Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 40 of 87

Thread: I'M SO DONE

  1. #1
    Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    5,725
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default I'M SO DONE

    With waiting.

    This is a relationship we are in. I'm not your wife, I'm your girlfriend. It not appropriate for me to wait longer than this.

    It's been a week since we last talked. At first this felt like a puzzle, then a test, and then a punishment. Now it feels like a mean game.

    I need to talk and listen and communicate with you. This is me: off anti-depressants, off drugs, off alcohol, and a year out of my divorce. I've experienced the ultimate betrayal from my ex husband and so in a relationship I need some reassurance in order to develop trust.

    I've decided that I'm in the relationship. I'm willing to follow you anywhere. I will SEEK and find spiritual growth with you.

    But I cannot do it without communication. YOU decide: we can either start communicating or YOU will have to release ME, because I can't do a relationship that's in limbo. But I will not make this decision, since I AM IN. YOU must make the decision. Right now.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

  2. #2
    Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    5,725
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    C'mon people I'm dying here. No I didn't ask any questions, but you know comments??!! Does this sound like the illusionary relationship it is?? WTF are my needs realistic? Give me some insight into why I should or should not do this.

    jeez. what do I have to do? jump up and down???


    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

  3. #3
    Elro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Not here
    Posts
    2,796
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    jeez. what do I have to do? jump up and down???
    Yes. And a couple of backflips would be swell, also.

    (To be honest, I wasn't sure if you were directing that at someone here or what, so I stayed away.)
    Quote Originally Posted by Logos
    Holy mud-wrestling bipolar donkeys, Batman!

    Retired from posting and drawing Social Security. E-mail or PM to contact.


    I pity your souls

  4. #4
    Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    5,725
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Elro
    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    jeez. what do I have to do? jump up and down???
    Yes. And a couple of backflips would be swell, also.

    (To be honest, I wasn't sure if you were directing that at someone here or what, so I stayed away.)
    no. it's a sample of what i want to say to the infp man if he doesn't call by the end of the weekend.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

  5. #5
    jessica129's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    10,122
    Mentioned
    68 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Good luck with those INFP's, they're an interesting bunch.

    No but really, it's all a game. They will say they don't play games, but it's all a game. The more you put into it and the more you care, the worse you get treated. Have you called him and he hasn't returned your call or has he not even called you at all? What is this about?

  6. #6
    xyz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7,709
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I kind of agree, even *I* wouldn't wait a whole 7+ days before calling someone.

    (And if you WERE his wife, he'd sure be calling more than once a week...)

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    100
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default


  8. #8
    jessica129's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    10,122
    Mentioned
    68 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    There's no excuse for someone to not call in a week. After about that 4 day mark, you really have to start to wonder what's going on. I wouldn't sit back and wonder. Call him and ask what's going on..it's better than sitting and torturing yourself staring at your phone. He may be completely oblivious. Gotta set your pride aside sometimes. But I don't know enough about this situation...

  9. #9
    xyz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7,709
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    There's no excuse for someone to not call in a week. After about that 4 day mark, you really have to start to wonder what's going on. I wouldn't sit back and wonder. Call him and ask what's going on..it's better than sitting and torturing yourself staring at your phone. He may be completely oblivious. Gotta set your pride aside sometimes. But I don't know enough about this situation...
    Yeah dude ring him up and be like "EY!" And he'll instantly know he's been acting like a fart monkey.

  10. #10

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    94
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    This reminds me same as i have now (i am male and i calling girl we had great time, after me calling next day with question" How are you today? bla bla bla want me to come along?) she not answering...... Dunno what type she is but she might be ISTj/ISFj/ISTp as well, and i cant explain but i have few guesses/feelings about it.... mabby i needed to tell " i want to come to you" .....dunno ... we'll see ..... mabby its just check .... every moment my mood changing ... but all you wrote is sounds very similar to me, when i am on your place....
    btw i have experience, and know that ISTps can behave this way too...
    Ni Creative

    there are 3 levels of sword mastery :
    1.: ability to win with sword in your hand.
    2.: ability to win without sword in your hand, but in your soul.
    3, and the hightest one: without having sword nor in hand not in soul be able to win and bring peace to people.

  11. #11
    Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    5,725
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard
    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    There's no excuse for someone to not call in a week. After about that 4 day mark, you really have to start to wonder what's going on. I wouldn't sit back and wonder. Call him and ask what's going on..it's better than sitting and torturing yourself staring at your phone. He may be completely oblivious. Gotta set your pride aside sometimes. But I don't know enough about this situation...
    Yeah dude ring him up and be like "EY!" And he'll instantly know he's been acting like a fart monkey.
    i can't. he told me not to call, that he would call. so i'm cornered.


    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

  12. #12
    jessica129's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    10,122
    Mentioned
    68 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    ? Well after a week I think it's justified....hell, is he still alive?

  13. #13
    xyz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7,709
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Yeah, after a solid 7 days all guys lose their privilege of saying when they're gonna call. Honestly, if he sounds bored of you after 7 days, he just might not be into you.

  14. #14
    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    TIM
    3w4 sx/so
    Posts
    24,757
    Mentioned
    91 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    If anything fishy was going on, he would probably be sure to call you in order to cover his tracks. People who are up to shit are always paranoid. Odds are, he's being a negligent little bastard and has been busy and etc, and just plain old forgot. Fuck what he told you, he's already fallen through on his promise; call him up and straighten his ass out, so it doesn't happen again.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

  15. #15
    xyz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7,709
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    If anything fishy was going on, he would probably be sure to call you in order to cover his tracks. People who are up to shit are always paranoid. Odds are, he's being a negligent little bastard and has been busy and etc, and just plain old forgot. Fuck what he told you, he's already fallen through on his promise; call him up and straighten his ass out, so it doesn't happen again.
    Yeah good luck with that one.

  16. #16
    Blaze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    5,725
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    i'm so torn.

    the majority report, is call him and tell him what time it is.

    the minority report says this is spiritual thing. wait.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

  17. #17
    xyz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7,709
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    You don't have to decide right this second. Just remember that if you want closure of some sort, you'd have to call him eventually (if you can't just outright forget about him)

    Flip a coin.

  18. #18
    jessica129's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    10,122
    Mentioned
    68 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I've done that so many times. I've tried waiting for them to call and went crazy in the mean time. There's no point to putting yourself thru that. When i do call the guy after a week of nothing, i'm exepecting for him to surely tell me he was in the hospital after getting him by a truck or something, but no...everything is fine, he just FORGOT. To hell with that, someone doesn't call you in that long they either a)not thinking at all about you or b) playing childish games. It's not worth the stress. If i want to talk to someone from now on, i call them.

  19. #19

    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    222
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    *hugs diamond*

    I don't know the circumstances of your relationship, but I can say in general that INFps are NOT INITIATORS. In almost all of my relationships I sit by passively and let others contact me because I fear rejection. This is even the case with my ISFp friend (hence the duality between ENTp-ISFp), who isn't at all inhibited about letting others know what she wants. She almost always calls me, and I reciprocate in turn.
    As I said earlier, I don't know exactly what's transpired between you two, but perhaps he's picked up on some bad vibes and thinks something might be wrong, so he's afraid to call you and is procrastinating. He also might be rehearsing what he wants to say to you, so he feels like he needs time to prepare (neurotic as hell, but characteristically INFp). Another possibility might be that he's having some issues and really needs some time alone. I know that I've retreated into my shell for weeks on end because of depressive episodes.
    But in all honesty, his type tendencies are no excuse for his avoidance and lack of candor. He owes you an explanation for his flakiness.
    I hope the whole thing blows over, and I agree with the rest of the forum that you ought to call him if you want to talk to him, because he will oblige you. If he really is having doubts about the relationship, he'll probably try to work things out, because INFps get very attached and don't like to end relationships with people they care about.
    So, in a nutshell, call him and explain your concern and confusion. You don't deserve to worry anymore.
    INFp, Intuitive subtype, Enneagram 6w5
    Back in school and on semi-permanent hiatus from the forum

  20. #20
    from toronto with love ScarlettLux's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Toronto, Ontario
    TIM
    Beta sx 3w4;7w8
    Posts
    3,401
    Mentioned
    18 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Honestly, in this case scenario, you gotta think -- what would the Dual do?

    ESTps. They would be like.. fuck this shit! And call the INFp, demanding to know what is wrong.

    OR...

    They would just not care... and eventually the INFp would break down and go crying to ESTp, then all is well.

    Take your pick but I suggest the 1st one.


    Dress pretty, play dirty ღ
    Johari
    Nohari

  21. #21

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    100
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default


  22. #22
    XoX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,407
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.

  23. #23
    UDP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    East Coast West Coast Dirty South
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    14,826
    Mentioned
    33 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    My advice?

    Forget this. If your emotions are serious then you better demand he act seriously as well. Do not play around. Call the person ask them what is going on. If they say I want space, give it to them. Do not lead anything into game playing, bickering, or emotional wastes of time and energy - unless that is what you really enjoy.

    Humans and their silly games - you would expect us to do better by now.



    Only you can prevent relapse.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

  24. #24
    redbaron's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    9,321
    Mentioned
    16 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sentineneve
    I think...if you want a relationship and not a fight, you should maybe consider lowering the confrontational tone a little bit. It isn't like he completely flaked out and just stopped calling you. He asked for some time alone. I understand if people here are angry, but we just don't know what is going on in his life to throw such an ultimatum at him.

    People automatically react negatively to ultimatums. It doesn't matter how right you may be. With that kind of message, you're just picking a fight, not fixing a relationship. Not only are you picking a fight, you may be picking a fight while he is at his weakest, most stressed time. The last thing he needs at that point is you hammering down on him that hard. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link, and communicating like that is just like chipping away at the weakest link.

    I suggest being a little nicer in the opening few minutes of your conversation. If he apologizes and says something like his Mom died, then take it easy on him. If it is a flake or waffle answer, then give him the "I'm not putting up with your bullshit" speech. Starting off with "I am me, hear me RAWR!" is just going to end badly. Hell, I'm not even him and I still automatically felt defensive reading that.

    This is a relationship you are in. You are not his wife. You are his girlfriend. More importantly, you are his friend. If you don't focus on being a friend first, you're going to just be some girl, and there won't be any relationship but bitterness to speak of.
    I think this is a wise post. I really do. As much as my first reaction was a very negative one towards your INFp guy, I think trying to be a friend first is a very mature way to handle this. If he told you he would call you, so the ball is entirely in his court. That is my opinion. Regardless of personality types, if you tell someone you're going to call them, you do it if you're responsible. It's not like he's 18 years old either. I doubt he "forgot", give me a break. Something is going on with him.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

  25. #25
    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    TIM
    3w4 sx/so
    Posts
    24,757
    Mentioned
    91 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    I think Scarlettlux's advice is the best so far in this thread. What would Se with Fi PoLR do? You better fucking believe it would call, no matter what "rules" the IEI tries to lay down for them
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

  26. #26
    UDP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    East Coast West Coast Dirty South
    TIM
    LSE
    Posts
    14,826
    Mentioned
    33 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dee
    @ UDP: Hi fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!
    Ok

    Hi five.



    PS: I also agree with ScarlettLux said, in my own way.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

  27. #27
    what is essential is invisible to the eye fox's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Space
    TIM
    ILI
    Posts
    12,802
    Mentioned
    367 Post(s)
    Tagged
    9 Thread(s)

    Default

    Is there any chance that your INFp was an only child diamond8?

    I'm only asking because my dad is an INFp and he NEVER remembers to call my family. I remember a time he had moved and changed his phone number and didn't bother to call me and my sister for over 2 months. I almost worried myself sick the whole time not having any clue about what had happened to him. My mom said not to worry, because he used to do the same crap to her when they were together. I ended up investigating the situation, making some phone calls and getting his new house number, and when I finally made contact with him he said something like "oh I'm sorry, I've been busy, and I just forgot to call".

    He's done that kind of thing numerous times, so I just don't even bother worrying myself about it anymore. He's a great man, and I know he loves me and my sister more than anything, but he just has those stupid habits of not stopping to think about other peoples feelings sometimes. The INFp I live with does the same thing with his girlfriend/family, but that particular INFp has many other various issues...

    Anyway, I asked the question about him being an only child because my dad, and the INFp that I live with spent most of their childhoods without siblings (having siblings either much older or younger then themselves.) I have always thought that was the main reason that they can sometimes seem selfish, and rarely stop to consider other peoples feelings; because I myself don't really act in that kind of manor, though it could be that I actually know what it feels like to be in pain... or you know, it could just be a guy thing.
    Quote Originally Posted by jxrtes View Post
    betas should be kept in zoos for children to stare and throw pop corn at.

  28. #28
    Hot Message FDG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Freiburg im Breisgau
    TIM
    ENTj
    Posts
    15,624
    Mentioned
    155 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall
    or you know, it could just be a guy thing.
    IDK, it's pretty easy to understand the emotional impact of one's own words over somebody else.

    Generally, this behaviour is always intentional. When people say "Oh I just forgot to", they have to be called on their bullshit and exposed, because otherwise they'll keep behaving like that.

    I don't want to sound moralistic, but you're a 40-yo woman with children. This is not the right time for him to play games, honestly.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

  29. #29
    Hot Message FDG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Freiburg im Breisgau
    TIM
    ENTj
    Posts
    15,624
    Mentioned
    155 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.
    You know that people also have emotional needs? I mean, I understand that people have different ideas about relationships, but the way you speak about it here, would imply a complete lack of any form of needing the other party. What's the point of being in a relationship then?
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

  30. #30
    XoX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,407
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.
    You know that people also have emotional needs? I mean, I understand that people have different ideas about relationships, but the way you speak about it here, would imply a complete lack of any form of needing the other party. What's the point of being in a relationship then?
    It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

    However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.

  31. #31
    Hot Message FDG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Freiburg im Breisgau
    TIM
    ENTj
    Posts
    15,624
    Mentioned
    155 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    When I think about relationships I think about months and years not about days. So...kind of hard to answer. I don't understand complex relationships anyways. I want a relationship where both sides can call or not call each other when it suits them and it doesn't shake it one way or another.
    You know that people also have emotional needs? I mean, I understand that people have different ideas about relationships, but the way you speak about it here, would imply a complete lack of any form of needing the other party. What's the point of being in a relationship then?
    It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

    However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.
    Yeah that's a very good way then to interpret the issue, I fully agree. Probably the incomprehension is that I dont' feel like personally I can be apart for a long time and still feel like I'm a satisfactory relationship, but that's personal.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

  32. #32
    Expat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    10,853
    Mentioned
    27 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettLux
    Honestly, in this case scenario, you gotta think -- what would the Dual do?

    ESTps. They would be like.. fuck this shit! And call the INFp, demanding to know what is wrong.

    OR...

    They would just not care... and eventually the INFp would break down and go crying to ESTp, then all is well.
    Perfect.

    Or the INFp would not break down, and then there is nothing, but because it was nothing anyway.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

  33. #33
    meatburger's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    A Quazar named Northern Territory
    Posts
    2,570
    Mentioned
    4 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Expat
    Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettLux
    Honestly, in this case scenario, you gotta think -- what would the Dual do?

    ESTps. They would be like.. fuck this shit! And call the INFp, demanding to know what is wrong.

    OR...

    They would just not care... and eventually the INFp would break down and go crying to ESTp, then all is well.
    Perfect.

    Or the INFp would not break down, and then there is nothing, but because it was nothing anyway.
    I would be very worried about the situation. If im in a relationship and 7 days go by i would want a damn good explanation like they were trapped under a car or pile of snow or something. Someone saying "were taking a break, dont call me i will call you" spells bad news. I would be ready to dump if it happened more than once. I really feel for you blaze as your a sweet chick and definately dont deserve to be screwed around. You have gone through enough.
    ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)

    "And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin

  34. #34
    Expat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    10,853
    Mentioned
    27 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

    However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.
    Fine but a great many people don't see things that way. Their emotional needs are met precisely by someone reaching out to them before they have to ask. The stance you're describing seems 100% passive, and that ennerves many people (including myself).
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

  35. #35
    XoX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,407
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Expat
    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    It is more like: If you need me you can call me or come to see me and I try to match your needs. If I need you I can call you and come to see you and you try to match my needs. So whenever someone voices out emotional needs they are met. When neither of us have emotional needs we can be apart and out of contact for a long time. So emotional needs ARE met imho.

    However they need to be voiced. I hate it if I have to call you and make sure your emotional needs are met. I want you to express your needs or I assume you don't have any. Same thing if I want to express my needs I generally want you to be there. This is rare but it happens. So it is not about not meeting emotional needs it is about having personal responsibility to "request for attention" sort of. I generally react quickly and strongly if I sense an emotional need. However I cannot sense it unless you voice it. I hate it if I have to ponder and wonder whether someone has emotional needs or not. It makes me paranoid and pisses me off and makes me want to distance myself.
    Fine but a great many people don't see things that way. Their emotional needs are met precisely by someone reaching out to them before they have to ask. The stance you're describing seems 100% passive, and that ennerves many people (including myself).
    But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?

  36. #36
    Expat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    10,853
    Mentioned
    27 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?
    I'm not suggesting any concrete actions to you nor do I think there is anything you can or even should do about it. I was just explaining that your stance does not work with many people. For you it's probably best to be with those for whom it does work.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

  37. #37
    aka Slacker Slacker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    North Korea
    TIM
    IEE
    Posts
    8,819
    Mentioned
    24 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    He told you not to call and just wait for him to call? Hmm I'd be calling him and considering getting out of the relationship. What's up with this, "don't call me I'll call you" thing? Like you're on audition. Uh-uh.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

  38. #38

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    852
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom
    He told you not to call and just wait for him to call? Hmm I'd be calling him and considering getting out of the relationship. What's up with this, "don't call me I'll call you" thing? Like you're on audition. Uh-uh.

    Exactly, that is the most troubling part, he not only does not call but he asked her not to call him. In my frank opinion, I think it is time to not call him or accept his calls...ever.
    Socionics: XNFx
    MBTI: INFJ

  39. #39
    redbaron's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    9,321
    Mentioned
    16 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Expat
    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?
    I'm not suggesting any concrete actions to you nor do I think there is anything you can or even should do about it. I was just explaining that your stance does not work with many people. For you it's probably best to be with those for whom it does work.
    This is what is sometimes so frustrating. Because you can't make sure that you're always "with" people who appreciate your stance. kwim? So when you're inevitably dealing with someone who doesn't naturally need what you can provide, it's frustrating to think that you can't give them what they need. For example, my husband (ESFj) needs me to see his emotions before he has to voice them (in other words, he wants me to read his mind). I usually don't because I'm passive (and not a mind-reader). Then once he voices them, it can be kind of loud and in-your-face and suddenly I'm dealing with anger, not only at the original mood or situation but at the fact that I didn't pick up on it. I can usually diffuse that anger through various methods but when it comes at me negatively and takes me by surprise, it's unpleasant. What I'm saying is I WISH there were concrete actions I could take to be more what he needs but just telling myself that I need to pay more attention to his moods doesn't seem to cut it.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

  40. #40
    XoX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    4,407
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Expat
    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    But what can I do about it? What concrete actions do you suggest? And you could define "emotional need" for me as I'm not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There are those Fe needs and Fi needs and whatever that are likely a bit different or?
    I'm not suggesting any concrete actions to you nor do I think there is anything you can or even should do about it. I was just explaining that your stance does not work with many people. For you it's probably best to be with those for whom it does work.
    Oh. I always kind of feel like every bit of criticism should be followed by a piece of advice to fix the problem. Criticism without advice seems kind of fatalistic. As in "You suck and there is nothing you can do about it". So I find it hard to understand the point of such criticism. I mean you make me feel like I should somehow be really interested in emotional needs. Whatever they mean in this discussion.

    But yes I think my stance doesn't work with many people. And it is actually not that much a stance but more just reality. I try to push myself to care about complex needs but I generally don't. Then I feel guilty about that as for some reason I feel like I should care more. It is kind of difficult to explain.

    But there exists some kind of emotional needs which are easy for me to understand and care about. Like I can see if someone is sad, scared, unhappy, ... and this activates me into action. I wish to make them not sad, not scared, happy, ... However anything more complex than that start to bug me quickly. And any complex reaction to my efforts is kind of a turn off too. Like I help someone to get rid of their fears and then they get pissed off because that makes them feel weak which they dislike and eventually they blame me for helping them on something which they should have managed themselves. Crap like that makes me confused.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •