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Thread: Do you say you're sorry?

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    redbaron's Avatar
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    Default Do you say you're sorry?

    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?

    Answer and list your type.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I would respond with something like: I'm sorry, that was not what I meant to achieve.

    Of course it would depend on how fair I think it was what I said.

    Therefor I could also respond with: Quit whining you faggot.

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    if i did nothing wrong, why on earth should i say that i'm sorry?

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    If I did something wrong I always say I'm sorry to an Alpha or Delta. If it's a Beta or Gamma I wait and see whether they would actually open themselves up to listening and accepting my apology in a sincere way or whether they would use my show of weakness against me.

    If I don't think I did anything wrong.... I'll argue with them until either they are convinced or I am convinced. I'll normally force the issue to be taken care of and not let it be avoided. If we can't reach an agreement at some point then I just back away.....:)
    Suomea

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    Most likely apologize, say sorry. Feel bad about it. If I considered I was right in my actions I wouldn't really consider their feelings at all. I might acknowledge them but not apologize or say sorry. If they insisted I would debate them. If they persisted I would try to compromise. If they persevered I would start to wonder about their motivation and so on questioning my relation with this person and most likely just try to please the person in order to get away from them as soon as possible.

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    If they say it in a nice way, I'm more inclined to apologise even if I haven't done anything paticularly wrong . I tend to say 'Ahhh...I'm so very, very...sorry...I didn't mean for that to happen...I can be stupid sometimes...is everything O.K.? I'm reaally sorry...'

    I hope people know me well enough to know that I wouldn't intentionally hurt them, and that I can make mistakes sometimes...so I prefer it when people tell me in a nice way. I personally try not to think too harshly of someone in case I don't know all the facts - I try to presume people have good intentions.

    (The kind of situation I try to avoid ):
    'Why were you late...don't you know what time it is?'
    'My mother's ill in hospital...'
    'Oh'

    (Instead):
    'Ah, you're here...I think I've fallen asleep!'
    'Oh, I'm really sorry...my mother's ill in hospital, and I had to...'
    '...I'm sorry to hear that...is everything O.K.? Maybe we should do this another time? I have cookies!'

    But if something is shouting at me, they obviously don't know me very well - I tend to prefer showing I'm sorry by maintaining the friendship and helping them, and by not shouting at them when they hurt me...but sometimes my reaction to someone is similar to the reaction of being poked unexpectantly - 'What the fuck did you do that for? You know I don't like it...'

    If someone's shouting at me, I either murmur 'I'm sorry...I'll try not to do it next time...', or I angrily try to argue why it isn't my fault, or how anyone could have made that mistake.

    Clearly, I'm a INTj.

  7. #7
    Creepy-bg

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    Quote Originally Posted by Subterranean
    If they say it in a nice way, I'm more inclined to apologise even if I haven't done anything paticularly wrong . I tend to say 'Ahhh...I'm so very, very...sorry...I didn't mean for that to happen...I can be stupid sometimes...is everything O.K.? I'm reaally sorry...'

    I hope people know me well enough to know that I wouldn't intentionally hurt them, and that I can make mistakes sometimes...so I prefer it when people tell me in a nice way. I personally try not to think too harshly of someone in case I don't know all the facts - I try to presume people have good intentions.

    (The kind of situation I try to avoid ):
    'Why were you late...don't you know what time it is?'
    'My mother's ill in hospital...'
    'Oh'

    (Instead):
    'Ah, you're here...I think I've fallen asleep!'
    'Oh, I'm really sorry...my mother's ill in hospital, and I had to...'
    '...I'm sorry to hear that...is everything O.K.? Maybe we should do this another time? I have cookies!'

    But if something is shouting at me, they obviously don't know me very well - I tend to prefer showing I'm sorry by maintaining the friendship and helping them, and by not shouting at them when they hurt me...but sometimes my reaction to someone is similar to the reaction of being poked unexpectantly - 'What the fuck did you do that for? You know I don't like it...'

    If someone's shouting at me, I either murmur 'I'm sorry...I'll try not to do it next time...', or I angrily try to argue why it isn't my fault, or how anyone could have made that mistake.

    Clearly, I'm a INTj.
    me = exactly the same... only with less words (I leave off the bits after I'm sorry, because I know I'm entierly likely to do it again next time... but despite what some people say may have to say about that, I am genuenely sorry that it turned out how it did that time (the time I'm apologizing for))

    ehhh bad explanaition... I'm sorry!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionicgoat
    me = exactly the same... only with less words (I leave off the bits after I'm sorry, because I know I'm entierly likely to do it again next time... but despite what some people say may have to say about that, I am genuenely sorry that it turned out how it did that time (the time I'm apologizing for))

    ehhh bad explanaition... I'm sorry!
    But that's exactly why I say 'I didn't mean for that to happen...I can be stupid sometimes...is everything O.K.? I'm reaally sorry...'

    If I say 'sometimes', and offer to help make things right + manipulate them into feeling guilty about such an extended apology, then I can get away with doing it again - but I'd feel genuinely guilty, so I'd have to apologise again, and they'd have to tell me to STFU.

    My apology is genuine, I just might inavertantly sin again in the future :wink:

    And on top of all that, I tell people my way of thinking...which leads to amusing results.
    ('I forgive you...' 'No no no! I forgive you!' 'Well, fuck off then!')
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    Thanks for the replies so far. Keep them coming. My situation is that neither party thinks they're wrong (both introverts and conflict-avoiders) so I'm afraid there may be a stalemate unless I apologize. I really think I have a point but he probably does too. (he's ISFp) Honestly, why am I always always the one to give in? Though I'm almost never the one to give in with my husband (ESFj). He apologizes well and readily and usually before I do, even when it's my fault. I feel like I'm always the one saying I'm sorry with the ISFp. I don't get it. He will never admit to being wrong. And even when my feelings are hurt, it's somehow my fault. Just glad I'm not married to the guy!
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Thanks for the replies so far. Keep them coming. My situation is that neither party thinks they're wrong (both introverts and conflict-avoiders) so I'm afraid there may be a stalemate unless I apologize. I really think I have a point but he probably does too. (he's ISFp) Honestly, why am I always always the one to give in? Though I'm almost never the one to give in with my husband (ESFj). He apologizes well and readily and usually before I do, even when it's my fault. I feel like I'm always the one saying I'm sorry with the ISFp. I don't get it. He will never admit to being wrong. And even when my feelings are hurt, it's somehow my fault. Just glad I'm not married to the guy!
    This is one of those situations where you should say 'I'm sorry if your're offended', rather than 'I'm sorry that I offended you' .
    EII-Ne
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    Quote Originally Posted by Subterranean
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Thanks for the replies so far. Keep them coming. My situation is that neither party thinks they're wrong (both introverts and conflict-avoiders) so I'm afraid there may be a stalemate unless I apologize. I really think I have a point but he probably does too. (he's ISFp) Honestly, why am I always always the one to give in? Though I'm almost never the one to give in with my husband (ESFj). He apologizes well and readily and usually before I do, even when it's my fault. I feel like I'm always the one saying I'm sorry with the ISFp. I don't get it. He will never admit to being wrong. And even when my feelings are hurt, it's somehow my fault. Just glad I'm not married to the guy!
    This is one of those situations where you should say 'I'm sorry if your offended', rather than 'I'm sorry that I offended you' .
    Right. But he won't say that. He refuses to say anything. So it's up to me. He's a little bit emotionally immature so I can't really expect these certain little things from him the way that you would normally expect them from others. I dunno. Yet somehow I enjoy our friendship a lot and I am not ready to sacrifice it over his immaturity. So I'll do it. That's fine. I'll even admit to being wrong even though I think I was perfectly justified.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Quote Originally Posted by Subterranean
    This is one of those situations where you should say 'I'm sorry if your offended', rather than 'I'm sorry that I offended you' .
    Right. But he won't say that. He refuses to say anything. So it's up to me. He's a little bit emotionally immature so I can't really expect these certain little things from him the way that you would normally expect them from others. I dunno. Yet somehow I enjoy our friendship a lot and I am not ready to sacrifice it over his immaturity. So I'll do it. That's fine. I'll even admit to being wrong even though I think I was perfectly justified.
    Shake a dice and select an option!
    1) You could ignore him until he feels guilty
    2) Make fun of the situation
    3) Have an extremely deep conversation with him about how sometimes, two people can think they're right by their own standards, and then later realise they are wrong and can't admit it
    4) Try to avoid saying anything potentially opinionated in uncertain situations until the other person has spoken first
    5) Get an independent witness to follow you around
    6) The Niffweed Solution
    EII-Ne
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hostage_Child
    I'd almost always say I'm sorry if the person was nice about the offense, but if I was dealing with a chronically easily-offended person, I'd still say sorry but nicely state that they need to confront hypersensitivity issues that go beyond what is considered normal, especially if the said person is over seventeen where they need to suck it up and realize offense is one of the things that make life 'life.'
    Well, said person is 47 so I suppose he qualifies. Nah, he's not chronically offended. I was more hurt than he was, he was just surprised. But he thinks I shouldn't have been so sensitive. I dunno.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    if i did nothing wrong, why on earth should i say that i'm sorry?
    agree, i'd do the same thing.
    6w5 sx
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    sloan - rcuei

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    if i did nothing wrong, why on earth should i say that i'm sorry?
    agree, i'd do the same thing.
    I guess if I knew that something I did had made the other person sad or hurt, I might say I'm sorry, at least sorry that something I did made the other person sad, even if I didn't think I did anything wrong.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I'm never sorry because I'm never wrong. People just don't see my superior point of view.

  17. #17
    Creepy-Diana

    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    .

  18. #18
    Creepy-bg

    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by Diana
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?

    Answer and list your type.
    If I hadn't done anything wrong - I wouldn't apologize. I have also gotten mad at people because they apologized but then said afterwards that they didn't do anything wrong - what on earth were they apologizing for then? I mean really - is that supposed to make me feel better to know that you'll say something with no sincerity whatsoever? It's actually kind of offensive - like they just lied to you because they thought, what exactly? I don't know.

    Sigh. I've been grumpy all day. I can't believe it's already 5:30.

    I guess if neither of you actually did anything wrong - but they're still hurt, you can let them know that you didn't mean to hurt them. It was unintentional, and hopefully you can come to an understanding by talking through it.

    Type: ESI

    oh hey! we're in the same time zone now... what's up?

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    Creepy-Diana

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    .

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    if i did nothing wrong, why on earth should i say that i'm sorry?
    agree, i'd do the same thing.
    I guess if I knew that something I did had made the other person sad or hurt, I might say I'm sorry, at least sorry that something I did made the other person sad, even if I didn't think I did anything wrong.
    if i didn't do anything wrong, why should i give a damn about that person? i don't really care if you're sad or not.

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    if i did nothing wrong, why on earth should i say that i'm sorry?
    agree, i'd do the same thing.
    I guess if I knew that something I did had made the other person sad or hurt, I might say I'm sorry, at least sorry that something I did made the other person sad, even if I didn't think I did anything wrong.
    if i didn't do anything wrong, why should i give a damn about that person? i don't really care if you're sad or not.
    I'm talking about a friend, not a stranger.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Thing is, when both of you believe you're right and haven't done anything wrong and it's all really grey, you're either at an impasse or someone has to acknowledge that yes, from the other's point of view you may have behaved questionably and that the whole thing isn't worth the rift in the relationship. After many long years of liking to be right maybe I'm learning that peacemaking is more important to me in the long run. I mean, unless it's something really big I suppose.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    I'm talking about a friend, not a stranger.
    define friend. (this is not a facetious commentary; how "close" do you need to be to be friends?)

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    I'm talking about a friend, not a stranger.
    define friend. (this is not a facetious commentary; how "close" do you need to be to be friends?)
    Good question, actually. The kind of friend I'm talking about is someone that you interact with at relatively close psychological distance. So, not a new friend. Not an acquaintance. Not someone you run into periodically. Someone who is an important part of your life, if they were lost to you there would be a big hole. That kind of friend.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    half the words that come out of my mouth are some form of "I'm sorry."
    D-SEI 9w1

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    I think I often try to make sure the feelings between me and others are good (not always). I will notice slight changes in the feelings between us... what I want to avoid are scenarios where another person feels somehow wronged by me, or feels resentful towards me, etc. and hides this from me... I have done this before, wanting the other person to just "pick up" on my hidden feelings... and it can be really bad news the longer it goes on. So I try to bite this sort of thing in the bud if I see other people doing it (in regards to me), before it can turn into something that is damaging. If emotional issues are caught early they can be easily resolved, but if they fester, they can turn into something that may never be resolved. Apologizing can be important in any kind of relationship. I don't always look at it in terms of "right" and "wrong." Sometimes another person needs to hear you're sorry. This doesn't have to mean "sorry" in the strict sense of "I wronged you, or I did something wrong, and then owe you an apology." Often it can just mean that you understand how they feel, why they feel they need an apology, what has occurred that led them to feeling the way they do. And I may feel sorry for misunderstanding them, or misinterpretting something to begin with... mainly because I do try not to mess up in this area.

    Of course, I can't actually say the words "I'm sorry" if I don't actually feel sorry, nor would I ever want to betray myself by saying I feel something I just don't/can't feel. I am also not going to be very sympathetic if someone hasn't been at all wronged by me, but seems to think that I should apologize for not being the way that they want me to be or think others should be (e.g. if they expect me to conform to their own subjective value system and then expect an apology when I refuse to conform)... in that case, I'll probably be trying to get the message across that it isn't their place to tell me how I "should be." For a while I may be very cold towards them. I can't work with people if they expect me to be someone other than I am. The autonomy of other beings must be acknowledged, or there is no point.

    On the other hand, if I really have done something "wrong" then it's more complicated. I will feel bad about it (that's the telling indicator), and no amount of apologizing will change that it was wrong. If I really have wronged someone else, then I generally seem to put myself at their mercy (or lack of mercy) to the extent required, i.e. I will do what they ask... whatever I have to do to try and "fix" it. I will say I'm sorry, but such words alone are empty. I may not apologize at once, but will wait until the right time to do that. Ultimately, if I really am sorry, I will need to change myself. This is a process, not something that can just happen all at once. If I am unwilling to change myself, the apology is empty and meaningless--there's no point in even saying it because I apparently don't really mean it.

    All that said, I say "I'm sorry" frequently for little things. If I feel it, I tend to say it. Also there were times when I was a child where I should have apologized but didn't. I'm going to have to probably do that at some point, even though it's way after the fact... because I remember each instance. Sometimes it's too late though to do these things. I was very angry with my dad when I was a teenager (though this was understandable), and I was so screwed up at the time I wouldn't have been capable of apologizing for anything in our relationship. He's dead now though, and it's too late. I've apologized in dreams before. And I think he would have already known, in some sense.

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    You make some good points, Loki. I am trying to figure out if I'm actually sorry or not. I'm not sorry for being who I am but I am sorry that this happened and that we're at an impasse of sorts. I'm sorry there was a misinterpretation or misunderstanding. But I can't say that he's right and I'm wrong. Or that I'm right and he's wrong. I think we both have our points and we both are "right". As you said, it's not always about being right or wrong. Bottom line I guess is that I want him to show some concern, even if he doesn't say he's sorry that I was hurt. Right now I'm getting nothing, as if to say "pull yourself together" or "get over it". Which is, I suppose, what I'm going to have to do.

    Oh and that thing about your dad almost made me cry.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry?
    Definitely. It's generally easy for me to apologize in most situations.

    What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    I won't say I was wrong if I strongly believe I was right, but I'll still apologize for the misunderstanding, or for the situation, or for their feelings, etc.
    SEE-Se, 852 sx/so

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    Well, I did it. I said I was sorry for my over-reaction (which really was an over reaction) and I asked if we could forget about the whole thing and he said yes. He didn't apologize back but that's okay with me. Maybe my stubbornness is letting up a bit. Not a bad thing. I feel better anyway. Thanks for everyone's input.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I usually only apologize when i want something in return. I'm usually never sorry. Sad but true.

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    If I'm sorry, then I apologize. The people I associate with are those who will get offended for reasons I can recognize - those who take offense to things I don't understand quickly get cut out of my life.

    Depending on your relationship, that might be a good avenue to pursue, redbaron.

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    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand
    If I'm sorry, then I apologize. The people I associate with are those who will get offended for reasons I can recognize - those who take offense to things I don't understand quickly get cut out of my life.

    Depending on your relationship, that might be a good avenue to pursue, redbaron.
    Yes, I know. I'm the one who was more offended. So maybe I'll get quickly cut out of his life.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand
    If I'm sorry, then I apologize. The people I associate with are those who will get offended for reasons I can recognize - those who take offense to things I don't understand quickly get cut out of my life.

    Depending on your relationship, that might be a good avenue to pursue, redbaron.
    Yes, I know. I'm the one who was more offended. So maybe I'll get quickly cut out of his life.
    If he's a typical male, he'll probably forget about it soon enough.

  34. #34
    rockclimber's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    yes and yes. I don't hesitate to say "I'm sorry," whether or not I did anything wrong. I apologize for other people and the world quite often as well. Then I usually hug whoever I am apologizing to.
    EII

    I'll tell you what
    there is plenty wrong with me
    but I fixed up a few old buildings
    and I've planted a few trees.

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    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand
    If I'm sorry, then I apologize. The people I associate with are those who will get offended for reasons I can recognize - those who take offense to things I don't understand quickly get cut out of my life.

    Depending on your relationship, that might be a good avenue to pursue, redbaron.
    Yes, I know. I'm the one who was more offended. So maybe I'll get quickly cut out of his life.
    If he's a typical male, he'll probably forget about it soon enough.
    We agreed to forget about it this morning. I'm glad. I'm beta but too much drama makes me tired.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

  36. #36
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    Default Re: Do you say you're sorry?

    Quote Originally Posted by rockclimber
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    When you find out that something you did or said hurt a friend (because they told you so in a nice way), do you say you're sorry? What if you don't think you did anything wrong?
    yes and yes. I don't hesitate to say "I'm sorry," whether or not I did anything wrong. I apologize for other people and the world quite often as well. Then I usually hug whoever I am apologizing to.
    I really need to hug people more... it's such a good feeling.

  37. #37
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    yeah! hugs are great.
    EII

    I'll tell you what
    there is plenty wrong with me
    but I fixed up a few old buildings
    and I've planted a few trees.

  38. #38
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    I never hug people unless they initiate... it's stupid. For how much I enjoy hugs I need to change that.

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    Hugs make me uncomfortable unless they're with my husband, my kids, my brother/SIL, my mother or father. Okay, or my two best friends or my grandparents. Anyone else.....not so much.

    And I almost never initiate. That's bad, eh?
    IEI-Fe 4w3

  40. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron
    Hugs make me uncomfortable unless they're with my husband, my kids, my brother/SIL, my mother or father. Okay, or my two best friends or my grandparents. Anyone else.....not so much.
    I hardly even hug the people close me

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