The Retarded Functions
Jung's cognitive functions, at their worst when used by stupid people
Ni: OMG has anyone ever noticed the pattern behind the shape of the world's pyramids and the supposed sightings of aliens? Don't you guys see(?), there's a pattern here that reveals the hidden truth in works of Nostradamos and DaVince. This is a sign of the apocalypse!
Ne: Say who would win in a fight, godzilla with alzheimer's, or superman after a sex change operation? Has it ever snowed in San Fransico? Can I make a makeshift flamthrower out of a watergun and lighter? If cheetahs are the fastest land animal ever than how come they can't outrun the speed of light?
Si: One day I got up out of bed and tripped down the stairs. It occured several times again, and so I have made a traditional habit of always making sure that I fall down the stairs when I get up out of bed.
Se: Whooooooooo PARTY! I'm going to guzzle over fifty beers then have sex with 100 women! Then guzzle more beers! The more sex! Then I'm going to do the most awesome stunt where I skateboard down the side of a skycraper cause it's intense, yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fi: My beleifs are right and everyone else is wrong! My emotionally charged values about the world must be right cause I said so! I don't care if you think they're illogical or silly! EMO!
Fe: You guys we have to follow the social rules! I don't care if you guys think that murdering ginger people is wrong, it's our customary way of life and is expected of us from our peers, we have to do it!
Ti: I've come to my own logical conclusion that the world operates according to a made up system that I created. I don't need external data or evidence to pove that I'm right, as far as I'm concerned people can be divided up into several groups: fat people, those whom don't know 'there' from 'their', and jews.
Te: Everyone work faster! You there new guy! You're working until the crack of dawn! I don't care if you haven't slept in three days, tough shit! And everyone will keep working so long as the standard protocal tells us to! *cracks whip*
If types prayed...
ISTP: God, please help me to consider other people's feelings, even if most of them ARE excessively hypersensitive.
ESTP: God help me to accept responsibility for my own actions, even though problems are usually NOT my fault.
ESTJ: God, please help me to not try to RUN everything. (But, if You need some help, just ask.)
ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax my focus on insignificant details, even though any of them may cause significant problems later. Begin this tomorrow at 8:31:04 am.
ISFJ: Lord, please help me to be more laid back and help me to do that EXACTLY right.
ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).
ESFP: God help me to take things more seriously, especially jokes, parties, conversation and dancing.
ESFJ: God give me the patience I need to deal with things more effectively, and I mean right NOW!
INFJ: Lord. Please help me not to be so perfectionistic! (Did I spell that correctly?)
INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta..
ENFP: God, please help me to keep my mind on one... Look a butterfly! thing at a time.
ENFJ: God help me to do only what I can, trusting you for all the rest. But would you mind putting that in writing?
INTJ: Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
INTP: Lord, please help me to be a little less independent - but in my own way, of course.
ENTP: Lord, please help me follow our established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a couple of minutes.
How many ______ does it take to change a light bulb?
xSFJ: One. Because they have to do everything around here, and no one appreciates them!
xSTJ: Two. One to read the instructions line by line, and the other to argue about the interpretation of them, eventually agreeing and changing the bulb together.
xSFP: Two. One to complain that it's dark, and another to cajole some other type into fixing it.
xSTP: Three. One to try removing the bulb out with a gadget they invented and electrocuting themselves, another to call 911, and a third to laugh at them and do it the right way.
xNFJ: Three. One to talk about the meaning and symbolism of darkness as a metaphor for death/sleep in a larger context, another to try and come to a compromise with everyone else about how the bulb should be changed, and a third to decide to change the bulb so as to provide a prop to share their ideas about the symbolism of light as representing understanding.
xNTJ: Three. One to propose how it should be changed, the other to argue about why their method wouldn't work, and the other to take the initiative on their own to sneak behind the backs of the first two while they argue and change it their way.
xNFP: Zero. They don't want the light to come back, because the darkness reflects the inner turmoil and depression of their souls.
xNTP: Four. One to stand there and make sarcastic/humorous comments about everything the others do, one to keep arguing about the definition of "light bulb," another to claim that candles are good enough and this is an unjustified waste of electricity, and a fourth to come in with a comprehensive and difficult to disprove argument that explains why bulbs are the best choice we have right now, convincing the others to let them change the bulb this time.
Occupations by type
ENTP: Mad Scientist - "Not tonight, honey; I'm inventing a gigantic robot that will melt the sun and help me enslave the human race so I can take over the world... Okay, maybe that can wait 'till tomorrow."
ENFJ: Cult Leader - "See that impossibly high mountain dappled with sharp, ominous rocks? At the very top is where we're going to meditate."
ESFJ: Control Freak - Ideal for jobs such as middle management at a large chain department store, senior bank teller, and Jedi Master.
ESTJ: Bureaucrat - Often have an abnormal obsession with being normal at any costs.
ENTJ: Evil Overlord - Characterized by their overwhelming desire to crush the world benieth their boot.
INFJ: Conspiracy Theorist - Common jobs often held by INFJs include vagrant, loony, whacko, and writer/director/producer of the television show "Seinfeld." INFJs can also be found feeding that crucial bit of information to determined FBI agents just before they are brutally murdered.
INFP: Idealist -Iirrational thought patterns may sometimes cause INFPs to run off and join the circus, the Resistance, or the Rebellion, where they tend to do well in any position requiring excellent hand-eye coordination or mastery of the Force.
ENFP: Scientologist - Always seeking the answers to the great mysteries of life, such as "Who are we?" and "How can I use two tin cans and a Radio Shack multimeter to bring enlightenment to the world?" and "What is it with UFOs and anal probing, anyway?" Famous ENFPs include anyone who has ever dated Tom Cruise.
ISTJ: Thought Police - "Keep the insanity on the other side of the internet, please..."
ESFP: National Enquirer Headline - Often die in bizarre circumstances, usually involving jealous boyfriends, exotic dancers, escaped pythons, feather boas, and falls from the penthouse floor of high-rise apartments; those who don't, usually die of veneral diseases.
INTP: Egghead - May be able to tell you how to construct a nuclear reactor from a coconut and two pieces of string, but may be completely incapable of fixing a hole in a boat.
INTJ: Outside Contradictor - Are often baffled by the strange and incomprehensible recreational rituals of other people, such as going to parties, watching television, and having sex. Instead, they prefer to spend their leisure time installing twin missile launchers in their cars to deter tailgaters.
ISTP: Psycho Vigilante - Don't often get along well with their extroverted cousins, Evil Overlords and Mad Scientists. Instead, they prefer the company of INTPs, or perhaps their pets. Romantic relationships with ISTPs tend to be drawn-out, tragic affairs, filled with bitterness, longing, and teenage angst.
ISFP: Crackpot - Seem flighty and their attention span appears short to an outsider; ISFPs live by the motto "Life is best approach--oh, look, potato chips!"
ISFJ: Martyr - You're spending the entire weekend cooking souffle for your husband's big dinner with his boss or giving over your body as a vehicle for the Shoggoth from beneath the ancient city of the Old Ones so that the Great Gods can rise again, selflessness and service are your hallmarks.
ESTP: Conman - Your greatest fear is failure. Under no circumstances will you permit yourself that kind of weakness, which makes you ideally suited for a job at Enron, where your natural talents can be recognized and rewarded.
Q: How many Introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. As each takes up the place in the room furthest from every other introvert, the 5th will end up in the middle of the room near enough to the lightbulb to change it.
A: Just one, but three will show up with a new lightbulb because they wouldn’t talk to anyone else about their plans.
A: None. Having the lights on just makes more people come and visit.
2. Q: How many introverts does it take to have a meeting?
A: It only takes two but they both need to have a computer and an internet connection.
3. How can you tell the difference between a Finnish introvert and a Finnish extrovert?
A. When he's talking to you a Finnish introvert looks at his feet. A Finnish extrovert looks at yours!
An iNtuitive walked into a bar:
"Ouch. Who put that there?"
How do you score INTJ on the personality tests?
INTJ: Easy, just pick all the right answers.
Two men were sitting on a bench in a park.
One of them was drunk, and the other was also ESFP.
Wife walks in on INTP husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman.
He shouts, “I can explain everything!”
An ISTJ, an INTP and an ESTP stay in a hotel.
The ESTP is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the ISTJ gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
At last, the INTP awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.
An optimist sees the donut. A pessimist sees the hole.
An intuitive looks through the hole and doesn't realize the donut is even there.
Two INTPs are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
So an ISTP walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, "All right, pal. I'll let you stay, but don't start anything."
An ENFJ walks by a lonely soul.
"To Fe or not to Fe, that is the question."
An introvert husband and introverted wife were having difficulties in their relationship. One night, the introvert husband went to bed early and wrote a note for his introvert wife saying "please wake me at 5am, as I have to catch a flight". The next morning, he woke up at 9am, and realised he had missed his flight. He was about to get angry with his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by his side of the bed, that said "it's 5am: wake up".
An INTP (Engineer) was crossing a road near a pond when he comes across a frog. The frog suddenly starts talking :
- If you kiss me, I will become a beautiful princess.
The INTP takes the frog and puts it into his pocket. The frog repeated louder :
-Listen, if you kiss me, I will stay with you the whole week.
The INTP takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at her and puts it back into his pocket. At this point the frog yelled :
- Now listen mister, if you kiss me, I will become a beautiful princess! I will stay with you all week aaaannd...I will do whatever you want me to.
The INTP takes the frog out of his pocket again, smiles at her and puts it back into his pocket. The frog becomes hysterical :
- Man, wtf is wrong with you?! Didn't you hear I'm a beautiful princess and I will make love to you for a whole week!? What's the idea, why don't you just kiss me and lets get over with this!
The INTP replies :
- Look, I'm an engineer, I have no time for women, but stumbling upon a talking frog...now that's interesting!
Two INTPs (engineering students) were walking through a campus, when one of them says :
-Hey, where did you get this beautiful bicycle?
Second answers :
-Well, I was walking through the neighbourhood, thinking of my papers I have to turn in, minding my own business when this amazingly beautiful woman comes riding this bicycle. She starts to take all her clothes off and as she finishes she says :
-Feel free to take whatever you like.
The other nods in an approving manner :
- You made a good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.
By functions - Is the glass half full or half empty?
Te: "The glass can hold double the volume required for this amount of water."
Ti: "That depends on whether it is in the process of being filled up or emptied. Saying that the glass contains 50% water is correct in both cases, and therefore the most stringent answer possible. Now, one could actually measure it, but seriously, who'd actually do that?"
Fe: "That's really not a lot of water, you know. We should share it, for fairness sake.
Fi: "That depends on if you're an optimist or a pessimist."
Se: "Nice! Water! *Drinks all the water* "Thanks! What was your question again?"
Si: *Brings out the ruler* "It's neither. To be precise, this glass contains 52% water and 48% air. It's a trick question, you silly, you!
Ne: "Why is it always a glass in this metaphor? Glass is boring. Why not use a vase or a didgeridoo instead? It's worth a try! ... Although a didgeridoo would leak, now that I think about it. But that can be fixed with a plug! Just listen to it: Is this didgeridoo half full or half empty? You see? Much more fun!"
Ni: "It's a transparent concave object containing an amount of liquid, roughly half the amount this container can hold. The amount of liquid does not change depending on what words you choose for your answer. This is not a glass of water. This is a metaphoric tool you attempt to use to probe my general view of life."
By type - Is the glass half full or half empty?
ENFJ - Look in your heart. It holds the answers to all of life's mysteries. It will tell you what the glass is.
ENFP - Hey!!! I bet if we got a Bunch of these glasses we could make a waterslide! Or maybe a pool! Oh wait, we could freeze this water and make an ice sculpture! Or we could...
INFP - Can't you see how this glass represents our world? It is neither perfect nor bad, it's simply here and its value is determined by each and every one of us. We cannot survive if we don't drink the water...if we don't get along with our fellow people.
INFJ - (closes eyes, concentrates) It's half-empty. (The INFJ is referring to a glass that is 200 miles away)
ENTJ - You call this competence?!?!?!
INTJ - How can you say it's half-full? It's half-empty! I refuse to listen to your reasoning!
ENTP - Hmm...it's...(Ingeniously constructs a hacksaw from two straws and a shoelace, cuts the glass in half)...Ah...Now it's completely full!
INTP - What? (Looks up in bewilderment after being distracted from his mathematical theory book)
ESTJ - Dag nabbit! Look! This water isn't even filled up all the way! What is this world coming to? You know, maybe if people respect the law like they used to in the good old days...
ESFJ - It's half-full! But we better fill it up all the way before our guests arrive! We must give them a cordial welcome!
ISTJ - It's half-empty. Such a lazy waiter. Things could get done around here if people worked hard and took more responsibility!
ISFJ - No, I don't want this glass. I don't deserve it. (Really a ploy to make you feel guilty!)
ESTP - Water?!?! Bah! Give me Beer! HEY ZEKE! GOT ANY BUDWEISER? And bring out the darts - me and Johnny got a bet going on!
ESFP - (Not present to answer because he/she is out at a party)
ISTP - Eh. Just water. Needs to be spiked with some Jack Daniels though.
ISFP - (Adds a pinch of lemon) Salut! (Sips while listening to Mozart)
Ti: I have made a blueprint for a house. It will be totally awesome. It will not need any outside source of water or electricity. I have solved that. Also, it will keep warm the year around. I have solved that problem too. This is the perfect house. I know this.
Te: *looks at the blueprint* ... ... Uhm. Sorry to say this, but um... Based on the carrying power of steel, this structure wouldn't be able to hold it's own weight.
Ti: *looks at the blueprint and scratches head while pondering the problems for a moment*... Well, you seem to be correct, but that is easily fixed. *scribbles a small note in the corner of the blueprint*
Te: That's quick. What did you do?
Ti: I took a holistic approach and changed the gravity constant to -5%. Now the house is flawless. By the way, don't be surprised if lightweight objects start levitating towards the sky. This is normal now.
How to Come Up With Jokes for Each Type
INTP: Find a list of engineer jokes and tell Microsoft Word to replace "engineer" with "INTP."
ISTP: Go to the hardware store and pick up anything that looks weird. Then give the pile to the ISTP, and see what kind of robot he assembles. Don't be surprised if the ISTP you find is Grant Imahara, because he gravitates toward weird-shaped piles of metal.
INFP: Find a child INFP and ask them about God. It's cute.
ISFP: Get them to cook you something "exotic."
ENTP: The "witty lawyer" jokes... they'll fit
ENFP: Ask them what they often did as a kid, then ask them what they did last week.
ESTP: Ask them how they do something tedious. You're bound to get a snarky response.
ESFP: Ask about the rest of their social group. Or just go to a party and wait for something stupid or silly to happen, then credit it to an ESFP, because nine out of ten people at parties are ESFP... jk
INTJ: Find one and do something extremely stupid, then videotape their reaction. It won't be pretty, but people won't mind watching on a screen far away from wherever you are in the same way they like watching bombs explode.
INFJ: People-watch them while they're organizing something.
ISTJ: Watch them try to date.
ISFJ: Put them in a very, very clean room for several hours. Without anything to clean, help with, or complain about, they will go insane.
ENTJ: Start talking about politics. It'll get very funny, very fast.
ENFJ: Get them talking.
ESTJ: Watch them reprimand children.
ESFJ: Explain that you don't need to organize your schedule, your mom does that for you.
Crossing the road...
Why did the ESFP cross the road?
To get to the party on the other side!
Why did the ESTP cross the road?
To showcase his miraculous three-in-one road-crossing foot healers.
Why did the ISFP cross the road?
Well, you see, there was this butterfly and—oh look, there it is again!
Why did the ISTP cross the road?
To get to the LOWE’S on the other side.
Why did the ESFJ cross the road?
Well, everyone else was doing it…
Why did the ESTJ cross the road?
Look, buddy, it’s my job…
Why did the ISFJ cross the road?
To prove to the others that it was safe to do so.
Why did the ISTJ cross the road?
Are you suggesting that I should not have crossed the road?
Why did the ENFP cross the road?
Because—oh, look, bubbles!
Why did the ENFJ cross the road?
That others may follow.
Why did the INFP cross the road?
The act of crossing from safety, through danger, to safety, is highly symbolic of the passage of life in an epic quest…
Why did the INFJ cross the road?
I was following the light.
Why did the ENTP cross the road?
To catch my runaway laser-eyed robots!! You haven’t seen them by any chance, have you?
Why did the ENTJ cross the road?
To conquer the neighboring realm.
Why did the INTP cross the road?
I don’t really remember… I was contemplating the existence of infinity (walks into sign)
Why did the INTJ cross the road?
It’s all a part of the plan
If Trapped on a Desert Island...
ISTJ: Now who do I micromanage?
ESTJ: Well it's good to be in charge...
ISTP: It's good to get a break from humanity and chill...
ESTP: How the hell do I get outta this wretched place?
ESFP: I'm sooo bored!
ISFJ: Chillaxing was fine for a hour, but now I really gotta get outta here...
ESFJ: Would have organised several ways outta there within hours
ENTP: This sounded funnier than it is...
INTJ: I am Lord and Master over this realm..!
ENTJ: Now who am I Lord and Master over..?
INFJ: I've been sent here to save the island!
ENFJ: As long as I have my friends and family... I don't?!
INFP: As long as I have a Man Friday type to deal with the practical needs of surviving, I think I'm in heaven...
ENFP: Jeez, I thought this was dessert island?
ESTJ: Tirelessly collects coconuts
ISTJ: Counts, categorises and inventories ESTJ's coconuts
ISTP: Fashions a spear and promptly kills a shark
ESTP: Starts selling coconuts to the highest bidders
ISFP: Kicks back under a palm tree and enjoys his holiday
ESFP: Can't stop talking about having a Luau
ESFJ: Organises a Luau
ISFJ: Worries about everything
ENFP: Demands protection for the rest of the lagoons sharks
INFP: Climbs the nearest mountain and gets back intouch with his inner self
INTP: Goes into withdrawal due to lack of technology
ENTP: Fashions a hotair balloon out of banana leaves and seaweed rope and laughs at the others as the wind carries him away
INTJ: Lectures the ISTJ on the inefficiencies in his counting system
ENTJ: Starts planning a 13 story tree hotel
INFJ: Envisions a new idyllic societal structure for the island
ENFJ: Says "come on everyone, follow me!" as he paddles out to sea on a log only to drift back three days later
Cheesy pick-up lines by type
ISTJ: Stand still so I can pick you up.
ISFJ: If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be walking through my garden forever.
ESTJ: Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
ESFJ: (hold out hand) Would you hold this for me while I go for a walk?
ISTP: Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?
ISFP: Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
ESTP: Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me.
ESFP: If I followed you home, would you keep me?
INTJ: Giant polar bear. ("What?") It broke the ice.
INTP: You know, we have actually met before. Remember the dream you had of the perfect guy/girl? I was the guy/girl standing to his/her right.
ENTJ: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? (“No.”) Well then, please start.
ENTP: If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".
INFJ: See this pin? I want to prick you with it to see if you truly do bleed sunshine.
INFP: Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my Mum and tell her I just met the person I'm going to marry.
ENFJ: Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
ENFP: Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
How to Annoy a Sensor
1. Insist that 2+2 can, theoretically, equal infinity.
2. Finish all your sentences with "maybe."
3. Wait fifteen seconds with a blank, staring expression before answering their question.
4. Hang all your posters with a slight tilt to the left. They'll notice.
5. Repeat this conversation over and over: "Hey! I just had a brilliant idea!" "What?" "Oh... no... wait... lemme think...Oh!" "What?" "Oh... no... wait..."
7. Skip numbers in numbered lists.
8. Tell them absurd/impossible "facts," like "Some people eat earthworms' eyes as a source of protein."
10. Doodle on whatever paper you have in front of you.
11. Tap your feet constantly.
12. Talk at length about how round 12 actually is because of all of the numbers that divide evenly into it.
13. Don't end lists on round numbers.
ENTJ: The Evil Overlord
The ENTJ is best characterized by his charisma, his ability to grasp complex situations and to think flexibly and creatively, his keen and active intelligence, and his overwhelming desire to crush the world beneath his boot. ENTJs are naturally outgoing and love the company of other people, particulalry minions, henchmen, slaves, and the others they rule with ruthless efficiency.
ENTJs usually die at the hand of secret government agents in a fiery cataclysm that destroys their entire underground fortress. Often, Evil Overlords will have a secret clone whose implanted memories contain all the knowledge and ambition of the original, stored in cryonic suspension in a safe location. The clone will appear in a sequel.
RECREATION: ENTJs enjoy spending their leisure time in groups, seeking out the company of others with whom they can exchange strategies and ideas, and test their mind control rays. They also enjoy competitive games which challenge them intellectually, such as chess, go, and "tell me where the missiles are or I'll open the pirhana cage and the girl dies."
COMPATIBILITY: Ideal companions include ENTPs, whose inventive natures often most useful; and ESTJs, who make excellent henchmen once the neural realignment is complete. ENTJs often employ the services of ISTJs but don't usually make good romantic partners with them. Under no circumstances should an ENTJ ever date an ENFJ; no good can come of it.
Famous ENTJs include Ming the Merciless, John Bigboote, and Charles Montgomery Burns.
ENTP: The Mad Scientist
The ENTP, like the ENTJ, is charismatic, outgoing, and intelligent. ENTPs are often quickwitted, clever, and genial; they typically display a highly organized, rational cognitive ability which makes them natural scientists and inventors.
ENTPs are creative, complex people who seek to improve their understanding of the natural world, usually by building armored fifty-story-tall robotic monsters with iron jaws and death-ray eyes, or by creating genetically mutated plagues that spread unstoppably across the land, turning all who are contaminated into mindless zombie drones. They are less likely to want to conquer the world than to destroy it utterly, reducing it to nothing but slag and rubble--though this is often merely a side-effect of their pursuit of knowledge.
RECREATION: ENTPs enjoy recreational activities which challenge them physically and intellectually, such as water skiing and porting Linux to their iPods. They are also fond of collecting gadgets like combination cellpone/PDAs and orbiting arsenals of brain lasers, which they may port Linux to as well.
COMPATIBILITY: ENTPs and ENTJs make natural companions, as the one's unspeakable hunger for power complements the other's unspeakable hunger for knowledge. They do not generally build successful relationships with ESFJs, as ENTPs they are prone to behaving in inconveniently erratic ways, which pisses ESFJs off to no end; and because ENTPs simply do not know how to dress appropriately for formal occasions.
Famous ENTPs include Spencer Silver (the inventor of Post-It Notes), Robert Oppenheimer, and Dr. Jeckyll.
ENFJ: The Cult Leader
ENFJs are big thinkers. They are extremely charismatic, and wish to offer the benefit of their wisdom to the world at large. They tend to see the grand scheme of things, and to be able to deduce connections between things that other people miss; these psychological personality traits are the result fo the fact that they are the Messiah.
ENFJs use their charisma and their knowledge to teach others, benevolently helping their fellow man reach a higher plane of evolution through such unorthodox but enlightened means as Psychic Third Nostril Enlargement. They then retire to secluded farmhouses in rural areas, where their followers express appreciation for the ENFJs by signing over all their worldly possessions and giving up their wives and daughters to the ENFJ's "special care."
RECREATION: ENFJs are fond of collecting things, such as wives, guns, ammunition, and FBI search warrants. ENFJs often pass their leisure time engaged in such pursuits as self-flagellation or being nailed to things. Some ENFJs eschew these activities, preferring instead to watch their followers engage in them, offering suggestions and gentle advice when appropriate.
COMPATIBILITY: ENFJs make natural companions and mentors to INFJs. They often get along well with ENFPs, although a friendly rivalry may sometimes erupt between the two.
Famous ENFJs include J. R. "Bob" Dobbs.
ESFJ: The Control Freak
Champions of rule and tradition, defender of convention and order, the ESFJ values predictability, consistency, promptness, and continuity. This love of order, stability, and tradition most often manifests as a fanatical and almost compulsive control freakery, combined with an anal-retentive streak that is at once maddening and infuriating to those around them.
ESFJs are often friendly, outgoing, and generous, at least until you cross them. This generous nature, in combination with their obsessive need for control, makes them ideal for such jobs as Jedi master, senior bank teller, or middle management at a large chain department store. Most ESFJs die of heart attacks, at least the ones who aren't slain in a galactic power coup made possible by the rigid, dogmatic inflexibility and self-absorbed narcissism of their Jedi order.
RECREATION: ESFJs are fond of celebrating birthdays, bar mitzvahs, initiations into the grand order of the Golden Dawn, and other momentous occasions. They also take delight in creating elaborate schedules on their PDAs, memorizing the Periodic Table of Elements, and ripping off the heads of those who cross them before laying their eggs in the victim's neck, which hatch into larvae that devour the victim over a period of many years.
COMPATIBILITY: ESFJs are most compatible with ESTJs, who love and cherish the ESFJ's control freakery.
Famous ESFJs: Fame? A Jedi craves not these things!
ESTJ: The Bureaucrat
Like ESFJs, ESTJs value continuity and order. They have outstanding organizational skills, and are meticulousand detail-oriented. Unlike ESFJs, ESTJs are followers and joiners; they are happiest when they belong to organizations, the larger and more mind-numbing the better. ESFJs often have an abnormal obsession with being normal at all costs.
ESTJs thrive in occupations which best utilize their organizational skills, such as driver's license bureau worker, junior bank teller, postal employee, COBOL programmer, or any other profession which involves long periods of mind-crushing tedium, preferably involving counting things. Quiet and courageous, they can perform difficult tasks other personality types are not well-suited for, such as denying health insurance benefits to crippled children with leukemia. They also make excellent extras in Hollywood movies.
RECREATION: ESTJs enjoy the company of others, and are often fixtures at office parties, where they cut loose by working the photocopier that the naked ESFP is sitting on. They also enjoy lining up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
COMPATIBILITY: ESTJs make good companions for ESFJs; the ESFJ lays down how it's going to be, and the ESTJ happily bounds along like a puppy dog. A big, orderly, tidy puppy dog that loves to count things.
Famous ESTJs include Count von Count and "Orgazmo's" Joe Young.
INFJ: The Conspiracy Theorist
Beneath the calm, collected exterior of the INFJ lies the horrible reality of someone who has seen The Truth. The INFJ knows what other people are too naive or too brainwasted to admit: the Conspiracy is real. Mistrustful and suspicious, the INFJ is not easily fooled, and does not take the word of the government-controlled medico-military-industrial complex for anything. Whether it's uncovering the plot by butter-eating Jews to clog the arteries of Christian folk with artificial margarine or discovering the secret laboratory in Tibet that's producing legions of Jimmy Carter clones that will be sent out to seize the manufacturing facilities in the Guangdong Province of China under the pretext of inspecting chickens for influenza, there is no lengths the INFJ won't go to in order to blow the lid off the whole thing.
INFJs can often be found holding down jobs as AM radio talk-show hosts. They can also be found driving taxis in the greater Washington, DC area. Other common jobs often held by INFJs include vagrant, loony, whacko, and writer/director/producer of the television show "Seinfeld." INFJs can also be found feeding that crucial bit of information to determined FBI agents just before they are brutally murdered.
RECREATION: INFJs often come home from a hard day's work exposing conspiracies about how the government is poisoning us with mind-control agents spread by passenger airliners and unwind by spending all night writing Web sites exposing conspiracies about how NASA faked the Bush election.
COMPATIBILITY: INFJs are usually happiest and most successful in relationships with Julia Roberts, though the relationships may not end happily.
Famous INFJs include...well, if I told you, I'd have to kill you.
INFP: The Idealist
The INFP is a dreamy, imaginitive, idealist, capable of finding the good in anything or anyone, even something as foul as Newark, New Jersey. INFPs are sometimes dangerous to the well-being of society as a whole, as they are prone to adopting subversive and destructive ideologies like "The world should be fair," "People should treat one another well," and "You know, 'Friends' is a really, really stupid television show."
These irrational thought patterns may sometimes cause INFPs to run off and join the circus, the Resistance, or the Rebellion, where they tend to do well in any position requiring excellent hand-eye coordination or mastery of the Force.
COMPATIBILITY: INFPs and ISTJs generally exhibit a natural predator/prey relationship, which, though it might appear harsh and cruel from the outside, is all part of the natural cycle of life. In fact, were it not for the predation of the ISTJ, the population of INFPs would soon grow to unsustainable levels, overwhelming the ability of their ecological niche to support them.
Famous idealists include that girl in your sixth-grade homeroom who got the teacher fired for saying that girls aren't good at math; that guy in the cubicle next to yours who got the manager fired for saying that women don't make good employees; and Anais Nin.
ENFP: The Scientologist
The ENFP is a creative thinker who sees all humanity as connected to a cosmic whole, and gives of himself tirelessly to improve the condition of his fellow man.
Whether he's creating bizarre religions aimed at bringing us all back to our origins as immortal space aliens made of pure thought or conducting seminars and classes on alien abduction, the ENFP is always seeking the answers to the great mysteries of life, such as "Who are we?" and "How can I use two tin cans and a Radio Shack multimeter to bring enlightenment to the world?" and "What is it with UFOs and anal probing, anyway?"
RECREATION: The ENFP is gregarious, outgoing, and slightly silly; they often spend their leisure time engaged in role-playing games, having pillow fights that lead to wild, lustful lesbian orgies, or being abducted by space aliens.
COMPATIBILITY: ENFPs are happiest in relationships with Tom Cruise.
Famous ENFPs include anyone who has ever dated Tom Cruise.
ISTJ: The Thought Police
ISTJs are characterized by loyalty, duty, and civic responsibility. As an ISTJ, you have a natural understanding of the value of civil harmony and order, and a deep-seated dislike of non-conformity, anarchy, and chaos.
For an ISTJ, work is very important to a sense of self-satisfaction. Happiness comes most easily for you when you have a job that allows you to express your ethic. Whether it's blasting traitorous rebel scum as a proud Imperial Stormtrooper or monitoring the population's cerebral implants searching for evidence of unauthorized thought patterns as one of the Thought Police, you're most satisfied when you are crushing the population beneath the iron boot heel of oppression on behalf of your masters.
RECREATION; ISTJs approach leisure with the same dedication they bring to spreading tyrrany and oppression. Common ISTJ pasttimes include cleaning their rifles, improving their marksmanship, betting on political dissidents in the Gladiator Arena, and macrame.
COMPATIBILITY: ISTJs are capable of stong emotional connections, bonding closely with the other ISTJs in their unit, platoon, or sector.
Famous ISTJs include TK-421, Torquemada, and Yuri Andropov.
ESFP: The National Enquirer Headline
An ESFP is a spontaneous, outgoing, charismatic, fun-loving person like the guy you used to room with in college--you know, the one who was found floating face-down in the reservoir with the homecoming queen's underwear in his teeth.
The strongest element of the psychological makeup of an ESFP is his easygoing, impulsive approach to life. ESFPs often build their careers out of dating supermodels, being involved in scandals, and appearing regularly in such newspapers as "The National Enquirer" and "The Weekly World News." ESFPs often die in bizarre circumstances, usually involving jealous boyfriends, exotic dancers, escaped pythons, feather boas, and falls from the penthouse floor of high-rise apartments; those who don't, usually die of veneral diseases.
RECREATION: Everything the ESFP does, whether it's shagging the Brazilian women's volleyball team in a public fountain in downtown New York City or fleeing from their manager in a stolen Ferrari on a winding Milan street, is done for recreation.
COMPATIBILITY: Everyone. ENTPs, INTJs, ENFPs, sea turtles...there's nobody the ESFP won't shag.
Famous ESFPs include every female James Bond character EVER.
INTP: The Egghead
The typical INTP is a logical, abstract thinker whose intellect is ideally suited to understanding pure mathematics, linguistics, formal logic theory, and other pursuits unsuited to making a real living. The INTP can often understand even the most subtle nuances of lattice quantum chromodynamics, but cannot perform more concrete tasks such as dressing himself, operating a motor vehicle, or opening a door. An INTP may be able to tell you how to construct a nuclear reactor from a coconut and two pieces of string, but may be completely incapable of fixing a hole in a boat.
The INTP is really only suited to two careers: college professor and game show contestant. Of these career choices, only one offers the financial rewards which allows him to suport himself; for that reason, INTPs often take the other path, and become tenured academics.
RECREATION: Surprisingly, INTPs are often the hit of the party--not for their sometimes annoying habit of turning every discussion into a debate about semantics nor for their fascinating stories about Pierre de Fermat's habit of writing things in the margins of his books, but for the fact that they often show up with their pants on backwards and that if you put a Post-It note reading "Kick Me" on an INTP's back, he won't notice it no matter how many people kick him. That kind of entertainment never gets old.
COMPATIBILITY: INTPs make ideal companions to INTJs, as neither of them notices they're in a relationship.
Famous INTPs include Pierre de Fermat and almost everyone who knows what Pierre de Fermat wrote in the margins of his book.
INTJ: The outside contractor
INTJs are solid, competent personalities who may seem aloof and even arrogant, but who are typically highly skilled in any field which interests them. INTJs are confident in their skills and knowledge, self-assured, and imaginitive; their exceptional problem-solving skills make them ideal architects, auto mechanics, and tools of the evil empire. While it requires the driving will to conquer of an ENTJ to imagine the Death Star and the evil genius of an ENTP to invent its devastating weapons systems, the skill and technical prowess of the INTJ is what makes the whole thing work.
The INTJ sees life as a problem to be solved. For that reason, the INTJ is the person a company brings in from the outside to streamline production processes and identify redundant assets for termination. The INTJ's combination of analyticial problem-solving skills and complete and utter disregard for the morality or consequences of his actions also make him ideal for the job of hatchet man, CIA operative, and helpdesk operator.
RECREATION: INTJs are often baffled by the strange and incomprehensible recreational rituals of other people, such as going to parties, watching television, and having sex. Instead, they prefer to spend their leisure time installing twin missile launchers in their cars to deter tailgaters and playing chess with megalomaniac CEOs of the Tyrell corporation.
COMPATIBILITY: Silly person, INTJs don't have relationships! They may, however build their own friends.
Famous INTJs include J. F. Sebastian and Sgt. Apone.
ISTP: The Psycho Vigilante
ISTPs are quiet, unassuming people, who tend to be mechanically gifted but withdrawn and reserved. ISTPs often need a great deal of personal space and "alone time," which may give others the impression that they are aloof; in reality, this time is necessary to hide their secret identities.
The typical ISTP leads a dual life; his outward reserve and quiet masks an inward seething rage at the injustice of life--often, the death of a loved one at the hands of a criminal. In this secret life, the ISTP uses his mechanical gifts to create a terrifying arsenal of bizarre weapons with which to strike fear into the heart of evil. Sometimes, ISTPs may become evil themselves, either slowly over a long period of time or in response to a perceived rejection from the very people they are trying to save.
RECREATION: ISTPs are happiest when they are building and constructing--either new weapons to smite their enemies, or new plots to destroy those who oppose them. They have a very industrial sense of aesthetics, and can spend hours absorbed in the appreciation of works of art such as a 1969 Hemi Cuda retrofitted with missile launchers and ejection seats.
COMPATIBILITY: ISTPs don't often get along well with their extroverted cousins, Evil Overlords and Mad Scientists. Instead, they prefer the company of INTPs, or perhaps their pets. Romantic relationships with ISTPs tend to be drawn-out, tragic affairs, filled with bitterness, longing, and teenage angst. The sex is usually pretty good, however.
Famous ISTPs include Spider-Man and Q.
ISFP: The Crackpot
ISFP personalities are characterized by their impulsiveness, their defiance of conformity and orthodoxy, and their competitive natures. Taken together, these traits make up the ideal crackpot. While an ISFP's personality might seem flighty and their attention span short to an outsider, ISFPs live by the motto "Life is best approach--oh, look, potato chips!"
ISFPs are always on the cutting edge of new trends. Whether it's podcasting, taking up guitar, or running away to a far-off east African compound and joining a doomsday apocalyptic cult, ISFPs are always following their hearts and quickly embracing new ideas. However, they tend to be fleeting in their passions, which means they often may lack the dedication that marks a true cultist. While ISFPs often lack the dedication most people give to careers and family, they can still support themselves in more unorthodox ways, like by selling blood plasma, turning tricks, and mooching off their family.
RECREATION: ISFPs enjoy activities that cater to their emotional passions, and often pursue many hobbies, such as music, painting, sculpting, and running off to Vegas to marry that cute waitress from Mack's Truck Stop over on Route 9. Whenever God speaks to someone, it's usually an ISFP.
COMPATIBILITY: ISFPs do well in relationships with ISFJs and with anyone they meet in Las Vegas.
Famous ISFPs include Joan of Arc and--oh, look, potato chips!
ISFJ: The Martyr
If you are an ISFJ, you are giving, generous, and believe strongly in sacrificing yourself to serve your fellow man. Whether you're spending the entire weekend cooking souffle for your husband's big dinner with his boss or giving over your body as a vehicle for the Shoggoth from beneath the ancient city of the Old Ones so that the Great Gods can rise again, selflessness and service are your hallmarks.
This generosity of spirit makes ISFJs admirably suited for any career positions involving being tied to altars or ancient ritual daggers. ISFJs also do well in positions such as teacher, doctor, and crack whore.
RECREATION: ISFJs are of such a self-sacrificing nature that recreation does not come easily to them. Their leisure pursuits often express their inner natures; thus, they often amuse themselves and provide endless entertainment for those around them by being moody and passive-aggressive.
COMPATIBILITY: ISFJs do well in relationships with ENTJs, who take their self-sacrifice for granted and expect no less from their minions. They also do well with ESFPs, because...well, ESFPs will shag anyone.
Famous ISFJs include Thomas the Martyr, Tertullian the Martyr, and Theka the Martyr.
ESTP: The Conman
As an ESTP, you are driven to succeed and to win. Your personality is dominated by your drive to test yourself and to triumph over your fellow man.
This generally expresses itself as an overwhelming urge to prove your self worth (and fatten your wallet) by taking advantage of the suckers, marks, and dupes who surround you--after all, isn't that what they're there for? It's not your fault that their stupidity and gullibility lets them believe you when you say that Hershey's Kissesses exposed to your patented psychic amplifier rays will let them fly! As your hero and fellow ESTP, P. T. Barnum, once said, "it is morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money."
As an ESTP, your greatest fear is failure. Under no circumstances will you permit yourself that kind of weakness, which makes you ideally suited for a job at Enron, where your natural talents can be recognized and rewarded.
RECREATION: ESTPs enjoy recreational activities such as card sharking, pool sharking, and conning little old women out of their lives' savings. They're often fond of polo as well.
Famous ESTPs include P. T. Barnum and DR. PETER OKOYE, SON OF THE LATE PRESIDENT OF NIGERIA M. B. OKOYE, WHO REQUESTS YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN HELPING TO TRANSFER $150,000,000 (THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED FIFTY MILLION USD) INTO YOUR U.S. BANK ACCOUNT SO THAT IT MAY BE DISTRIBUTED TO NEEDY CHILDREN, IN GOD'S CHARITY.