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Thread: trying to become the dual of your romantic interest

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    Default trying to become the dual of your romantic interest

    Does anyone find themselves trying to morph into the dual of their romantic interest, especially after being exposed to Socionics? I've tried to play the part of ENFj around my ISTj friends, and even ISTp around my ENFp ex-boyfriend, but eventually became exhausted because neither were my natural inclination.
    I've noticed that some people on this forum seem to change their type frequently and arbitrarily, and I can't help but wonder if wanting to accommodate their non-dual love interest is one of the reasons why. Thoughts?
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    As long as you are really honest with yourself about things, it is not a problem. I think a lot of it is natural. When I thought I was INTj, I tried to see people as ESFj more so,and I could get away with it, but I think that was mostly because I really did not know socionics well.

    Ultimately you get to a point where you really just want what is best for you, and you have to pursue that with sincerity. Yet if you are not so sure about your understanding of socionics, or your type, it is easier to fudge things, IME.

    I never questioned my type (form INTj) until I really started having more and more experience with other people, and became increasingly dissatisfied with dealing with ideas in my own head and not being involved and active in things - not working meaningfully - not being productive. And then I realize I was not IJ, or Ti, or Merry. And then I had experiences with my dual, which, really brought things out more clearly.

    So it is somewhat of a process. You also have to account for things like the maturity and health of other people, and how much you are compensating real compatibility for attractiveness, easiness, your own indulgence or perception of need for sex or a relationship, and so on.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Default Re: trying to become the dual of your romantic interest

    Quote Originally Posted by uninspired
    Does anyone find themselves trying to morph into the dual of their romantic interest, especially after being exposed to Socionics? I've tried to play the part of ENFj around my ISTj friends, and even ISTp around my ENFp ex-boyfriend, but eventually became exhausted because neither were my natural inclination.
    I've noticed that some people on this forum seem to change their type frequently and arbitrarily, and I can't help but wonder if wanting to accommodate their non-dual love interest is one of the reasons why. Thoughts?
    Finding yourself interested in someone new is a form of self-discovery. I don't think it's wrong or bad to wonder about your own quadra values when someone seems to be stimulating you or it sorta "feels like" they're filling your 5th and 6th functions. The 5th and 6th functions are unconscious, so it's hard to tell until you've actually experienced long term relationships with people who fulfill those functions. Long term means beyond the honeymoon stage, which lasts between 6 months and 3 years. It's been said that it doesn't last as long when you're with your dual as it does when you're with someone of another type (assuming the relationship even lasts beyond that point).

    It's sort of irritating that people see it as a negative thing when people "change" their types. I think it's wise to seriously consider as many types as it takes to find your actual type. And for people who are more difficult to pin a type on, sometimes there's no way that could know until their relationships play out and they can look at what's happened and evaluate it. It's difficult to understand duality if you've never experienced it, much less your specific dual pair. And then of course there's always the fact that a lot of people don't really understand Socionics until they've been studying it for a while, so as their knowledge of Socionics evolves, their types may as well.

    Of course, there's nothing wrong with figuring out your type early on. I think this is easiest for people who have had a dual in their family or have been in a relationship with a dual. And typing mature people will generally be easier than typing teenagers, young adults, and people who just never grew up for whatever reason.
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    I don't think people are changing their types arbitrarily. I think we have a lot of young people here and as they become more independent and have to live in the world differently, they become more aware of their strengths and weaknesses, and become more aware of what type they're likely to be.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    Another aspect of what you're talking about... maybe the point of this thread... if acting like a person's dual in a relationship with them because that's what they need and want. I've been in some pretty unfavorable relationships (Socionics wise), and I can attest to how exhausting it can be. Contrary especially, in my experience.
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    Default Re: trying to become the dual of your romantic interest

    Quote Originally Posted by uninspired
    I've noticed that some people on this forum seem to change their type frequently and arbitrarily, and I can't help but wonder if wanting to accommodate their non-dual love interest is one of the reasons why. Thoughts?
    I have actually thought this aswell sometimes so your not alone

    For about a millisecond i thought about pretending to be my exes dual but i realised it was a bad idea
    ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)

    "And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin

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    I wonder if I might have mistyped myself if I'd heard about Socionics before I met my husband? Living with your dual accentuates who you are IMO. It could be that people meet their dual and realize that the relationship is duality and find out that this dual is helping them with something they hadn't recognized they'd valued so much, and that's given them clues as to their type. Or something like that.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom
    I wonder if I might have mistyped myself if I'd heard about Socionics before I met my husband? Living with your dual accentuates who you are IMO. It could be that people meet their dual and realize that the relationship is duality and find out that this dual is helping them with something they hadn't recognized they'd valued so much, and that's given them clues as to their type. Or something like that.
    I actually highly doubt it. I have realised that ENFp's are blessed a little in socionics in that way. Because of our interesting strengths and our obviosly felt weaknesses, in addition to NeFi i actually believe we are the easiest to type ourselves. The cool thing about Fi is it tells you how you feel about someone else and gives you a big clue of how they feel around you. That means if you can type enough people you can use your Fi to ensure that your right.

    Thats of course with vanilla socionics. If ENFp-INTj's etc really do exist it all goes out the window
    ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)

    "And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin

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    Oh yes. My obsession with an ENTj f*cked me up big time. I was not myself and started acting and thinking out of character, almost to accomodate her. I couldn't keep up the for long, went back to being myself, then wished for an ESTp more than ever -- everything I said to the ENTj should've been saved for an ESTp who actually needs to be reassured that he/she is not as bad as he/she thinks.

    I doubt I would've allowed myself to be carried away by like that if it weren't for knowledge of socionics + the pressing circumstances + my unhealthy state at the time + loss of control over emotions, compounded by her being my supervisor. It hadn't happened for a very long time, being an aspect of myself that I wanted to bury.
    “I think, therefore I'll think" - Ayn Rand (ESTp, UR GUARDIAN ANGEL)

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    relationships with quasi-ids & contraries are absolute torture & satanism.

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    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    relationships with quasi-ids & contraries are absolute torture & satanism.
    Oh yeah... it's like no matter how hard you try with Quasi, you just never GET what they're trying to say... it seems like a big pain in the ass to even attempt conversation. You're not on the same wavelength somehow, and everything they say seems like boring smalltalk. That's my experience with INFjs.

    ENFps on the other hand.. better in the wavelength department, can have okay conversations but somehow, every ENFp that I have ever had close relations with ended in utter disaster. I used to be friends with a huge group of ENFps, very tight-knit, mostly male, and nearly all of them turned on me after being really close with me and affectionate... Beta and Delta.. it's just pretty scary


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    Yes, but it's really tiring and hard work. Almost impossible.
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    Default Re: trying to become the dual of your romantic interest

    Quote Originally Posted by uninspired
    Thoughts?
    I tried this recently. What a mess.

    Some people shouldn't handle fireworks, others shouldn't handle type theory.

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    on quasis--

    yeah i think sometimes, these conversations can be very interesting, but there is a point where you just can't go any further. I knew one Ni INxp (at the time calling himself INTp) and we had a discussion about religion. Many questions were asked, and then it was as if we both knew there could be no furhter understanding. Odd, but that was one of the most satisfying conversations I have ever had. I was able to "complete" a line of understanding and know that it was complete

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    Default Re: trying to become the dual of your romantic interest

    Quote Originally Posted by force my hand
    Quote Originally Posted by uninspired
    Thoughts?
    I tried this recently. What a mess.

    Some people shouldn't handle fireworks, others shouldn't handle type theory.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom
    I wonder if I might have mistyped myself if I'd heard about Socionics before I met my husband? Living with your dual accentuates who you are IMO. It could be that people meet their dual and realize that the relationship is duality and find out that this dual is helping them with something they hadn't recognized they'd valued so much, and that's given them clues as to their type. Or something like that.
    This could be true (I dunno, never lived with my dual) but I also think that as you mentioned before it's also a product of age/maturity/life experience. I think it's awfully hard to type younger people and I'm sure that's where some of the confusion comes in.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I do not see the point to trying to change your own type -- but then again I am not one for feeding myself lies to make things seem pretty. I have my idealism, but running away from the truth is fatal. In the past I tried to see some people as "ESFj", when in reality, they clearly are not.


    Knowing your type makes the dating games a lot easier, IMO. Just look for your dual, or someone who is reasonable enough and you are willing to put up with their deviations. Absolutely do not change yourself, though. Two variables makes understanding nearly impossible.

    Besides - why would you want to lie about your type anyway? You are just depriving yourself, and the other person, of really finding their dual, or someone who they are truly compatible with. It is better to not waste so much time.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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