't a given that i'll actually accept going out with them. then again, i am a guy so i usually don't say no. unless the girl is not my type at all (meaning she's too ugly to look at).

my best advice to you Ms. K. would be to physically confront them somewhere you're sure to meet. tell them you are taking them out and not taking no for an answer. do it with a big bright smile on your face. don't become aggressive but remain adamant. they won't be able to say no. if they indeed like you, they're probably waiting for you to do this for them.

[mustachio]

wait, since when are you IEI?

since last week. i discovered a few things about myself which have prompted me to come out of the closet so to speak. i'm really confident about this retyping.

[ScarlettLux]

Funny how I really don't relate to the IEI responses at all. It made me reevaluate my switch to IEI - thanks thread! But yeah ... my IEI friends are usually very similar to this ... they are extremely wishy-washy whenever I ask them to do something, and usually need a big push to get them going. I think you just gotta bring out the big guns with them ! That means folks

[Ms. Kensington]

It made me reevaluate my switch to IEI - thanks thread!

lol

i have to admit your response does seem a little stronger than an IEI response.

what about in the case where you havent spoken to them in a long time? Im concerned about a case where you're not sure how the iei feels about you. (though i have had this problem with my longtime iei friends as well). How would you start initial contact? Is it possible at ALL through non physical means? Maybe havea friend arrange it? I would use sigma's weakness usually but with friends i know well and have seen..

[sigma]

lol
I would use sigma's weakness usually but with friends i know well and have seen..

That weakness is present only in the context of "friend duty". I perceive it as a duty to be there for my friends. Other people don't get access to that softer part

[aka-kitsune]

what about in the case where you havent spoken to them in a long time? Im concerned about a case where you're not sure how the iei feels about you. (though i have had this problem with my longtime iei friends as well). How would you start initial contact? Is it possible at ALL through non physical means? Maybe havea friend arrange it? I would use sigma's weakness usually but with friends i know well and have seen..

My feelings about someone I like are really rather stable. Even not seeing or speaking to them in a long while doesn't really change that. After a while, though, I may begin to think they don't care enough to stay in contact. I generally try to shoot an email or call across the bow occasionally. If I receive no response/return contact after a few efforts, I won't be too persistent. I hate the notion that I'm bothering someone and they're "too busy" for me. I do need reassurance that I'm wanted.

I'm really quite a "quality time" person... any efforts by a friend to stay in touch or engage me personally are usually highly cherished.

[redbaron]

OOOOOOoooooh I just thought of exactly what you need!

1) For your initial contact, write them an email and tell them how much you've missed them because they're different than everyone else. For example: You're funnier/nicer/a better listener/more fullfilling to hang out with/more fullfulling to have conversations with/have a flavor that no one else has......etc. Basically tell them why you prefer their company over everyone else's. They'll be so flattered that someone actually noticed!

2) Don't go overboard with the compliments, make the rest of your email normal and stuff, and then insert one really nice one. An email is perfect for this kind of thing because they won't be pressured to respond and won't be embarassed (like if you said it in real life) but it will give them time to mull this over in their head and then respond.

3) If they reply, THEN ask them if they want to hang out.

4) If they don't reply, don't give up, just follow up your email with a call asking "Hey lets go hang out on Sat at blah blah time place."

5) Don't mention your email or compliment in real life unless they bring it up, it gives it greater weight and they will be just soooooo flattered that you secretly prefer them over everyone else. They'll adore you. They'll do ANYTHING for you, because now they will put great stock in the fact that you're actually noticing all the self-sacrificing things they're doing to get your attention/approval. So they'll do even more!

6) Be sure to reassure them when they're doing a whole bunch of nice things for you that you just love it. Otherwise they'll worry that they're smothering you. Or they might withdraw if you're cold and unnoticing, because they're giving you their beating heart, their true feelings, and they love you so much they wonder if it's wrong to put so much trust in a fallible human.

And THAT my friend is the way to wrap an INFp around your finger. -grin-

LOL You're so cute, dolphin!

[redbaron]

Hahaha, I love it when people say stuff like that. Like "You think I'm cute? Reeeeaaally? I'll do anything for you if there's the slightest chance that you'll say it again!!"

But you have to tell me, is it true for you too? Is it true for other INFps?

Sure it's true! Most definitely.

[sigma]

But you have to tell me, is it true for you too? Is it true for other INFps?

Actually what you've written was like soooo wrong when it comes to my way of being handled.

soo wrong. that is with the exception of point 1. and 2. and I guess 3 works all the time and for sure 4. describes what I want. As for 5. and 6 they are like so right. but the rest is wrong wrong wrong.

[Ms. Kensington]

Actually what you've written was like soooo wrong when it comes to my way of being handled.

soo wrong. that is with the exception of point 1. and 2. and I guess 3 works all the time and for sure 4. describes what I want. As for 5. and 6 they are like so right. but the rest is wrong wrong wrong.

balancing 6) and 2) is hard though..