IEIs/INFps being nice to a ridiculous extent? impressions by other types?

[aka-kitsune]

Just unearthed this curious gem on INFps from smilingeyes "Si Column" thread:

I probably need to make an exception for the INFps though on account of them being nice to a ridiculous extent.

Most of the original thread is really quite interesting and insightful. This, however made me go WTF? Is this a general impression of IEIs by other types? Or is it perhaps just colored by NTism that sees any kind of warmth as too accomodating? I've never been categorized as "nice" (except by people I particularly like, then I'm honey). I guess I can come off nice in a diffident way, but I'm certainly not one to "let other people win" and then apologize or suck up to anyone. This seems to me more something that an ISFp might do. (I know one-- she constantly apologizes for things that are in NO way her fault). Myself, I feel I'm easily affectable, and consequently cold at times to shut out sources of distraction or obligation. I've also been told I can be downright mean.

Have most of you found that INFps are "nice"?? Are we so?

[Not A Communist Shill]

I knew a INFp once who always made me carry her stuff - I didn't even know her that well . I thought it was rather sweet, but I wish I knew her better - it seemed odd that she let me look after her valuables while barely knowing me, and yet she always seemed to avoid talking to me somehow .

[aka-kitsune]

I'm also interested in getting feedback from IEIs with regard to how they experience themselves with respect to others. Are you "nice" in the sense of self-abnegating??

[redbaron]

I'm also interested in getting feedback from IEIs with regard to how they experience themselves with respect to others. Are you "nice" in the sense of self-abnegating??

Not usually, no. But when I really like someone I DO find myself doing things like apologizing over nothing and getting that feeling that I would do absolutely anything for that person. Kinda scary intense. Not sure I'd call it "nice" though.

[FDG]

Most INFp girls I've met were pretty nice, yeah.

[marooned]

I have fluxuated a bit... as a small child I was terribly self-centered. My behavior was unpredictable. There were a few people I was suddenly really mean to with no reason whatsoever. After I had done enough unpredictable not-so-good things, I discovered this persistant feeling of guilt every time... a feeling of remorse for what I had done. I quickly learned that a good way to avoid this feeling of remorse was to avoid doing something that would trigger it in the first place... I didn't always know at first what would and wouldn't trigger it, however. Anyway, it's not that I was an unkind person, but that I could behave in unkind ways at random with no prior warning because I didn't think about the effect my selfish wishes might have on others--my focus was more on whatever it was I was curious about that was driving the selfish behavior.

I didn't learn compassion, like really get it though I always felt it, until I was about 13 or 14. After that I mellowed into a generally nice-all-the-time person. I didn't wish to hurt anyone else's feelings and generally stuck to that...

Then later, around 20, I started to notice that sometimes I was too nice. That sometimes I went out of my way to be nice to others and that it didn't necessarily always help them, and that sometimes it backfired on me in the long run, or fed a general pattern of neglecting my own emotional needs in favor of those of someone else. This created a cycle that generated negative feelings within me. It was then that I realized that I had totally abandoned my self-centered nature in favor of a selfless nature, thinking that was the best way to go. But I was wrong in that a balance needed to be maintained.

I am currently nice and kind in general... however, I am unlikely to neglect my own wishes... I've been getting better at being assertive about my own needs even if that means that it isn't being nice to someone else. I am also hesitant to help people at times and am in favor of the teaching others how to fish (vs. fishing for them) approach. In the long run this is a better approach. But some people may think I'm being mean when I do not want to do something for them... I am only willing to do something for someone else if I don't think they're capable or will ever be capable of doing it themselves... or if I don't think they'll benefit in any long lasting way from my telling them how to do something.

I currently am not very generous and unlikely to do people all that many favors. This is the part that is irking me right now. I think I need to cultivate more generosity in my character. (Edit I actually admire generous people a lot, and think rather highly of generosity...

Anyway, for the most part, I am nice.

[redbaron]

I currently am not very generous and unlikely to do people all that many favors. This is the part that is irking me right now. I think I need to cultivate more generosity in my character. (Edit I actually admire generous people a lot, and think rather highly of generosity...

Anyway, for the most part, I am nice.

I've worked on being more generous over the past few years. My husband is very generous with his time and I tend to be more generous with my financial resources. I encourage him to give more money and he encourages me to not be so stingy with my time.

I guess I'm actually pretty nice now but in the past I know I came across as coldish due to being inside my own head so much (that was mostly college). I also never used to reach out to others and now I do. More confidence I guess. And more time to think "hey, I should approach her--she might be interesting to talk to" or whatever.

[Animal]

I'm also interested in getting feedback from IEIs with regard to how they experience themselves with respect to others. Are you "nice" in the sense of self-abnegating??

I'm not sure that's what smilingeyes was saying, there.

I think most healthy INFps generally are "nice" (as in "polite" and "friendly"). Even when they're pissed at you they will find some polite/charming way to tell you you're a fuckwad before turning to their trademark histrionics. Other types that are used to more direct combat might find this ineffective or "ridiculous."

[marooned]

[quote="introspectivedolphin"]

One time when I was about 8, some boys, friends of my brothers, were over playing with us. I invited my next door neighbor best friend to come play, because I didn't want to be stuck with all those boys! When she came over, I chased her around the backyard with a stick, and made fun of her till she cried.

I had this thing with throwing sand at people... when I was 4 I had made friends with this 6 year old across the way, and one day for no apparent reason I threw sand at her, a lot of sand... After I knew this meant she wouldn't like me anymore, but I didn't seem bothered by that. I couldn't tell my mother why I had done it... I didn't know... But I started to feel bad for doing it, and then I didn't understand why. I just threw sand at her and she got upset and then I went home and told my mother what I had done and expressed my not understanding why I had done it... I think she just said something like "why would you do something like that?" in this exasperated way. Maybe this sort of thing is rather common with children? It's sort of the capricious nature of children I guess...

[aka-kitsune]

I'm also interested in getting feedback from IEIs with regard to how they experience themselves with respect to others. Are you "nice" in the sense of self-abnegating??

I'm not sure that's what smilingeyes was saying, there.

He did use the example of an INFp winning a game and then apologizing for beating the other person. I may be nice situationally, and people may generally like me, but I'm not "ridiculously" nice.

I think most healthy INFps generally are "nice" (as in "polite" and "friendly"). Even when they're pissed at you they will find some polite/charming way to tell you you're a fuckwad before turning to their trademark histrionics. Other types that are used to more direct combat might find this ineffective or "ridiculous."

I do find it difficult to be direct with my feelings. Especially negative ones. And I will usually try and say nothing rather than something critical to someone I like. Like Loki mentioned above, I also tend to feel instant guilt when I say or do something hurtful to another, hence I try and avoid confrontation in general.

However, I have allowed myself at times to be in less than ideal relationships and put up with a lot of crap and manipulation from someone because I cared about them. Most of the time, I would not accept this from anyone else. The need for affection has the propensity to turn me into a martyr in the past; these guys would always end up telling me how "good" a person I was. Strangely, I feel that putting myself in these kinds of difficult relationships always ends up being perfect tests for my aspired ideal of unconditional love.

[Ezra]

My father is a 4w5 so-first, so I think that there's a safe bet that he's an IEI. I can't really see any other possible types for him. Now, our relationship is very good, but for the fact that he thinks I turn every little thing into an argument. He doesn't like arguing at all. He escapes from it, and if you push or directly confront him (as my mother often did before they split up a few months ago), he just gets upset or evades the problem by saying that he doesn't want people shouting at him. He sometimes analyses people and why they act the way they do, and I got my interest from the Enneagram from him. I've introduced him to socionics, but I'm waiting for him to tell me what he thinks (I told him about socionics.us). In essence, most if not all of our conversations revolve around personality systems and philosophical or spiritual issues. He's a very good conversationalist. I like to hear about theories and ideas he's read about, as well as about his own ideas. He'll often ask me for feedback about, for example, his business website(s). I think he has at least one time in the past been scared that I somehow challenge his authority as 'head of the house', but this is very rare, and is never too serious or awkward. He doesn't like my loud voice or the way I dominate conversations sometimes. But over all, he's a nice guy and he's good company. My mother just get on with him well enough. I think she's an ESE, but I don't know. She's a 7w6. Sp-first I think. In fact, I'll get you lot to type her sometime.

[Suomea]

Yeah, female INFps I've known also have bites. And they can catch people off guard.... they can be brutal if they want to be.