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Thread: Reconciling with an INTp

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    JuJu's Avatar
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    Default Reconciling with an INTp

    Hi everyone--
    Does anyone have any tips regarding how to reconcile with an INTp?
    An INTp was my best friend until several months ago, when in a burst of frustration I criticized the hell out of him--unfairly and cuttingly.
    Now I regret it and wish to become friends again... I miss his inappropriate sense of humor, among other things.
    A month ago, I said that I was sorry for criticizing him--begrudgingly, he accepted my apology; however, he still seemed really pissed off at me, (rightfully so,) and we haven't talked since...
    Any tips? I'd really appreciate some. (Partcularly some related to type. I'm an ENFp; INTp is my mirage relation.)

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    He will probably hold no grudges and easily accept you if you are honest and tell the truth. You don't even need to tell him that you are sorry, because he is not very interested in apologies. He is much more interested in clearing up misunderstandings. Analyzing the situation together in a detached way using logic and reason is what he might would like to do most of all.

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    i think it's important to let your INTp friend know that you are sorry and tell him why you did what you did. i don't think he will hold grudges anymore if he believes you are really sorry. personally, i hold grudges towards a person only if i feel that i've been wronged by him/her and it never gets resolved. it hurts to hold grudges towards a person, especially towards a friend.

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    Don't emphasize too much that you are sorry. It can backfire, because INTps are skeptical of that kind of "emotional outbursts". They are not really interested in whether you are sorry or not. They want to know how you reason, your arguments, whether you understand them or not, and whether they understand you correctly or not. Don't try to manipulate him emotionally.

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    my personal preference:

    don't get to emotional / touchy / feeling / close

    well you know what i mean.


    just say: hey man sorry about it, let's forget it and go on.

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    I think friendship reconciliation has a lot to do with individual preferences in addition to any type factors. My advice personally (which is obviously therefore from my own personal perspective and may not work for everyone, even though this should go without saying but experience tells me that if you assume things go without saying, problems ensue. But alas, I wilfully digress because I'm an egotistical bastard who likes going on monologues) is as such:

    - Sincerely explain to him that you regret what you said, and it was said purely out of anger and therefore you didn't mean it.
    - If he seems willing to reconcile things, take it slow and slowly rebuild relations between you; he may feel like a gap has been created so don't rush too quickly to bridge it.
    - If he doesn't seem willing, painful as it may be, you'll just have to let go. I'm not sure if all INTps are like this, but I know I can be very fickle in how I feel about someone - I once felt very close to an INFp, although following a single incident I became enemies with her.

    Good luck with things either way. One warning I will give is that if it doesn't go successful now, try to break things completely if you can. I say this because if it doesn't look hopeful, if you keep trying to reconcile things it may simply annoy him even more. It's tricky ground, but good luck either way.
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    My opinion would be to contact him about something entirely unrelated and act as though all's forgiven (since you already apologized, right?). I think you'll know pretty quickly if the friendship has a chance. Even if he's not super warm right away, you should give him the benefit of the doubt that he's forgiven you and moved on. Maybe he's still peeved OR maybe he's just busy and doesn't feel like getting criticized again (just kidding). If it were me, I wouldn't want it rehashed or mentioned anymore. I'm not INTp but INFp Ni-subtype is kinda close.
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    Does anyone have any tips regarding how to reconcile with an INTp?
    yes, to avoid appearing too hurt by what you said he's probably withdrawn, possibly forever. it's better to be the one to leave than the one to be left. not sure about other INTps, but for me it's hard to take an apology seriously. it's easily faked. it seems to me that many people apologize only to appease others or themselves. even so, if they DO really feel remorse and a desire for reconciliation, i wonder what it accomplishes and what might be expected of me after their part of the apology is over. i will not come weeping or acting as if i was dying to reconcile even if i really wanted to for a long time. i may tend to act completely disinterested as if i hadn't given your insults a second thought.

    i often forget people's offenses against me, as long as they are relatively minor. a verbal attack on the core of my being might be tolerable as long as the parameters are clearly demonstrated to me if any attempt at reconciliation is made. if actively hurt or feeling the emotional floodgates swaying, i certainly would not want to confront the issue and risk saying things impulsively or getting sucked into the emotional scene, then immediately regretting it. the moment when you insulted me has passed. i know that by initiating a discussion on the matter now i am inviting you to hear me say all kinds of foolish, impulsive things which may have little bearing on my actual desired outcomes. i avoid the formal apology in most cases. i have sometimes sensed that at any second a person will offer an apology, then fled the scene.

    so, you are sorry for insulting your INTp friend. my best advice is to not mention the insulting words you said at the time (unless he mentions them first or appears bothered or wants to talk about what actually happened). INTps like to initiate a discussion on this sort of potentially uncomfortable topic (if it is to be discussed at all) rather than to have someone spring one on him. it is sometimes necessary for him to mask feeling hurt in an analytical tone. so rather than talk about the particulars of the incident, just approach him casually. perhaps message him about a magazine article he'd like or something else innocuously related to his interests (which might allow him to see that you are not going to act awkwardly or bring up the past incident in a manner which would cause him to feel a lack of emotional control). he is probably hoping that you will not bring it up, and that you will wait for him to initiate bringing it up, and of course he hopes that you will act comfortably around him / won't in any way pressure him to talk about it or become profusely kind to make up for being insulting. these things are actually probably greater insults to the INTp then your former insults.

    he will be quite cautious because he has not yet tested whether or not the insults you hurled were at all reminiscent of the truth. yes, there are certain "insults" that can easily be written off as having no effect, but others should be considered more seriously, even sometimes those which have no serious effect.

    my guess is that he will eventually want to talk to you about the incident (most likely after things are normalized between you) so that he can turn it into a bit of a humorous anecdote or an analytical sounding afterthought such as "no big deal, but what was your impression of our argument the other day...? this way, he can appear not too invested in your answer until he is ready to trust. yes, he remembers the impact of your insults, if they had any. but chances are, he does not care to remember every detail of what happened, who said what, or what event triggered the insults. he would need to know a couple things, though, before he responds well to you, and is willing to continue associating with you.

    of predominant importance to the INTp in many cases is :

    were the insults true/warranted? if he believes they are (which is all that really matters at that people because he is a solipsist anyway), then he will need to consider the reasons and possible ways to avoid/confront a similar issue in the future. he will start to see which of his behaviors will most likely cause another insult from you...and choose whether or not to stifle those behaviors. becoming more informed/defended so as not to appear foolish is important to him.

    are the insults still true/warranted? this is very important because if they are related to some longstanding personality trait of your INTp friend, he will need to seriously consider whether he can stand the risk involved with further revealing himself to you if it means that you will think of him as deficient. he'd rather not be bothered with pity. do not console him or make your insults sound better than they were. do not apologize or address the issue more than once, if you must do it once. do not assume he was hurt. he may not have been hurt and even if he were very offended, would normally hate an issue being made of it. he cannot be bothered by such bullshit.
    whenever the dog and i see each other we both stop where we are. we regard each other with a mixture of sadness and suspicion and then we feign indifference.

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    u can give it a try- you'll need to prove that you're worth it for him to bring you back into his life- I would send him something he likes and then call him the day after he gets it. He'll think of you all day when he knows it's from you and it'll make him feel like you care enough- remember his suggestive function!
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    Heh very contradictory replies.

    And to not to make things any easier, here's another one

    I absolutely never reconcile or forgive (except maybe for very large amount of money ). But that's only in the case that someone has actually "assaulted" me in some way. But I'm not sure, if this could be considered one of those cases. Did the stuff you said have any (potential) real "damage" to him? Like affect his other relationships, make him look bad in public or something like that? That I probably could find inreconcible. Then maybe undoing the damage could work (nobody has ever tried, so I'm not sure).

    Probably all the answers given above are correct. It depends on the actual situation. What you have said excatly. And how you have behaved afterwards.

    So depending on the situation any of those could work: being over-the-top apolegtic, being slightly apolegtic, acting like nothing has happened etc.

    Are the things you said actually true? If so don't try to say you didn't mean it, because then you will also appear dishonest. Also in that case he might be angry that you haven't said anything before. Rather than at what you have said.

    Also I might have "forgiven" (I wouldn't have been hurt to begin with), but I might still be cold. Simply because I no longer consider the person worthy of my time.

    And when people insult me and it actually has some effect on me (usually it doesn't). I don't get angry because I'm emotionally hurt. I get angry because of the audacity that they think they can do that and expect to get away with it. In that case I basically need my revenge, before I could let it pass.
    ...the human race will disappear. Other races will appear and disappear in turn. The sky will become icy and void, pierced by the feeble light of half-dead stars. Which will also disappear. Everything will disappear. And what human beings do is just as free of sense as the free motion of elementary particles. Good, evil, morality, feelings? Pure 'Victorian fictions'.

    INTp

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno
    my personal preference:

    don't get to emotional / touchy / feeling / close

    well you know what i mean.


    just say: hey man sorry about it, let's forget it and go on.
    That's exactly what ESFps do....... Might want to take their advice.
    Suomea

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suomea
    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno
    my personal preference:

    don't get to emotional / touchy / feeling / close

    well you know what i mean.


    just say: hey man sorry about it, let's forget it and go on.
    That's exactly what ESFps do....... Might want to take their advice.
    INTPs never forget.

    Don't know what will work with this INTP. Can tell you what would work with me: someone telling me "i'm sorry" doesn't mean anything by itself. Explaining why you feel sorry for it (i.e. that you now see your criticism was unfair and you said things you didn't actually mean and do not actually stand at all), that would do the trick.

    Then of course the damage might be already done. He might accept your apology but still decide to cut off any ties. If this happens, it will be permanent and there is nothing you can do to change it.
    We are not exactly the most forgiving type out there..
    INTJ [mbti]
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grek0
    We are not exactly the most forgiving type out there..
    You're not wrong there!

    Even if he does accept your apology in some way, don't expect him to be as open. I tend to find that my INTp friend can make amends with people and talk to them again. However, she will be very hesistant to rekindle the same type of relationship she previously had with that person.

    Does anyone else find INTps to get upset over very little things? That happens with my INTp friend and I'm always profusely apologising to her....sometimes I wonder if she does that to test me or something?

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    Quote Originally Posted by shakealittle
    Even if he does accept your apology in some way, don't expect him to be as open. I tend to find that my INTp friend can make amends with people and talk to them again. However, she will be very hesistant to rekindle the same type of relationship she previously had with that person.
    sounds right

    Does anyone else find INTps to get upset over very little things? That happens with my INTp friend and I'm always profusely apologising to her....sometimes I wonder if she does that to test me or something?
    she could be getting upset because you are profusely apologizing.
    whenever the dog and i see each other we both stop where we are. we regard each other with a mixture of sadness and suspicion and then we feign indifference.

    Jerry, The Zoo Story by Edward Albee

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    Quote Originally Posted by shakealittle
    Does anyone else find INTps to get upset over very little things?
    What like exactly? I know sometimes someone might say something which seems like a little thing but happens to hit a sore spot of mine, in which case I'd get upset and withdraw. I think IXXps in general tend to be a lot more sensitive than they might let on.
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