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Thread: Advice? The Decline and Fall of an ENFp-ISTp Love

  1. #1
    JuJu's Avatar
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    Default Advice? The Decline and Fall of an ENFp-ISTp Love

    Hello everyone!
    I haven't been around in awhile, but I'm wondering if you'd be so kind as to help me out with some type-related relationship advice..?
    Here's the story:
    A couple of months back I was in a bad way, physically and mentally, (drug addiction and resulting frustration.) I'd just parted ways with an ISTp, (my first ever relationship of duality,) in an awkward way--largely because I was in such a, well, bad state. That said, I'd never had a more deeply fulfilling relationship than with this ISTp. Our mutually increasing craziness, however, led to declines in trust, increasingly expressed anger, disrespect, and mind games.
    (Yes, I know that all of this sounds bad--it was the first and, hopefully, only manifestation of this behavior in my life.)
    Anyway, at the beginning of July, folowing the demise of the ENFp-ISTp relationship, I began to casually date an ESFp. (I met her at a graduation party.) However, secretly, I wanted to get back together with the ISTp--I missed everything about the ISTp, and was using the ESFp as leverage. (Very pretty leverage, but leverage nonetheless.)
    *Yes, I know how sad all of this sounds. Pathetic, I agree.*
    Anyway, I rubbed my new relationship in the ISTp's face, but the ISTp could've cared less. Thereafter I said some things that I regret--disrespectful swears, attacks on the ISTp's character, etc.
    Although doing so felt good at the time, I now regret every word, and have for two months.
    I totally alienated this wonderful, beautiful, one-of-a-kind ISTp... (I was told never to call or text again.) It was the biggest mistake of my life!
    Last week my casual dating of the ESFp ended--we were still together when she moved back to college in Cali; however, she recently learned that I still loved the ISTp. (Essentially, she told me to F* off and I don't blame her at all.)
    This ESFp is a great person, and I'd love to be friends with her once the dust settles--I imagine that we will. However, the ISTp: the situation haunts me--as as strongly as it did the day after it happened.
    I no longer desire a love relationship with the ISTp--just communication. (Pathetic again, I know, but I found this relationship so enriching that I'll gladly eats its table scraps--the ISTp would agree too, I think, that the relationship was enriching.) That is to say, my intentions for both of us, the ENFp and ISTP, in making amends, are good.
    I've apologized to the ISTp several times--a few times half-heartedly (borderling boastfully) in texts, (flouting the ISTp's orders against texting, thus enflaming the situation,) and yesterday in a long, heartfelt message via Myspace. (Super pathetic, I know--I've yet to receive a response.)
    My question to all of you is: given an ISTp-type's tendencies, what's the best way to go about making amends..? And I don't mean in some cheesy flowers/chocolates sort of amends, but genuine amends?
    I want this ISTp to feel genuinely loved and cared about, as my love is genuine.
    Any insight into the situation would be helpful... Seriously, anything. Advice, tips, encouragement, (discouragement?) etc.

    I know that I'm a jerk for telling off a great person in the first place--but I'd like a second chance to treat this ISTp right. Does anyone have any idea as to how to go about getting it?

    Thanks everyone, for reading and hopefully respopnding. Sincerely, JuJu.

  2. #2
    meatburger's Avatar
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    Interesting story mate. Sorry im not going to be able to give you any useful advice on this one. Sounds like the ISTp has you by the balls. Im not suprised this happens at all. I knew an ISTp girl a while back and we were getting close. One time i questioned her character and we argued and bam. Escalation central. I also did what you did and apologised later to her but no response. I sent another one maybe 4-5 months after that and again no email.

    I hope you can sort things out but you might just have to let it go. ISTp's can forgive. My ISTp friend and i have had some pretty large arguments but we are still friends. Ive always held the power though. If the ISTp holds the power i think you could be in deep shit.

    Theres three options:
    Keep periodically saying your sorry giving it time in between (perhaps your Fi will work!)
    Stop contact and leave it and hope in your heart she comes back to you
    Forget it totally

    Honestly i have no idea if the first two options would work. I would go with option 2 personally. Go the tough route. I think in reality its unlikely to work though. Down the track in say some years you might run into her again. If you have maintained being tough and let her go she will probablly find you more attractive.
    ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)

    "And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin

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    aka Slacker Slacker's Avatar
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    I'm afraid to say that I think you should let that relationship go. If she told you to not call or text, you should take her at her word.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    Blaze's Avatar
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    agree with SM. you effed up. own it.

    unless you think that showering her with over the top stuff like flowers and dinners and gifts and apologies would help....but it sounds like she has become resolute.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    jessica129's Avatar
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    If she's not responding and told you not to call or text, you really need to stop and not continue this one-sided communication. If she really want's a relationship with you, she'll respond or initiate. Personally, if someone where constantly pushing me to communicate with them, I'd back off even more and be extremely annoyed....especially after you hurt her in the first place. I'd need some time to think things over without you. If you keep pushing it, i'm afraid it's only going to push her further away.

    As for forgiveness, I'm entirely too forgiving for my own good. I'll hold a grudge and may even be full of rage for quite some time, but the next day, forget anything even happened. I'm not saying all are this way, I generally just take a good relationship with someone as a very hard thing to come by and am willing to put up with a lot that I don't think most others would...but there are those lines that if you cross, I have no problem walking away and forgetting that person even existed. But yeah, good luck. One thing I've learned over time is that if you want a relationship to work, you gotta keep that anger in check and think before you speak.

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    Jarno's Avatar
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    I've had some sort of same experience.

    Because you are duals, the best way of getting together, is following your own feeling.

    When you are genuine, duality works at its best.

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    Park's Avatar
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    Since when are you ENFp? 0_o
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    meatburger's Avatar
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    @ Jessica. Yeah you remind me so much of my friend. He can do some annoying things at times, very independent and smart. Hes very forgiving though, we are likely to be able to withstand most arguments. His type seems to value good friends a lot.

    The other ISTp guy i know things are different. We can have verbal arguments etc but i have no doubt if things escalated our friendship would shatter into 1000 peices. Subtype differences i think.

    @Juju. When your ready get back on the horse. Try hard to get your life in order. You never know the ISTp might date some total loosers and you might start becomming missed.
    ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)

    "And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin

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    JuJu's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone--sincerely. Hearing this from you all helps me to put the relationship into better perspective.
    Thanks, again.

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