I'M SO DONE

[Blaze]

With waiting.

This is a relationship we are in. I'm not your wife, I'm your girlfriend. It not appropriate for me to wait longer than this.

It's been a week since we last talked. At first this felt like a puzzle, then a test, and then a punishment. Now it feels like a mean game.

I need to talk and listen and communicate with you. This is me: off anti-depressants, off drugs, off alcohol, and a year out of my divorce. I've experienced the ultimate betrayal from my ex husband and so in a relationship I need some reassurance in order to develop trust.

I've decided that I'm in the relationship. I'm willing to follow you anywhere. I will SEEK and find spiritual growth with you.

But I cannot do it without communication. YOU decide: we can either start communicating or YOU will have to release ME, because I can't do a relationship that's in limbo. But I will not make this decision, since I AM IN. YOU must make the decision. Right now.

[Blaze]

C'mon people I'm dying here. No I didn't ask any questions, but you know comments??!! Does this sound like the illusionary relationship it is?? WTF are my needs realistic? Give me some insight into why I should or should not do this.

jeez. what do I have to do? jump up and down???

[Elro]

jeez. what do I have to do? jump up and down???

Yes. And a couple of backflips would be swell, also.

(To be honest, I wasn't sure if you were directing that at someone here or what, so I stayed away.)

[Blaze]

jeez. what do I have to do? jump up and down???

Yes. And a couple of backflips would be swell, also.

(To be honest, I wasn't sure if you were directing that at someone here or what, so I stayed away.)

no. it's a sample of what i want to say to the infp man if he doesn't call by the end of the weekend.

[jessica129]

Good luck with those INFP's, they're an interesting bunch.

No but really, it's all a game. They will say they don't play games, but it's all a game. The more you put into it and the more you care, the worse you get treated. Have you called him and he hasn't returned your call or has he not even called you at all? What is this about?

[xyz]

I kind of agree, even *I* wouldn't wait a whole 7+ days before calling someone.

(And if you WERE his wife, he'd sure be calling more than once a week...)

[Sentineneve]

[jessica129]

There's no excuse for someone to not call in a week. After about that 4 day mark, you really have to start to wonder what's going on. I wouldn't sit back and wonder. Call him and ask what's going on..it's better than sitting and torturing yourself staring at your phone. He may be completely oblivious. Gotta set your pride aside sometimes. But I don't know enough about this situation...

[xyz]

There's no excuse for someone to not call in a week. After about that 4 day mark, you really have to start to wonder what's going on. I wouldn't sit back and wonder. Call him and ask what's going on..it's better than sitting and torturing yourself staring at your phone. He may be completely oblivious. Gotta set your pride aside sometimes. But I don't know enough about this situation...

Yeah dude ring him up and be like "EY!" And he'll instantly know he's been acting like a fart monkey.

[Sorc]

This reminds me same as i have now (i am male and i calling girl we had great time, after me calling next day with question" How are you today? bla bla bla want me to come along?) she not answering...... Dunno what type she is but she might be ISTj/ISFj/ISTp as well, and i cant explain but i have few guesses/feelings about it.... mabby i needed to tell " i want to come to you" .....dunno ... we'll see ..... mabby its just check .... every moment my mood changing ... but all you wrote is sounds very similar to me, when i am on your place....
btw i have experience, and know that ISTps can behave this way too...

[Blaze]

There's no excuse for someone to not call in a week. After about that 4 day mark, you really have to start to wonder what's going on. I wouldn't sit back and wonder. Call him and ask what's going on..it's better than sitting and torturing yourself staring at your phone. He may be completely oblivious. Gotta set your pride aside sometimes. But I don't know enough about this situation...

Yeah dude ring him up and be like "EY!" And he'll instantly know he's been acting like a fart monkey.

i can't. he told me not to call, that he would call. so i'm cornered.

[jessica129]

? Well after a week I think it's justified....hell, is he still alive?

[xyz]

Yeah, after a solid 7 days all guys lose their privilege of saying when they're gonna call. Honestly, if he sounds bored of you after 7 days, he just might not be into you.

[Gilly]

If anything fishy was going on, he would probably be sure to call you in order to cover his tracks. People who are up to shit are always paranoid. Odds are, he's being a negligent little bastard and has been busy and etc, and just plain old forgot. Fuck what he told you, he's already fallen through on his promise; call him up and straighten his ass out, so it doesn't happen again.

[xyz]

If anything fishy was going on, he would probably be sure to call you in order to cover his tracks. People who are up to shit are always paranoid. Odds are, he's being a negligent little bastard and has been busy and etc, and just plain old forgot. Fuck what he told you, he's already fallen through on his promise; call him up and straighten his ass out, so it doesn't happen again.

Yeah good luck with that one.

[Blaze]

i'm so torn.

the majority report, is call him and tell him what time it is.

the minority report says this is spiritual thing. wait.

[xyz]

You don't have to decide right this second. Just remember that if you want closure of some sort, you'd have to call him eventually (if you can't just outright forget about him)

Flip a coin.

[jessica129]

I've done that so many times. I've tried waiting for them to call and went crazy in the mean time. There's no point to putting yourself thru that. When i do call the guy after a week of nothing, i'm exepecting for him to surely tell me he was in the hospital after getting him by a truck or something, but no...everything is fine, he just FORGOT. To hell with that, someone doesn't call you in that long they either a)not thinking at all about you or b) playing childish games. It's not worth the stress. If i want to talk to someone from now on, i call them.

[uninspired]

*hugs diamond*

I don't know the circumstances of your relationship, but I can say in general that INFps are NOT INITIATORS. In almost all of my relationships I sit by passively and let others contact me because I fear rejection. This is even the case with my ISFp friend (hence the duality between ENTp-ISFp), who isn't at all inhibited about letting others know what she wants. She almost always calls me, and I reciprocate in turn.
As I said earlier, I don't know exactly what's transpired between you two, but perhaps he's picked up on some bad vibes and thinks something might be wrong, so he's afraid to call you and is procrastinating. He also might be rehearsing what he wants to say to you, so he feels like he needs time to prepare (neurotic as hell, but characteristically INFp). Another possibility might be that he's having some issues and really needs some time alone. I know that I've retreated into my shell for weeks on end because of depressive episodes.
But in all honesty, his type tendencies are no excuse for his avoidance and lack of candor. He owes you an explanation for his flakiness.
I hope the whole thing blows over, and I agree with the rest of the forum that you ought to call him if you want to talk to him, because he will oblige you. If he really is having doubts about the relationship, he'll probably try to work things out, because INFps get very attached and don't like to end relationships with people they care about.
So, in a nutshell, call him and explain your concern and confusion. You don't deserve to worry anymore.

[ScarlettLux]

Honestly, in this case scenario, you gotta think -- what would the Dual do?

ESTps. They would be like.. fuck this shit! And call the INFp, demanding to know what is wrong.

OR...

They would just not care... and eventually the INFp would break down and go crying to ESTp, then all is well.

Take your pick but I suggest the 1st one.

[Sentineneve]

[XoX]

When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.

[UDP]

My advice?

Forget this. If your emotions are serious then you better demand he act seriously as well. Do not play around. Call the person ask them what is going on. If they say I want space, give it to them. Do not lead anything into game playing, bickering, or emotional wastes of time and energy - unless that is what you really enjoy.

Humans and their silly games - you would expect us to do better by now.



Only you can prevent relapse.

[redbaron]

I think...if you want a relationship and not a fight, you should maybe consider lowering the confrontational tone a little bit. It isn't like he completely flaked out and just stopped calling you. He asked for some time alone. I understand if people here are angry, but we just don't know what is going on in his life to throw such an ultimatum at him.

People automatically react negatively to ultimatums. It doesn't matter how right you may be. With that kind of message, you're just picking a fight, not fixing a relationship. Not only are you picking a fight, you may be picking a fight while he is at his weakest, most stressed time. The last thing he needs at that point is you hammering down on him that hard. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link, and communicating like that is just like chipping away at the weakest link.

I suggest being a little nicer in the opening few minutes of your conversation. If he apologizes and says something like his Mom died, then take it easy on him. If it is a flake or waffle answer, then give him the "I'm not putting up with your bullshit" speech. Starting off with "I am me, hear me RAWR!" is just going to end badly. Hell, I'm not even him and I still automatically felt defensive reading that.

This is a relationship you are in. You are not his wife. You are his girlfriend. More importantly, you are his friend. If you don't focus on being a friend first, you're going to just be some girl, and there won't be any relationship but bitterness to speak of.

I think this is a wise post. I really do. As much as my first reaction was a very negative one towards your INFp guy, I think trying to be a friend first is a very mature way to handle this. If he told you he would call you, so the ball is entirely in his court. That is my opinion. Regardless of personality types, if you tell someone you're going to call them, you do it if you're responsible. It's not like he's 18 years old either. I doubt he "forgot", give me a break. Something is going on with him.

[Gilly]

I think Scarlettlux's advice is the best so far in this thread. What would Se with Fi PoLR do? You better fucking believe it would call, no matter what "rules" the IEI tries to lay down for them

[UDP]

@ UDP: Hi fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!

Ok

Hi five.



PS: I also agree with ScarlettLux said, in my own way.

[FDG]

or you know, it could just be a guy thing.

IDK, it's pretty easy to understand the emotional impact of one's own words over somebody else.

Generally, this behaviour is always intentional. When people say "Oh I just forgot to", they have to be called on their bullshit and exposed, because otherwise they'll keep behaving like that.

I don't want to sound moralistic, but you're a 40-yo woman with children. This is not the right time for him to play games, honestly.

[FDG]

When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.

You know that people also have emotional needs? I mean, I understand that people have different ideas about relationships, but the way you speak about it here, would imply a complete lack of any form of needing the other party. What's the point of being in a relationship then?

[XoX]

When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.

You know that people also have emotional needs? I mean, I understand that people have different ideas about relationships, but the way you speak about it here, would imply a complete lack of any form of needing the other party. What's the point of being in a relationship then?

It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.

[FDG]

When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.

You know that people also have emotional needs? I mean, I understand that people have different ideas about relationships, but the way you speak about it here, would imply a complete lack of any form of needing the other party. What's the point of being in a relationship then?

It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.

Yeah that's a very good way then to interpret the issue, I fully agree. Probably the incomprehension is that I dont' feel like personally I can be apart for a long time and still feel like I'm a satisfactory relationship, but that's personal.

[Expat]

Honestly, in this case scenario, you gotta think -- what would the Dual do?

ESTps. They would be like.. fuck this shit! And call the INFp, demanding to know what is wrong.

OR...

They would just not care... and eventually the INFp would break down and go crying to ESTp, then all is well.

Perfect.

Or the INFp would not break down, and then there is nothing, but because it was nothing anyway.

[meatburger]

Honestly, in this case scenario, you gotta think -- what would the Dual do?

ESTps. They would be like.. fuck this shit! And call the INFp, demanding to know what is wrong.

OR...

They would just not care... and eventually the INFp would break down and go crying to ESTp, then all is well.

Perfect.

Or the INFp would not break down, and then there is nothing, but because it was nothing anyway.

I would be very worried about the situation. If im in a relationship and 7 days go by i would want a damn good explanation like they were trapped under a car or pile of snow or something. Someone saying "were taking a break, dont call me i will call you" spells bad news. I would be ready to dump if it happened more than once. I really feel for you blaze as your a sweet chick and definately dont deserve to be screwed around. You have gone through enough.

[Expat]

It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.

Fine but a great many people don't see things that way. Their emotional needs are met precisely by someone reaching out to them before they have to ask. The stance you're describing seems 100% passive, and that ennerves many people (including myself).

[XoX]

It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.

Fine but a great many people don't see things that way. Their emotional needs are met precisely by someone reaching out to them before they have to ask. The stance you're describing seems 100% passive, and that ennerves many people (including myself).

But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?

[Expat]

But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?

I'm not suggesting any concrete actions to you nor do I think there is anything you can or even should do about it. I was just explaining that your stance does not work with many people. For you it's probably best to be with those for whom it does work.

[Slacker]

He told you not to call and just wait for him to call? Hmm I'd be calling him and considering getting out of the relationship. What's up with this, "don't call me I'll call you" thing? Like you're on audition. Uh-uh.

[Megan]

He told you not to call and just wait for him to call? Hmm I'd be calling him and considering getting out of the relationship. What's up with this, "don't call me I'll call you" thing? Like you're on audition. Uh-uh.

Exactly, that is the most troubling part, he not only does not call but he asked her not to call him. In my frank opinion, I think it is time to not call him or accept his calls...ever.

[redbaron]

But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?

I'm not suggesting any concrete actions to you nor do I think there is anything you can or even should do about it. I was just explaining that your stance does not work with many people. For you it's probably best to be with those for whom it does work.

This is what is sometimes so frustrating. Because you can't make sure that you're always "with" people who appreciate your stance. kwim? So when you're inevitably dealing with someone who doesn't naturally need what you can provide, it's frustrating to think that you can't give them what they need. For example, my husband (ESFj) needs me to see his emotions before he has to voice them (in other words, he wants me to read his mind). I usually don't because I'm passive (and not a mind-reader). Then once he voices them, it can be kind of loud and in-your-face and suddenly I'm dealing with anger, not only at the original mood or situation but at the fact that I didn't pick up on it. I can usually diffuse that anger through various methods but when it comes at me negatively and takes me by surprise, it's unpleasant. What I'm saying is I WISH there were concrete actions I could take to be more what he needs but just telling myself that I need to pay more attention to his moods doesn't seem to cut it.

[XoX]

But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?

I'm not suggesting any concrete actions to you nor do I think there is anything you can or even should do about it. I was just explaining that your stance does not work with many people. For you it's probably best to be with those for whom it does work.

Oh. I always kind of feel like every bit of criticism should be followed by a piece of advice to fix the problem. Criticism without advice seems kind of fatalistic. As in "You suck and there is nothing you can do about it". So I find it hard to understand the point of such criticism. I mean you make me feel like I should somehow be really interested in emotional needs. Whatever they mean in this discussion.

But yes I think my stance doesn't work with many people. And it is actually not that much a stance but more just reality. I try to push myself to care about complex needs but I generally don't. Then I feel guilty about that as for some reason I feel like I should care more. It is kind of difficult to explain.

But there exists some kind of emotional needs which are easy for me to understand and care about. Like I can see if someone is sad, scared, unhappy, ... and this activates me into action. I wish to make them not sad, not scared, happy, ... However anything more complex than that start to bug me quickly. And any complex reaction to my efforts is kind of a turn off too. Like I help someone to get rid of their fears and then they get pissed off because that makes them feel weak which they dislike and eventually they blame me for helping them on something which they should have managed themselves. Crap like that makes me confused.

[Blaze]

thank you everybody. i have thought of all of these responses myself and still don't know what to do. my friends say the following:

infj: go over there and confront him

isfp: consider him to not be "the one" look at how upset you are. let the relationship go.

enfj: fuck that noise. don't call him. move on, go get laid tonight and when he calls you back , he better be eatin some p___y for a long time

enfj, male: give him his space and let him think, he'll call you. you are a great girl, really pretty, he's going to want to keep you. he'll call.

estp, male: go over there and tell him to make up his mind.

istj: wait. he's not ignoring you. relationships are hard work. you don't like to be patient, this is what you need to do.

there are only so many choices on how to respond, and they've all been touched on. doing any of them depends on who i am really am on the inside. when you get divorced you feel like you effed up your marriage and you try to be different. i've gone as far as i can go and made amends for pushing and not listening etc, but i don't feel like i can just sit here and take shit. in one week i'm going camping with my kids for a week. cell phones don't work in the park where we are camping. i feel like if i don't know what's going on before i leave, it will be really distracted with this during my vacation. if i bring it to a head myself before i go, then i feel like number one, i'm not respecting what he asked for, number 2, giving him a big ego boost by going over there or calling, which i'm not sure i should do.

we've been going out for 7 months....this is the decision making time. are we going to go forward or stop. to me, it seems like i should break up with him because i don't think it's a good idea to let him think he can get away with treating me this way. if we got back together later, then i could tell him he can't do that stuff, if i felt like giving him another chance. because i wouldn't be able to tolerate this kind of cut-off over the long run. at the same time, when someone is trying to make up their minds you can't rush them. i could just mentally break up with him, but then i wouldn't get any closure on it really.

but you know i really had high hopes for this guy but it does seem like he's not the one. that sucks.