Delta fears

[UDP]

I used to be afraid of my own shadow then i just stopped giving a damn one day. It worked.

One step closer to enlightenment.

[Danielle]

Usually it is less stressful to give in to fears than to try to overcome them. I think that giving in to fears to avoid stress/discomfort is weak, valued . As it is, it can be difficult to tell what's worth the stress and what isn't. That's where my stronger functions come in (at least until I run into someone who is stronger and can be of assistance). A combination of and can help one to determine the true significance of fear and fear-inducing activities, and help one to ascertain the best attitude for oneself.

Sometimes that will mean getting past the fear, but sometimes it means acknowledging and valuing the fear, and finding another way that keeps one true to oneself.

Example One - I have a strong fear of approaching men that I am attracted to and indicating that attraction. Much easier to handle being approached than doing the approaching. Now, should I try to overcome that fear or not?

For years, I decided "not", for various reasons. First of all, it was easier, much less stressful in the immediate moment. If I thought that I'd never find a mate if I didn't do any approaching, well I could decide to be single, and I decided to create a nice, single life. Or I could think that the right guy would approach me. Or I could say that my fear was a sign that I wasn't ready for marriage, so that would mean it was a good thing, it taught me something about myself. Thus, I lived with the fear, or rather, the absence of fear due to avoidance of the fear-inducing situation.

But this solution ceased to be acceptable for a number of reasons, too many to go into. Suffice to say that once I decided the fear was interfering with my integrity and happiness, I pushed past it. Recently I asked a guy for his number, no big deal once I'd done it. I have overcome many fears in this fashion.

But if one is not willing to acknowledge their fears, or listen to what the fears may be indicating, that could lead to pain and unnecessary heartache and stress. I personally do not believe that fear is bad.

But sometimes I may decide that the fear is fine after all.

Example Two - I'm afraid to drive my parents' car. It's really big. It's difficult for me to pay attention to many things at once, as you must when driving. I strongly believe I'd be a dangerous driver. I like to be relaxed and laid back, not tense and in control of a multi-ton vehicle. I like walking. I live in a city and I like that. A very walkable city with excellent public transportation. I believe cars are bad for the environment though I pass no judgment on people who drive them (I better not, not after all the rides I've received).

I felt pushed to learn how to drive because everyone drives or at least knows how. I felt like I was unaccomplished, a baby because I didn't drive. So I was pushed to overcome the fear. I got a learner's permit, I tried it, I was afraid. So I thought about it more, and meditated, and reflected more over a long period of time. And I decided that I do not want to drive, and I won't let the judgments of others determine my life course. I'm right, I'd be a dangerous driver even if I could pass the test, because of my anxiety and lack of attention. I don't have to drive, don't want to drive, and it's my life. So yes, while I acknowledge that I am afraid, I have chosen not to "push past" it and learn how to drive anyway. I don't believe I have to overcome all fears. Fear is one more feeling, just like any other. I still love people I'll never see again, but I have not pushed past the love. It's a part of my life. I still can't stand certain things, and I won't push past it in the name of tolerance or peace or whatever. I see fear as the same kind of thing.

[eunice]

edited.

[leckysupport]

I just pretend they don't exsit. Most of them are just too stupid and counter-productive to even consider thinking about.

[Christy B]

My worst fears would have to be 1) being alone for the rest of my life, followed by 2) not being understood or worst of worsts 3) being understood and rejected.

I am afraid that someone I love will get to know me, see how utterly f-d up I am inside and reject me. With my extremely weak Si I do not undertand my body, and fear another's rejection of my physical self. I would probably rather be alone for the rest of my life than experience the two things mentioned above.

[munenori2]

You can't find the point if you do nothing because you're too afraid to do anything.

I think you have a very valid point there. I wish I could just discard my fears like you have, but I find that I can't really until I've delved in and understood why I'm afraid. That can take me awhile sometimes.

[UDP]

edit: too much. uncomfortable.

[Ms. Kensington]

no i think its so cute. I didn't use the smiley because deltas dont like emoticons dont you know?

:wink: ... (runs from Delta forum giggling like a silly school girl)

[munenori2]

Usually it is less stressful to give in to fears than to try to overcome them. I think that giving in to fears to avoid stress/discomfort is weak, valued . As it is, it can be difficult to tell what's worth the stress and what isn't. That's where my stronger functions come in (at least until I run into someone who is stronger and can be of assistance). A combination of and can help one to determine the true significance of fear and fear-inducing activities, and help one to ascertain the best attitude for oneself.

Sometimes that will mean getting past the fear, but sometimes it means acknowledging and valuing the fear, and finding another way that keeps one true to oneself.

Example One - I have a strong fear of approaching men that I am attracted to and indicating that attraction. Much easier to handle being approached than doing the approaching. Now, should I try to overcome that fear or not?

For years, I decided "not", for various reasons. First of all, it was easier, much less stressful in the immediate moment. If I thought that I'd never find a mate if I didn't do any approaching, well I could decide to be single, and I decided to create a nice, single life. Or I could think that the right guy would approach me. Or I could say that my fear was a sign that I wasn't ready for marriage, so that would mean it was a good thing, it taught me something about myself. Thus, I lived with the fear, or rather, the absence of fear due to avoidance of the fear-inducing situation.

But this solution ceased to be acceptable for a number of reasons, too many to go into. Suffice to say that once I decided the fear was interfering with my integrity and happiness, I pushed past it. Recently I asked a guy for his number, no big deal once I'd done it. I have overcome many fears in this fashion.

But if one is not willing to acknowledge their fears, or listen to what the fears may be indicating, that could lead to pain and unnecessary heartache and stress. I personally do not believe that fear is bad.

But sometimes I may decide that the fear is fine after all.

Example Two - I'm afraid to drive my parents' car. It's really big. It's difficult for me to pay attention to many things at once, as you must when driving. I strongly believe I'd be a dangerous driver. I like to be relaxed and laid back, not tense and in control of a multi-ton vehicle. I like walking. I live in a city and I like that. A very walkable city with excellent public transportation. I believe cars are bad for the environment though I pass no judgment on people who drive them (I better not, not after all the rides I've received).

I felt pushed to learn how to drive because everyone drives or at least knows how. I felt like I was unaccomplished, a baby because I didn't drive. So I was pushed to overcome the fear. I got a learner's permit, I tried it, I was afraid. So I thought about it more, and meditated, and reflected more over a long period of time. And I decided that I do not want to drive, and I won't let the judgments of others determine my life course. I'm right, I'd be a dangerous driver even if I could pass the test, because of my anxiety and lack of attention. I don't have to drive, don't want to drive, and it's my life. So yes, while I acknowledge that I am afraid, I have chosen not to "push past" it and learn how to drive anyway. I don't believe I have to overcome all fears. Fear is one more feeling, just like any other. I still love people I'll never see again, but I have not pushed past the love. It's a part of my life. I still can't stand certain things, and I won't push past it in the name of tolerance or peace or whatever. I see fear as the same kind of thing.

I think you’ve given a very lucid view here. In fact, it’s so uncanny that it has got me thinking. Especially that first example, it fits me to a ‘T’. I’ve always been one to observe others and wait for someone to approach me in social contexts. As a guy, let me tell you that this approach (or specifically the lack of it) is a long and lonely road.

A few years back, though, I did meet an unbelievable woman who showed an active interest in me. However, it was during a particularly dark time in my life. I didn’t feel I was useful to anyone or needed for anything. I was unsure of who I was and what I wanted from life. What was important to me? I figured it was precisely these questions that had to be answered before one could risk inviting someone else into the picture. Naively, I thought that everyone else’s busy, involved lives meant that they had already solved the puzzle of their self, that somehow in this respect I was to be found strangely lacking.

She, on the other hand, seemed to be everything I was not: self-possessed, relaxed, yet decisive. In other words, she blew me away on just about every level. I liked her so much and, because of that, I avoided her completely. What could I have possibly offered her, I used to ask myself. She was something special and I was a mess. It seemed to be the morally right thing to do in my mind, even though I wanted nothing more in the world than to know more about her. Perhaps just as persuasive was the lurking fear of how painful it would be to be rejected by someone I thought the world of. Looking back, I can see how mistaken I was, “living with the problem” rather than addressing it. I was foolish to think that I knew what she needed or even that I knew all I had to offer. As good as we may believe we know people or ourselves, there are times when you just have to reach out and try.