Every activity that I try to come up with for myself, whether it's something minor or something for today or something longer term, something I think about on my own or something I research, I think about whether or not I want to do it, or whether or not I can do it, and I keep answering that I can't do it. Just can't do it. Either because I don't want to do it, I'm too intimidated to do it or I don't believe that I can do it. It's just gone; there's nothing there.

The other day...

I feel utterly worthless. I feel like I've had every ounce of life sucked right out of me.

I don't want to see people, to socialize with people, to talk to people, or to hang out with people. The thought of merely seeing someone makes me uncomfortable now. An old friend tries to get a hold of me to hang out some time. Ignored. My family emails me asking me how I'm doing, worried about the fact that I haven't talked to them in months or haven't seen them in about a year. Ignored....

I am socially bankrupt.

Here is a sample of what that is:

• Having no desire to call friends or family to see how they're doing/hang out with them/go do something with them
• Voluntarily not seeing friends of family for several months at a time
• Feeling like I'm going to have an anxiety attack while I'm standing in line waiting for the breakfast taco I ordered in a room full of high schoolers
• Finding the spot in the room that is the farthest away from where other people are

...

The very thought of these things makes me sick.

Maybe I'm just scared of "living life" or "living a little" or whatever the hell people call it. But yeah, that's basically it though. I'm not in any mood to take risks, to take chances. I'm a life nit. And about 20 years from now, I'll probably look back like most people do in their mid life crisis and regret not doing enough. It seems inevitable.

I don't like not being in control. And that's what...