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Thread: IEIs (INFps) introversion and the need for space

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    Blaze's Avatar
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    Default IEIs (INFps) introversion and the need for space

    is this an issue across all members of this type? on a regular basis needing space and time apart to contemplate? not wanting to explain why? not caring how you feel about it? going so far as to hurt you in the process?

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    eliphalet's Avatar
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    Uhm. This sounds like me and my ENTp ex.

    I did need a lot of time alone, moping time, doing nothing time, time away from people time. At the beginning we would spend a lot of time together, and I just needed some time to myself. Actually, I think I need time alone from everyone. My cousin just came from Egypt, and I should be spending time with her, but I'm away in the comfort of my room. It also pisses my mom off, as I come home from school and immediately lock myself away for a long time. I don't know why I do this.

    The ENTp used to always question me "What's wrong", "What's on your mind". I could never answer those types of questions. I just wouldn't know how to explain myself. Like a hundred thoughts would be in my mind, and I wanted to let him know, but I would try talking and freeze. These kinds of questions always made me feel like I was under pressure, and I couldn't handle it.

    At the time I didn't realize this was hurting him, or I did but I felt powerless to change. The thing is I never wanted to confront any problems we'd been having. If I had known better I would have handled it differently.
    INFp

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    Exits, pursued by a bear. Animal's Avatar
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    He's probably masturbating. That or shooting drugs. In either case, it's best to give him his space.
    "How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."
    -- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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    I need alot of alone time to myself to think, contemplate, and to get in touch with myself. It's just how I recharge my batteries and recalibrate myself to the world, especially after intense periods of interaction and activity. I see it as something absolutely vital to my well being like breathing or eating. If I can't get some time alone I quickly get cranky and a little wonky after awhile. So I have to get some me time in, otherwise no one would want to be around me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Baby
    He's probably masturbating. That or shooting drugs. In either case, it's best to give him his space.
    ?? j/k i guess?

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    ?? j/k i guess?
    Of course?

    I don't mean to trivialize your situation but I guess I just don't understand this particular aspect of it:

    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    going so far as to hurt you in the process?
    How/why, exactly, is his reclusiveness hurting you? Your post was somewhat vague and leaves a lot to the imagination. Is he actively pushing you away to the point where you feel like you're losing some valuable opportunities to connect with each other?
    "How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."
    -- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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    Short response: I withdraw because of the loud and stressful world, as well as the unwanted expectations of others. Itís been a habit for a very long time. I only care enough about what others think about this behavior because I donít want to offend or be labeled antisocial Ė believe it or not, I do like people and donít want to become an outcast!

    Long response: Over the last few years my behavior has become increasingly withdrawn. Like eliphalet, my parents have also at times been mad at me for spending most of my time alone in my room.

    To my parents, time is to be spent on "productive activities," things like chores, maintenance, and work -- activities I find exhausting and often pointless. In the past this has been a major source of conflict with my parents because, to them, listening to music, reading -- be it a book or articles on the internet -- or whatever else I do is seen as a waste of time. These past conflicts have done nothing but reinforce my withdrawn behavior as I try to escape the criticism and unpleasantness.

    I need time to decompress away from high-strung people and situations. School, traffic, work, and lots of socializing all apply. Stress just makes me way too physically uncomfortable. My chest and throat tighten, thoughts race, and a nervous energy takes hold. It's too uncomfortable and disorienting to deal with regularly, so withdrawing is the best option (though I can see it as self-defeating).

    Contemplation is sort of the healing process. If Iím angry, contemplation can only take place once the anger has subsided. Once I can find peace alone I'll mull over the events and interactions of the day. I try to figure out what is stressing me out and how to avoid similar future situations. If it is a person bothering me Iíll look at the situation/conflict from both sides, try to figure out what I need and what the other person needs, and then decide to do my best to fix things or do my best to avoid.

    For example, one of my friends, who I've known for a few years, is someone who cannot spend a day by himself. He tries to keep in touch daily, and 4-5 times a week invites me to his house; going to his house is a bit of a trek: itís steep on gas because itís about 30 miles away, and the roads are mostly through woods full of deer. When we hang out he talks about his interests (cars, motorcycles, televisions), usually while I'm doing something on my laptop or playing a video game. I listen, comment, and discuss, but I never feel totally there. I've become so tired of the repetitiveness of it all that I no longer keep my cell phone on and stay off instant messenger. Through contemplation Iíve come to believe that he needs company I donít feel I can provide anymore because Iím no longer interested in listening to the same trite subjects of conversation. In the past I've avoided his communication for a week here or there, but never have I approached my current month long streak of avoidance. I know that the next time I see him he will probe with the usual "where ya been, what ya been up to" shtick as has always been the case, and I know I wonít answer truthfully because the truth could easily insult or be deemed antisocial.

    Anyways, itís getting late, and now Iím only typing things and then subsequently deleting them entirely. Also, this thread has gone from 2 posts to 5 in the time it took me to write this. Hopefully I am still able to provide some insight.

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    The three other INFps pretty much sum things up nicely. We do definitely need time to Ni-about in our own heads for abit. Our guiding purpose in life (as Rick puts it) is to "recognize meaning in the events of life around us." To do this, we need to withdraw into ourselves for a bit, away from external distractions.

    I'm sure the guy doesn't mean to hurt you in any way.
    "How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."
    -- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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    I don't require alone time quite so much I used to, but when I randomly do, my ENTp boyfriend gets extremely offended by it. Thinks it is about him, that I don't like him because I don't want to be around him for a few hours, or a day or weekend...weekend is usually the longest I ever need alone time...


    For example....I wanted the weekend to spend with a friend, just the two of us. He had the option to visit with me and such several times over the weekend, but was not satisfied because he thought I was supposed to go home with him. He thought it was the worst thing I could do to him and kept saying I hated him. I told him he was ridiculous and knew how I felt about him. You are just being irrational. To which he storms out, 2 nights...because see he always comes back. Good sign I'd say...


    Anyhow...yep.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Khamelion
    I don't require alone time quite so much I used to, but when I randomly do, my ENTp boyfriend gets extremely offended by it. Thinks it is about him, that I don't like him because I don't want to be around him for a few hours, or a day or weekend...weekend is usually the longest I ever need alone time...


    For example....I wanted the weekend to spend with a friend, just the two of us. He had the option to visit with me and such several times over the weekend, but was not satisfied because he thought I was supposed to go home with him. He thought it was the worst thing I could do to him and kept saying I hated him. I told him he was ridiculous and knew how I felt about him. You are just being irrational. To which he storms out, 2 nights...because see he always comes back. Good sign I'd say...


    Anyhow...yep.
    good sign for you and him i guess...he does sound very entp. we need a lot of attention.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Default Re: infp's and need for space

    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    is this an issue across all members of this type? on a regular basis needing space and time apart to contemplate?
    = most introverts

    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    not wanting to explain why? not caring how you feel about it? going so far as to hurt you in the process?
    doesn't sound type-related

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    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    what's the best way to support you when you are stressed?
    Honestly, give me what I want :wink: . If I ask for help, then try to provide it. Let me have alone time if that's what I want. Better yet, let me call you back when I want to talk. If the answer you seek isn't obvious, then your best option is to just leave me alone.

    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    is this an issue across all members of this type? on a regular basis needing space and time apart to contemplate?
    Quote Originally Posted by astralsilky
    = most introverts
    I agree here. It sounds like the E/I difference could partially be to blame for your problems.

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    from toronto with love ScarlettLux's Avatar
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    Funny enough, I don't need any space. That is one of the key reasons I considered myself an ENFj rather than an INFp. I constantly seek out attention, closeness, being with people. I hate being alone for any period of time longer than a day. Even then, I always want to talk to someone on the phone.

    INFps on the other hand *do* seem like they need their space. They sometimes refuse to go out when I ask them to in favor of reading a book or something. They seem much more able to be relaxed and content being with themselves rather than wanting to be with people. It's frustrating to me because I assume people always want to have fun outside and what not.. unfortunately that is not the case with INFps a lot of the time. They won't have the energy level or something. They can be quite passive and blah.


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    i never understood why people get upset when others want alone time. I'm noone's pillar.

    but yeah, what he did was fucked up. No one forgets those obligations. Maybe it would be best to find someone else.
    asd

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    Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettLux
    INFps on the other hand *do* seem like they need their space. They sometimes refuse to go out when I ask them to in favor of reading a book or something. They seem much more able to be relaxed and content being with themselves rather than wanting to be with people. It's frustrating to me because I assume people always want to have fun outside and what not.. unfortunately that is not the case with INFps a lot of the time. They won't have the energy level or something. They can be quite passive and blah.
    Yup, exactly. Sounds like me. I'm often content being by myself but when it comes to spending time with people I really like, I don't usually push them away without a good reason. That doesn't seem type related.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Default Re: infp's and need for space

    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    is this an issue across all members of this type? on a regular basis needing space and time apart to contemplate? not wanting to explain why? not caring how you feel about it? going so far as to hurt you in the process?
    Yes. Need for space is crucial. I get *really* cranky and bottled up if I can't get time apart from other people. It's not pretty. Most times, I don't want to feel like I have to explain it to anyone. It just is that way.

    Expectations to have me always "present" are just too much. It's very . I find myself usually attracted to types that don't put too many expectations on my being around or always available to them. Like to feel connected, but not "expected".

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