ISFps, ISFjs & hurt feelings

[astralsilky]

Which type is more inclined for their feelings to be easily hurt: ISFps or ISFjs?

[Expat]

Please say precisely what you mean with "feelings".

I'm serious.

[Gilly]

I think both have to have pretty thick skin generally, because ENTx say silly, tactless, unintentionally downright rude sounding things more than any other 2 types in the socion

[FDG]

I think both have to have pretty thick skin generally, because ENTx say silly, tactless, unintentionally downright rude sounding things more than any other 2 types in the socion

ahahh yeah, all IxFx actually have thick skin

[astralsilky]

Please say precisely what you mean with "feelings".

I'm serious.

No problem. I'll try.

First, let me qualify this by saying that, while I'm not thick-skinned, I also do not consider myself to be a person who's easily hurt. Therefore, I'm trying to understand the emotional natures of people who claim they are ... and what is going on inside the people who say "my feelings are easily hurt" in the course of casual interaction.

As an example, one ISFj family member of mine is easily offended by statements in a way never intended. You can make a comment or state a concern, and she easily finds ways to twist its meaning and personalize it such that her interpretation implies some "gross deficiency" in her own character. Then she withdraws (e.g., getting quiet and uncommunicative), act sullen and as if she was worth nothing and "her opinion no longer matters." This is very frustrating and makes me sad, because now I don't even know WHAT sparked this change in her mood and behavior. So I usually try to discern the problem by subtly forcing interaction, beyond her comfort zone yet not overwhelmingly so, coaxing her while I quietly, mentally recount events in trying to piece the puzzle together to know where I went wrong and how to help her out of her funk - to clear up the misunderstanding. Then, the crowning insight that crystallizes the whole issue is usually sparked through a sarcastic quip of hers. And then I try and "set the record straight." This might be an extreme example. She doesn't react like this with me alone, but with everyone in her life. For example, she will isolate longtime friends for "offenses" which I often believe were never even intended by the other people, and if they KNEW that her hurt existed and what it was over, they'd probably be surprised and may want to rectify things. She also regularly tells me stories of office incidents during which she takes personal offense over things that I believe the other people can't possibly have meant (or so it appears based on the minimal data she presents). I'm always trying to encourage her to build more emotional walls so this stuff can roll off her more easily, and so she can get through her days more happily and effectively.

But I think people who are "easily offended" may experience it in any number of ways, depending on their make-up, life experiences, personal issues, etc.

redbaron recently stated that ISFps also "can get their feelings hurt easily," potentially contributing to their social inhibition. (Reference thread: ENTps, ISFps & socialibility)

So I'm trying to understand all this more, in general.

[Slacker]

Hmm the ISFps I know will flash back if you upset them and then get over it. The ISFjs will stay controlled, and might be upset a bit longer, but will soon decide you don't know what you're talking about and argue about it for a while. But I don't know if either of them stay hurt for a long time.

[FDG]

As an example, one ISFj family member of mine is easily offended by statements in a way never intended. You can make a comment or state a concern, and she easily finds ways to twist its meaning and personalize it such that her interpretation implies some "gross deficiency" in her own character.

Very unhealthy Fi...it's mostly a matter of lack of health than type.

[astralsilky]

As an example, one ISFj family member of mine is easily offended by statements in a way never intended. You can make a comment or state a concern, and she easily finds ways to twist its meaning and personalize it such that her interpretation implies some "gross deficiency" in her own character.

Very unhealthy Fi...

Agreed.

it's mostly a matter of lack of health than type.

Or maybe a combo of the two ~ meaning, how extreme one's behavior can get when a dominant (or perhaps either ego) function is afflicted through experience.

[FDG]

Or maybe a combo of the two ~ meaning, how extreme one's behavior can get when a dominant (or perhaps either ego) function is afflicted through experience.

That's true, but I have seen a very very mild manifestation of that behaviour in healthy ISFj's - they understand immediatly when they are told the right explanation - and an extreme manifestation in a very unhealthy one - that was able to "stop talking to you" 3 times a day, and then change her mind - I don't even think it can be considered something as easily taking offence because it's everything in their head.

I've seen something inbetween the two in my mother, I've also seen the fluctuations - she does it more when she is stressed, but the behaviour becomes almost absent when she's okay.

[astralsilky]

Or maybe a combo of the two ~ meaning, how extreme one's behavior can get when a dominant (or perhaps either ego) function is afflicted through experience.

That's true, but I have seen a very very mild manifestation of that behaviour in healthy ISFj's - they understand immediatly when they are told the right explanation - and an extreme manifestation in a very unhealthy one - that was able to "stop talking to you" 3 times a day, and then change her mind - I don't even think it can be considered something as easily taking offence because it's everything in their head.

I've seen something inbetween the two in my mother, I've also seen the fluctuations - she does it more when she is stressed, but the behaviour becomes almost absent when she's okay.

FDG, do you feel "supervised" by her functional ISFj-ness, above and beyond what's normal in mothering? (That is, wrt to you being possibly being an ESTp, which btw I still don't believe you are.)

Silent treatments as punishment, yes. I have experienced silent treatments from the aforementioned ISFj for days, even weeks, when I didn't even do anything wrong.

(The behaviors I've learned in response to situations such as these may have strongly contributed to my own F/T uncertainty over the years, in terms of what I've come to value wrt relating to other people (maybe even defense mechanisms, overcompensations, etc.))

[FDG]

Or maybe a combo of the two ~ meaning, how extreme one's behavior can get when a dominant (or perhaps either ego) function is afflicted through experience.

That's true, but I have seen a very very mild manifestation of that behaviour in healthy ISFj's - they understand immediatly when they are told the right explanation - and an extreme manifestation in a very unhealthy one - that was able to "stop talking to you" 3 times a day, and then change her mind - I don't even think it can be considered something as easily taking offence because it's everything in their head.

I've seen something inbetween the two in my mother, I've also seen the fluctuations - she does it more when she is stressed, but the behaviour becomes almost absent when she's okay.

FDG, do you feel "supervised" by her functional ISFj-ness, above and beyond what's normal in mothering? (That is, wrt to you being possibly being an ESTp, which btw I still don't believe you are.)

I don't know, I don't like to be around her when she's in a bad mood because she'll criticize me and I'll lash out venomously (I cannot absolutely take criticism); when she's in a normal-to-good mood, it's okay though.

Silent treatments as punishment, yes. I have experienced silent treatments from the aforementioned ISFj for days, even weeks, when I didn't even do anything wrong.

This is something I've never experienced, I'm pretty skilled at getting them to talk (by bothering them to death - getting them to talk doesn't meant POSITIVELY talk).

[astralsilky]

btw, see edit in previous post

[Hugo]

Which type is more inclined for their feelings to be easily hurt: ISFps or ISFjs?

Both but in different ways.

[astralsilky]

Which type is more inclined for their feelings to be easily hurt: ISFps or ISFjs?

Both but in different ways.

Care to expand on this?

[jelly grass]

i don't really know in comparison to an ISFj...
and i'm not sure if this would be considered "easily hurt" or not. actually, it probably would. anyways..
it hurts my feelings when i'm in a group and everyone or a couple people are laughing at me for something...or making fun of me. even if i know that they're not trying to be mean, and they don't mean it in a MEAN way.. it still hurts my feelings.
and i think i take things personally too much. if something i like or do is insulted, or looked down upon.. since it's a part of me, it will hurt my feelings.

but i can get over things pretty quickly. if the thing that hurts my feelings doesn't last long.. and the people are being nice, i'll get over it and start having fun again.

[ISFPman]

ISFp's to not have thick skin. We get hurt easy and often if we put ourselves out their. Getting hurt is one of the deepest fears of an ISFp because we feel deeply so we do not reach out that often. If you say ISFp's are thick skinned you do not know us well. Maybe people only think that because we do not expose ourselves very often.

[normal]

Just in my case, I get easy hurt but I at least I can 'run away' from that situation, recover energy, face again that person/situation.
My biggest fear is HURT People.

[normal]

My brother's wife is ISFp, and she's easily hurt and also don't want to hurt others.

But I think ISFp have a great sense of forgiveness too and are strong at resolving the pain others have caused them.

That's correct. I can forgive really easly and forget the past to start a new thing with that person.