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Thread: INFp boyfriend is driving me INSANE

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    jessica129's Avatar
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    Default INFp boyfriend is driving me INSANE

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    As much as I hate to admit it, that sort of thing does sound very characteristic of an INFp. However, it definately isn't healthy INFp behavior - no one who resorts to cutting themselves is healthy. He seems like a very unstable person. The best thing you can do for him is get him professional attention before he hurts you or (more likely) himself. I definitely sympathize with you - you probably feel like you're walking on a minefield and it's a lose-lose situation whatever you try to do. Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, and from professionals. I've never been in a relationship with an ISTj before, so I'm not sure how compatible you two are, but if the time comes and there's unhealthy feeling between you, don't be afraid to let him go. He'll probably be happier off just being friends, and you won't have to worry about his histrionics.

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    As characteristic as many of those things are for INFP's.... he certainly isn't a healthy one... especially if he's cutting himself. I don't think that's generally an INFP characteristic, just a very unhealthy one.

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    Well, of course he's unhealthy. I really don't think cutting yourself is normal.

    Now, I remember reading an article on this in the "Dear Abby" column. This guy is using the old "please love me or I'll die" attitude in order to keep you. He is placing all his problems on you, and he will only get worse if you leave him. But this is not your fault; it is completely his, and you shouldn't have to go through this. The only way to get out of this is to end the relationship, no matter what he might say or do. You must be firm; if he comes crawling back, you cannot take him back. The self-destructive behavior is just a way to make you pity him, and if you do, your life will be ruined too. Hopefully, he will begin to settle down after he finally realizes that it's over.

    I hope my advice was right. I'm not sure how advantageous it is to take relationship advice from an INTp.
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    Just to clarify, I wasn't saying it's typical INFP behavior to cut themselves.

    That happened awhile ago and he hasn't done anything remotely close to that since then. At the time he did it, he was a borderline alcoholic but I told him if he didn't stop drinking, i'd leave. He hasn't had anything to drink since then. He was very self destructive when he was drunk.

    He's never laid a hand on me and i honestly don't think he ever would and if that ever did happen, you can bet i'd leave him in an instant. Aside from the emotional breakdowns every week, he's a very calm and laid back person. It takes a lot to get him mad. I'm not staying with him because i'm afraid of what he'll do to himself if i leave, i'm staying with him because (as strange as it may sound after reading all the negative things) I care a lot about him and I think people deserve second chances. I guess i just feel really bad for him. He's going through some rough times and basically has no one.

    He's been to a therapist before but lost interest quickly and it didn't seem to work. I just dont feel like i can be myself around him because i can't say whats on my mind. It's very frustrating. From the perspective of an infp, how could i go about telling him what's on my mind without hurting his feelings?

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    Well, I gotta add my two-cents worth as I have first hand knowledge of a relationship like that. My little sister has mental disorders and her boyfriend stayed with her for ten years as he felt if he left she would hurt or kill herself. Finally the emotional wear and tear on him was too much and he had to get out for his own sanity and health. He is happily married now with two children . . . what he always wanted.

    No one is responsible for the destructive actions of another. Get out and get out fast.
    <--- Me pouring out all my love on you!

    Some days its just not worth chewing through the restraints.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    He's been to a therapist before but lost interest quickly and it didn't seem to work. I just dont feel like i can be myself around him because i can't say whats on my mind. It's very frustrating. From the perspective of an infp, how could i go about telling him what's on my mind without hurting his feelings?
    To be honest, I'm not sure how this relationship can be salvaged. If you want the honest opinion of an INFp, I don't think you were meant for each other. It just isn't a healthy bond you have going. If the relationship is one-sided now, it probably will not change. If you feel dejected now, that will probably not change. Sure, you can tell him how you feel as tactfully as possible, but if you two don't mesh, it's not going to do much good.

    Most of the time INFps are very physically affectionate with people they are comfortable with. I think there is definately something wrong if he cannot show his affection to you. From the behavior you described (being aloof, acting arrogant and cocky) I would say he is intimidated/uncomfortable with you.

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    jessica129's Avatar
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    Why do you say that? He has all the characteristics of a P instead of a J. If anything, i'd say P was his strongest function.

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    Yes, but an INFj with histrionic behavior? My INFj friend, in moments of overwhelming problems, would rather choose to ignore the situation and "party the night away". His was more of a denial defense mechanism.
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    I agree with Cone's last post. He does not sound INFj at all. INFjs are very into avoidance of the really unpleasant and not likely to be spending excessively on clothes. I think it extremely unlikely that you will find an INFj that says you take 'life too seriously' as life is taken seriously by all INFjs, maybe if they are just not interested in you and don't want to hurt you probably. While he does sound like an unhealthy INFp as others have said, I suspect that the person in question is too disordered to be typed. His attitude is beyond the irrationality that would be seen in any type even under stress.

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    Whatever the case of this guy's type, I still think the relationship cannot end well. Just, the way Jessica described her feelings about the guy's emotional distance from her, the emotional fragility of the man himself, and just the unwholesome vibes I'm getting about the nature of the relationship seem to make me think neither would be comfortable in a long-term set up.

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    Of course it's wrong. Most people test wrong, anyway.
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    You know what's really strange? I've been wanting him to take the test just to see so he took it tonight and came out INTJ. I'm quite shocked. It has to be wrong.
    I am a little shocked too I guess. It did cross my mind briefly that he could be an INTj because I knew one that feel apart and became highly emotional and irritational like that after months of stress and problems. However, I still think the guy you described is probably too ill to type and the tests are often not reliable especially when a person is having a difficult time.

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    Self-mutilation, the type of mood swings, and recklessness you describe is indicative of someone with a borderline personality. Look up the symptoms of borderline personality disorder on the internet and compare. He might not have the full blown disorder but it sounds like he has some of the traits.

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