IEIs/INFps and having good social skills

[uninspired]

So fellow INFps and INFp observers, do you believe that INFps have good social skills? By "good social skills," I mean the ability to speak to and connect with others, maintain a decent social reputation (as in, "oh, that person's fun to be around and not an ---hole"), and make friends. The whole theory according to Socionics seems to equate with good social skills.
I say with complete earnestness that my social skills are unbelievably crappy, and unless I'm on my medication (which makes me more bubbly and outgoing) or approached by someone else, I have an incredibly difficult time meeting people. I have several close friends, but they've been friends I've known for years, and I've just started to find my social niche in my early 20s. Middle school, high school, and early college were complete social nightmares for me; I was alone most of the time and barely had any friends, mostly because I was so shy and almost nonverbal. I've also struggled with social anxiety, but it's dissipated over the years as I've grown to just not give a damn.
I will say, however, that when I'm around people whom I'm comfortable with I can be very effusive, expressive, creative, and talkative. I just don't express that around others; it takes a lot to gain my trust.
Anyone else care to share their experiences (and please let them be better than mine, haha)?

[Hector]

For all I can tell, I am an INFp and this description of yours would certainly fit me as well (except for the medication and the severity of the social anxiety). Anyway, I would imagine that this is the introversion part of our type expressing itself.

[eliphalet]

Haha, I was waiting for someone to make a thread on this.

My social skills are shiiiit. I can honestly say I've never made a single friend, they've all come to me. I don't know how to act around new people, so I avoid them as much as possible, around friends I can be as kooky as I want. Lately, I've been feeling left out at my new job, cause I just don't know how to connect with anyone. I mean I think they like me and all, 'cause I smile and laugh at their jokes and I'm just an overall friendly person. They're cool people, it's just overwhelming. I guess it takes someone like 2-3 years to get to really know me, I'm grateful for those who stick around that long .

It was really bad in elementary school. I felt that I couldn't control my voice. It just wouldn't come out sometimes, or be veery quiet when speaking. And I was perfectly fine at home, even loud and obnoxious. That went away over time, but I'm still pretty awkward in social situations.

I really hope I'll meet new people in college. Maybe some ESTp's finally Ahh, two weeks!

[uninspired]

Eliphalet, dear, I must say that I was exaggerating about the severity of my situation for dramatic effect (and because I was in a foul mood when I wrote this post, haha). But I can honestly say that things will get better, and that you have much more control over your situation than it seems. As you grow older you will realize the folly and the uselessness of caring about what others think of you (in superficial contexts, that is), and you will feel better adjusted and more comfortable being the kooky, fun person you are around your close friends. In other words, you will feel more comfortable being you.
I've also learned that not approaching others isn't always a fault if you're naturally introverted. It's useless to stretch your personality and pretend that you're something you're not, because in doing so you'll attract (or repel) those who aren't looking for what you have to give, and you'll drain yourself emotionally in the process. Rick has an article about this in his blog at socionics.us
The problem that you must address, however, is the worry and concern you feel in social situations. You can't criticize or beat yourself up for your natural responses to things, because from what you've described there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way in which you act. You must learn that people appreciate your kindness, your agreeableness, and your willingness to laugh at their jokes, because there are so many people who won't give them what you have to give. And I guarantee that once you become more comfortable and situated at your job, you will make friends. It just takes time.
But a word of caution: if you find that your quietness and shyness develops into full-blown social anxiety (true fear of social situations), talk to someone about it. If you don't, you'll be stuck with that problem a lot longer than you need to be stuck with it, and it will cause you unnecessary pain.

Anyway, the whole point of my making this post was to see if INFps out there actually had difficulty in social situations. Socionics makes it seem as though they have no trouble socially. Here are a few examples:
1. From INFp uncovered: "a likable appearance and a defenceless grin make it easy for an INFp to merge into almost any social group."
2. From Socionics +/- description: "Wherever you go you often create an atmosphere of elation and optimism."

Eliphalet, best of luck in college! And I promise you that you will make friends; maybe not 50 or so, but you will have at least 3 whom you can count on and have a great time with.

[eliphalet]

Thanks. My current situation might be a little exaggerated as well, but that's just what we do isn't it Yeah, I mean it's not soo bad, and it's definitely getting better not worse. I guess socionics is allowing me to become more comfortable with the idea of mee.

In my opinion it's pretty hard for people to hate an INFp, we don't really give them reason to, unless it's uhm deliberate. If that makes any sense at all.

Haha, I've been told I have a funny looking grin, but I had no idea this was helping me make friends .

[Blaze]

well this entp thinks infps' social skills are pretty good. infp's hardly ever have any enemies. they are usually very laid back and easy to get along with. they use their Fe like a well worn tool and usually can get the mood flowing in group and one to one situations.

that said, they are usually quite introverted and like to spend time alone. you have to go to them, they don't like to initiate. they also are extremely individualistic and nonconformist, so while this could seem on the surface like it's socially unskilled, i don't think it usually plays out that way. extraverts love introverts...and other introverts tend value introversion as well, a la "it is better to remain quiet and be thought a fool, than it is to speak and remove all doubt." hahaha i should take a lesson... :wink:

members of the delta quadra might react negatively to an infp, but other than that, most people like them and get along with them. they keep their controversial opinions to themselves if they assess that expressing them won't get them anywhere.

[aka-kitsune]

well this entp thinks infps' social skills are pretty good. infp's hardly ever have any enemies. they are usually very laid back and easy to get along with. they use their Fe like a well worn tool and usually can get the mood flowing in group and one to one situations.

FWIW, I'd say I don't have enemies, but I have frequently had nemeses.

Laid back until the direction of the group goes somewhere I don't want to go. Won't "go along" to a movie I don't want to see, won't go to Olive Garden under any circumstances, etc. I have no difficulty begging off group activity in that case.

members of the delta quadra might react negatively to an infp, but other than that, most people like them and get along with them. they keep their controversial opinions to themselves if they assess that expressing them won't get them anywhere.

Would you elaborate as to why you think deltas have difficulty with INFp? I do relate to the last bit about keeping my opinions close if there's no point in expressing them. Although, sometimes, I find myself rather more than willing to express my values forcefully if I feel someone is denigrating or disrespecting them.

[Blaze]

Opposing quadra stuff. Conflict, quasi-identical, contrary, and superego relations. Delta quadra is quite conservative; infp's are your nonconforming individualists and subscribe to the idea of eff the man. Delta loves the man, delta is the man in a lot of cases.

My mother is an estj and my man is an infp....she has not met him yet and I'm not looking forward to it when she does. I could see her thinking he is lazy or shiftless or full of shit or something, because she won't value what he values. Not that I really care all that much, I mean, I am 43 years old I shouldn't have to explain myself to my mother lol.

I guess your nemeses could have been estj's? I would think so.... hahahaha I can just totally see those interactions.

Yes I definitely agree that infp's can sorta call up their Se dual-seeking forcefulness. I've seen this a bunch of times. It's so cute :wink: . But generally unless they have a strong opinion, I experience them as pretty laid back.

olive garden....they charge way too much for what they serve, pasta, geez. the stuff's like 2 cents a pound. plus they're so chain-ey. hahaha i try to support locally owned businesses rather than national chains. screw starbucks.

[Gilly]

Beta is "the man" almost as often as Delta. Although it depends on which "man" we're talking about.

[Elro]

well this entp thinks infps' social skills are pretty good. infp's hardly ever have any enemies. they are usually very laid back and easy to get along with. they use their Fe like a well worn tool and usually can get the mood flowing in group and one to one situations.

FWIW, I'd say I don't have enemies, but I have frequently had nemeses.

Uhh, what's the difference?

[Blaze]

Beta is "the man" almost as often as Delta. Although it depends on which "man" we're talking about.

it does depend on which type man for sure.

[idealistichick]

i think my social skills suck!

[nerv_damage]

INFps seem to think they have horrible social skills and I used to have the same problem. Now I'm like the INFp described here

1. From INFp uncovered: "a likable appearance and a defenceless grin make it easy for an INFp to merge into almost any social group."
2. From Socionics +/- description: "Wherever you go you often create an atmosphere of elation and optimism."

I am the Fe subtype though and I do see how the Ni subtypes have more trouble. They just don't approach anyone which is fine because it should attract Se-ESTps and isn't that all that really matters. I've noticed I make myself a little more noticeable because that way I attract Ti-ESTps. In the end just be yourself and you should attract those that you are meant to attract.

[XoX]

well this entp thinks infps' social skills are pretty good. infp's hardly ever have any enemies. they are usually very laid back and easy to get along with. they use their Fe like a well worn tool and usually can get the mood flowing in group and one to one situations.

FWIW, I'd say I don't have enemies, but I have frequently had nemeses.

Uhh, what's the difference?

Umm...enemies are real but nemeses you create in your head, lol.

[uninspired]

You can get along fine with some Deltas (esp. nonconforming ENFps and ISTps, and even INFjs). As for your conflictor, you just can't totally be yourself around them. You have to adjust to minimize conflict, and then when they're out of your sight, cut loose!

[redbaron]

You can get along fine with some Deltas (esp. nonconforming ENFps and ISTps, and even INFjs). As for your conflictor, you just can't totally be yourself around them. You have to adjust to minimize conflict, and then when they're out of your sight, cut loose!

Yup, I get along really well with non-conforming ISTps but all the INFjs I know are very conservative (including my mother) and I sometimes shock her. Not that I'm that wild either!!

[redbaron]

Social skills.....mine pretty much mirror a lot of what's already been said. I was very shy in elementary school through high school unless I was around my good friends. In college I was considered a bit snobby I think mostly because I had high standards for the music I would listen to and I didn't bounce around with all the social groups, I preferred one on one or smaller groups of people. Now that I'm older (ahem.....36) I find that I can be a lot more sociable than ever before. It really does get better with more confidence and age. I actually enjoy parties now and find that I can talk to almost anyone. And when I'm around close friends, I definitely can appear extraverted. I think that some people who have seen me talking to a close friend from afar are shocked to see how effusive and expressive I can be. That said, if I'm really tired (like I was for oh two years straight after having my twins), I skip the social stuff altogether.

[BerberElla]

I had pretty good social skills 10yrs ago, was uber popular, made friends really quickly and easily. Never felt nervous approaching anyone, went to parties all the time, did the hostess with the mostess when I had the parties, was out all the time making new connections. This is between the ages of 13 - 20.

Now, my social skills are flat lol, people approach me, and I just don;t make any effort as I am not interested in interacting with anyone. I have one friend that I maintain contact with, and it could be 6 months between each time I see her.

Don't get me wrong, when I am forced to socialise, which is very rare, I can be the life and soul of the party, talkative, friendly and such, but I rarely bother as like I said, socialising isn't on my to do list right now.

[So Crazy]

Im an INFP.

People love me...

I am happy...yet I am soooo sad.

Woe is me

Woe is me...

[ScarlettLux]

Shut up to the above poster.

Anyhow.

I don't have very good social skills at all either. It is really varied and strange. I have much more self-confidence than I did say, two or three years ago, but it is still extremely difficult for me to really say what's on my mind - especially in a new group of attractive people. Yes, there I said it. Attractive people. They really intimidate me. The less attractive you are, the more I will be able to converse freely with you. Is that normal? I don't understand this about myself. It's as if I think attractive people will be more likely judge me and say "oh, she's unattractive" than others... yeah, I know I'm screwed up.

This shows up in my social anxiety. Large groups of what I deem "powerful" people really scare me. I need someone there to really set me at ease or something otherwise I just can't say anything that's on my mind for fear of judgment. Gah! However, last year, I had this really awesome group of friends that I was totally comfortable with (all males and oddly enough, I am still more comfortable around males and seem to have a tendency to gravitate towards them like a feeling of security...) Now that they have all graduated/drifted/broken apart from me... well, I have really come to realize the extent of my social ability around attractive strangers in a group situation. It's horrible.

With random strangers one on one, I will be extremely talkative. I can totally myself out, just pump it up and charm people who are responsive to it because I don't care... I think I can impress them. One on one, I can be very, very charming. I have this thing against talking to people openly in public with a lot of people around. Again, I feel judgment and don't want to talk about anything that might be construed as embarrassing, etc. I just can't be myself entirely in a crowd. I can only be myself when in a small circle of close friends or just one on one.

I hate this fact about myself - the fact that I care so much about what others are thinking about me. I wish I could let it all go and just live life but I can't. I'm making it sound much more of a deal than it really is. If you were to meet me (anyone on this board) you would never believe I am a shy person. It is only in certain situations that the truth of my social skills comes out. Otherwise, I come across as quite confident and even intimidating. It's very confusing, even to me.

[normal]

As a SEI I agreed with almost everthing above. 'Powerful' people really worry me. They make me feel insignificant. But, the way as SEI work with is based with their personal physical state. When Im really concert about myself, I'm very self-confident. (Anyway, it's wasn't the case)
Maybe because they tend to use more make them 'static' in the real life and people would look them more weird and people run away. They have to work their Ni with people, not stay only all day dreaming and worrying about emotional state.
I understood the anxiety of Scarlettlux. In my perpective, when I dream I get anxious as long my dreams invade and dominate my inner world. I don't want to call it 'paranoia' but it's something like that.

Somehow, dreaming made me sometimes forget painful things (even thinking at the most cruel and horrible daydream).

[aka-kitsune]

I hate this fact about myself - the fact that I care so much about what others are thinking about me. I wish I could let it all go and just live life but I can't.

I relate to this Scarlett-- very much my experience of myself as well. Self-conscious, overly so. Also meant to say that what you're going through with your guy problems is very very familiar. I'm in a bind myself overthinking a current attraction. I would have thought by my age (I'm many years older than yourself) that I would have gotten more confident with my relationships with the opposite sex. But it doesn't really go away, doesn't habituate.

Sorry if that comes off as a downer. But I think it's a function of being naturally introverted, learning to extrovert to "get by" in the social scene but never really feeling quite comfortable with it. Also -- I think it's quite clear that you're also an ennea-4, and the all-encompassing obsession with intimate relationships seems to come with the territory.

I'm making it sound much more of a deal than it really is. If you were to meet me (anyone on this board) you would never believe I am a shy person. It is only in certain situations that the truth of my social skills comes out. Otherwise, I come across as quite confident and even intimidating. It's very confusing, even to me.

Me too. I sometimes feel myself as "forced" socially. Like I'm driven to lighten situations with wit, anecdotes. Infuse some positive atmosphere, while focusing myself as the emotional hub. But at the same time, I'm equally self-conscious about bringing attention to myself.

And of course, I find myself wondering whether I might be more attractive if I just were quieter and kept to myself more often.

[Mea]

I hate this fact about myself - the fact that I care so much about what others are thinking about me. I wish I could let it all go and just live life but I can't.

Ok. Since you do care, my friend and I think you're very pretty. Serious. (friend also a forum member)
So now go live your life knowing that you're pretty!

[ScarlettLux]

I hate this fact about myself - the fact that I care so much about what others are thinking about me. I wish I could let it all go and just live life but I can't.

I relate to this Scarlett-- very much my experience of myself as well. Self-conscious, overly so. Also meant to say that what you're going through with your guy problems is very very familiar. I'm in a bind myself overthinking a current attraction. I would have thought by my age (I'm many years older than yourself) that I would have gotten more confident with my relationships with the opposite sex. But it doesn't really go away, doesn't habituate.

Sorry if that comes off as a downer. But I think it's a function of being naturally introverted, learning to extrovert to "get by" in the social scene but never really feeling quite comfortable with it. Also -- I think it's quite clear that you're also an ennea-4, and the all-encompassing obsession with intimate relationships seems to come with the territory.

I'm making it sound much more of a deal than it really is. If you were to meet me (anyone on this board) you would never believe I am a shy person. It is only in certain situations that the truth of my social skills comes out. Otherwise, I come across as quite confident and even intimidating. It's very confusing, even to me.

Me too. I sometimes feel myself as "forced" socially. Like I'm driven to lighten situations with wit, anecdotes. Infuse some positive atmosphere, while focusing myself as the emotional hub. But at the same time, I'm equally self-conscious about bringing attention to myself.

And of course, I find myself wondering whether I might be more attractive if I just were quieter and kept to myself more often.

Ahh, there is no doubt in my mind about my type now. You & uninspired have truly proven that to me with your replies to my posts. Thank you so much for your comments. Both of you have said that you relate almost entirely with me and things that I have said about my life and troubles, etc. It's really great to have the feeling that others out there are there right with me and I'm not alone in all this craziness I hate being self-conscious and I wonder if it will improve any time soon with age but seeing what you said, lol, I'm not all that confident. It has gotten better for me (massively) over the course of 3 years though.

Yes, I am definitely Ennea-4. It's almost sickening to be a SEXUAL Ennea-4 ... holy fuck lol. I don't actually feel forced socially... I like to create a positive atmosphere, but hey yeah you're right, I do actually feel obligated to do so... as if that is my purpose in a social situation - to lighten things up and make others feel comfortable. There is something uninspired wrote in one of her pms to me about social skills that I think is absolutely brilliant and that a lot of IEIs would relate to. I'm going to quote it, hold on.

[normal]

totally 4 ennegram.
Cheer! :wink:

[marooned]

One of the reasons I had been thinking I wasn't INFp was because I thought INFp's were supposed to have stellar social skills. I really don't have stellar social skills... I was starting to think that the IEI is this person who wanders through the world waving their Fe flag and putting all emotional atmospheres into a state of pleasant tranquility. Um... So I don't know how to tackle this question. I personally tend to not contribute much socially... I often start falling into the role of emotional manager... but I may be hesitant once in the role because I might not know the best way to help... there are so many ways, and not all of them will work out. Anyway I think I'll stop before I confuse myself.

[zenbrat]

Ummm... I don't think obsession with intimate relationships constitutes Enneagram 4. Both Ennea 3 and 4 are obsessed with being loved. The combination makes for a person who lives and breathes through their relationships with people. Love and positive feedback are like oxygen. Anything less, and we die a little on the inside.

I am a 3w4 soc/sx. My I/E is 50/50.

The status (and existence) of my romantic relationships affect my 'energy'. That seems to affect whether I test ENFp or INFp. Both descriptions fit but I'm not a 'romantic' in a "wine and roses" sort of way. I think that stuff is hokey and rather uncomfortable to endure. However, I am a dreamer, inspired by beauty, the Arts and universal truths, but I'm also a social Psychologist of sorts. I hate parties and I need time alone everyday because I get sick of people, but I also need daily interaction w/my significant other(s).

I'm probably a "socialized" INFp. Extraversion is most likely learned behavior, in order to meet more people and feel more love.

[Expat]

One of the reasons I had been thinking I wasn't INFp was because I thought INFp's were supposed to have stellar social skills. I really don't have stellar social skills... I was starting to think that the IEI is this person who wanders through the world waving their Fe flag and putting all emotional atmospheres into a state of pleasant tranquility.

How does "who wanders through the world waving their Fe flag and being keenly aware of, and sensitive to, people's emotional responses and attitudes to the INFp in a longer-term way" sound?

[marooned]

This can work: "wanders through the world keenly aware of, and sensitive to, people's emotional responses and attitudes to the INFp in a longer-term way"

[sigma]

What's with this poor social skills of IEIs? I think that's just an "optical illusion"
Ok.. I might not have tones of close friends or I might be reserved in a unfamiliar situation BUT this doesn't necessarily equates with poor social skills. If someone approaches me, even if he/she is a stranger, I think I can handle it very well and even create very good conversation if the subject/person is right.
There are tones of ex-colleagues still remembering me and when I meet them I'm almost always greeted with a smile. I must have done something right back when I was in school.

I've been complimented on my storytelling even if some agree that I get lost easily and wonder off sometimes.

Lately I've discovered the whole "self-help" field and I'm started ingesting huge amounts of information from this field.
Believe me when I tell you, if I start speaking about how to improve certain aspects of life or about how to make money... people listen!

Poor social skills on an IEI might be just a silly IEI self evaluation! How about opinions from the NON-IEI of the Beta? How do they see us? Are we really socially inept?

[ScarlettLux]

No! Honestly, all the IEIs I know are well-liked, if not the MOST popular of people - they are generally regarded as very sweet, not able to harm anyone. Usually have quite a good circle of supportive friends around them and good with strangers.