I know the guy who wrote these IRL, and I want to see what you guys come up with in terms of his type, based on the following. It shouldn't be too hard.
10 Reasons Why Carrots Suck
1) They make me choke.
2) They are orange. Only oranges should be orange.
3) They're cold and bitter... like my mom. Ohhhhh!
4) Baby carrots do not make them taste better. I'd rather eat babies.
5) Rabbits eat them. Why should I?
6) They don't make me see better. They just poke my corneas.
7) They make that loud irritating crack when you bite them.
8 ) Carrots sounds like karats. Why?!?!
9) Carrots rhyme with parrots, parrots hang with pirates, and pirates slaughter people for booty. Therefore, by the transitive property (this is where taking Algebra pays off) ...carrots slaughter people for booty.
10) Carrots have skin. And the more you think about it, you realize how much of a cannibal you are.
10 Reasons Why I Should Grow a Beard
Current mood: thoughtful
1) I would look rugged, like a lumberjack or some guy who works at Home Depot.
2) I would scratch it with a thoughtful look on my face, and people would think, "Wow, that guy must really be contemplating something. Look at how he scratches his beard."
3) Jeff Daniels has a beard.
4) I would vacuum it with a tiny vacuum when it got dirty. Then I would patent the world's first beard-vacuum and become a multimillionare.
5) I would request that people pet it, and when they declined, I would scream, "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO PET MY BEARD?!?!"
6) Abe Lincoln had a beard. Think about that.
7) If it was long and flowing, I would carry around a big-ass hourglass and call myself Father Time. I would also whip people in the face with it.
8 ) I would hide my candy stash within it, as well as family photos, receipts, and, oh, maybe a few knick-knacks, if I'm feeling adventurous.
9) Both Jesus and Santa have beards. Coincidence? I think not.
10) Because it's my body and I'll do what I want with it. So back off with that razor.
10 Reasons Why Dogs are Better than Old People
1) Dogs fetch the paper, old people just die in their sleep.
2) Dogs are happy when they see you, old people are old when they see you.
3) Dogs chase tennis balls, old people fall down and break hips.
4) Dogs lick your face, but when old people do that, it's gross (unless you're into that kind of thing).
5) Dogs voluntarily sit at your feet, while you have to force old people to.
6) Dogs eat dog food, old people won't eat dog food unless you tell them you'll kill them if they don't. But do it: it's really funny and totally worth it.
7) Dogs like belly rubs... well, so does my grandpa.
8 ) Dogs never say, "A storm's a-comin'!" in that creepy old person voice.
8 ) Dogs are fun to pet, old people's skin falls off in your hands.
9) Dogs jump up and grab frisbees in mid-air, old people fall down stairs.
10) Dogs jump in swimming pools and swim with you, while old people drown when you forget about them and go inside to play X-Box that one time when I was thirteen.
What do you all think of possible types based on these?