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Thread: I am an INTJ and a nebbish

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    Default I am an INTJ and a nebbish

    I am an INTJ. I have tested myself over three times and come out with the same result.
    I have always had issues with the opposite sex. It goes back all the way to junior high. I would ask girls out but always would get rejected because I was the nerd. The same thing happened in high school. I asked this one girl to the prom. She agreed to go but ditched me at the prom itself. I was all dressed up with no date. It was a fairly embarrasing experience.

    College life proved troublesome as well. I would always haunt the library hoping to find a introverted "nerdy" type. I figured that I could relate to a girl like that. I had zero luck. I even had the misfortune of flirting with a girl who was newly married. Thank god I didn't run across the hubby.

    After graduating from college, I met up with an old platonic friend from h.s. It was kind of serendipitous. We hadn't seen each other in over four years. She was not on my mind at all. We met at the local video store.

    Well we got to see a lot of each other. We would go to the art galleries in town. We also went to the movies and to museums. We had picnics in the park. The real kicker for me, being an Intj, was the conversations. I am very guarded, but I was so comfortable around her that I discussed everything that was on my mind. She did the same. We had hypothetical discussions about sex, marriage, and relationships. I went into the relationship as just friends. But I was starting to fall for her fast.

    She would continually try to make contact with me. One day she gave me a neckrub out of the blue. There were other instances were she made contact with me. But what did I do? Absolutely nothing. I wanted to make a move but I was too damn scared. I was scared that I would become vulnerable. I was scared that someone may actually find me attractive.

    But I kept things in perspective. She would always talk about her exes in front of me. So I knew that she probably had no interest other than being just friends.

    I guess she was very comfortable around me because she invited me on road trip cross country. She was going to school in the east so I helped her with the drive. We had all sorts of discussions like the ones we had earlier. My god I should have made it clear to her that I wanted her. But I didn't. I was paralyzed with fear.

    Fast forward a month after the trip. I wrote her a handwritten letter telling her how I felt. The letter contained nothing about love, only how much I like her personality and values. I asked her if our relationship could have gone further.

    She replied that it couldnt. She still wanted to be friends though.

    I wrote her another letter clarifiying my comments to her about some mixed signals. I told her that it was my fault. I should have come out with my emotions.

    She wrote back saying that she would have made it known if she wanted to pursue a romance. She went on to say that she figured that I wasnt into her because I didn't make any moves. But she said that she stilll values my friendship.

    This all started on January 1st. Nine months of seeing her and I didn't make a move. I am pathetic.

    Why am I a nebbish? Why can't I overcome this? I desperately wanted her. I feel that INTJs, like myself, over-analyze situations to where they let things pass them by. I feel that is why I missed my opportunity with my friend. I could kick my own arse, if I could.

    I joke with my family and friends that I remind myself of Adrian Monk and Niles Crane rolled up into a Woody Allen-type of personality.

    I have always been a loner. But I really want to change. Being with my friend has made me want to have a woman's company.

    Are there any suggestions?

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    Why would you write a letter telling her how you feel... and then why would you apologize afterwards?!?

    .. I think the only thing weaker than writing your feelings in a letter is apoligizing for doing it.

    Suggestions?

    This all started on January 1st. Nine months of seeing her and I didn't make a move. I am pathetic.
    Didn't you really answer your own question here? Next time don't wait 9 months or be afraid to make a move... duh.

    ...to get this back more on track with socionics...

    http://the16types.info/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1394


    (I'd like to add that all of these topics about LIIs/INTJs are staring to make me sad...)
    MAYBE I'LL BREAK DOWN!!!


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    Rocky's posts are as enjoyable as having wisdom teeth removed.

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    edit
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    Default Re: I am an INTJ and a nebbish

    Quote Originally Posted by joegeo2006

    Why am I a nebbish? Why can't I overcome this? I desperately wanted her. I feel that INTJs, like myself, over-analyze situations to where they let things pass them by. I feel that is why I missed my opportunity with my friend. I could kick my own arse, if I could.

    I have always been a loner. But I really want to change. Being with my friend has made me want to have a woman's company.

    Are there any suggestions?
    yo man, i feel for you. This is the exact problem INTJ (us) need to over come. And I think there is no solution to this problem unless we change ourself to a different personality. Beucase this personality doesn't get us any friends, and no girlfriend. I would sacrify my logical structual thinking for friends and girl friend. What is the point of living if living unhappily.

    I have never had a girlfriend either, to top that off, everyday i told a girl that i like her, is at the time when she had to depart for college, different city, different job. God, intj (me) always DO when there is no time left for thinking. It was do it or lose it.

    ...(i will add some more when i have came up something)

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    I also have the same problem but not like yours.

    Okay first there is this girl that I really like but I really don't know how she feels. She will sometimes talk to me and other days she will totally ignore me. Sometimes she gets agressive and others she is as perky as a girl can get. The most annoying thing is that I can never get a time alone with her just to talk. I am also scared that she will reject me and embarass me so much.

    The one thing I wish I could do is just be able to talk to her and get to really know her.
    I think, therefore I am

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    thanks for the feedback.

    It is weird. I really got to know her. I felt so comfortable around her. I tried to make it clear to her that I 'liked' her. But it is the whole physical thing that gets to me. I had a hard time making my moves because 1) am a novice with women and 2) I was afraid I would make an arse of myself.

    I now know what I should do in the future (if it happens at all).

    I have changed many aspects of my life because of meeting her.

    I have become more physically fit. (I am trying to get into a volunteer program that ventures overseas-being fit is a requirement). We would always walk in the park or play tennis/raquetball together. I have lost over forty-five pounds. And I attribute some of it to being around her.

    I used to be so darn negative about things. But after having conversations with her I have begun to change my attitude.

    I use to laugh at spiritual things because I could never explain it logically. But I went to a church with her and saw her emotions. It effected me deeply.

    All of these things (and her beauty) have attracted me to her.

    I want to change on so many levels.

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    Edited for gayness.

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    Like my old ESTj girlfriend. And that was utterly horrible...
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    You've just got to make yourself not care and go for it, guys.

    Actually, if you make a move before you get really attached, you can get over someone quicker if they're not interested.

    Also, like I've said elsewhere, if you are confident in other areas, it will make you more confident when it comes to relationships. Desperate is not attractive...it's like a catch-22 unfortunately. Right now, I'm not desperate for a relationship, and so I can approach guys w/out being to scared (the nervousness never goes away, though) and I think guys find me more attractive.

    Listen to me... I used to be in the same boat. You've got to learn to like yourself better and believe that you are worth having.
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

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    again, thanks for all of the good words..

    I agree that I probably should have made a move before I got so attached.

    Also, I think it is true that some women find intelligence and genius attractive.

    She seemed to be curious in what I was interested in ( and my future career). --I want to eventually get my doctorate in geography and do research on cultural geographical issues.-- Sounds fascinating, Ha! She is the first girl who seemed to find my interests actually interesting. Go figure!

    I learned my lesson this time around.

    A few of my friends think that after a couple of years, we could become an item, provided that she isn't taken. It's all about time and longing. I don't know about that now. But I am glad that I got my feelings out when I did. I was very nervous before I wrote the letter. And I am a bit relieved that she wasn't offended my letters.

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    Edited for gayness.

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    Quote Originally Posted by joegeo2006
    Also, I think it is true that some women find intelligence and genius attractive.
    Oh yeah. :wink:


    And Transigent is right, who wouldn't like someone admiring them? Now, sometimes, if I'm not interested, it makes me uncomfortable or I feel bad for turning the guy down, but even if he's a jerk, I think I'd still be flattered.
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

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