I have been trying to figure out my type for some time. After reading through some other posts here on the boards I have decided the best way to get a response is to describe what my day is like. This might be considered long to you. If you can relate to any of it then say so, and also please mention your supposed type. I am looking for external patterns in types which correlate with internal thought patterns. I'd like to test it out.
I wake up, and get out of bed. I contemplate over the dream I have. Why did I dream about that? What did that dream mean? I probably wouldn't dream so much if I stopped sleeping in. These dreams I have are so strange. Does anyone else dream like this? Maybe I should tell someone about my dream and see if they can relate to it. Nah, they will just think I'm stupid or weird. Dream interpretation is for whackos, right? I better go get my tea. I better use the bathroom first. I do this every year in the winter. I sit down in front of this same heater and I turn it on. I'm not even cold, but the heat never bothers me. It makes me feel safe. I look over into the mirror beside me and I study my face. Am I attractive to other people? I seem attractive to myself sometimes. I can't really speak for anyone else.
I wonder why I always end up back here, looking at myself in mirrors and rediscovering that I am my best, and perhaps, only friend. I magine potential scenarios which I might be involved in and my responses to them. I laugh and joke with myself, and I look over into the mirror to see that I'm happy. I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I wonder which direction I'm really going in. I seem to know, but I still question it. I wonder why I think about myself so much? I've always thought about myself too much. In fact, I only ever seem to be interested in anything when I can somehow relate it to being about me. Me, me, me. I remember in gradeschool I had the letters M and E on my backpack. I displayed them proudly. I must've seemed like such an egotist. Maybe I didn't, maybe they just thought I was a child who didn't know anything. I never can tell what people think of me. I need to go get my tea. What time is it? I stayed in there for 30 minutes alone in front of a heater thinking about myself. I feel like such an egotist. This tea is good. The same routine every morning..., almost.
My Dad's in the kitchen. What is he doing? He's always busy doing something. Oh, he's complaining about something else now. He never seems happy these days. It is upsetting sometimes. I have school. I wonder why it doesn't seem to matter to me that I do. I have to motivate myself just to get up and get ready. I missed my shower again. I wonder if other people think that I stink. I do miss showers sometimes. Sometimes I even wear the same jeans all week. I wonder if anyone notices? I used to go so long without showering as a kid. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends. Maybe I just need friends with a poorly developed sense of smell. That way they wont care what I smell like. Why do I even try? People don't seem to understand me at all. In fact, I am constantly being misunderstood by people and having to develop and infinite amount of patience or disregard when dealing with them, because they cannot understand how I think.
Sometimes I think I must be a mutantation of evolution, that somehow I am vastly different from everyone else. However, I never have this idea until someone comments and tells me I'm wrong or stupid. I've been told I'm strange all my life. People don't like me much at all, but I think that is because I challenge their ideas and popular beliefs so often. I love discovering new ideas that from my perspective are so much more evolved than societies or anyone else's. I love to live in my own world. Sometimes I think I'm a genius. In fact, the ideas I have are not common at all. They are not things people simply buy into because a person of 'authority' tells them it is that way. I never did trust the validity of what my teachers said. This explains why I was constantly arguing with them. Oh darn, I'm almost late for class again. I've got to get going. I hate driving. The sky is beautiful today, though. The blueness of it all overwhelms me at times. I can see why it's my favorite color.
Today the clouds are drawn overhead like a thin blanket that is variably transparent. I love it. I look to the right and see birds in the lakes on my drive to campus. It makes the ride seem less annoying. I would much prefer walking if I didn't live so far from campus. I hate driving. It doesn't give me enough time to think. In the moments I walk from class to class on campus I am just so releived to get fresh air and be away from so many people that I forget to think of anything at all. I just focus on the trees or whatever dazzling thing distracts me. Oh look, it's that brick again. Why is that the only brick with numbers engraved in it? It's at the center of the building. What does it mean? Maybe it's just a marker for them to more easily count bricks. Maybe it's the jest of some brick layer to center it so perfectly. I can only imagine why this brick is here and what it's purpose is. Speaking of purpose, I wonder what mine is.
There are so many people here on campus. I prefer looking at the ground than at their faces. When I look at women in their eyes they smile at me so friendly, but that is only because they do not know me. I have to get to the library. I want to sit in there for a while. I want to spend hours doing my work again and getting lost in it. I want to forget that I don't have a purpose. Again, I am lost in my work. I speak to no one, really. I would much prefer to be lost in a book than lost in conversation or socialising. I saw Tom today at the copier. He was an old gradeschool friend of mine. We spoke a few words of smalltalk and I felt very uncomfortable. I can never tell if people like me or not, so I'd prefer to just avoid them. I never know if I'm saying the right things, either. I always feel as though I'm doing something wrong, so it's easiest to just avoid socialising alltogether.
I wonder if people talk about me. Sometimes they tell me I'm strange. Sometimes they make fun of me. People make fun of me a lot. I don't particularly understand why, but it doesn't particularly bother me, either. Social rituals are so confusing. I understand why I spent my short time in highschool sitting on sidewalks and watching people pass by, analyzing their actions. I view humans like any other species. They are prone to certain things. They are prone to attacking in certain ways under certain conditions. I don't quite understand that part, but I think it has a lot to do with mating and establishing oneself. Most people just go along with the flow of society or the ideas of others so they will be more accepted. They don't like me much, because I don't mindlessly accept what I am told. What am I doing? I'm late for my class. I forgot. I got lost thinking and doing problems again.
Some day I have got to check out those books on mysticism. I don't read much, but when I do it seems to always be about science fiction or the supernatural. I want to integrate the two somehow. I want to integrate everything so it can all flow together effortlessly. Maybe it already does. I'm late for class, but so is my professor. Good. Class starts now. I have so many responses and challenges I'm holding back in front of this professor. I don't want it to negatively effect my grade. I can never take these assignments seriously. I always have to make a mountain of a molehill. I need a challenge. Being so different *is* a challenge, however. It doesn't seem enough. I feel like an alien. No one understands what I am trying to say. I think I'll just avoid communicating with them alltogether. Out of class now, and trying to look at the ground to avoid the eyes of others. Do I walk with a limp? It seems I walk funny. I always feel slightly out of step with others, and that they will perhaps discover that I am trying to blend in and be unnoticed. Why am I even worrying about it? I'm going to do my work. I hate thinking about this. I'm going back to the library and studying more. I still want to get those books. I liked life better when I never cared about being lonely. I want that back. I think I'll condition myself for it.
This is plenty enough to get a general idea of what goes on in my mind uncensored. Of course, I don't go into much detail here, because I don't think it's necessary to do so. Also, it might've taken me a week to elaborate on one thought, lol. I seem to think a lot about anything and everything with very careful consideration.