ENFps in a relationship seeking new relationships

[Republicus]

I have noticed that an ENFp I work with seems to be actively exploring the possibility of a romantic relationship with me. All well and good, but what confuses me is she has a boyfriend that she lives with! This behavior of seemingly seeking out new romantic relationships while in a relationship does not sync with my understanding of the NF temperament.

Seeking new relationships while in one also seems to contradict what is said about the NF’s “personal commitment” to their relationships. I have read NF types seeks “all-consuming” relationships, and in bad relationships attempt to maintain them. Often “rationalizing the others behavior” and “internalize the relationship problems”. However, the ENFp may dream of “greener pastures”. I was under the impression this was an either/or behavior for ENFps: Either they are jumping from relationship to relationship unable to stay focused OR they stay with one at a time even after that relationship are bad. So, the questions are according to the theory:

A) …does the ENFp engage in fantasies of new romantic possibilities while being emotionally engaged in a relationship?
B) …does the ENFp pursue new romantic possibilities while being emotionally engaged a relationship?
C) …when engaged in a relationship, but unhappy with it, does the ENFp seek new relationships before the current one has formally ended?

Most importantly. If yes to any of these, is this not contrary to their character?

[indigoroom]

Yes x3
From my experience this is quite typical.. especially among the immmature ENFps. I even know two married ENFps/ISTp couples in which the ENFps are chasing after INTjs despite the kids and all the stuff. Honestly I feel sorry about the people in relationships with the ENFps I know.. But I do believe that someday my opinion ( That's why I haven't written in the INFp/ENFp contrary thread.. ) will be changed by some well-adjusted and balanced ENFp and blabla..

Most importantly. If yes to any of these, is this not contrary to their character?

It isn't IMO. But let's see what the others think...

[MySaviour]

I think they tend to get raveled within their safety net.. so if they are unhappy in a relationship, they'll probably try to find another one to jump into, before taking off. I think it would be hard for them to just leave with no place to go. But again, this may only apply to the immature ENFPs, as you have said.

I think I read somewhere that a type either feared being alone, or feared rejection. If ENFPs tend to prefer looking for approval and having people like them, then there is only a correlation with the fear of rejection, but there is a direct support for the fear of being alone.

But who knows, I've seen many different things in this regard. Nothing definite.

[MySaviour]

And I was curious about the word "ravel:"

rav·el (răv'əl)

v., -eled also -elled, -el·ing -el·ling, -els -els.

v.tr.
1. To separate the fibers or threads of (cloth, for example); unravel.
2. To clarify by separating the aspects of.
3. To tangle or complicate.

v.intr.
1. To become separated into its component threads; unravel or fray.
2. To become tangled or confused.

n.
1. A raveling.
2. A broken or discarded thread.
3. A tangle.

--I've never seen a word contradict itself before.

[ENFPaaron]

could b the enfp u are talking about is just flirting for the hell of it, we're good at that, dont know whether that fits w/ the nf personality type but me and most enfp's that i know tend to flirt w/ everybody, even if we have no romantic interest

[Slacker]

I get crushes on guys. I would never cheat on my husband but if I have a crush on someone I'm guessing he knows. Well sometimes I've been very well aware that he knows and I'm just careful to maintain a bit of a distance. But, if I were in a relationshp with major troubles and/or I had an immature attitude about my relationship, I can see myself being seriously tempted to either a) cheat or b) actively persue another person with the intention of dumping whoever I was with for him before the new relationship became physical. I'd be able to rationalize that one away if I didn't actually have sex with the new guy until I broke it off with the old one. Sorry - I know it's bad but I would be able to do it if I were in a bad or not great relationship.

In case my husband reads this . . DON'T WORRY HONEY! I'm not after anyone!

[Cone]

Because of female ENFps playful dispositions, they can sometimes go over the top without realising, which often provokes a strong response from males. If they see the males taking their behaviour seriously they may try to halt the proceedings. If this is insufficient they can resort to physical action.
www.socionics.com

So the general rule is, if an ENFp seems to want you, she doesn't.

[ENFPaaron]

So the general rule is, if an ENFp seems to want you, she doesn't.

hahahahahahaha
i love it
so true of the enfp girls i have met

[Rocky]

The guys do it too. My IEE guy friend won the "Most Flirtatious" Senior superlative.

Maybe this is why an IEE-SLI relationship could work? The IEE is so easy, and the SLI is hard.

[NeonMonk]

Yeah the guys do it too. I'm living proof!

[Republicus]

The maturity issue is one that I have seen mentioned in personality profiles, but not to any great depths. Is there anything within personality types where an underdeveloped skill or ability would explain “immature behavior”? It would seem that each type would manifest it differently. I am missing information, so forgive me if that question is confusing.

A lot of interesting points have been brought up, and raised another question. I had considered that this behavior was simply the way this ENFp reacted with everyone. What, in my mind, separated her behavior was body language. I have frequently encountered situations where someone is saying one thing, but their body language contradicts it, or at the very least doesn’t support it. However, the NF types are supposed to be highly in tune with their body language.

Does this awareness cause a difference in it’s use?
If an ENFp is flirting as usual, would it be backed up with body language?
Any thoughts on how body language is, if at all, related to type and or usage by types? I have read some information on how it affects hand gestures.
And is body language simply another form of expression that we all use to communicate, or is it more indicative of our subconscious thoughts?



Personally I am an INTj, so I try not to communicate with my body, except in explicit situations and I try to maintain as much control as possible. This awareness of my body language is cause by my desire to not use it though.

And links you may have you help to. I have the major websites, but I know there is an enormous amount of information on personality types on the web.

[Creepy-]

A) …does the ENFp engage in fantasies of new romantic possibilities while being emotionally engaged in a relationship?
B) …does the ENFp pursue new romantic possibilities while being emotionally engaged a relationship?
C) …when engaged in a relationship, but unhappy with it, does the ENFp seek new relationships before the current one has formally ended?

Most importantly. If yes to any of these, is this not contrary to their character?

I can only speak for myself:
A) very rarely, and only if the relationship is going through extremely rough times (and I mean the kind of rough times that would make anyone think about divorce). And I agree with Kim - don't all types do that?
B) No.
C) No.

I agree with Aaron: We come across as flirtateous even when we are just friendly. We smile, chat, stop, listen, etc.

That sounds plausible. And it isn't really an ENFP issue. It used to happen a lot to an ISFP friend of mine. In her case the problem was that she's really good at remembering names and things people told her about themselves, so when she meets people she'll ask things like: "And how did your exams go?" etc. A lot of guys used to misinterpret this.

[Topaz]

A) …does the ENFp engage in fantasies of new romantic possibilities while being emotionally engaged in a relationship?
B) …does the ENFp pursue new romantic possibilities while being emotionally engaged a relationship?
C) …when engaged in a relationship, but unhappy with it, does the ENFp seek new relationships before the current one has formally ended?

1) possibly but I'd have to be pretty unhappy
2)no
3)no
I dont know if an ENFP can stop fantisizing, espcially about something important to them. However, pursuing other relationships while in a committed relationship would not jive with my value system. I dont think that would be right.
Its common for ENFPs to be missunderstood when it comes to flirting. I am no exception. It seems certain people understand where Im coming from and some dont. Mostly Im just joking around and having fun with the people Im with. Some people are starved for personal attention, and if you give it to them its like a drug. They cant get enough. So I had to learn how my behavior was affecting other people.
I dont think ENFPs are easy (at least not in a sexual way) I think they are easy to befriend and get along with but I think most have a line they draw even though it may not be apparent to another person.
What is acceptable and what is not also has to do with a persons upbringing and how they respond to it as well. Also how they percieve themselves. Like other types not all ENFPs have had the same upbringing, values or lifestyle so what each one would do could vary considerably.

[ENFperator]

And is body language simply another form of expression that we all use to communicate, or is it more indicative of our subconscious thoughts?

I think it’s both of it. Even if a person is excellent at controlling his/her body, there always will be some nuances that displays the true inner state.

[schrödinger's cat]

The maturity issue is one that I have seen mentioned in personality profiles, but not to any great depths. Is there anything within personality types where an underdeveloped skill or ability would explain “immature behavior”? It would seem that each type would manifest it differently. I am missing information, so forgive me if that question is confusing.

I only know some MBTI stuff on that. One is by Doug Dean, and it can be found here http://psy.rin.ru/cgi-bin/eng/razdel.pl?r=28 (you've got to scroll down to find the links to his articles, they're called "types under stress"). I’ve got the other text only on paper and in German, but I did a rough translation of some bits of it so you can see what it’s about. Hope it helps. The text is aimed at people who are new to the MBTI, so it’s not very in-depth. And my translation is only a rough draft; some of the words are probably too strong or too weak, but the general meaning is correct (I hope).

I did the ENFP description (because that’s what this thread is about) and the INTJ one (because we probably all relate best to our own type and that makes it easier for us to see if a description is correct or so-so or total BS). I wasn’t sure if a socionic INTJ is MBTI INTP or MBTI INTJ, so I did both.

ENFPs:
F underdeveloped = a lot of enthusiasm for many different things, but not enough energy to put insights into practise
N underdeveloped = act strictly according to personal value system without gathering enough information. Don’t trust their own insights, become insecure and rely too much on the judgment of others.

S and T underdeveloped = don’t bother about necessary routine tasks and details; have difficulty saying no to people; are not realistic about their own inspirations and about people around them

General frustration and stress because individual can’t use his/her gifts and be appreciated for it = easily distracted, no follow-through, try to do too many things at once; rebellious, uncooperative; ignore time limits and correct work procedures.

INTJs:
T underdeveloped = can’t put ideas into practise
N underdeveloped = don’t gather enough information or perceive only those things that fit into their theories. Act and decide on the basis of insufficient information.

S and F underdeveloped = ignore facts and details that don’t fit into their scheme of things; play intellectual games, quarrel about abstract subjects and/or terms of no practical significance to anyone else; don’t sufficiently take into account what consequences their actions have for the people around them; can’t praise others, have difficulty approaching people

General frustration and stress because individual can’t use his/her gifts and be appreciated for it = become arrogant and curt, don’t share their insights with others; when others can’t immediately follow their train of thought, individuals become impatient, narrow-minded and inflexible.

INTPs:
N underdeveloped = don’t gather enough information, live in their inner logic thought systems and have difficulty expressing their ideas or putting them into practise
T underdeveloped = have insights and inspiration without thinking them through objectively or integrating them into a whole

F and S underdeveloped = don’t take into account that others need information and emotional closeness; think that something they or others feel is important doesn’t really count because it’s „illogical“; don’t sufficiently take into account what consequences their actions have for the people around them; become impractical (neglect details like correct clothing, bodily needs or paying bills on time).

However, the NF types are supposed to be highly in tune with their body language. Does this awareness cause a difference in it’s use?

My guess is we're pretty expressive when it comes to using body language, and I suppose we can misread others when their body language isn't as expressive as ours. I've got one Introvert friend (probably INTJ) who, when she listening to someone, kind of freezes. Her eyes glaze over, her face goes blank, and she turns away from her interlocutor and stares at the wall without moving. I used to think it meant she was bored. -- I mean, we all misread others' body language constantly, because we apply to others the kind of rules that govern our own actions. I know several Introverts who think that Extraverts are "overemotional" or "overdramatic" simply because they aren't as UNexpressive as they are. It's just the same thing in reverse.

[Creepy-enfp rosie]

I am an ENFP and I would say a strong NO to all 3 questions. It simply goes against my values and sense of commitment when I'm in an exclusive relationship. If I'm unhappy in a relationship I will first focus on addressing that fact within the relationship - often trying too hard I am told - but at least that honours my sense of integrity and commitment.

It blows me away when other people line up the next person when they're still in an exclusive romantic relationship. This has happened to me and I still don't understand why the person simply can't say that their feelings have changed.

[jewels]

I am an ENFP and I would say a strong NO to all 3 questions. It simply goes against my values and sense of commitment when I'm in an exclusive relationship. If I'm unhappy in a relationship I will first focus on addressing that fact within the relationship - often trying too hard I am told - but at least that honours my sense of integrity and commitment.

I completely agree. I think it's awful to "line someone up" next, while you're still dating someone. I'd never do that. I do think that ENFPs need to feel valued though, and when I've felt ignorred or taken for granted, that's usually when I want to move on.

I do hate to be alone, so maybe that's why people "line up" the next person? Probably scared to be alone.

I guess this explains the girls that always have to have a boyfriend, huh? I've had friends like that.

Don't get me wrong, it does suck to be alone. But I think it's still wrong to do that people and immature (I hate to hurt others).

Maybe I'm too picky. But I do think it's important to wait for someone I really like, instead of going out w/ guys for a long time who are "kinda" what I want, and lining up the "next" ones while doing that. That'd be the easy answer I think.

Do you all think ENFPs pickier than other types? I'm really open minded about a first few dates, but I rarely keep seeing them longer unless they blow my socks off. I only really liked a couple guys I went out w/ and they ended up not being what I wanted either.

I wonder what types would go well with ENFP?

sorry if this post is depressing!

[Creepy-]

I think its hard for an ENFP to honestly answer that question even to themselves. I think an ENFP would definitely cheat and does consider cheating even in a relationship.

I remember seeing a survey on the Yahoo enfp site and almost everyone admitted at one time to thinking about it.

To act on it is a different story, and they would have to balance their benefits and the new boyfriend or girlfriend's benefits to the loss and damage to their current mate. So yea the relationship would have to be pretty bad.

I have to go pack now

[Topaz]

I think its hard for an ENFP to honestly answer that question even to themselves. I think an ENFP would definitely cheat and does consider cheating even in a relationship.

I remember seeing a survey on the Yahoo enfp site and almost everyone admitted at one time to thinking about it.

To act on it is a different story, and they would have to balance their benefits and the new boyfriend or girlfriend's benefits to the loss and damage to their current mate. So yea the relationship would have to be pretty bad.

I have to go pack now

I know thats you Icepick. You dont fool me