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Thread: Why do INFps and ENFjs have a hard time letting go?

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    Default Why do INFps and ENFjs have a hard time letting go?

    me and my two other beta NF friends can't get over our ex-lovers.
    can someone provide an explanation?
    INFP

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    It would be better to discuss the types first, to make sure we agree on that, and also what "can't get over" means -- one week? One month? 10 years?
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    takes everyone a year...no matter what their type :wink: good luck.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Get a new one! That's how to get over them.

    But yeah what Diamond said . . .
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    from toronto with love ScarlettLux's Avatar
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    Beta NFs *do* have a very hard time letting go. Then again, so do all types. However, I think Beta NFs are extremely passionate.. Beta IS the passionate quadra, after all.. or at least in my definition of passion. The undying romance, the heightened ideals + fantasies... it just sucks when it crashes down around us..


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    how about 2-4 years?
    INFP

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    Way too much time.

    me and my two other beta NF friends can't get over our ex-lovers.
    can someone provide an explanation?
    You do not want to.
    You are enjoying your state of emotional pain, and have identified fully with what happened. You are prolonging something that is not real, so you will suffer. You think that if you let go of that experience, you will loose who you are or something like that. But the real delusion is that you believe such a thing can define you at all.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    hey UDP, that is great response even though it wasn't said very nicely. you might be right? anyone have something different?
    INFP

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    hey UDP, that is great response even though it wasn't said very nicely. you might be right?
    I recommend this book, it will help you understand why you are harboring this pain so much.
    [web:45dab22152]http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0525948023/bookstorenow700-20[/web:45dab22152]


    I said what I said because I believe you need a jolt, not because I do not like you. You just need to see the truth, and accept accountability for your state of being. Now, I cannot say what is right or anything like that - you have to find out yourself; I just am wary of people running away from things, avoiding reality.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    UDP's Avatar
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    From a beta NF standpoint, it seems you need some to come and spank you into getting on with your life.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    you know i'm not gonna like it if it's anti INFp. avoiding reality is something that's programmed in me. i'll give the book a chance but don't expect me to start living in the now.
    INFP

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    oh i definitely need some
    where's my damn Se????
    INFP

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    Quote Originally Posted by nerv_damage
    oh i definitely need some
    where's my damn Se????
    HEY IT'S RIGHT THERE! LOOK! BEHIND YOU! AHHH IT'S COMING FOR YOU
    Quote Originally Posted by Logos
    Holy mud-wrestling bipolar donkeys, Batman!

    Retired from posting and drawing Social Security. E-mail or PM to contact.


    I pity your souls

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    Recommendation only, I do not really expect anything of it. If you find it is of no help to you, then, even as the author says in it, don't bother with it. Try again later maybe, but whatever.

    One of the main points of the book is just to help you realize some of the pain you are harboring in your life, and how to be aware of what you are doing, how you are using your mind. But I will plug it no further.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    my experience is that INFps can get over someone fast.

    I feel as though romance and visions can make it harder to get over someone because the vision is always more perfect than reality.

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    <3 UDP (fwiw nerv_damage, there's your Se... Beta Se even... in UDP's posts in this thread)

    I've heard that the average amount of time it takes a person to get over the relationship is half the amount of time the relationship lasted. However...

    This can obviously vary a great deal person to person and relationship to relationship. For example, if someone has an idea of the perfect person or relationship in their head, and then get it but it doesn't last, they'll have a harder time moving on than "average". If someone takes the break up as some sort of reflection of their worth, it will be harder then as well. Types can come into play, too... but I don't think it makes as much of a difference in this type of thing than people tend to think it does.

    I think it's safe to say that a lot of people never fully "get over" someone they once cared for deeply. They always have a bit of a soft spot for that person. And some people keep this type of thing closer to the surface than others do. Those who don't deal with the actual problem aren't going to be able to really move on until it's addressed.

    For example, I tend to seem like I get over things quickly, in my own mind, but looking back it's obvious that I was very upset for a long time. I lose my ability to concentrate, I don't eat much, I tend to drink more , I stay up too late, and I just act like a pain in the ass in general for a while. After a period of time, I stop acting like that, but I still have occasional upsets. I don't realize what's happening, but sometimes I'll get really irrational about a particular subject, voicing my harsh opinions on the matter. As my boyfriend pointed out last night, I tend to be unreasonably harsh when there's a Fi (he didn't actually use that term ) problem that's confusing me. Unless there's someone around me who sees what I'm actually talking about, I don't realize what was going on until years later when it suddenly occurs to me out of the blue. Anyways...

    The important thing to understand is that if you're taking longer than is health to move on (and like I've said, the amount of time it's healthy to take is subjective and will vary per person and break up), it's not about him, it's about you. When you're ready to move on you will, and it's not going to happen until you recognize what it is you're actually upset about. Perhaps you're worried you won't be able to find anyone else that's as "good" as he was, perhaps because you idealized him in your mind? Perhaps there's something about the circumstances of the break up that you're having a hard time dealing with? Chances are that if you're holding on too long, it's because you've somehow tied your sense of self-worth into that relationship. If you took the break up as a reflection of your worth as a person (or partner or lover or whatever), it will be more difficult to come to terms with because it's about more than him and the loss of the relationship in and of itself.
    SEE-Se, 852 sx/so

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    Quote Originally Posted by nerv_damage
    how about 2-4 years?
    yeah that's too long. i know an enfj would never really got over a long lost unrequited love. with her there's like this tragedy thing going, like this is a total tragedy; i think this reinforces her loss issues it because she likes drama. the other thing that keeps her from moving on is the fact that she continues to smoke a lot of weed....she's out of touch with the specifics of her feelings so the weed kinda keeps things pushed down.

    i have yet to see delta NF's fail to move on though. they get philosophical and deal with things. so maybe the phenom you're describing is a beta nf thing.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    i actually have a response to all three of the last posts. joy, i feel horrible because i couldn't provide what she needed (she was INTj). The whole benefit thing comes into play but i can't understand why she didn't have any use for me anymore. I know she loved me, we both cried when we broke up and when I tried fixing things up, she was really harsh. She was calling me a baby because i was about to cry in front of her. I asked for a final hug because we shared the most special hugs that lasted forever and people couldn't pry us apart. she pushed me away and walked out of my life for good. getting back to the point. i do feel worthless. everything i gave and sacrificed for her wasn't enough. i put everything i had into that relationship and when it failed, i was a failure.

    diamond8, my ENFj friend still loves her ex-bf from 4 years ago and she doesn't do weed. i understand the whole need for drama thing. it's similar with me but I really don't plan on being stuck on someone for that long. I'd be as pathetic as her if i still can't get over my ex after four years.

    and finally dee, INFps are extremely faithful to those they actually love. but isn't everyone? the thing about INFps not being faithful is always searching for the perfect lover whether they are in a relationship or not.
    INFP

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    Quote Originally Posted by nerv_damage
    i actually have a response to all three of the last posts. joy, i feel horrible because i couldn't provide what she needed (she was INTj). The whole benefit thing comes into play but i can't understand why she didn't have any use for me anymore. I know she loved me, we both cried when we broke up and when I tried fixing things up, she was really harsh. She was calling me a baby because i was about to cry in front of her. I asked for a final hug because we shared the most special hugs that lasted forever and people couldn't pry us apart. she pushed me away and walked out of my life for good. getting back to the point. i do feel worthless. everything i gave and sacrificed for her wasn't enough. i put everything i had into that relationship and when it failed, i was a failure.
    I sort of know what you mean. I was with an INTj for like 4 years, and it messed with my head in a similar way. He said that the least attractive thing about me was my enterprising nature. As an INTj, he cared more about physical comfort than financial advancement, so he didn't want to move out of our comfortable rental townhouse in a little town and into a fixer in the city. As time went by it became apparent that every step I made towards my goals was also a step away from him. I knew that the relationship wasn't good for either of us. Being with each other was just setting ourselves up for failure because neither of us could be what the other needed. Now I'm with someone who thinks that my enterprising nature is the most attractive thing about me, but I'm still not quite back to being the way I was before.

    It's important to understand that it's not that you weren't good enough, it's that you weren't compatible. In an ideal relationship, what your partner needs and appreciates the most are your greatest strengths, and vice versa. The best thing you can do for your partner is be the best *you* that you can possibly be.

    If you read the INTj/ESFj duality description you may understand better why you're not compatible with her: http://the16types.info/forums/viewtopic.php?t=11214 (If she's INTj... it's common to mistype people the first time, especially when you're new to the theory.)
    SEE-Se, 852 sx/so

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    It's important to understand that it's not that you weren't good enough, it's that you weren't compatible.

    I understand that now but I didn't before. Also I'm sure I didn't mistype her and I'm about to read the INTj-ESFj duality.
    INFP

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    Quote Originally Posted by nerv_damage
    It's important to understand that it's not that you weren't good enough, it's that you weren't compatible.

    I understand that now but I didn't before. Also I'm sure I didn't mistype her and I'm about to read the INTj-ESFj duality.
    if it makes you feel any better benefit relations are common in romantic relationships. had one myself which was pretty good. and it's usually the benefactor who leaves the beneficiary, which sounds like was the case for you.

    i wasn't implying that you were smoking weed by the way :wink: it was just the first example i thought of in response to your topic....

    good to know you won't be pining for too long. it's really a waste of your (precious) time!

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    I'm not sue I'm ESTp but just in case I will come out as one, I will use this opportunity to ask you. Ok, what if me an INFp got married and she loves me. Will she continue to search for the perfect lover? But I suppose it's quite a self explanatory question in that, as you yourself said in one post, shit happens in life, and that may happen too. Can you tell me then, though, do INFps have some sort of switch for Se or something, so, say in case when the man has periods of non-confidence or something (I have that at times, but, again, not sure if I'm ESTp), but since INFps really need the Se, the switch may click and they will leave. Yes or no?
    We don't constantly need Se. We prefer to have it constantly but if there is a time when you aren't as confident, the INFp may reinstall that confidence in you if you have lost it for whatever reason. If she loves you, you do not have to worry at all about her leaving you. Also if an INFp loves you, they let you know. They not only show it but say it as well. Hope that helps enough and if it doesn't, please come back to me with whatever questions you have. I'll be more than happy to answer anything to the best of my knowledge.
    INFP

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    INFps in love only think about that person and no one else. Even if a better ESTp comes along they most likely won't even notice them.
    I'm pretty sure about this info judging from myself and a few INFps I know. If anyone can prove me wrong, go right ahead.
    INFP

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    what subtype was the INTj nd? I've had several experiences with Ni INFps and it's always them that gets really fed up with no Se, then disappear. :/

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    I am an Fe subtype and I have no clue what subtype she is.
    INFP

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    Éminence grise mikemex's Avatar
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    They have not discovered the panacea for love affairs:

    [] | NP | 3[6w5]8 so/sp | Type thread | My typing of forum members | Johari (Strengths) | Nohari (Weaknesses)

    You know what? You're an individual, and that makes people nervous. And it's gonna keep making people nervous for the rest of your life.
    - Ole Golly from Harriet, the spy.

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    oh but they have mikemex. just visit a divorce or criminal court sometime....

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    Quote Originally Posted by nerv_damage
    how about 2-4 years?
    yeah that's too long. i know an enfj would never really got over a long lost unrequited love. with her there's like this tragedy thing going, like this is a total tragedy; i think this reinforces her loss issues it because she likes drama. the other thing that keeps her from moving on is the fact that she continues to smoke a lot of weed....she's out of touch with the specifics of her feelings so the weed kinda keeps things pushed down.

    i have yet to see delta NF's fail to move on though. they get philosophical and deal with things. so maybe the phenom you're describing is a beta nf thing.
    hey diamond! um yeah i have never smoked weed and i don't intend on it haha...but yeah i did forget about my estp and i actually began to like someone else for a while and now i have stopped liking him...I think my estp is finally mature but I guess we'll see wat happens...I hate being an NF!! Kidding! Completely luv being depressed at times but it can get over-emotional even for me.

    So i guess i'm gonna be cursed with this for the rest of my life...oh well, at least i have socionics
    ENFj Ni subtype 3w4
    "And once you lose your way you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely"
    formerly onetreehilluver

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