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Thread: Beta types taking rejection worse than other quadras

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    Default Beta types taking rejection worse than other quadras

    seems to me that members of this quadra might take rejection worse than other quadras. What do you think? What do you need to feel "normal" again?

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    ...been here longer than the fucking monarchy Ezra's Avatar
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    No worse than anyone else would. At least that's what I think. Recently I'm getting a bit of coldness from two people who I was on good terms with not four days ago.
    Ideas don't determine who's right. Power determines who's right. And I have the power. So I'm right.

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    redbaron's Avatar
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    I feel like I take rejection really hard. I'm too sensitive, take things too personally. I can usually talk myself out of it after awhile but that's something I've taught myself to do. I'm not sure about other types (not sure it's necessarily related to type). My mind does tend to dwell on things, what happened, what I could have done differently, where the turning point was, etc. Maybe that part (the dwelling) is
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I'm hopeless at it too. Depends on what kind of relationship it was ofc but if there were a lot of emotions involved it will take ages for me to get back on track again.
    INFp

    If your sea chart does not match reality, go with reality (Old mariner saying)



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    le petit prince raisonpure's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    My mind does tend to dwell on things, what happened, what I could have done differently, where the turning point was, etc.
    I am prone to this too, and it can go on for at least one neurotic month. If I'm not angry at the person, I get very angry at myself for screwing things up. Melancholy may follow anger in the form of crying to tragic music for the first few weeks. Also, I come away as a hedgehog after I go through a rejection, closing up entirely (out of fear) after losing faith in humanity and confidence in my ability to sustain relationships. This can last for years, and the only remedy I know of is... a good friend who's accepting, trustworthy, and gives plenty of reassurance.

    As to getting over the emotions and whatnot:
    - The presence of the rejector will prolong the misery, as will places that trigger memories. It helps to leave the city or even country for a while -- change of environment.
    - Starting a new busy lifestyle.
    - Physical activities like dancing help to distract. For a while.
    “I think, therefore I'll think" - Ayn Rand (ESTp, UR GUARDIAN ANGEL)

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    im starting to really see Fe as very sexy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by raisonpure
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    My mind does tend to dwell on things, what happened, what I could have done differently, where the turning point was, etc.
    I am prone to this too, and it can go on for at least one neurotic month. If I'm not angry at the person, I get very angry at myself for screwing things up. Melancholy may follow anger in the form of crying to tragic music for the first few weeks. Also, I come away as a hedgehog after I go through a rejection, closing up entirely (out of fear) after losing faith in humanity and confidence in my ability to sustain relationships. This can last for years, and the only remedy I know of is... a good friend who's accepting, trustworthy, and gives plenty of reassurance.

    As to getting over the emotions and whatnot:
    - The presence of the rejector will prolong the misery, as will places that trigger memories. It helps to leave the city or even country for a while -- change of environment.
    - Starting a new busy lifestyle.
    - Physical activities like dancing help to distract. For a while.
    Yup pretty much my pattern except I'm a tough guy so I don't cry A good friend who isn't pushy but gives plenty of space is invaluable. Hitting the trail and gym hard and yoga etc is great too. But the hedgehog time just takes the time it takes I think. And yes it can take literally years (damn need to understand everything HA) ... >_<
    INFp

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    Default Re: Betas and Rejection

    Quote Originally Posted by Ms. Kensington
    seems to me that members of this quadra might take rejection worse than other quadras. What do you think? What do you need to feel "normal" again?
    If a quadrant tents to be confrontational or correlated with awareness then confrontration is probably part of the make up and so to a Beta it probably doesn't feel abnormal to take rejection as an offense.
    Lefty
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    "I'm Sick of Old Men Dreaming Up Wars for Young Men To Die In," George McGovern.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kioshi

    I have no doubt that my friends do not accept me. They frequently employ tactics such as communication, participation, facilitation and support, negotiation; all of which imply intent to change me. And I would have it no other way. These are what make me feel valued, loved, and appreciated.

    Why does acceptance make you feel valued, loved, and appreciated?
    Why do you want your friends to change you? Aren't you the only one who can do that? Sure friends can reveal parts of you that may need to be changed, but imo it's easier to WANT to change when you're loved first for who you are, good and bad. Then you can stop feeling defensive or down on yourself for not being perfect or not living up to expectations of others. Acceptance is appreciating/loving someone for who they are, regardless of their shortcomings. This doesn't mean that you don't want the best for them, which can sometimes include change. But pushing change on someone is a recipe for disaster. Change has to come from within that person. It's only when I'm accepted that I can begin to feel the energy, the freedom to WANT to reach my potential. Sometimes a friend reveals what that potential may be but only I can put forth the effort to reach it in my own time and in my own way. Works the same in a marriage. You can't change your spouse. You have to love him/her for who they are and then when they're ready, they may (or may not) change. But it has to be their idea, their desire.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Not really. It's like people's choice. I may not like it, but have to live with it. Basically, I don't really think in terms of "rejection" or such things, but in terms of people's choices. I think this is because I don't attach myself to other people so when they go away it's not a big deal for me. And I tend to be the opposite of too sensitive and seem to never take things personally (Even when I should). I tend to be quite unemotional really. But oddly on the net, if I think I've hurt somebody I feel sooooo fucking guilty, I sometimes can't sleep. Simply have to remedy the situation, send thousands of apologies and so on. I tend to be hyper sensitive on occasions for some reason (Respond *very* badly to certain types of criticism, totally crumble and fall apart. It once took me a month to get over something).

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    Quote Originally Posted by snegledmaca
    Not really. It's like people's choice. I may not like it, but have to live with it. Basically, I don't really think in terms of "rejection" or such things, but in terms of people's choices. I think this is because I don't attach myself to other people so when they go away it's not a big deal for me. And I tend to be the opposite of too sensitive and seem to never take things personally (Even when I should). I tend to be quite unemotional really. But oddly on the net, if I think I've hurt somebody I feel sooooo fucking guilty, I sometimes can't sleep. Simply have to remedy the situation, send thousands of apologies and so on. I tend to be hyper sensitive on occasions for some reason (Respond *very* badly to certain types of criticism, totally crumble and fall apart. It once took me a month to get over something).
    Parts of your response here sound very typical of schizoid personality. On the other hand, it seems like maybe you're not allowing yourself to attach in some places, and it's "transferring" to other issues. Sublimation, maybe.
    socio: INFp - IEI
    ennea: 4w5 sp/sx

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    Quote Originally Posted by aka-kitsune
    Quote Originally Posted by snegledmaca
    Not really. It's like people's choice. I may not like it, but have to live with it. Basically, I don't really think in terms of "rejection" or such things, but in terms of people's choices. I think this is because I don't attach myself to other people so when they go away it's not a big deal for me. And I tend to be the opposite of too sensitive and seem to never take things personally (Even when I should). I tend to be quite unemotional really. But oddly on the net, if I think I've hurt somebody I feel sooooo fucking guilty, I sometimes can't sleep. Simply have to remedy the situation, send thousands of apologies and so on. I tend to be hyper sensitive on occasions for some reason (Respond *very* badly to certain types of criticism, totally crumble and fall apart. It once took me a month to get over something).
    Parts of your response here sound very typical of schizoid personality. On the other hand, it seems like maybe you're not allowing yourself to attach in some places, and it's "transferring" to other issues. Sublimation, maybe.
    I wouldn't really say so because the reaction on the net I think is linked to another personal aspect, and that is not expecting things. When something happens that I am not expecting I overreact. For example, if I am sitting and am listening to music through my headphones loud enough that I cannot register anybody approaching me, and if you touch me I jump, start screaming, crying and curl up into a ball. Seriously freaks people out. But I just can't stop laughing. That is after the crying and screaming parts are over. Which makes it even more bizarre as I'm crying and it morphs into laughter. Anyway, on the net (And certain other things) the same reaction happens, only this time with emotional aspects. A violent transition to a state of internal emotional disorder (But here I don't find it amusing). And all because I wasn't expecting it. It's like, I need to expect it in order to properly deal with it. (The same reason is why for example, I never notice people when they walk by, say hi, I'm just not expecting them to pass by so I miss them. One literally has to step in my way so I would crash into them to get me to notice them. Or be the one to say hi, notice me)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kioshi
    Suppose you ask a guy how he feels about you. He responds that he finds you acceptable. You wouldn't find this condescending? I mean, would you really take it as a sign that he thinks well of you, that he wants to be around you, that he values your opinion, that he enjoys your presence?
    I think you're still missing the point.

    In such a situation/context, to actually respond "I find you acceptable" is just such a sterile, clinical response, that I'd wonder if there wasn't something wrong with the person (like is entirely incapable of comprehending social interaction). But if I'm having a self-critical moment, reduced to tears, and worrying that I was just entirely defective, to have someone "accept" me nonetheless and not be repulsed by my naked insecurity carries HUGE meaning and value for me.

    It's not a question of saying "You're acceptable", it's a matter of showing so with actions. But to me, appreciating someone by telling them you're grateful for the gift they give you with their acceptance is in no way condescending.
    socio: INFp - IEI
    ennea: 4w5 sp/sx

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kioshi
    I find the concept of acceptance offensive. Accepting me implies that I am unlikeable and unchangeable. Neither is true. If people can't see that, then fuck them.
    I don't see how acceptance equates to unlikeable and unchangeable. I think you may be getting caught in the semantics of words. Acceptance to me implies a kind of welcoming and "allowing". No matter how you change, what flaws you have, acceptance means it's OK, that person won't recoil, deride or judge you negatively.

    I've had friends comment that they feel that I accept them. This makes me very uncomfortable. Why do they assume that there is even an option to accept/reject them? Do they feel they are unlikable? Do they feel they are unchangeable? If so, then they are wrong. Sometimes I wish I could make them stand in front of a mirror and see themselves the way I see them. They are not unlikable or unchangeable. They are not something to be accepted or rejected.
    That's very idealistic. But not everyone can just think that way. Some of us grapple with a deep sense of defectiveness. It's not so easily managed by just wishing it away or changing your mind. At times, I do feel unloveable, unneeded, hopelessly lacking. Rejection, in the sense of indifference or insensitivity, taps into this primal fear. Reaction is almost instinctual, because the spot is a deep wound in the psyche.

    Why does acceptance make you feel valued, loved, and appreciated?
    Such a good question to ask... I think, because when one doesn't value, love and appreciate oneself, the validation from outside fills that hole (at least temporarily). I also believe that the ultimate goal, once you have supportive friends and people around you, is to change your internal compass. When you come to acquire self-appreciation, you will be able to weather rejection better. You still may grieve, but it doesn't shake your foundations.

    But for me, personally, this is a lifelong goal.
    socio: INFp - IEI
    ennea: 4w5 sp/sx

    **********

    Quote Originally Posted by Mark Twain
    Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we'.

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    No one has ever rejected me. Who is still alive to tell the tale.

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