Emotional support and protection-Looking in the wrong place?

**Park** · 10-31-2007, 02:15 AM

I am currently facing a tragedy in which I need a lot of emotional support, consultation, advice, encouragement, and protection. Unfortunately, the closest person to whom i may turn to is an ENFj-Fe. It hurts to experience how she lacks in providing these things for me and totally fails to understand and help me, even though she wants to. It appears though as if she continuously fails to understand what I want (need), misses the point of my "needs" and thus cannot respond appropriately. I feel as if I'm asking for something she can't give. Like I am looking in the wrong place. I wonder if anyone else has experienced something like this or have felt a similar way?

I think this may be related to Fi (and Fe vs. Fi) and that it's something an EXFp person could give some appropriate and positive feedback to (?). Things like this also make me think how cold and un-emotional can EXFj types (appear to) be. You would wonder how this may be? Well, be an IXTp and see it for yourself.

**UDP** · 10-31-2007, 02:32 AM

Yeah - as far as I'm concerned, whenever I have emotional or relationship problems, I need to talk to

people, particular Fi dominants. They just get me more. Fe people do what they can but it just doesn't work.

Honestly, ask some of the nice Fi people here on the forum. They are probably willing to lend a supportive and listening ear.

**Ms. Kensington** · 10-31-2007, 02:33 AM

yes, I have experienced this many times and yes i find its more painful when you know that person wants to help and cares about you.

btw i have had some success with my conflictor when i explain how i feel and what i need. sometimes it makes her annoyed but if i just try to be clear at least she knows what will help. And i try to accept the help she does give. It feels nice to know that someone cares about you.. like giving you a useless flower.

**betterthandead** · 10-31-2007, 03:25 AM

yomama

**Bardia** · 10-31-2007, 04:49 AM

I've tried to get support from an ESTp. Very bad idea lol. I just get this kind of your stupid look or your problem doesnt really seem like a big deal.

**xyz** · 10-31-2007, 04:57 AM

Originally Posted by betterthandead

Learn to count on yourself. Never put too much trust into others to "help" you.

Yeah pretty much. I mean, esp. ESFj's and ENFj's, what we "need" will totally go over their heads.

**jewels** · 10-31-2007, 05:21 AM

yeah I've definitely had this experience with an ENFJ too. This particular one would say things like "just get over it" which didn't help at all. Also, an ISFP I'm close to always clams up if I get upset about anything. Makes her uncomfortable, so she ignores it and says something sun-shiney, which really kinda bugs me. And an ISTJ I know will tell her friends things like "it's just a break-up, no big deal. No one died or anything. everyone has break-ups, who cares?" but she doesn't keep friends for very long. She said that to an ESFP who had just lost a long-term boyfriend and that friendship was done...

I'm not sure if it's type related as much as bad listening skills. That, or selfish people who don't care about other people's feelings? In any event, I've got some Fi, if anyone needs some!

**tiny_dancer** · 10-31-2007, 01:28 PM

I'm sorry you're going through a bad time

I hate it when people tell me to 'get over it.' They're stating the obvious. For me, I just need to let it out and have someone around to keep me from remaining all wrapped up in my head and provide clarity if I start going off the deep end. My infj and infp friends helped me out a lot with that recently. You mentioned that you have only one person you feel that you can confide in.. reminds me of my ex - he never wanted to 'bother' anyone with anything. Sometimes people are more receptive than you think they'll be. After my breakup I turned to a mutual friend that I didn't know terribly well, and it turned out that we got a lot closer and she provided a much-needed injection of reality. Yes, if you need some Fi, enfps have it in spades

**Slacker** · 10-31-2007, 01:43 PM

A tragedy? How serious of a tragedy is this?

So the only person who can help you through a tragic situation is someone who doesn't help in the way you need. There's no one else near you? Is this a tragedy that is going to involve difficulties in your daily needs - food, shelter, etc? The first thing you need to do is make sure your physical needs are taken care of if they're in danger. You're too old to have some kind of campus psychologist to talk to, aren't you? Because even if you don't need psychological services long-term, they can help in the short term when you're going through serious problems, and if you're in college your health assessment probably paid the cost of it so it hopefully wouldn't cost any more. If you belong to any kind of church or other religious organization, you might also be able to find help there. Depending on the specifics, there could even be some community organization that could help. Sometimes having someone who *doesn't* know you very well can be good when you're going through a really hard time, because if you spill your guts, you'll probably never see them again so you won't have issues of embarassment in the future.

I hope you get someone who can help you because anyone who uses the word "tragedy" is having something pretty darn bad happen. That's not a word to take lightly. *hugs*

**Slacker** · 10-31-2007, 01:53 PM

If you aren't in college and you have health care, your health insurance might pay for a small number of visits with a counselor for just the cost of a co-pay, and it would be plenty for a temporary tragedy.

Another thought is that many workplaces have "employee assistance" organizations that can help you get through crises. They sometimes refer you elsewhere for help but they know what's available.

Anyway, my point is to not just consider people you know. Depending on the specifics, your long-term best option might be to talk to a stranger anyway. A lot of people don't like people knowing that much of their business, and an uninterested stranger will a) never be in your life again and b) will probably forget your personal business anyway.

**Blaze** · 10-31-2007, 02:59 PM

you might not have to even pay for counseling if you decide to use catholic charities. don't waste any time trying to solve everything yourself or through somebody who can't help you. just go to counseling and see what they say. you'll feel a heavy burden lifted off of you.

so you want to have a complicated Fi/ethical issue explained to you it sounds like? then once you understand it you would behave accordingly. mood is less important to you since you have a stable mood most of the time? counseling is all about Fi.

contrary to some of the other posters in this thread, i have found enfj's, esfj's, infp's to be quite helpful. isfp's i'm not too sure about since i tend not to know many. they are helpful precisely because of the way they interpret Fi and use Fe. their interpretation of the importance of relationships is less toxic or something. it's like they acknowledge that it's important, but then they kind of give you some easy things to do to fix the problem.

with Fi dominants, the advice they give is way too complex for me, and their criticism feels too impactful. i can't do what they say. it's too hard. even though i understand the logic of their advice. and they're not wrong. but it works better for me to have help in getting my mood on a more even keel, which then puts me in a better position to implement basic advice on fixing a relationship.

**Park** · 10-31-2007, 04:17 PM

OK, I'm back. Thanks for all of your responses so far.

Originally Posted by Courage

Honestly, ask some of the nice Fi people here on the forum. They are probably willing to lend a supportive and listening ear.

The matter is very complicated and it is something I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with people I'm not close to. I don't know if I could or should, but it will be hard if I do... and I might regret it later...

Originally Posted by Ms. Kensington

It feels nice to know that someone cares about you.

Yes, it does. And I appreciate your response, it means much more to me than a "useless flower". :wink:

Originally Posted by betterthandead

Learn to count on yourself. Never put too much trust into others to "help" you.

I guess I need to do that. The thing about "trust" is that I have lost it to the point when I am very afraid to trust anyone, including myself.

**Park** · 10-31-2007, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by jewels

That, or selfish people who don't care about other people's feelings?

Unfortunately, most people don't.

Originally Posted by jewels

In any event, I've got some Fi, if anyone needs some!

Haha, thanks. I 'll have that in mind.

Originally Posted by tiny_dancer

You mentioned that you have only one person you feel that you can confide in.. reminds me of my ex - he never wanted to 'bother' anyone with anything.

Yes, I am pretty much like that. I wish I had someone I could really trust and confide in. I 've been longong to meet a loyal and understanding person all my life.

Originally Posted by tiny_dancer

Sometimes people are more receptive than you think they'll be.

That could be true. But I usually find it really hard to open up. I am always afraid that the person will spread what you told him/her to other people and that every information I give is a potential weapon against me, if you know what I mean.

**Park** · 10-31-2007, 04:54 PM

Originally Posted by Slacker Mom

A tragedy? How serious of a tragedy is this?

It is very serious.

So the only person who can help you through a tragic situation is someone who doesn't help in the way you need. There's no one else near you?

Nope. I communicate with very few people and there's I'd say only 2/3 people I am close to and can count on.

Is this a tragedy that is going to involve difficulties in your daily needs - food, shelter, etc?

No, I have regulated that part, but my life could be in danger.

You're too old to have some kind of campus psychologist to talk to, aren't you? Because even if you don't need psychological services long-term, they can help in the short term when you're going through serious problems, and if you're in college your health assessment probably paid the cost of it so it hopefully wouldn't cost any more.

I 've been thinking about seeing a psychologist(psychiatrist) and that's what I 'm gonna do probably. I need some advice and consolation. Costs are not a problem at the moment.

Sometimes having someone who *doesn't* know you very well can be good when you're going through a really hard time, because if you spill your guts, you'll probably never see them again so you won't have issues of embarassment in the future.

It is very likely that they will remember it, actually, and unfortunately.

**Slacker** · 10-31-2007, 08:08 PM

If your life could be in danger, maybe you need to talk to the police or a lawyer or something too.

*hugs* Take care of yourself!

**Park** · 10-31-2007, 08:30 PM

Thanks. I think I 'll get by.

**Kim** · 10-31-2007, 08:44 PM

I 've been thinking about seeing a psychologist(psychiatrist) and that's what I 'm gonna do probably. I need some advice and consolation. Costs are not a problem at the moment.

I was in a life threatening situation last year and I saw a counselor, which really helped. It was actually nice to talk to someone who I was not close to. The counselor's office was some kind of safety zone.

I noticed that I HATED it when people told me what a poor thing I was. I did not tell certain people because I didn't want their compassion. I sought out people who looked at the positives side and were encouraging.

**Park** · 11-02-2007, 10:50 PM

Originally Posted by Slacker Mom

If your life could be in danger, maybe you need to talk to the police or a lawyer or something too.

I don't think it's that bad (and that my life is "really" in danger), actually. It's just me getting a little paranoid, that's all.

But you know, I am the kind of person who wants to be 100% certain of things, and even a very "slight" possibility bothers me to death sometimes (Weak Ni?). Anyhow, the situation is probably not as bad (for me) as I made it sound. It is still a "tragedy", thou.

**Park** · 11-02-2007, 10:58 PM

I saw a counselor today, by the way.

**anndelise** · 11-02-2007, 11:26 PM

did you like the counselour?
do you think s/he will be able to help you?
was/is it a one time thing or will you be going back?...or looking for someone different?
do you feel it was a waste of time/energy or that it was/will be a good use of time/energy?

*sigh* i can't do online the kinds of things i would do in person
just know that I really hope that you get something good out of this, whether it's a way of resolving the problem, of detouring around the problem, or even of viewing the problem in a different way.

**Park** · 11-03-2007, 08:37 PM