I used to fantasize about having a lot of resources. When I was a young kid, I thought about having lots of food stockpiled in this large building, so much that if I decided to go take some out, nothing will really change, that is in the near future if I ever need food again I can still take it and have abundance left. And I would only truly enjoy eating my favourite food if there was still some of it left. If there is really little of something that I really like, I tend to put off consuming it, sometimes to the point of losing the desire of eating it, but not purposely for that reason. Most of the time, someone else will come along and eat it, so abstaining from consuming nice food just because there is a lack of it is rather stupid from a logical point of view. There is another childhood fantasy of having large stockpiles of jewels, and showing it off to my friends. Somehow having lots of resources seem to turn me on.
I usually fear approaching people. Even simple contact, like saying hi, seems hard to me. For example, I will think how weird it sounds, and how I probably don't want to say hi anyway, thus it's probably gonna sound like an insincere hi. But then I try anyway. I still greet people. Next comes their reactions. For the most part, I interpret it negatively unless the person smiles while saying hi back. I dislike disturbing people from their current position. As long as someone looks busy doing something, I will prefer to wait until the person approaches me, or approach the person when there will be almost zero chance of rejection eg. the person looks bored. When I do approach people other than these two times, I feel that the communication is awkward. In the presence of strangers, I'm rather cold and uncomfortable, wishing for the time to come when I can get away from this stranger and either spend time alone or spend time with my close friends who I know for a sure fact don't mind streaks of strangeness and streaks of quiteness. I know that most people don't mind strangeness and quietness but I do. People (i.e. those who are not close friends) who behave in provocative ways mostly irritate me as I prefer not reacting because it will either mean telling them to stop behaving the way they are or behaving in the same way as them, one is a compromise on another person's freedom which I fear to compromise on and another is a compromise on my freedom which I know will turn out weird and other people will view insincere, therefore the lack of reaction. When there are people that my friends and I hate, I am able to disable them with words quite sharply. But as long as I am robbed of the reason to hate someone else because my friend is this person's friend, or I am the friend of this person whom my friend hates, I will not even bother to involve myself in the position. I used to have a group of close friends, now I only consider 1 person my close friend.
I am bad at making plans for the future because I do not enjoy considering the consequences. However if I knew the consequences from an outside source, my decision making process will be much sharper instead of taking a blind poke at the future just because I have to make a decision. To some extent, I fear the future very much especially when I know that it involves me relating with other people. It's painful just thinking about my awkwardness in all situations that involve people other than my family or that one close friend that I have. Most of the time if I cannot get away from this people by either absorbing myself in work or physically distancing myself, I simply sit back and view people. I am rarely in the participating process and if I am and I recieve good response, I become very happy. Similarly, if I receive bad response, I become very withdrawn and self-doubting. Sometimes I become so fearful of people that I almost become psychotic and delusional, thinking that everybody is against me and that they have formed an alliance against me. This has occured thrice in my life so far. One time, I was feeling grandoise instead, thinking that everyone likes me and I can do anything I want to. The rest of the times when I'm not feeling delusional or grandoise, I would be rather depressed over how detached from people and incapable I am in general.
I enjoy working very hard for periods of time, but usually I am unable to sustain it due to impatience. I work until I feel physical discomfort that is almost unbearable, then I stop and take a good break, either that or I 'dip' myself lightly into work and then out again, usually accomplishing nothing due to the fear of pain that I know that I will probably put myself into. So when I'm not in a 'work hard' mood, I will usually only perform activities that give quick rewards like playing games (thankfully I'm not involved in drugs or smoking or else I may become addicted quickly), or things that are easy to do that give almost no challenge. I am generally not too good at organizing, and sometimes even the simplest tasks take a long time to complete. Half of the time I will be confused over what I'm doing and the other half I will be wondering about what other people will probably do and lamenting over my incapability.
I am not too able in considering other people's point of view, but I am able to consider mine very well. I can only consider another person's point of view when I sincerely care for that person. If I don't, I know what hurts that person and I can make that person feel really miserable if he or she starts threatening my space. I realized that I don't really articulate when people are pissing me off. People describe me as someone who looks really tough but is soft inside. I feel pain when I lie, so I rarely do, even when it comes to white lying. The only time when I lie is to other people about my feelings. That is because I don't want to compromise their happiness unless they seem really concerned, sincere, and seem able to take a 'no'.
The future to me seems very bleak, and before I make a move involving people, I usually consider the ways, the exact words they might say if they want to hurt or reject me. I guess that's how I'm so good at hurting others, because I usually think in terms of pain. I can provide pleasure well, but I don't really consider it much.
That's about it.