before you read this note that i am really confused at my own situation and if my story comes off as confusing i apologize, im not the best writer.
I had taken a myers brigg test or whatever a long time ago and took it recently and came up with being intj. Im really confused person right now though. Currently im struggling with depression, anxiety, and feel i will never be able to be satisfied in life. Im looking for answers and even though i know for some reason that your responses are going to do nothing to help me (as i feel my mind is already made up) im gonna ask anyway. Basically this is a synopsis of where i am today and how i got there. For the longest time, i believe i lived just to please my mom. My mother is asian and of course wanted me to be a "doctor or lawyer". Since i was smart (compared to my older sister) she had high hopes for me. I attended a Catholic school from kindergarten to 8th grade so i basically knew everyone in my classes for a long time. Now its really hard for me to remember, but I know that i was a popular kid for some reason and people naturally liked me i think. I didn't have to try really hard to make friends, they were just there if that makes any sense. When i got into highschool and didn't know anyone besides the few people that came with me from my old school, i began to feel some awkwardness around people (this later, much later i would recognize as social anxiety). I can remember times before school if i was early i would wait in the bathroom for the bell to ring because i was too scared to go into the cafeteria where everyone waited. Or i would sit in the library messing around on the computer. It is also at this point where I became aware of social groups, and i didn't seem to fit into anyone of them although i longed to be. I played basketball because i thought if i was on the team people would like me or i could make friends there. But my social skills were never there since i was naturally liked back in the day. Even so, i concentrated on school because i wanted to get into Duke University a life long dream. Anyways, I graduated and didn't make it into duke and started to attend UNC- Chapel Hill. Here again, I thought i could start anew and make friends etc. It was also at this point i started smoking weed because it was a way i could connect with others and make friends (note during all this time im still intj inside). I did fine my first year although i always credited it to easy classes. Summer came and i got caught with weed which started to stress me out becuase i thought if my parents found out they would disown me ( my mom that is) and since i was over 18 the cops didn't tell and i kept it under wraps. The start of my sophomore year I thought i could handle many activities and i drastically overestimated. My mother, always being stingy with money, influenced me ( and even now its gotten to the point where i worry about petty things like buying a snack at the gas station which costs more money than if i went to a grocery store). There was this computer program at our school that basically was a job that you helped people out with their computers and in return the school would pay for your housing...of course i wanted this to save money. On top of school, which btw i was taking biology because my mom wanted me to be a doctor, for some reason wanted to play basketball. If you don't know about UNC-CH... its where Michael Jordan played basketball. They have a JV team which is coached by roy william's assisant. Like dean smith coached jv before becoming a head coach. Anyways, i thought that if i played i could make friends blah blah blah. I tried out and made it which was an huge accomplishment to many that knew me but at the same time it was like having another job with practices everyday and games. So i was juggling school, a job, basketball, and life. Basically, I was so tired some days that i couldn't make it to my 8 oclock class nor study because sometimes i would just fall asleep. Towards the end of the semester i began to realize that i was probably going to fail, something i never had done before, and it was way to late to drop the class. On top of that, UNC randomly drug tests one athletic team and our JV is included since it was sanctioned by the NCAA. I had quit smoking for a couple of months while playing but one weekend decided to get high. That same weekend we got drug tested (worst luck because out of any team at unc they chose us). So, now i was worried about failing (knowing i would), worried that i was going to be kicked off the team (as well as there is a NCAA rule that says my coach would have to inform my parents and i was worried that they would find out) as well as started to realize the anxiety that i had around other people. I finished my exams and went home...
i remember distinctly one day my dad (intj) brought me home and i told him that i didn't feel i had any interest in life. That winter break was the worst... When i was starting to get back to school, something inside broke and i just started to cry and worry about school. I worried about not being able to schedule my time, i thought there wasn't enough time in the day to do everything, i worried that i wasn't smart enough all of a sudden ( and still do now). depression had settled in. I had to withdraw because i felt so bad. i started to see an psychiatrist ( which i thought wasn't helping and she was only doing it for the money) and take anti depressants. i really didn't see much improvement except for the fact that i wasn't inclined to cry. Everything still seemed like blah and i was still ambivalent to everything. It was only until i went out to lunch with a friend of my moms. For the first time in a while i actually sat there and enjoyed her company, i wasn't worried about "am i enjoying this" i just did. And i felt great after that. After a couple of months still on medication i stopped. I took two summer courses at school to try to catch up a bit. I registered for this fall and class began. I was sitting in a Computer science class which i had taken the prerequisite for over the summer and didn't under stand a word what was going on. It was then the anxiety started to creep back and the depression set in again. I had to drop to parttime now and even now i feel as if things are way to hard. I have started taking my antidepressants and just feel the same way, ambivalent to everything.
I don't know what my question is but have you guys ever seen an intj personality who hates being that? I think thats me. Like im so jealous when i see others out with friends having a good time and especially when i see other guys with girlfriends. Its not that im ugly, quite the opposite. I've had many a time where girls come up to me but the anxiety and everything... leads to nowhere. And college just seems extremely hard all of the sudden. I hate my dad in the sense that he is intj, an extreme loner. In fact, i believe he wasn't suppose to get married, just got lucky. Basically he put an ad in a newspaper which was replied to. I hate him just because he gave me his personality. I don't really know what im saying here but im having a struggle with myself and life sucks. In one sense i think im an intj, but i see others with friends just enjoying themselves and long for that. But i know thats never going to happen. Even at home, since my sister left for grad school, its me and both of my parents. I feel so sorry for my mom because at dinner and stuff, we are completely silent because of my dad and i. that bothers me partly because that must be so boring for my mom and because i wish for some reason i wasn't the way i am.
I don't really know how you guys are gonna respond but god life sucks, if i could kill myself i would but im too scared of death. Im scared of growing old, im scared of being lonely all my life. Like everything was going pretty well (at least academically) and then all of a sudden my life's crumbled.