Do IEIs/INFps really want someone else to approach/take initiative?

[xyz]

Too late son, the INFp guys might as well just be little mice.

Maybe they're the type to be pretty shy upon first encounters.

[aka-kitsune]

Wha? Did something happen with your INFp at-a-distance?? Can't really judge the situation if there aren't any details forthcoming. If you wanna PM me, I'd be glad to give you my opinion...

Granted, I'm a female IEI and we're different than the usually-hairier male ones. :wink:

[Wittmont]

Awwww >_< Just let them get used to the idea that you are there first. Definitely approach them but don't be "aggressive" right away or they may be spooked. These are young INFp's I take it and may be very shy, not to say insecure, I think the mouse analogy is not too far off heh. Give them a little crumb to delight them first, if you give them time they will soon show a very different side of themselves. Duality is about mental compatibility, and once you get that aspect going things should be fine hopefully. INFp's are mentally agile and one thing that is delightful with ESTp's is that they can keep up with us, or vice versa

[Ezra]

Too late [s:cefe2376f4]son[/s:cefe2376f4] daughter, the INFp guys might as well just be little mice.

[xyz]

I know big boy.....relax

[UDP]

An INFp actually approached me once - though it was through friendship. I was offered a ride to the grocery store here at university. It was humorous because while driving, the INFp admitted "Yeah.... I'm a terrible driver....", when we almost hit another car, followed by typical music discussion and of course the INFp liking alternative, and being a music major.

However that is the only thing I can think of. So perhaps something like putting yourself in a situation where an INFp can help you or try to do something nice for you in a way that promotes positive community, or helps generate a good mood. The ride was offered sort of as a way of getting to know each other because we were both new at the time.

That is all I've got. From my perspective they seem relatively indirect, but I am not sure if that is something that is sort of appealing to ESTps or not.

[misutii]

Relatively recent incidents involving a female ESTp in my life have left me feeling similarly (as in too embarrassed to disclose the details on a public forum, ashamed of myself for being so vulnerable, and skeptical as to whether relations between an INFp male and ESTp female are even capable of developing into anything profound). It's kind of frustrating because whereas with relations with girls of other types that didn't end up working out I'm at least capable of looking back and sympathizing with them and honestly hope they're happy wherever they are, when I look back at this situation though it just feels like any fun we had was a stupid fucking facade that cracked when it became inconvenient and I feel foolish believing that anything more is even possible.

On a positive note at least we can take solace in knowing it's a recurring theme and so not because we simply did something wrong so there's probably a better explanation to look for

[Animal]

Sure, all the descriptions about INFps say all this stuff about INFps wanting to be approached by others, having someone else take the initiative, etc. How come that whenever I actually do that, it seems to backfire on me in a totally shitty way? (Don't make me go into details.) I've never had this problem with any other type except for INFps, which is why I'm kind of suspicious. And no, I'm not fat or ugly, and my breath smells fine.

So yeah, do something that'll help restore my faith in INFps.

Even though I'm REEEALLY curious what happened, I won't ask, because it probably doesn't really matter what specifically happened.

This reminds of a thread from the olden days of the forum when Kim was having issues with an INFp. I managed to find this old post of mine:

If you do go the direct route, Kim, be prepared for a vague/half-assed answer... heh... we INFps are so confusing sometimes we don't even understand each other. If he says "Yes" but really means "No" he wants you to ease off. If he says "No" but he really means "Yes" then he need a buffer period of time to think about it first and then (perhaps a few weeks/months later) it's time to be direct again. If he says "No" and really means "No" then it's better to let it go. If he says "Yes" but really means "Yes" then it's best to keep your cool and go about it so that you don't make him feel obligated. Are you confused yet?

My advice: INFps are weird. Forget about them, and find a new dual.

[UDP]

Hey now, one good smack in the ass from an ESTp and you'll be fine.


... for serious though, don't worry about it.

[xyz]

I do like ass slaps...

[Mediator Kam]

I found another female INFP today, what do you need.

My god, my school is full of female INFp/ENFp.

[UDP]

I do like ass slaps...

Apparently so, this is the second time recently I recall you stating such.

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[XoX]

Sure, all the descriptions about INFps say all this stuff about INFps wanting to be approached by others, having someone else take the initiative, etc. How come that whenever I actually do that, it seems to backfire on me in a totally shitty way? (Don't make me go into details.) I've never had this problem with any other type except for INFps, which is why I'm kind of suspicious. And no, I'm not fat or ugly, and my breath smells fine.

So yeah, do something that'll help restore my faith in INFps.

they are insecure teenagers, what do you expect?


Edit:
In addition it might have something to do with Fi, i.e. you and those INFps were not "meant for each other". Not all ESTps and INFps magically love each other. Focus more on people and less on types.

[FDG]

<-- You realize this makes most people only want to try harder?

you think? that could be something which varies a lot by type.

Yeah, I think most people try harder for a short while, and then stop giving a shit.

[XoX]

<-- You realize this makes most people only want to try harder?

you think? that could be something which varies a lot by type.

Yeah, I think most people try harder for a short while, and then stop giving a shit.

I remember a thread where it was suggested that the "most people" comments made by a person are a good road to typing someone.

[Ezra]

I know big [s:cde22b2bf0]boy[/s:cde22b2bf0] girl.....relax

[Creepy-Diana]

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[Creepy-Diana]

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[Animal]

. . . Question - what's the deal with the sidestepping anything direct, as mentioned in your above quote? Why? Also, when you're doing all this smoke and mirrors stuff, misdirection, confusion, do you know where you actually stand, or are you as jello-ey as your behavior and words?

Well, as I've gotten older, I've learned not to do that so much because it usually ends up confusing others and myself in the process. But the reason anyone ever behaves that way is because of some sort of inner contention: i.e., fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of hurt feelings (esp. if you've had traumatic experiences in the past, where being open about these things has backfired), inability to trust, etc. Learning to identify, clarify, and address these issues in a way that is in your best interest is a part of the journey for many people, and isn't something you can expect them to know how to do or even be able to do at the onset sometimes. It sucks, but that's how it is. These are difficult issues to deal with, and sometimes you just have to accept that a person may just not be emotionally ready for a relationship yet. If you can accept that, you might be able to cope with his/her less-than-ideal behavior better, or else just leave them to learn and grow on their own.

[redbaron]

Subtle. Be more subtle at first. If I met ANYone who was initiating in a really strong way, friendship or otherwise, I usually back off before I get the chance to size them up in my own mind and decide what I want. And that's now at the ripe old age of 37. Heck back when I was 17 it was even worse. So my advice when dealing with INFps is to start very very slowly at first. Give them small doses of you and then back off. Of course I don't know your situation but that was my initial thought anyway.

[Wittmont]

Yup, what Baby and Redbaron says.

I think that is exactly it. Maybe it ties back to our indecisiveness and as our most vulnerable point happens to be making a firm decision, and as we tend to always have to process our emotional state to make a decision we become tentative. We have acute emotional memories and sensitivity to the moment and if too much is happening at once we may clam up to get time to sort it all out somehow. We can see things from so many directions we can find it hard to determine which is the relevant one. I think that is one reason we like to write so much. Writing lets us put our thoughts in a (hopefully) clear and concise order. It is also why we may talk too fast when nervous, or even stutter slightly, too much processing going on heh. Unfortunately often there is not time, or people read our reaction the wrong way.

Personally I have found through experience that wonderful things have happened when I have just embraced the moment and lived it. But it has taken me disasters to learn to do that too, when I have missed opportunities I still rue. Yet overdoing it has lead to knocks too when I have rushed into things headlong for fear of missing something worthwhile, for repeating my old mistakes. But it has lead to such moments of bliss that even if the end has been bad it still was worth it. And isn't that approach just the ESTp approach? To simply go for stuff and worry about the consequences later, if at all? From my too limited exposure to (female) ESTp's I have found that they let me push the hesitant part of myself away and forget about it, they focus me in the present moment and enable me to just go with the flow in the here and now. And that balance between what socionics calls Ni (the possibilites) and Fe (exuberance/passion) is so very very sweet, because it frees me to be myself in a positive way. It makes me feel unchained.

I don't think you can breach the armour of an INFp who puts on his armour and shield. You have to convince him to lay them down for you. Or he has to decide to do it himself. He will be only too glad to once he (finally) realizes what is going on, if he is ready for it. And then he will surprise you.

[XoX]

<-- You realize this makes most people only want to try harder?

you think? that could be something which varies a lot by type.

Yeah, I think most people try harder for a short while, and then stop giving a shit.

I remember a thread where it was suggested that the "most people" comments made by a person are a good road to typing someone.

Well, I agree with FDG - you'll try harder for awhile and then lose interest when you still don't get anywhere. You don't think most people would do the same?

I wouldn't know what most people do. I just brought up a subject/conclusion/whatever discussed in another thread as I thought it might be (distantly) related.

[aka-kitsune]

Subtle. Be more subtle at first. If I met ANYone who was initiating in a really strong way, friendship or otherwise, I usually back off before I get the chance to size them up in my own mind and decide what I want. And that's now at the ripe old age of 37. Heck back when I was 17 it was even worse. So my advice when dealing with INFps is to start very very slowly at first. Give them small doses of you and then back off. Of course I don't know your situation but that was my initial thought anyway.

Pretty much my thoughts as well. I always wonder/worry abt expectations when someone comes on strong. Also, I was really rather awkward about things like this when I was 17 and could really be quite cold when uncomfortable. (I guess I still can be at times!). I think IEIs probably have to "warm" to most people; get a baseline for interaction before they can really respond comfortably.

I know that's the way it is for me.

[Wittmont]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. btw, I wasn't coming on hard at all.

So I have an ESTp friend who knows him, so I asked him if this INFp always acts all aloof towards new people. ESTp goes, "what, did he give you a one word answer or something?" So yeah, according to my friend, he just takes a while to warm up to all new people, and I shouldn't take it personally. I am relieved.

Yay, Good luck Herzy