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Thread: accepting kindness

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    Default accepting kindness

    I've been told I'm one of the most difficult people to be nice to. A friend of mine bought me a shirt once and when he gave it to me I started yelling at him for being terrible with money (he's an IEI and terrible with money) and that he shouldn't be spending it on crap like that (it was actually a nice shirt and I wear it regularly now). Christmas time is hell for me because people have to give me things, despite how much I plead with them not to give me anything because I know I'm probably going to hate whatever it is they give me and I would rather have nothing than pretend to like something I don't, or worse, failing to pretend thus making a total ass of myself. When people want to do me favors, I almost always refuse, though this is starting to be less of an issue for me. When people compliment most things about me, I have no idea what to say, so I end up ignoring them and coming off as a complete dick. People always say to me "why were you such an asshole to that guy, he was only trying to be nice to you" and so on.

    Is this like gone mad?
    is like the complete opposite of this, right?
    I think I need some help with this.
    INTj

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    U need your dual.

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    Creepy-bg

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    I love it when people give me stuff and only feel awkward when I realise I haven't returned the favor due to laziness. Compliments I like but there's always a day or two of paranoia when I think they were being sarcastic or just trying to boost my ego (childhood issues ) After awhile though when it sets in that they were being sincere I light up and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It totally makes my day (or the day or two after when I finally get over my insecurity issues and take a compliment as a compliment)

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    Quote Originally Posted by cracka
    U need your dual.
    It's so obvious, isn't it? Something like this wouldn't even occur to an ESFj. Changing my logical framework is the only thing I can really do on my own.
    INTj

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    It is a part of porl, actually.

    You do not accept kindness easily because you know it cannot be depended on. I am the same way, if not more so...
    The quote that is often in my signature

    3. Ascetic. He appears extremely uncompromising, often looks down with a piercing look from under his philosopher’s forehead. He toughens himself, training for the cold, starvation, losses and disapproval of others. The only aspect where he willingly concedes to his partner is the issue of dressing, taste and routine chores.
    From a logical standpoint, you realize that any sort of a luxury is ultimately unnecessary. You do not want someone spending their money on you - we hate having to depend on people for sustenance, it is a shot at our competency. Also, accepting and giving of gifts is more severe to us than we can take sometimes, and, personally, I find when someone really gives me a gift to be very moving at times, in an LII sort of way.

    I am sure it is related to dual seeking, because an LII has a very strong reaction to being given a gift. We can tell right away what the angle is on the gift, and are often notoriously suspicious of people's motives for such. So when we find someone who genuinely wants to see us happy (ESE), and is very clear and true in this, it is ... intimate. The Strati profile regarding LIIs about Se and Fe blocks explains it well.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    I'd say that when an esfj gets a compliment it feels like the moons align, the world is happy, and people everywhere are rejoicing.
    They can't wait to say, OMG, Thanks!
    Even something like, "Well you smell nice." will get a nice huge grin, or just really red cheeks from the esfj. I think being around something like that would do wonders for you. Literally, just being around it. Unconsciously, you'd probably notice the signs of how to act about something like this from them.

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    these issues are usually internally created and for the most part other people aren't tuned into your inner emotional drama.
    asd

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    Sometimes you just have to take these things in stride. All you have to do is say "Thank you" even if you don't mean it, most people would be satisfied with that response. Any kind of decent person would only say something to make you feel good, not expecting anything in return (I think). Same with gift giving, if someone wanted to give you a gift it's because they wanted to see you happy, not because they expected you to give them something back. It's just a nice gesture, although I always do feel guilty when someone buys something really nice for me and I have nothing in return. Maybe I'm being a little idealistic. "It's the thought that counts" and all that.
    I'm only a perfectionist when I am not lazy.
    The Humanitarian
    EII

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    I really dislike it when someone from my family buys me something I don't like and says "Here, I bought this for you. I want you to wear (/use) it." I tend to immediately show my true feelings as I think it would be dishonest to pretend/lie about it. Better let them know right out then letting them realize afterwards by seeing me throwing the "thing" to garbage or somewhere where it will only collect dust. I 've done that too, but it doesn't feel right.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
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    I'm horrible at getting gifts. I feel horribly embarassed whenever someone gets me something without occasion.

    When people try to do something for me that I don't ask them to do, I get all blushy and say "Nonononon, it's fine, I can do it..."

    Bleh, arrogance...
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Eventually you go beyond this trouble of course. It is not a big deal either way, receiving a gift...

    these issues are usually internally created and for the most part other people aren't tuned into your inner emotional drama.
    Fair point.


    ...so if you carry no emotional drama within you, then when you receive a gift you can just accept a gift, and let it be just that. No baggage, no drama.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Yes. A gift is something nice that someone gives you. The motives behind the giving are usually obvious. Questioning these actions is more of a sign of emotional immaturity than type behaviour.
    asd

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    i love giving and receiving gifts....the only hard part is if somebody doesn't like their gift or it turns out to be the wrong thing. that kind of sucks.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
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    See, I LOVE giving gifts; more than getting them, with few exceptions. I just feel awkward when someone does something for me out of their own free will, and, like I said, without occasion. I can't think of a better way to describe it than feeling guilt.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Default Re: accepting kindness

    [quote="ataronchronon"]I've been told I'm one of the most difficult people to be nice to. A friend of mine bought me a shirt once and when he gave it to me I started yelling at him for being terrible with money (he's an IEI and terrible with money) and that he shouldn't be spending it on crap like that (it was actually a nice shirt and I wear it regularly now). Christmas time is hell for me because people have to give me things, despite how much I plead with them not to give me anything because I know I'm probably going to hate whatever it is they give me and I would rather have nothing than pretend to like something I don't, or worse, failing to pretend thus making a total ass of myself. When people want to do me favors, I almost always refuse, though this is starting to be less of an issue for me. When


    ***

    I have to say that ESFJs sure wont turn down money, gifts or anything that reminds them of their greatnessl.

    Although I can also say that they can be cheritable. Even with all my idealism the ESFJ can still accomplish more to give back. So I guess that recieving can be related also to giving.

    On a purely subjective level, at some point, for me, christmas with family became unbearable and birthdays which I used to price are embarassing and slighly depressing. But I found my last holidays with family very depressing.

    I can appreciate the INTJ inclination to turn away from things like this. A dual might create balance there. But I do still apprecate and relate to that aspect of their nature.

    lefty
    enfj 4w5

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