Well there I have it. I dug and dug into this system and now I understand why I'm so distant with my family. The truth really can make you sad sometimes. As an ILE I explore and express myself with and a general lets have fun vibe. I'm always stuck in possibilities and systems. Yet every single one of my family members, apart from my Step mother and to some extent, my father (but I don't live with them) wants noting to do with these functions. Everyone at home is completely out of sync with me. My mom is an EII, my step father a SEE, and my step brother is actually an ESI.
Essentially every single member of my family falls into this really horrible spot where no matter what I try, I can't meaningfully connect with any of them. Everyone is pretty much oblivious, or repelled by . What ends up happening is I try and be myself, and express myself as I normally do, I pull out facts and observations and systems and try to talk about things they care about, but in the end I get either ignored, shut down, or they completely change topic to their lead function. And in my mother and step brother's case, I get a hit right in the Vulnerable function, 4x super effective. Instant jarring annoyance and repulsion.
Everyone used to wonder why I'd just hide in my room all day and not interact with them, even I did. But now I realize, I did it subconsciously because I love them and interacting pushes us further apart and into stress, and I don't want that... It couldn't be true so I spent an entire day with my mom, just trying to have fun and reconnect with her. What did I get? One word answers, total ignoring, or segways straight into . So in addition to getting non stop annoyance, I have the overarching theme of not being appreciated and being utterly ignored. You know, that little thing that I not so secretly really want? That ?
So I realized today how really unhealthy my family is for me. What do you do when this is an ongoing theme for your entire life, you finally realize it but it's outside of everyone's very soul to reconcile it? Where even trying to explain the dynamics falls on deaf ears because you fundamentally can't connect? Why is it that the only people I'm forced to be around and expected to love can't comprehend me and vice versa, while all of my friends who I get to chose to bring into my life are amazing and awesome and can listen?
What's my next move?
I hate when I figure out systems that are limiting me...