--
istp question
--
Last edited by tiny_dancer; 01-06-2008 at 04:10 PM.
well i don't know many istp's but i do feel for ya, your post is kind of compelling.
i think your friends are right: sit back and watch. why tell the new interest anything? she's not going to listen. and you'll only reveal your hurt feelings by opening a line of communication with her.
it does suck when it comes out of the blue like that. you know though, we've all been hurt. it seems like a gauntlet that every single human being has to run through when younger. the hurt from breaking off with a true love seems to last about a year, too. what doesn't kill ya will make ya stronger though.
the impulse to try to understand and put it all together is strong, too. you wish they would just tell you their reasons. you never really get closure on this type of stuff though, no matter how much you want it and seek it. bottom line: they are not right for you. even if they seemed oh so right.
seems like sometimes the sensing types are more practical about relationships, maybe they seem to let them go a little easier or something? just what i've noticed. intuitive types seem to get attached more easily, and have more difficulty letting go. i'm not sure if this is right or not, just what i've seen.
don't worry out there somewhere waiting for you is the perfect guy! it's just not time yet. but he'll be there.
ILE
those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often
(Preface: I'm an ISTp)
Um, I'd say most of what you say sounds spot on, but the part about not telling you that he wasn't interested anymore and just waiting until he found someone else sounds more like a character issue than a personality one. I'd never do that to anyone, because I'd never want it done to me. It just seems very wrong, or makes me feel like I was just being used until someone better came along. I'd feel like I was just a placeholder, and I'd imagine that's how someone else would feel.
Based on a few other people here, we're kinda funny with the "space" and "alone" thing. I love my space, don't get me wrong, but if I get too much of it I really start missing my friends, or being around groups of people. I love my space, but I generally don't like being too alone , if that makes sense
And the reason he might've started to avoid you after abit into the relationship is that he was either not as interested or he was genuinely busy. Can't really say.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with an ISTp, but we're not all bad! We're really just fun loving people who'd welcome anyone who wants to have fun with us and accept us for who we were. And maybe throw in a few wild cards in there. =X
I've done this before. I can't speak for the rest of them, but it's just how I am. I'm not good at knowing what's expected in a relationship or what needs to be communicated so i usually remain silent about problems until I explode or push the person away and the whole thing ends. I think it's a communication thing. Something obviously wasn't satisfying him enough. I've stuck in relationships before just because i didnt' want to be alone also..which is a pathetic thing to do but i'm guilty of it. I'm quite able to gradually let things fade off while leaving the other person completely in the dark...i just stop caring, to be honest. I can be completely infatuated with someone and the next day not want anything to do with them. It's bad but ah, i'm afraid it's the truth. But everyone is different, heh.
Your post is too long. I might wanna read it some other time. (Sorry.)
“Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”
Originally Posted by Gilly
That's what i instantly feel when I see a long long post. I got through it somehow. Willpower?
My guess is that him dumping you was - relatively speaking - a long time coming. Maybe there were little things you didn't recognize, or bumps in the relationship that you overcame quite easily but were major sticking points for him. If he's a good-looking guy with an outgoing personality, it'd be so much easier (and fun) to get a new skirt than try to iron out the old.
Or maybe he's just a shitty dude.
Don't warn his new girl - it's not going to make a damn difference. She's probably not going to listen to you, you're going to lose face, and he can just move on to his next target. I think women bear some responsibility for dating and staying with guys with bad histories. Better they learn the lesson now when they're young as opposed to 35 with a couple of kids.
Forget him. Forget socionics. Get a new boyfriend - someone who's more decent than he is exciting.
Yet another thing I am lacking in. (besides self-discipline)
“Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”
It's ok dude. We make up for it in mad passionate sex and fixing shit. And a good attitude
Haha, yeah, I guess I read and type really fast, so I lose track of content length.
"I'm not good at knowing what's expected in a relationship or what needs to be communicated..."
Maybe you need an enfp to write a manual for you - an Explosion Avoidance Encyclopedia.Then you just look up the situation and you're there.
"A-F"
Cooking
Dinner for two - Do that.
Meth in the bathtub - Don't do that.
Flowers
On Birthday - Do that.
Fucking
The Pool Boy - Don't do that. *See also 'Court - Divorce'
Seriously, though, I did feel like I couldn't balance the communication well without some participation from him. It's like he didn't want me to ask him if he was 'okay' with things, but he wasn't going to tell me if he wanted something either. So I always wondered if he'd just get up and leave over something trivial, like the fact that I didn't pick up my socks. It felt very sitting duck-like... like you're pretty much powerless to help the situation.
tiny dancer, wow. That's all I can say.Geez. I gotta say, it shakes my faith in duality as well. Great relationship and then bam...it's gone. I guess at least you didn't marry him, have ten kids, and then have this happen.
ENFPs care so much about people...maybe that makes it harder to see the warning signs or whatever? It's hard to tell what is istp, and what is just a guy not caring enough.
It does really suck that he couldn't just be honest from the start, instead of dragging it out and making you think things were great, and playing with your feelings for his own gain. I would be pissed in that situation. I do think some ISTPs care deeply. But some are players too. It can be very hard to tell which is which.
For myself, I've recently decided on a couple things about dating (may or may not help you)...
1) You gotta trust your gut -- usually, when I need to analyze what a guy is doing, or collect logical or emotional "evidence" that points one way or another, that's a sign something is way wrong, and to just drop it. Which of course, I never do. And I step up to the challenge and try to make it work! But you can't "make" things work. And that's the thing that sucks...
2) I decided that anything that can easily be taken from me wasn't really mine in the first place.
And when you wrote this:
"So I always wondered if he'd just get up and leave over something trivial, like the fact that I didn't pick up my socks. It felt very sitting duck-like... like you're pretty much powerless to help the situation."
That sounds like your gut talking.
Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)
....I love ENFps...
yomama
Last edited by betterthandead; 08-03-2008 at 04:08 PM.
This is a trap I have fallen into in the past, and something you shouldn't do. Think about it this way: if duality is supposed to work without the intervention of socionics, then by restraining yourself due to knowledge of socionics you're actually impairing the relationship.Then things change. He starts avoiding you, not inviting you out with his friends, saying he needs his 'space.' Well by that point I knew what his personality type was, and decided that if that was what he needed being an istp, that's fine.
You know I used to give introverts more "space" knowing that they were introverts, but I resented it because I wanted to go out more with them. When I stopped caring and just behaved naturally, they actually said that they didn't understand why I wasn't asking them to do things with me and that they spent the evenings at home doing nothing, while I thought they had to go out with their friends and have "space"! Bottom line: in your next relationship, avoid thinking how you're supposed to behave around a certain guy just because of his personality type. Do what it feels right, and watch the reaction. You may be surprised that they're positive.
Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit
I think the majority of people here need to start doing this, including me.Bottom line: in your next relationship, avoid thinking how you're supposed to behave around a certain guy just because of his personality type. Do what it feels right, and watch the reaction. You may be surprised that they're positive.
FDG: You have a very good point. Thinking about it, this guy really seems like someone whose 'persona' and 'nature' don't match up. When I met him, he's the one who wanted to see me 3 times a week, he was outgoing, flirty, and talkative, and accepted my invites to go out with my friends. He specifically wanted to know that we were exclusively dating each other. (?!?)
At that point, I was behaving like my normal self and it was great until the eight month mark hit, and he suddenly decided the amount of time we spent together was 'clingy,' only wanted to see me once a week, and never did anything I invited him to do. I guess I fell head-over-heels for the wrong person and always figured he was still in there *somewhere.*And he fell head-over-heels for the wrong person too. No idea who he thought I was, though...
It's why I have to wonder how long the shelf life is on his current girl. She's known him for over a year, but in a way she's even worse off because around his sports team he's Mr. Party Guy and has always had a beer or five. To have known someone for that long, it's going to be quite a shock when she gets to the person who refuses to communicate and won't go out with your friends.. It's probably why all his relationships are train wrecks. He meets them one way, jumps into bed with them WAY too fast, and then totally changes. Talk about a total mind fuck.
No worries. It'll all end up allright.
Ha, he sounds like me. I have changed though. Change is possible.
.
yomama
Last edited by betterthandead; 08-02-2008 at 03:55 PM.
Same.. care to summarize?
xxTp
If I remember right, her bf was...
ah crap.... <shrug> someone care to finish my sentence?
Ehn - He doesn't know what he wants, and he didn't feel like communicating with me, so he walked out on a perfectly good relationship. Oh well, I'm over it. He's dating an ENFj that none of his friends like.
i just took the time to read that whole post.
is this actually typical ISTp behavior? i get accused of being ISTp about twice a month and god knows i wouldn't do this shit to someone. i think i honestly probably would have warned the girl if it had hit me hard enough, and yeah, cheating and blatant/covert/overt manipulation does hit me hard. i'd probably do a lot worse than you have if i were seriously misled. i get shit boyfriends like this every now and again.
with this guy, he'll eventually he'll get tired of her and discard her as well, or she'll find out on her own that he's untrustworthy.
at any rate, i think you've done a great job just saying "fuck it."
6w5 sx
model Φ: -+0
sloan - rcuei
No, it's not typcal for me. And I think Jessica said she USED to do this. .... So that can be half n heif?
eh i don't know. glad i'm single, going to strap on a permanent chastity belt. i mean i relate with the situation as i've dated a dude with very similar behavior. you guys can just send me pictures of your dicks on the internet and we'll leave it at that. call it cherrypicking or whatever, i just don't know what possibly warrants treating anyone like that.
anyhow, i agree that it sounds like extrovert behavior.
6w5 sx
model Φ: -+0
sloan - rcuei
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
