ISFjs covering up their motivations and lying

**drd252** · 09-28-2007, 09:32 PM

Why would an ISFj feel the need to not disclose their true rational behind major life choices (such as moving across state lines), and instead present a seemingly plausible (though not ultimately true) reason? I could understand an ISFj doing so to people with whom they no longer wish to associate, however, what would compel an ISFj to lie in such a manner to family and close friends?

I'm confused...

**Bardia** · 09-28-2007, 10:42 PM

I remember once or twice when my life got so chaotic and uncontrollable that I felt like the best thing to do was just to push everyone out of my life and move away or just completely withdraw in. Maybe that is what this person was experiencing maybe not but if that is the real reason then he probably just does not want to hurt yours and his close friends/families feelings. He either thinks he wants to get away from everyone (or actually does want to) but he doesn't want to hurt thier feelings by telling them that he/she doesn't want to be around them anymore. It is easier to come up with an excuse than to hurt the feelings of the people you care about.

**Jarno** · 09-28-2007, 11:20 PM

Is this your really close friend ISFJ :wink:

Well my mom is an ISFJ. She doesn't lie much but when she does she is not aware of the fact that lie-ing is a very bad thing to do.
For us INTP's it's a sin. For them, well they just laugh about it.

But most of the times ISFJ are trustworthy.

**discojoe** · 09-29-2007, 03:29 AM

LYING AND YOU

AND ISFJS

**drd252** · 09-29-2007, 04:01 AM

Thanks very much for your replies, everyone, especially CoolGuy.

So, yeah, the ISFj to which I refer is my girlfriend, and yeah.

Thanks.

**Bardia** · 09-29-2007, 05:36 AM

Glad to help

**FDG** · 09-29-2007, 08:01 AM

What about going with her?

**FDG** · 09-29-2007, 08:04 AM

What about going with her?

**drd252** · 09-29-2007, 09:29 PM

Originally Posted by FDG

What about going with her?

Not an option, besides, she's already moved.

She didn't like it too much when I told her that I decided she was lying to me, and didn't want to talk to her, in order to figure things out. I'm the only person she's told her actual reasons for moving, and she feels like I've betrayed her trust by "throwing it back" in her face; ugh. At least we agree that we have miscommunication issues... Goddamn j/p conflicts!!!

*EDIT*

Any advice on how to get her to realize that I haven't betrayed her trust would be GREATLY appreciated.

**Warlord** · 10-03-2007, 04:13 PM

Originally Posted by Jarno

For us INTP's it's a sin. For them, well they just laugh about it.

I would disagree. In case of INTp's, it variates a lot how dishonest the person is. There's potentiality of an INTp being highly devious. And also INTp's have natural skills of being the best liars.

But to the original question, to add to what already has been said:

- She might be unsure of her motives.
- Or deluding herself, because she doesn't want to admit the real reasons.

**marooned** · 10-03-2007, 04:30 PM

Perhaps it's not wanting to reveal one's true feelings due to feeling vulnerable? Perhaps it's to spare someone else's feelings (whether or not it actually accomplishes that)?

**discojoe** · 10-03-2007, 04:54 PM

I seldom lie, though I used to chain-lie when I was wee.

**FDG** · 10-03-2007, 05:08 PM

Originally Posted by drd252

Originally Posted by FDG

What about going with her?

Not an option, besides, she's already moved.

She didn't like it too much when I told her that I decided she was lying to me, and didn't want to talk to her, in order to figure things out. I'm the only person she's told her actual reasons for moving, and she feels like I've betrayed her trust by "throwing it back" in her face; ugh. At least we agree that we have miscommunication issues... Goddamn j/p conflicts!!!

*EDIT*

Any advice on how to get her to realize that I haven't betrayed her trust would be GREATLY appreciated.

Act like you didn't, then after she's back in a good mood, excuse yourself.

**drd252** · 10-03-2007, 06:38 PM

Originally Posted by Warlord

Originally Posted by Jarno

For us INTP's it's a sin. For them, well they just laugh about it.

I would disagree. In case of INTp's, it variates a lot how dishonest the person is. There's potentiality of an INTp being highly devious. And also INTp's have natural skills of being the best liars.

But to the original question, to add to what already has been said:

- She might be unsure of her motives.
- Or deluding herself, because she doesn't want to admit the real reasons.

Yeah, in the aftermath she revealed that she didn't really have her motives solidified and couldn't express them in words, which is why i interpreted her half-rationalized motives as lies in light of her fully-rationalized motives.

Originally Posted by Loki

Perhaps it's not wanting to reveal one's true feelings due to feeling vulnerable? Perhaps it's to spare someone else's feelings (whether or not it actually accomplishes that)?

Exactly, she felt vulnerable in revealing her motives to me, and the ensuing chaos resulted from me totally misinterpreting the situation.

@FDG:
First she felt betrayed, then she was mad, I apologized, then she was just hurt; now I think everything is alright

Am I correct in identifying this situation as a j/p conflict? Or is it more like my

just jumping to conclusions, and hurting her

, or something?

**FDG** · 10-04-2007, 04:29 AM

No it's because both of you are negativists introverts in my opinion. For example a positivist extravert would have reacted in a different way (actually two ways: either pushing the situation towards another direction, or completely adapting to the new situation)

**drd252** · 10-04-2007, 05:15 AM

ugh, i'm going to have to read up on the negativist/positivist thing; I don't agree with it, from what little I remember from briefly reading about it.

**n0nex1stnt1** · 10-16-2007, 06:18 AM

Originally Posted by coolguy89

I remember once or twice when my life got so chaotic and uncontrollable that I felt like the best thing to do was just to push everyone out of my life and move away or just completely withdraw in. Maybe that is what this person was experiencing maybe not but if that is the real reason then he probably just does not want to hurt yours and his close friends/families feelings. He either thinks he wants to get away from everyone (or actually does want to) but he doesn't want to hurt thier feelings by telling them that he/she doesn't want to be around them anymore. It is easier to come up with an excuse than to hurt the feelings of the people you care about.

There was a lot going on with me back home, and I didn't really think that anyone really needed to know the full reasons. Thank you for you insight. You explained it better than I could have.

**machintruc** · 11-06-2007, 10:31 PM

ESI aren't really liars, they're just manipulators... For example, my ESI father likes to make others feel guilty...

**drd252** · 11-06-2007, 10:40 PM

How are lying an manipulating different???

By lying, one influences others in a manner inconsistent with the facts, or manipulates them; one cannot manipulate another without skewing or obscuring the truth.

**machintruc** · 11-06-2007, 11:06 PM

Originally Posted by drd252

How are lying an manipulating different???

By lying, one influences others in a manner inconsistent with the facts, or manipulates them; one cannot manipulate another without skewing or obscuring the truth.